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All posts for the month February, 2011
As we all recover from the intensity of the Stanley’s Cup Tournament (basically Christmas Day for every red blooded Tomcat out there) this is just a reminder that we get Tuesday March 1 2011 off. Some are predicting that Junior might show up at the Kow Palace anyway and begin training for next years big event.
In any case: next game is Tuesday March 8 2011.
Please note: the rumor is that Soupy has been fined for not showing up or providing his required beer on the Tuesday prior to the tournament. All penalties assessed in the actual tournament are still pending league review, but your faithful scribe will keep you posted.
If that is quite everything, can I please get my Dick Gozinya?
PS: Since we do have the week off, Falcon would like to remind everyone to keep up with their usual workout routine:
(Harry Palm Press):
WOW, hope you were able to scalp a ticket to this tourney, because it was a classic combination of steller goals and even stingier goaltending. Speaking of goaltending, the four goalies combined sported a very low 3.83 G.A.A – no wonder scores were so low this year, and generally they are with the top two duo of the Falcon and Razor standing tall in net.
Did you hear the `Play the ball“ yelled out a few times – It did get a bit “Shovey`(No not that Shovey) out there a few times – no wonder play was very intense. Harry BALLSONUE may have reported on the scores and Rocky`s Wings winning it all this year, but there is always more to a story. How about three first timers to drink from the coveted cup….Victor `Snowpants“ FERRANTI, Matty `The Matador`YOUSSEF, and Shane `Skippy`RENAUD. Three very junior players in the Tomcat organization.
I caught up with the Falcon later and was asking him how he thought this year went – I mean why not, the guys got a ring for every finger. It was like looking into the sun staring at those hands. Anyway falcon summed it up nicely `back in the day we didn`t have the superstars we do today – I mean it used to be who ever got Chevy was a lock to go to the championship game. Now we`ve really upped the game and gotten alot of young stars – look at the Crow, or Shamus – I mean we`re loaded with talent now, and play has gotten way better – even the shots and set ups are spot on“. The Falcon went on and congratulated the winning Rocky`s Wings, and spoke of Skippy taking this years MVP. “I watched him in warmups, and he just seemed to be stopping everything – I was trying to convince everyone them that he was here to play – crazy considering the guys will tell you he`s weak in giving up the five hole“. Classy guy that Falcon, who went 1-2-0 with a stingy 3.3 G.A.A.
Prior to the championship game the Kings and Wings faced off in a game that didn`t really matter – they already both knew they would meet for the cup. That game ended fittingly enough in a 7-7 tie. When the marbles were on the line, the Kings came out supreme behing steller shut out goaltending and the Matador doing a nice job late in the game by playing the ball and killing the clock. It was like watching a cat play with a ball of yarn. Matty was later overheard saying, “I just kept waiting to be planted into the wall`.
Congrats to all teams, who with the exception of the Wings will be reshullfled next year in an other quest to drink from the cup. Since I am on a roll with predictions – being almost spot on with the tourney results – AND the sighting of KOWALCZYKOWSKI taking part as a ref (Hey I did say he`d be on the game floor – But even I didn`t expect that), I think Falcon is right – talent is going up, and I don`t think we`ll ever see another dynasty like team Belarus (2005-2007 Champs). That being said, I`ll wait to see how the 3 new captains picks pan out before I try to predict another tourney result.
Predictions aside, who really who would have predicted Skippy palying for not 1, but 2 shut outs (Quite possibly a Tomcat Tourney record). When I asked him about it, he`d start to say something, but break down. Earlier in the day he was babling somthing about taking a big dump prior to the first game, whatever works I guess. Rumour has it he hasn`t let go of the cup yet, and keeps talking to it (Crist another Lord of the ring nut). We`re off for a week, the outdoor tourney is around the corner, and the Danish is in, despite a hard tourny. Danish was quite ok with the events – “I was worried about playing well – and overall I thought I did ok for my 1st Tomcat tourney – The guys were great in supporting me, and I look forward to continuing to work on my form and break into the top spot real soon“. Well the Danish and the rest of the boys will be able to display all their skills on the BIG rink – Tickets have already sold out for the outdoor classic – Just another sign of how many stars the Tomcats do have playing for them.
O, By the way – I did join in on the celebrations at Purples, but unfortunately none of the chicks wanted to put their HANDZONMECAC.
Yurri.
Not back now till March 8…No hockey this Tuesday!!!!!
…by Harry Ballsanoue
2011 Stanley’s Cup Champions
Rocky’s Wings
Rocky
Chris Girard
Stephan Sczewczuk
Peter White
Victor Ferranti
Paul Poisson
Shane Renaud
Matty Youssef
Rocky Wings 1 – JIngles Jets 0
Polka Kings 5 The Young Bloodz 2
Rocky’s Wings 6 Young Bloodz 3
Polka Kings 4 Jingles Jets 2
Rocky’s Wings 7 Polka Kings 7
Jingles Jets 8 Young Bloods 5
Championship Game Rocky’s Wings 2 The Polka Kings 0
Standings:
Another fine day at the Kapusta Kow Palace at the annual tournament. Rocky’s Wings prevailing in a hard fought 2-0 victory in the final game. “I thought we came out strong, we knew who we had to watch out there in that final game and I think Crispy did a great job defending the zone and Skippy Renaud played a great game for us in net”. stated a jubilant team Captain Chad Comartin. The Rocky Wings will be able to defend their title next year, just for one year.
Tournament Rookies were honoured with a Limited Edition Purple Tomcat t-shirt, Most Gentleman player went to Bulldog Meloche, “I’m always f*^^%$g wining that award” . stated Bulldog Meloche. Most dedicated Tomcat went to a very deserving Andy ‘Youngblood’ Morgan. Three new captains announced for next year, Dave Hann…George Metulynsky and Steven Jaworiwsky, the three longest serving Tomcats. Bulldog Meloche was also to be a Captain if the Polka Kings had won the tournament, but was a last minute scratch, since he just Captained the LaSalle Vikings 2 years ago. And tournament MVP went to a very deserving Skippy Renaud who shut out his opponents on two occasions in the tournament, “I’m very honoured in getting this award, every dog, has his day, and I guess today is my day” a beaming Renaud had stated.
Out door game announced for April 26. There will be Tuesday night hockey up until that time.
Lots of compliments on the new Tomcat t-shirt as well. “I need a whole new closet for all my Tomcat wear” indicated Sunny Salaris.
George Metulynsky was in awe of his five new shirts. “I got an orange Polka shirt and I got the Polka King alternative shirt, I got a Lakeshore auto shirt and I got a new Ghost Crossing shirt and to top it all off, of course I got a new Windsor Tomcat tournament shirt.”
After all was said and done, the boys sat around and enjoyed a few pints up on stage. Then they were ushered to Purples where the celebration continued, with the ‘ Tomcat Forever ‘ song being sang in the bar. (WAIT FOR THAT TO BE PUT UP ON THE WEB SITE)
Special thanks go out to Dave Walton the photographer, Ray MacDonnell and Chad Comartin for securing some of the prizes, Dave Crawford for providing a new Tomcat Jersey for the Picture taking and Lakeshore Auto T-shirts for all the Tomcat Members. And to all the Tomcats who participated in the tournament.
Whilst at the bar, I overheard George Metulynsky tell a story, “If you throw your wife and dog into the trunk of the car, and after three hours, you open the trunk, who will be happy to see you, ‘the dog’ (some of the Tomcats shouted back,) Yes…and if your dog is barking in the back yard and your wife is yelling at you from the front yard, who do you let in first?” ‘The dog’ the Tomcats shouted back,..”That’s right” George said, then added, “Cuz if you let the dog in, it’ll shut up”.
and the Tomcats howled.
No hockey this coming Tuesday March 1, back at her, on March 8.
With you drinking from Stanley’s Cup. I will put my Harry Ballsonue.
(harry palm Press):
It’s almost Saturday Bitches, and I’m sure with the constant reminders from the Commish, along with the unwritten man rule in Tomcat lore that no blood will actually be spilt. Tears of both joy, and shame however are a different story all together. First tear I may see is with the unveiling of the new Tomcat jersey, a jersey which hasn’t dreamt of a revamp may be steppin into the next millennium. Rumour has it Skippy is also going to be sporting some new dudes, and unfortunately I can’t confirm it will be the replacement of his MC HAMMER pants. With the Vegas odds set – which doesn’t include a Polka King repeat, despite the fact two brothers will be patrolling the floor together – I’m throwing my hat in for the following teams destiny: (In Alphabetical order):
BLOODS : 0-3
JETS: 2-1
KINGS: 1-2
WINGS: 3-0
Bold predictions indeed, and come Saturday we’ll see just how accurate I am. I just figure with the early start I see an upset in the Wings winning the early game. After the full team picture I expect the play to really pick up. For the record – Wings over the Jets, Kings over the Bloods, Wings over the Bloods, Jets over the Kings, Wings over the Kings, and Jets over the Bloods. Sorry, but not nearly smart enough to figure what that means for playoffs, but it would not surprise me to see the Wings and Bloods in the final. Even if I am way off my rocker – which is likely with the pool of talent on each squad, some things are for certain, like a sell out crowd, and stellar hockey. After the dust has settled, I look forward to seeing which hot waitress at Purples harry will try to put his BALLSON. Me, I’m Yurri, and to all the ladies at Purples, I encourage you to place your HANZONMECAC.
Yurri (From harry Palm Press Inc).
Tuesday night ball hockey unfolded pretty much as you might expect. Guys coasting trying not to get hurt, no one backchecking, everyone trying to stay injury free, what a bunch of pansies! The entrance of some old blood just did nothing to spark the non-competitive fires. George brought his buddy Andy out and he did manage to outshine George on this night. He is a solid player who looked like a freaking superstar among the likes of someone like Lovie. Lovie gimped around like he had been smacked with a 2×4 from Hacksaw Jim Duggan for fuck sakes!!
Both Old Andy and Youngblood Andy did buy a round for the boys at Purples after the game and that puts them at the front of the line in the “Good Guy” department. After the second round of pints we were looking around for Snowpants. When Doc said he felt some heavy breathing against his shin, we all looked under the table and guess who we saw? Snowpants was looking for a third free round and was ready to service whoever the first person was to pull out their wallet. Needless to say, Razors mutant glove hand went into overdrive reaching for some cash and everyone there left with a smile on their face.
Getting back to the hockey, the teams were as follows (not swallows…Snowy!):
White: Falcon, Taintedblood, Dodge, Blowpants, Dribs, Ya Want Vegetables…Go Eat a Salad, and old Andy
Black: Razor, Bollywood, Shocky, Dovie, Croc, Blameus and Shingles
As the night unfolded, it was hard to say if we were looking at the Windsor Tomcats or the Windsor Wildcats. The goaltending was mediocre, with both Razor and the Flacon needing SPF 500 after the first game.
Jingles showed up late as he had just taken a cab back from a full weekend of sliding at the bunny hill at Malden Park. He still had his helmet on and that seemed to give him the green light to kick his aggressive level up a notch.
After team White emerged victorious from the first game, team Black woke up and came out aggressively in game 2. Knotted at 6-6, Taintedblood, his Beatles mop a’ flyin’, beat Razor with a real floater. Taintedbloods celebration got a little out of hand when he grabbed Falcons junk and started singing “I Wanna Hold Your Hand.” Speaking with Razor afterwards he explained the goal this way, “I was facing big blasts all night and when this balloon ball came floating in, my reflexes kicked in and I moved TOO fast for the shot. I’m kinda like Chuck Norris that way.”
Now as for after the game, I have to admit that I wasn’t privy to the midget tapping convo between Blameus and Shingles, but I’m not surprised it took place. Both boys are in sore need of an oil change. George came out of his man cave in mid-midget conversation and said ” You guys go from talking about vegetables on a pizza to tossing salad? Let it go boys.”
Rest up men, for the time is nye, it’s Tournament time, kiss your mothers goodbye!
I’m Hugh Janus, signing off…
Tuesday night could have been just a mail-it-in kind of night where they guys try not to get hurt and ease their way into the tourney so they can get injured there, but not with this bunch of lions. The entrance of some new blood ensured the competitive fires were burning. Andy was brought out by George and was a nice addition to the club. He is a solid player and got the flow of the play at Kapusta down very quickly, unlike Lovie who still hasn’t figured it out after 3 years.
“Great, that’s just what we need” Doc was overheard saying on the bench “another fucking Andy”. Nevertheless, he seems like a great guy. This of course was strongly influenced by the fact that he bought a round at Purples. Two stalwart nightclub contributors, Razor and Youngblood also purchased an ice-cold refreshment for the masses. Very classy gents, but this pushed me past my deadline for this report…
The teams were as follows:
Whiteheads: Falcon, Youngblood, Chevy, Snowpants, Cribs, George, Andy
Blackholes: Razor, Hollywood, Rocky, Lovie, Doc, Shamus and Jingles
The games were very competitive once Black woke up. They came back from a 5-2 deficit to win 7-5 in game one. Shamus was in the groove once again, pumping and posing like “Ahnold” at the Mr Olympia contests as Rocky put in his usual solid game, forcing the play and making sound passes all night long. The goaltending was very good yet again and it seems we are being spoiled by the solid play of our keepers.
Jingles showed up a bit late as he had just arrived home from jet-setting and little-people-hunting out on the west coast. There were discussions that his airline selection was poor as it seemed he was on the edge of great vengeance and furious anger all night. Stale peanuts and a male flight attendant showing you his favourite “doors” can do that to you…
“What’s his problem?”, said Razor. “I thought that crazy good dope out there would make you more relaxed than that”.
Jingles had not one, but two run-ins with opponents. The first was with “New Andy” along the end wall. There was some general contact which escalated to the point where Jingles dropped his stick, gloves, shorts and left sock. The second issue was really a night-long sparring session with Snowpants. There must have been some pretty good trash talk going on as there wasn’t any real physical confrontation other than Jingles saying “I was gonna rip his heart out, I’m the best ever. I’m the most brutal and vicious, the most ruthless champion there has ever been. My style is impetuous, my defence is impregnable, and I’m just ferocious. I want his heart. I want to eat his children”. The room was absolutely quiet until Youngblood spoke.
“Didn’t you get beat up by Sergei Federov’s kid brother?” Jingles did not reply, but looks like his intensity level is in a good place for the tourney.
Game two had another display of aggression resulting in the familiar refrain of “Play the ball”. Chevy, who has been conspicuously gentlemanly all season, must have finally found out that there is no Lady Byng being handed out this season. He drank his potion and immediately became Shovey, running Doc into and over the Team Black bench. Shamus and Jingles were discussing the pros and cons of tapping a midget and were not keeping a close eye on the play when the boards crashed down on their shins. If this occurs in the final night before the big dance there should be fireworks at the tourney this year. Vegas has been putting out lines on the first full-tilt Tomcat fight:
Jingles and Snowy even money
Jingles and New Andy 2 to 1
Jingles and Rocky 3 to 1
Sunny and Soupy at Greek Easter 4 to 1 *If Soupy continues to sully the managerial acumen of Husky Eyes by missing tournaments and nights when he is to bring beer (aka this week)
Doc and Chevy 5 to 1
Chevy and Rocky 6 to 1
Jingles and Chevy 7 to 1
Sunny and Soupy 10 to 1 *If Soupy pulls up his socks in the Tomcat organization and admits to Sunny which rooms he has had sex in when he lived at the house
Hurricane and anyone 100000 to 1
White started out Game two with a substantial lead that dwindled to a 6-6 draw. All the steam Black had from their comeback was halted unceremoniously by Youngblood, who said “fuck this”, took the ball from George’s stick and began driving up the floor on the restart after Black had knotted the score at 6 all. He sashayed around Shamus, ducked in between Lovie and Hollywood and ripped a wrister that did the rarest of all things. Beat Razor top glove. Yes, you read that correctly.
Youngblood threw his gloves in the air, put his back against the wall, jumped and waited for his teammates to swarm him just like Sid at the Olympics, which they were more than happy to do.
Hollywood and Lovie looked at each other with blank stares.
“Maybe you would have been quicker tonight if you didn’t wear your tool belt, Holly” said Lovie.
“Why don’t you drop the plow?” replied Hollywood. “You are slower than a good shit on a Sunday morning”. The guys relaxed a bit after sampling some beer and chalked it up to being exhausted from all the carpentry work on the new stick rack in the Tomcat locker room prior to the game.
Soupy’s dangerous no-show when he was to bring beer was muted slightly by the studliness of Youngblood who carted in the 7 pops he ripped off the homeless guy at the Walker underpass. He’s all class.
Speaking of class, the midget discussion was started by the young turks, Shamus and Jungles. Apparently their friends have exhausted all normal means of getting their nut off and have reached the depths of hunting former TLC show stars to satisfy their strange and frightening urges.
“Midgets? Fucking midgets?” said George incredulously. “You guys are fucking sick and need help. Amputees I can see, but midgets? Disgusting.”
The line of the night goes to Doc who came up with this gem while the idea of engaging in sexual relations with midgets was being bandied about: “I think it is a great idea. Her small hands would make your dick look bigger”. You can say a lot of things about Doc, but denying his logic is not one of them…
Until next time, I’m off to Buster Hymen
Click to enlarge…
Tuesday night saw attendance levels back up to normal with 2 spares aside. Team “Brother Darkness” led by Stevo included Crow, Doc, Razor, Youngblood, Spinner and Rocky. Team “Tighty Whitey” was captained by Hollywood and featured the Falcon, Chevy, George Kastanza, the Snow-panted one, Shamus and Lovie.
I am writing this account in addition to the one from Mr. Ballsonue as I mistakenly thought he was away filming yet another blue movie. I didn’t realize he would be there, but he graciously allowed me to share the gondola with him and give my version of events.
The action was fast for the first ten to fifteen minutes with no scoring. As Harry mentioned, the goaltending display was one of, if not the finest we have seen all season. Team Whitey did much better than they should have as the defensive coverage was not up to snuff. Falcon was stellar. “I can’t believe how nimble the big guy is”, said Snowy. “He slides out those twinkle-toes like Fred Astaire and takes away the low corners” quipped Chevy.
The Black attack was running like a well-oiled machine. Spinner “Wesley” Snipes was snapping shots under the crossbar like Doc snaps off furious masturbation sessions between directing the big birds on his lunch break.
Speaking of Doc, he along with Stevo and Crow were putting on displays of passing that Howie Meeker would be proud of. Crow hasn’t had such great wingers since he played pro. The Tomcat Board is looking into a complaint that these guys have a competitive advantage due to their 3-hour hockey/karaoke sessions on Cada Crescent. Youngblood and Rocky pumped in a few goals and spread some sauce all over the ice for good measure.
The Whiteys won game two by some strange miracle combination of great goaltending by Falcon, a smooth “calm it down” from Captain Stevo and a few weird bounces past the stellar Razor. Before game 3, Captain Hollywood lobbed out an emotional speech that rallied the troops:
“Let’s do what we did last game guys”.
“What do you mean,… win?” asked Chevy, to which Hollywood responded “yes”.
That stirring speech was not enough to overcome the Crow Show and Team Black steamrolled to victory.
As noted by Harry, there was some interesting work along the wall between Chevy and Doc. It appeared that the young bulls were enjoying the effects of the spring weather and the upcoming mating season. Regardless, the boys were competing hard which is always good to see, as long as it doesn’t get to the “I’m not having any fun” or “I’m tossing a cooler lid” level.
The boys discussed the age gap between some of the players, noting that in the past all the older guys needed was a Farah Fawcett poster, a tube sock and some alone time to be happy. Doc stated that he thought Lovie was 64 years old, but was corrected. He only moves like he is 64.
“Samantha Fox had a great poster that was good fodder for punching the bishop” said George.
“I had a video of 7 chicks performing every act and fetish out there and I didn’t even get turgid” replied Shamus.
“That’s a real shame…us”…said Stevo as the boys loaded up to go to Purples where MGD’s and stories of karaoke at Doc’s filled yet another fun evening with the Tomcats.
Buster
…by Harry Ballsonue
Hellcats: Falcon, Hollywood, Lovie, Snowpants, Shamus, Chevy and Yuri
Blackcats: Razor, Crow, Spinner, Youngblood, Rocky and Stevo
7-5, 3-7, 5-1. Hellcats win.
If Razor plays hockey in the tournament, like he did last night, you might as well give the Polka Kings the Stanley’s Cup as they walk in on the 26th and let the drinking begin. Razor made save after save after save. Only sharpshooter Lovie Edgar was able to solve the Razor. Shamus, who usually can nail them in pretty good, was on the score sheet with only one goal on the night. But don’t think for a moment, the Falcon was a slouch, no way!!! the Falcon made some pretty darn great saves on Stevo close in, when it looked like he had the Falcon down and out, out came a black leather flash and a glove save was made.
“Any time I can get the Falcon to lay on his belly, it means more to me then a goal”, Stevo Jaworiwsky had said and smiled.
David ‘Crow’ Crawford was his usual Mario Lemieux self setting up plays, dangling, zipping, skipping all the way on the score sheet. Spinner Dzibela shot a rocket into the top shelf, right where Grandma keeps the peanut butter.
Strong performances were also exhibited by Chevy, Doc, Yuri, Youngblood and Hollywood. Snowpants, who was still hanging onto the effects if a bad cold, struggled, but notched two goals on the night.
At one time, the big man, Chevy Szcewczuk crashed Andy ‘Doc’ Brewin into the cement wall. After the large thump and the words, “play the ball” were yelled they continued to play the game of hockey, but after the game, Doc Brewin said, “I always don’t know if I am going to be dropping the gloves with Chevy or not”.
Two and Two spares made for a great night of hockey, all in preparation for the upcoming February 26, Tomcat Hockey Tournament.
At the tournament, maybe behind the curtain, ready your forehead and I’ll slip my Harry Ballsonue.