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All posts for the month August, 2014
Well, he’s at it again. I was at Chuck’s house for dinner the other night, I didn’t recognize the person we were eating, and after a dozen or so forty ouncers, he started to open up with some true facts about his life. This is the REAL Chuck Norris and it’s all true.
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Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with his ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.
When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris.
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck’s gas tank as a joke….that truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as giraffes.
The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into production. No one would pay $9 to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
Chuck Norris filmed the making of the first camera.
Chuck Norris built the hospital in which he was born
Chuck Norris can speak Japanese… in French.
Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Chuck Norris jumped off a building once. The ground didn’t make it.
When Chuck Norris is about to cross the street, the light changes from DON’T WALK to TAKE YOUR TIME.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.
Chuck Norris special orders his pencils without erasers because Chuck Norris doesn’t make mistakes.
In high school, teachers had to raise their hand to speak to Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
When the president pushes the big red button Chuck Norris’ cell phone rings.
Chuck Norris was supposed to star in the tv show ‘Man v. Wild’, but the network did not want kids thinking ‘lave is safe to eat.’
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
Chuck Norris once won an underwater breathing contest … with a fish.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just not his own.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.
The Turk finds a tutorial to help the younger, unattached Tomcats find the right lady…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKWmFWRVLlU
The Tomcats have become a member of the mile-high club…sort of.
Back on July 18th, Rocky, Roxy (his wife) and the Rockettes (2 daughters) were heading off to Calgary for a little Rocky Mountain adventure. While boarding the 737 at Windsor’s airport, Rocky and his family gave a wave up to the tower where Doc was manning the airfield. What’s better than a friendly send off from a fellow Tomcat to start a vacation?
Three hours later, as the airliner started to approach the Calgary area, the pilot came on…
“From the flight deck, this is your captain. We are preparing to make our descent into Calgary. Looks like mostly sunny skies, about 24 degrees and a slight wind coming from the West. As well, we have a message from the tower back in Windsor. We would like to welcome on board, from the Windsor Tomcats, Rocky and his family. We hope they have a great time in Calgary. Tomcats Forever!”
The passengers looked around to see who Rocky was and it became obvious since his wife and daughters started cheering and pointed Rocky out.
Sorry to say that Rocky did not attempt to get a rendition of the “Tomcats Forever” song going, but you know if Stevo had been on the plane, children would have had to cover their ears.
When asked if this really took place, Rocky indicated, “Yes, Doc had the pilot send us a shout out…a great way to start a vacation. Awesome gesture made by an awesome Tomcat – thanks Doc!”
Filling in for Harry, I’m Howie Feltersnatch