Windsor Tomcats

By Harry Ballsonue

“Started Late and Finished Early”, sounds like a sexual encounter I had recently, but what it really was, was a late start getting going for the Mini Tournament and then the Black Attack (who had no attack at all) did not play the last game, leaving the Mini Tournament in Limbo with a very frustrated team Captain of the White Knights,  Hurricane. “What is up with that, (Black Attack not wanting to play)” Hurricane asked, “First my prodigy Chevy does not show up, after I had picked him and now we can’t beat black by 5 goals and win this Mini”. Hurricane stated, all red faced.

Both the Yellow Jackets and the White Knights ended up tying in the Mini…a first time occurrence.

The three stars on the night, as selected by La Bamba:  3) Crow, 2) Falcon 1) Killer.

“I thought Killer had a stellar performance out there, he was way better than Crow, Sunny and Lovie all put together”, stated May Day.

Killer, brought 12 MGD, scored 9 goals, had 8 assists and was the first star.

Only two weeks remain in the 2011-2012 season, April 10 and April 17 and then the Out Door Classic being hosted by Bulldog. 6 PM start on that day, as the facility is only rented to 8pm.

June 22 is the golf outing. It looks like the Golf Committee will be able to buy beer from the Tomcats for the Golf tournament, so the price will be $50 for golf, $10.00 for food (Slovakii night in Canada) and $6-7 bucks for beer and Rye.  “We will have beer left over from the Tomcats and will buy the left over beer for the golf tournament, so guys can just pay me for that and then they don’t have to bring anything”. An excited Snowpants had said and then added, “We are trying to get back on Seven Lakes and I am disguising my voice and using a different name when I am talking to them, so far it seems to be working.” Snowpants concluded.

Next week, the Tomcats will be holding their NHL Play Off Pool, cost is $11.00.  Come prepared. (Stevo, don’t pick any Leafs!!!) And Speaking of Hockey Pools, the only race in the regular season pool, will be for either second or third.  Right now Zabba holds 2^nd by 13 points and Crow holds third by 12. Sparky and Hurricane are both hoping for strong finishes to sneak into third.

During the ‘Picking’, in the Playoff Pool, can I put my Harry Ballsonue?

Click here to read the latest Saint Felix.

by Harry Ballsonue

What does it take to be a Tomcat, sure you should like drinking icy cold beer and you should like wearing Tomcat t-shirts, touques, jackets and sweat shirts…but what else? You must endure the odour of the Falcon’s hockey bag.  You must put up with the Mini Tournament and you must watch for errant hockey sticks. In the March 27 games, Cribz took a stick off his beak and the result was Sparky saying, “Mikey, you killed Kenny”.  Cribz will be all right and is expected to dress for the April 3 games, “I feel fine, the nose is sensitive and I don’t see why I would not be able to play on Tuesday” Cribz had indicated from his Lakefront home.

Cribz sporting the look of a Raccoon, will be in the lineup April 3

Looking back at recent injuries, Sparky took a few stitches in a game to his lower lip (still has a scar) but was back at Purples for a beer, after being stitched up at the Hospital, The Mayor before that, lost a tooth and now Cribz….no stitches and luckily no loss of a tooth or an eye, but everyone must be reminded to be very aware of their stick and who is around you. “we don’t want to see anyone get hurt”, stated Sub Committee member, Jingles and added, “we all have jobs to go to on Wednesday morning”.

IN OTHER NEWS…   

Looks like Stevo has been cleared for running on wooden floors and should be good to go April 3.  The Rake is convalescing from shoulder surgery and is out for the season as is Youngblood who is nursing a groin pull. “It has been a frustrating year for me, I want to be out there playing and hanging out with the guys, but for now I must work on my groin and take care of business there”. a sad Youngblood had said.

The May 2012 St. Felix will be out in the first few days of April and I can tell you, I have scanned it and you do not want to miss it!

In the mean time, whilst you are laying on the bed in the first aid room, let me put my Harry Ballsounue!

As I sit high up here in the press box, first time by the way! I look up up to and respect all the writers who have sat here before me (who, fortunately for me, are following Snowpants around, after the excitement and buzz with the latest Escort Service announcement)!  A huge congratulations to Snowpants, and the industry, word is he was busy, looking for several mansions to house his new places of business. 

Black Al Sharptons: Razor, Cribz, Husky Eyes (aka Sunny), Shovey, Hurricane and Bulldog.
White Vanilla Ice: Falcon, Turk, Mez, Sparky, Hollywood and Spinner.

The scores on the evening, the Al Sharptons victorious 7-3, 7-3, 1-2 ! Good hard fought hockey, by these guys, which roster wise, in the morning skate was rumoured to be three substitutes a side.  That dropped off toward opening face off to just one sub a side!  The elder Jablonsky brother who has stepped aside (whilst he is on the mend) for his younger brother to run things, wanted to pull the plug as soon as the second cancellation came in.  At one point all eyes were on the locker room door waiting for Shamus to come in!

But the night went on, and the games were played! A lot of nice razzle dazzle style passes by both sides.  Bulldog pulled out some fancy moves scoring on several breakaway opportunities!  Razor was solid in between the pipes, razor sharp in fact.  Catching, blocking, kicking away almost everything the Vanilla Ice squad threw at him.

Meanwhile on the other side of the arena, Falcon was so busy, people were saying by the end of the night, he was going to be skinnier than the Hurricane!  Sparkmeister stood on solid ground, with his all round hockey skills, also with his beer to ice ratio, in the cooler!

Hollywood has a second sample of Tomcat DNA on his stick when Cribz walked, no ran into his stick on a follow through.  Cribz was knocked to the ground, blood everywhere, got up mumbling something about police brutality!  Who knows? 

All the fans got a treat, witnessing the Mez, and his trademark lacrosse style pass, from the corner, eye level right in front of the net.  The pass was to Spinner, who said” if I jumped up, and knocked it down, I am sure I would have scored”!

Bulldog also was heard at the end of the night frantically looking for the outdoor classic trophy “Its a guy, like a stickman, made of metal, on a ball, has anyone seen it”!  He was also looking to put a photo of the trophy, on theside of a milk carton, who knows?  Maybe on a breakfast table near you!

Hopefully maybe one day I can contribute an article again on these fine specimens of men and hockey players!

Until then, this is Phil Landerer, saying gentlemen, hold on to your girlfriends and wives

Fellow Tomcats,

Our esteemed net-minder, The Falcon, is concerned that the remaining warm nights of hockey may lead to injuries and has suggested a circuit of yoga excercies to perform before each Tuesday night game.  To make it easy to follow, The Falcon has enlisted the help of a close friend to demonstrate each move that should be followed.  See here:

http://www.totalprosports.com/2011/11/23/jordan-carver-yoga-gallery/jordan-carver-yoga-18/?utm_source=wahoha.com&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=wahoha

Harry Palm Press

Black  – Chevy, Doc, Falcon, Zchabba, The Rake, Snowpants, Cribz and Skippy

White  – Spinner, Killer, Razor, Bulldog, Hurricane, Sparky, Rocky and Jingles

I was hot just sitting in the press box as I watched the players run up and down the floor, so I can’t imagine how the poor goailies were feeling.  Razor only once indicated it was a little warm when after winning his second game he stated, “Beer, God I need a beer.”   That seemed to spark the Tighty Whities into winning the final game 4-2, a shorter agreed upon tilt due to the swelterinig sauna which players toiled under. 

Sparky was responsible for runnig the show as Stevo and Hollywood had other commitments.  (Stevo Injured, Hollwood scouting in Indina).   Tomcats players and fans are holding their collective breaths as Stevo is currently out with an injury.  Sources have indicated this injury may be a little more serious than previously thought.  We’re talking possible season ending injury folks – numerous doctors, sports psycologist and mediums have poked and proded poor Stevo to death trying to get him back in the game.  The last email I was able to intercept from Stevo had him speculating he’d return April 3rd.  That being said sources have  told me that Stevo is  not going  to play in the outdoor tournament due to the injury.  Apparently the surface of the outdoor game may be cause for further injury or agravation to the injury and Stevo will have to miss it.  The email further stated that while injured Stevo was confident the Tomcats were able to press on and finish this season, considering all the talent behind the scenes available to fill in.  Sparky filled in nicely  as the Captain and leader of the club,  he made up  the teams and  did a very good job.   

I have to admit I called the White squad winning all three tilts, one just had to look at the top 3 players on each side and could argue there may have been a mismatch.  Black seemed to lack the scoring punch with Chevy Cribz and Snowpants the only arguable threats.  Speak of non threats, fans were treated to a rare appearance by Skippy donning the gear to play out.  The Skipster actually had a goal and assist credited to him by evenings end, but one could tell he was a little out of his element when he kept stating, “Run, what is this run you speak of?” 

Skippy played out this evening and tried to distract the Whities with his out-of-this-world pants.

The Tighty Whities however had the scoring trio of Rocky, Spinner, and Jingles.  Add Hurricane, Bulldog, Killer and Sparky to the mix and it was a no brainer White was more dominant, despite their first game scare of a 7-6. 

It should be noted, that Doc scored three on the night and that is a career high for him.  Not only did he do a great on filling the cooler with ice, he went out and scored three goals. 

Heat was a factor, and I still laugh at hearing Razor reaquesting a cold frosty one, it must have been from his work in a very respectable 4.3 G.A.A compared to Falcon’s 6 G.A.A.  Regardless fans and players alike went against the norm and named both goalies the stars of the night.  A better statement couldn’t have been made, and both played well in the heat.  When it was all over I didn’t want to get too close to anyone with all the man sweat running off the players , so I missed out on anyone placing thier HANDZONMECAC.

Yuri

On what was, without a doubt, the hottest night of ball hockey in the year 2012, the action was fast, furious, slippery and wet at the Kapusta Kow Palace.  With 3 spares per side, the Windsor Tomcats put on a ball hockey display of epic proportions.  The Falcon backstopped Szabba, Cribs, Snowpants, Skippy, Chevy, Doc and the Rake.  Razor stood behind Rocky, Killer, Hurricane, Bulldog, Spinner, Jingles and Sparky for 7-6, 7-3 and 4-2 victories.  Fresh from winning his 15th marathon of the year, Bulldog was the star of the night.  Chasing down balls, forechecking and shooting and scoring from everywhere.  The Rake made an unexpected appearance and managed to pop in a few himself …on his own goalie.

The action was hot and the beers were cold, making last night a classic in Tomcat history.

After ball hockey, we asked the average citizen on the street, who their favourite Tomcat was.  Here are some reponses:

“Hi.  I’m Jena Talia.  My favourite Tomcat is Sparky.  He has all the right moves whether it’s playing ball hockey or dancing with the stars.  I get wet thinking about what his moves would be in the bedroom!”

” Bonjour all you lovelies in Tomcat land. I’m Hugh Janus.  My favourite Tomcat is the snuggly and irresistable Sunny.  Being Greek, I’m thinking he must have a huge anus.”

” Cheers mates.  I’m Max E. Padd.  My favourite Tomcat is the Falcon.  That crazy bastard stops balls like it’s nobodys business…and looks good doing it!”

” Hey.  I’m Dick Gazinya.  My favourite Tomcat is Hollywood.  He’s smart, he’s fast, he cooks up a mean shishkabob … he’s a real renaissance man.  I like that.”

And that’s a Tomcat wrap!

Next time I see you all, I’ll show you Mike Litoris.

Thank god for Hollywood and Hurricane and their willingness to play between the pipes…otherwise 1000s of hockey fans would have been sent home from the Kapusta.

Thanks to these two stellar Tomcats, hockey was played last evening.

Barely enough guys for two teams, let alone a mini-tourny.  We almost needed to invite the St Vlad nuns down to make two teams.

Black Beaters – Snowpants, Yuri, Cribz, Rocky, Jingles and Hurricane
White Red Haired Stepchildren – Mez, Killer, The Rake, Sparky, Spinner and Hollywood

The Beaters went up early with 2 goals from Rocky and the Children could not seem to answer back.  For every 3 saves made by Hollywood, Hurricane would stand on his head for seven.  Speaking of Hurricane…due to his last minute agreement to play net, the only trapper avaialble for this south paw was a right handed basebal glove.  No issues…he just wore that glove upside down and had no issues snagging shots all night.  Wasn’t a pretty thing to look at, and he earned the name “Goalie with the Gimpy Glove.”  Regardless, Hurricane was phenomenal in net and had this been a mini-tourny, he would have earned 2 of the 3 stars!

The Children struggled all night to find the back of then net.  Stellar passing plays by the Beaters made it seem like they were on a power-play all night long.

After losing 7-3 then 7-1 to the Beaters, a battered (not like fish on Fridays) white team pulled out their white flag.

An interesting note – There were more smokers on stage than non-smokers.  An interesting statistic and speaks volumes about the lack of participation on the evening.

Let us reinerate…if you arenot going to be there call, email, text, passenger pigeon the captains and let them know.  It is not that hard and makes planning these evenings so much easier for our fearless leader.  Please refer tot he email sent earlier today for more details and instructions for how to handle it when you cannot play.

Peace

Howie Feltersnatch (Freelance writer backing up Harry while he vacations in Thailand)

By Harry Ballsonue

Black Stallions: Razor, Sunny, Snowpants, Chevy, Hollywood, May Day, Sparky, Jingles and Yuri

White Knights: Falcon, Cribz, Zaba, Stevo, Soupy, Rake, Rocky and Hurricane

The White Knights take the night, with a score of 7-5, 5-7 and 4-3. 

 BEFORE I GET INTO THE FULL TUESDAY NIGHT STORY, THE TOMCATS WISH TO THANK SOME OF THE SPONSORS WHO GAVE SOME PRIZES FOR THE TOURNAMENT…..ABARS, THE DUGOUT AND LEFTIES….THE TOMCAT ORGANIZATION WOULD LIKE TO ENCOURAGE ALL TOMCATS TO ATTEND THESE FINE ESTABLISHMENTS AND SUPPORT THEM AS THEY HAD SUPPORTED US…..THANK YOU ABARS, THE DUGOUT AND LEFTIES.

Hurricane nets 7 on the night including the winner to give the White Knights the 4-3 victory, “I just felt good out there today, I did not play in the tournament, maybe everyone out there today had the tournament hangover,” indicated Hurricane.

I thought the play was slow at the start, and the boys were just getting out of the fog and getting their legs back after the tournament, but there were some pretty goals including one, from Sparky that started of his head.

Cribz made the teams, for the very first time, and he did a fantastic job. “I tried to balance them as best I could and I think, they turned out all right” a smiling Cribz had said.

Some no shows, last night, which is typical for after the tournament, but to have 5 not let the Tomcats know…un heard of.

Hollywood handed out the brand spanking new Tomcat sweatshirt, selling at the Tomcat Kiosk for $59.00, to the Tomcats and everyone loved them, “I could wear this to go out on a date, on a Saturday night”, stated Jingles.

"Snowpants dons new Tomcat Sweatshirt, very sweet, both he and the sweat shirt."

Hey, can I put my Harry Ballsonue and your new sweat shirt?

Click here to read the latest Saint Felix.

By Harry Ballsonue

The Kapusta Kow Floor and Stage sat empty and quiet on Tuesday night, the Tomcats were all home, nursing their injuries and for some, celebrating a victory and the Stanley’s cup win.  I checked the records and Bulldog now has 7 Stanley’s Cups, Wow! Jingles got his first on Saturday after playing in a few tournaments. “I missed one, so I could teach first aide, but played last year and I think the Floor Hockey Gods looked down on me and said, give that man a Stanley’s Cup”. Indicated Jingles with a huge smile and a grin.

There probably should have been more penalties called. How about this one..."5 minutes for looking so good!"

The St. Felix plans on doing a list of all the Cup winners over the years and listing all the players on which team they had won on. That is the April Issue and it should be out next week some time, so watch for it!!

Congratulations of course to the May Day Marauders ; Crow, Eagle, Rake, Jingles, Zaba, Bulldog, Razor and of course May Day…..but also to every Tomcat who participated.  The final game was intense and as Sunny had said, “Watching the Marauders and the Sting Rays playing both their games on Saturday, I have to tell you, I have not seen better game s in a long time” Sunny concluded.

So yes, to each and every Tomcat member, great job!  I have to say, the new Tomcat Tee is super sweet and I look forward to wearing mine, I bought one in the Tomcat Kiosk and can’t wait to pick up chicks in it.

New Tomcat Sweat Shirt coming next week, so that should be a killer too.

Tomcats start back up next Tuesday.  One thing, Stevo said to me, when I asked him about the rest of the season, was, “We have 7 Tuesday’s left, then the outdoor game so lot of hockey left……and the games start at 6:30 so let’s all try to get there on time”. Stevo had said.

Yuri and Fuzzy did a great job on the Pizza….

So see you all next week at 6:30, till then, could I put my Harry Ballsonue?