(harry palm Press):
It’s almost Saturday Bitches, and I’m sure with the constant reminders from the Commish, along with the unwritten man rule in Tomcat lore that no blood will actually be spilt. Tears of both joy, and shame however are a different story all together. First tear I may see is with the unveiling of the new Tomcat jersey, a jersey which hasn’t dreamt of a revamp may be steppin into the next millennium. Rumour has it Skippy is also going to be sporting some new dudes, and unfortunately I can’t confirm it will be the replacement of his MC HAMMER pants. With the Vegas odds set – which doesn’t include a Polka King repeat, despite the fact two brothers will be patrolling the floor together – I’m throwing my hat in for the following teams destiny: (In Alphabetical order):
BLOODS : 0-3
JETS: 2-1
KINGS: 1-2
WINGS: 3-0
Bold predictions indeed, and come Saturday we’ll see just how accurate I am. I just figure with the early start I see an upset in the Wings winning the early game. After the full team picture I expect the play to really pick up. For the record – Wings over the Jets, Kings over the Bloods, Wings over the Bloods, Jets over the Kings, Wings over the Kings, and Jets over the Bloods. Sorry, but not nearly smart enough to figure what that means for playoffs, but it would not surprise me to see the Wings and Bloods in the final. Even if I am way off my rocker – which is likely with the pool of talent on each squad, some things are for certain, like a sell out crowd, and stellar hockey. After the dust has settled, I look forward to seeing which hot waitress at Purples harry will try to put his BALLSON. Me, I’m Yurri, and to all the ladies at Purples, I encourage you to place your HANZONMECAC.
Yurri (From harry Palm Press Inc).
Uncategorized
Tuesday night ball hockey unfolded pretty much as you might expect. Guys coasting trying not to get hurt, no one backchecking, everyone trying to stay injury free, what a bunch of pansies! The entrance of some old blood just did nothing to spark the non-competitive fires. George brought his buddy Andy out and he did manage to outshine George on this night. He is a solid player who looked like a freaking superstar among the likes of someone like Lovie. Lovie gimped around like he had been smacked with a 2×4 from Hacksaw Jim Duggan for fuck sakes!!
Both Old Andy and Youngblood Andy did buy a round for the boys at Purples after the game and that puts them at the front of the line in the “Good Guy” department. After the second round of pints we were looking around for Snowpants. When Doc said he felt some heavy breathing against his shin, we all looked under the table and guess who we saw? Snowpants was looking for a third free round and was ready to service whoever the first person was to pull out their wallet. Needless to say, Razors mutant glove hand went into overdrive reaching for some cash and everyone there left with a smile on their face.
Getting back to the hockey, the teams were as follows (not swallows…Snowy!):
White: Falcon, Taintedblood, Dodge, Blowpants, Dribs, Ya Want Vegetables…Go Eat a Salad, and old Andy
Black: Razor, Bollywood, Shocky, Dovie, Croc, Blameus and Shingles
As the night unfolded, it was hard to say if we were looking at the Windsor Tomcats or the Windsor Wildcats. The goaltending was mediocre, with both Razor and the Flacon needing SPF 500 after the first game.
Jingles showed up late as he had just taken a cab back from a full weekend of sliding at the bunny hill at Malden Park. He still had his helmet on and that seemed to give him the green light to kick his aggressive level up a notch.
After team White emerged victorious from the first game, team Black woke up and came out aggressively in game 2. Knotted at 6-6, Taintedblood, his Beatles mop a’ flyin’, beat Razor with a real floater. Taintedbloods celebration got a little out of hand when he grabbed Falcons junk and started singing “I Wanna Hold Your Hand.” Speaking with Razor afterwards he explained the goal this way, “I was facing big blasts all night and when this balloon ball came floating in, my reflexes kicked in and I moved TOO fast for the shot. I’m kinda like Chuck Norris that way.”
Now as for after the game, I have to admit that I wasn’t privy to the midget tapping convo between Blameus and Shingles, but I’m not surprised it took place. Both boys are in sore need of an oil change. George came out of his man cave in mid-midget conversation and said ” You guys go from talking about vegetables on a pizza to tossing salad? Let it go boys.”
Rest up men, for the time is nye, it’s Tournament time, kiss your mothers goodbye!
I’m Hugh Janus, signing off…
Tuesday night could have been just a mail-it-in kind of night where they guys try not to get hurt and ease their way into the tourney so they can get injured there, but not with this bunch of lions. The entrance of some new blood ensured the competitive fires were burning. Andy was brought out by George and was a nice addition to the club. He is a solid player and got the flow of the play at Kapusta down very quickly, unlike Lovie who still hasn’t figured it out after 3 years.
“Great, that’s just what we need” Doc was overheard saying on the bench “another fucking Andy”. Nevertheless, he seems like a great guy. This of course was strongly influenced by the fact that he bought a round at Purples. Two stalwart nightclub contributors, Razor and Youngblood also purchased an ice-cold refreshment for the masses. Very classy gents, but this pushed me past my deadline for this report…
The teams were as follows:
Whiteheads: Falcon, Youngblood, Chevy, Snowpants, Cribs, George, Andy
Blackholes: Razor, Hollywood, Rocky, Lovie, Doc, Shamus and Jingles
The games were very competitive once Black woke up. They came back from a 5-2 deficit to win 7-5 in game one. Shamus was in the groove once again, pumping and posing like “Ahnold” at the Mr Olympia contests as Rocky put in his usual solid game, forcing the play and making sound passes all night long. The goaltending was very good yet again and it seems we are being spoiled by the solid play of our keepers.
Jingles showed up a bit late as he had just arrived home from jet-setting and little-people-hunting out on the west coast. There were discussions that his airline selection was poor as it seemed he was on the edge of great vengeance and furious anger all night. Stale peanuts and a male flight attendant showing you his favourite “doors” can do that to you…
“What’s his problem?”, said Razor. “I thought that crazy good dope out there would make you more relaxed than that”.
Jingles had not one, but two run-ins with opponents. The first was with “New Andy” along the end wall. There was some general contact which escalated to the point where Jingles dropped his stick, gloves, shorts and left sock. The second issue was really a night-long sparring session with Snowpants. There must have been some pretty good trash talk going on as there wasn’t any real physical confrontation other than Jingles saying “I was gonna rip his heart out, I’m the best ever. I’m the most brutal and vicious, the most ruthless champion there has ever been. My style is impetuous, my defence is impregnable, and I’m just ferocious. I want his heart. I want to eat his children”. The room was absolutely quiet until Youngblood spoke.
“Didn’t you get beat up by Sergei Federov’s kid brother?” Jingles did not reply, but looks like his intensity level is in a good place for the tourney.
Game two had another display of aggression resulting in the familiar refrain of “Play the ball”. Chevy, who has been conspicuously gentlemanly all season, must have finally found out that there is no Lady Byng being handed out this season. He drank his potion and immediately became Shovey, running Doc into and over the Team Black bench. Shamus and Jingles were discussing the pros and cons of tapping a midget and were not keeping a close eye on the play when the boards crashed down on their shins. If this occurs in the final night before the big dance there should be fireworks at the tourney this year. Vegas has been putting out lines on the first full-tilt Tomcat fight:
Jingles and Snowy even money
Jingles and New Andy 2 to 1
Jingles and Rocky 3 to 1
Sunny and Soupy at Greek Easter 4 to 1 *If Soupy continues to sully the managerial acumen of Husky Eyes by missing tournaments and nights when he is to bring beer (aka this week)
Doc and Chevy 5 to 1
Chevy and Rocky 6 to 1
Jingles and Chevy 7 to 1
Sunny and Soupy 10 to 1 *If Soupy pulls up his socks in the Tomcat organization and admits to Sunny which rooms he has had sex in when he lived at the house
Hurricane and anyone 100000 to 1
White started out Game two with a substantial lead that dwindled to a 6-6 draw. All the steam Black had from their comeback was halted unceremoniously by Youngblood, who said “fuck this”, took the ball from George’s stick and began driving up the floor on the restart after Black had knotted the score at 6 all. He sashayed around Shamus, ducked in between Lovie and Hollywood and ripped a wrister that did the rarest of all things. Beat Razor top glove. Yes, you read that correctly.
Youngblood threw his gloves in the air, put his back against the wall, jumped and waited for his teammates to swarm him just like Sid at the Olympics, which they were more than happy to do.
Hollywood and Lovie looked at each other with blank stares.
“Maybe you would have been quicker tonight if you didn’t wear your tool belt, Holly” said Lovie.
“Why don’t you drop the plow?” replied Hollywood. “You are slower than a good shit on a Sunday morning”. The guys relaxed a bit after sampling some beer and chalked it up to being exhausted from all the carpentry work on the new stick rack in the Tomcat locker room prior to the game.
Soupy’s dangerous no-show when he was to bring beer was muted slightly by the studliness of Youngblood who carted in the 7 pops he ripped off the homeless guy at the Walker underpass. He’s all class.
Speaking of class, the midget discussion was started by the young turks, Shamus and Jungles. Apparently their friends have exhausted all normal means of getting their nut off and have reached the depths of hunting former TLC show stars to satisfy their strange and frightening urges.
“Midgets? Fucking midgets?” said George incredulously. “You guys are fucking sick and need help. Amputees I can see, but midgets? Disgusting.”
The line of the night goes to Doc who came up with this gem while the idea of engaging in sexual relations with midgets was being bandied about: “I think it is a great idea. Her small hands would make your dick look bigger”. You can say a lot of things about Doc, but denying his logic is not one of them…
Until next time, I’m off to Buster Hymen
Click to enlarge…
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Tuesday night saw attendance levels back up to normal with 2 spares aside. Team “Brother Darkness” led by Stevo included Crow, Doc, Razor, Youngblood, Spinner and Rocky. Team “Tighty Whitey” was captained by Hollywood and featured the Falcon, Chevy, George Kastanza, the Snow-panted one, Shamus and Lovie.
I am writing this account in addition to the one from Mr. Ballsonue as I mistakenly thought he was away filming yet another blue movie. I didn’t realize he would be there, but he graciously allowed me to share the gondola with him and give my version of events.
The action was fast for the first ten to fifteen minutes with no scoring. As Harry mentioned, the goaltending display was one of, if not the finest we have seen all season. Team Whitey did much better than they should have as the defensive coverage was not up to snuff. Falcon was stellar. “I can’t believe how nimble the big guy is”, said Snowy. “He slides out those twinkle-toes like Fred Astaire and takes away the low corners” quipped Chevy.
The Black attack was running like a well-oiled machine. Spinner “Wesley” Snipes was snapping shots under the crossbar like Doc snaps off furious masturbation sessions between directing the big birds on his lunch break.
Speaking of Doc, he along with Stevo and Crow were putting on displays of passing that Howie Meeker would be proud of. Crow hasn’t had such great wingers since he played pro. The Tomcat Board is looking into a complaint that these guys have a competitive advantage due to their 3-hour hockey/karaoke sessions on Cada Crescent. Youngblood and Rocky pumped in a few goals and spread some sauce all over the ice for good measure.
The Whiteys won game two by some strange miracle combination of great goaltending by Falcon, a smooth “calm it down” from Captain Stevo and a few weird bounces past the stellar Razor. Before game 3, Captain Hollywood lobbed out an emotional speech that rallied the troops:
“Let’s do what we did last game guys”.
“What do you mean,… win?” asked Chevy, to which Hollywood responded “yes”.
That stirring speech was not enough to overcome the Crow Show and Team Black steamrolled to victory.
As noted by Harry, there was some interesting work along the wall between Chevy and Doc. It appeared that the young bulls were enjoying the effects of the spring weather and the upcoming mating season. Regardless, the boys were competing hard which is always good to see, as long as it doesn’t get to the “I’m not having any fun” or “I’m tossing a cooler lid” level.
The boys discussed the age gap between some of the players, noting that in the past all the older guys needed was a Farah Fawcett poster, a tube sock and some alone time to be happy. Doc stated that he thought Lovie was 64 years old, but was corrected. He only moves like he is 64.
“Samantha Fox had a great poster that was good fodder for punching the bishop” said George.
“I had a video of 7 chicks performing every act and fetish out there and I didn’t even get turgid” replied Shamus.
“That’s a real shame…us”…said Stevo as the boys loaded up to go to Purples where MGD’s and stories of karaoke at Doc’s filled yet another fun evening with the Tomcats.
Buster
…by Harry Ballsonue
Hellcats: Falcon, Hollywood, Lovie, Snowpants, Shamus, Chevy and Yuri
Blackcats: Razor, Crow, Spinner, Youngblood, Rocky and Stevo
7-5, 3-7, 5-1. Hellcats win.
If Razor plays hockey in the tournament, like he did last night, you might as well give the Polka Kings the Stanley’s Cup as they walk in on the 26th and let the drinking begin. Razor made save after save after save. Only sharpshooter Lovie Edgar was able to solve the Razor. Shamus, who usually can nail them in pretty good, was on the score sheet with only one goal on the night. But don’t think for a moment, the Falcon was a slouch, no way!!! the Falcon made some pretty darn great saves on Stevo close in, when it looked like he had the Falcon down and out, out came a black leather flash and a glove save was made.
“Any time I can get the Falcon to lay on his belly, it means more to me then a goal”, Stevo Jaworiwsky had said and smiled.
David ‘Crow’ Crawford was his usual Mario Lemieux self setting up plays, dangling, zipping, skipping all the way on the score sheet. Spinner Dzibela shot a rocket into the top shelf, right where Grandma keeps the peanut butter.
Strong performances were also exhibited by Chevy, Doc, Yuri, Youngblood and Hollywood. Snowpants, who was still hanging onto the effects if a bad cold, struggled, but notched two goals on the night.
At one time, the big man, Chevy Szcewczuk crashed Andy ‘Doc’ Brewin into the cement wall. After the large thump and the words, “play the ball” were yelled they continued to play the game of hockey, but after the game, Doc Brewin said, “I always don’t know if I am going to be dropping the gloves with Chevy or not”.
Two and Two spares made for a great night of hockey, all in preparation for the upcoming February 26, Tomcat Hockey Tournament.
At the tournament, maybe behind the curtain, ready your forehead and I’ll slip my Harry Ballsonue.
Compliments of Lovie:
Bonus vid of what Turco thinks of McGuire:
By Heywood Jewblowmee
As I write this article, the tournament is only 14 days away. Sparky Renaud was the first to bow out. No worries, like a war or peace keeping, replacements were on the way. Then Louis ‘the Rake’ Koenigsberger went down with an upper body injury, believed to be the right shoulder. Tomcats are now saying Louis will be out till the tournament. He may play, he may Coach, but he will be there (What a trooper). LaBamba Vlaminck is 95% out, is what I am being told, but if you love to watch a Nicklas Linstrom type player, you hope that he will be there. It is work related and he has warned the Tomcat organization.
Then there is Junior. Has not played all year and is hoping to play come tournament time, come hell or high water. That could prove interesting, it would be nice to see him come out on a Tuesday and just see if he could pivot and play, but his status is known….he is injured.
Now comes Soupy Salaris. Selected in third round by the Jingles Jets and was to be a key component of the Crawford-Dzibela-Salaris scoring line, but now, Soupy is out so that he can sell Sklar Peppler and Lazy Boy to Windsor furniture buyers. No worries, it is work and that is a priority, but interesting how this whole Karma thing works. You tell me there is no Karma Police (Radiohead is the band by the way, great song). There is such a thing as the Karma Police. Which player never showed up for the tournament last year, and never said anything to anyone? Hint, he is the Captain of the Jingle Jets. Answer: Kevin Kuprowski. (was fined a case and half of beer and paid it up)
Which Captain, selected Soupy Salaris and now, will be missing a key player in the tournament? Hint, he is the Captain of the Jingle Jets. Answer; Kevin Kuprowski.
Karma is out there. You get what you deserve.
Be aware. Tomcat Karma is out there too. Bring beers, share, love and don’t hurt anyone.
“Karma Police arrest this man, he talks in maths, he buzzes like a fridge, he’s like a detuned radio” Radiohead
And I know, one day, I will meet another Harry Ballsonue and he will say, ‘Come here Mr. Man, I want to put my Harry Ballsonue”!!!
Sparky turns down Captain’s role and Soupy doling out 30% off love-seats instead of sweet feeds at Tomcat Tourney!
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There is a major undercurrent of uncertainty in Tomcat Nation right now after word has filtered out that Sparky Renaud, upper echelon Tomcat official, has stepped down from a Tomcat Tournament Captaincy.
“I can’t believe that clown” said Jingles Kuprowski “I’d give my left nut to be a captain and he turns it down like an offer to large size his Big Mac combo at the drive through”. The guys were nice enough to explain to Lovie that you could actually turn down the large size offer.
Stevo wasted no time reminding Jingles that, A, he actually is a captain this year, and B, that the only reason he is a captain is to try and ensure he will actually show up for the spectacle this year.
When called to comment, Sparky replied that he had a work function to attend to and he was disappointed. “I told the sweetie that if I had to I would quit my job to make the tournament. Then I heard Soupy was out, so what the hell?”
The Associated Press contacted Soupy Salakis just before press time and he offered his apologies. “I was so jacked for my first tourney, but that Leon fella is a hard-ass. I hope I still get invited to Christmas at Cousin Sunny’s” said Salakis.
On a related note, Sunny may be getting his 4-star GM rating slashed to a 2. Stevo was overheard behind the curtain. “I can’t argue with the talent level of Soupy and Boomba. They are great players. You could sign up Gretzky and Lemieux for the Tomcats, but if they never come out what kind of manager are you? I have brought out Crow and Brewin who are lighting up the league and all anyone talks about is Sunny and his goddamn Husky Eyes.”
There has been no word from Sunny yet, but Falcon has been picking up increased activity from Greek mafia on the interweb. Stay tuned.
…Buster Hymen
Tuesday night was a season low for attendance. It seems that many players incorrectly thought it was Sparky’s Dancing with Myself Event and went to the Casino. Instructions on this event will follow later. Word on the street is that there was also a 2-for-1 beef on a bun at Silvers which also limited attendance. When called by cell phone, Youngblood commented in a hard-to-understand voice as he hungrily drilled back his sandwich: “You just can’t beat shaved roast beef”…
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Hollywood, aka Toe Blake did the best he could with the minimal numbers he had to work with:
Team Carbon Black consisted of Razor “the Reflex”, the power play quarterback Yuri Met, Husky Eyes aka “Adam Oates” and the recent goal-scoring juggernaut they call Shamus.
Team Whitehead was made up of Mike “Edie” Falcone, Killer “the converted Muslim” Colisanti, Mikey “Slats” Hollywood and the sniper known only as Spinner.
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The result of the game was a blackout of gargantuan proportion, similar to the one that knocked out power on the entire east coast of North America in 2005 when Junior went ballistic due to being unable to access his Plenty of Fish account for 2 and a half days. The passing was sublime and the goals were hot and heavy…from the Black Attack.
“It seemed like the floor was tilted down toward our goal” said Menzel as he applied aloe to his very sensitive 3rd degree shoulder burn while throwing back about 8 beers. “Then came game 2 and 3…” he said as he slowly curled into the fetal position beside his hockey bag and began sucking his thumb. Someone suggested spooning the Falcon to offer him some support. George’s response was direct and to the point as usual. “You want a spoon? Go get one in the fucking drawer. Jesus, you guys…”
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Game two included the appearance of Lovie for Team Whitehead. Unfortunately, this did nothing to change the fortunes of the club. Shamus, who is normally very generous with his praise and encourages the direct correlation of beer consumption to the quality of play, suggested that Lovie try “going dry” for this week. In fact, many players were angry with Lovie for showing up as the beer allotment had been thrown into confusion by adding another body. Apparently some guys understood there would be no math involved…
The score ended 7-3 or somewhere in that neighborhood. Black were scoring so fast I actually could not keep up from the Gondola. Poor Falcon was facing 2 and 3 on ones all game. The 3-on-3 was opening up the game like a grade nine girl after a Vodka and OJ and the Black guys were taking full advantage. It was so degrading that Spinner left. He was concerned that being around such a debacle could hurt his reputation. Team White looked around at each other, but really could not argue the point. As a pillar of the community directing the future of the country, no one could blame him. (Plus, it brought the beer per capita back up to pre-Lovie levels)
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It was decided that a 5-goal third game would be played. Mike squared and Killer did their best to cough up every pass attempt directly to the opposing team, although they did spice it up by getting ridiculously bad bounces off the plumbing, pounding “passes” directly over the boards into George’s change room and also a few scattered ones into the curtain. Lovie especially, seems to have a real knack for taking out light bulbs. To top it all off, Hollywood took a stick directly in the eye. “Razor basically gave me a Lasic procedure” said Mikey, “except for the 2″ long splinter jammed into my cornea”.
After jumping out to a 3-0 lead due to some really nice playmaking between the Trifecta of Sunny, George and Shamus, Team Whitehead actually made a slight comeback started by the hustle of Killer who knocked in a rebound on the 17th attempt. “Now that is effort”, said Razor “Killer makes Pete Rose look like a lazy, degenerate gambler…oh, uh. You know what I mean…
Not satisfied with totally humiliating their opponents, winning all three games and raping and pillaging the White village, Shamus had the nerve to trip Hollywood on a partial breakaway. That was the last straw. The Whitenheimers pretty much laid down like a dog in the heat and took their medicine. George ended up with 3 GWG and then everyone explained to Sunny that they were not blue jeans, but game-winning goals.
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Talk on the stage was great and a variety of topics were discussed, including strip joints, dancing bears, The Beanery, Asian persuasions, Junior’s interpersonal skills and did I mention strippers? OK, we only had one topic, but the convo was great.
Someone brought up the recent new story of a fireman responding to a house with smoke showing. Apparently he used his axe to create a small hole in the door and was trying to reach in and unlock the door. At some point during the event the dumbass who was crushed after his SuperBowl party and threw a Dellissio in the oven before passing out in a heap actually woke up. Unsure what was going on he grabbed a baseball bat, called his shot Babe-style and proceeded to pound the shit out of this firefighter’s meathook. We were enjoying the story and chuckling when Razor spoke up. “It’s lucky he didn’t do a Jack Nicholson “Here’s Johnny”, they could have called it “The Shiner”.
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It just goes to show that as Killer says, “when life gives you lemons, you can make lemonade…as long as they are fresh. Produce is critical. You really have to look out for the blight, it really dries those suckers out and then there isn’t much juice to squeeze……………”.
Tomcat hockey is a lot like BJ’s, even a bad one is good.
I’m Buster Hymen, filling in for Harry, who will have his Harry Ballsonue if you don’t do what Don Cherry says and keep your head up.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
08:30hrs Jingles Jets vs. Rocky’s Wings
09:00hrs The Young Bloods vs. The Polka Kings
09:30hrs Full Windsor Tomcat Team Picture
10:00hrs Rocky’s Wings vs. The Young Bloods
10:30hrs Polka King’s vs. Jingles Jets
11:00hrs Rocky’s Wings vs. Polka Kings
11:30hrs The Young Bloods vs. Jingles Jets
12:30hrs Championship Game
_____________ vs. ______________
13:00hrs Celebration
13:30hrs Awards & Presentation of Stanley’s Cup
15:30hrs Purples; Dinner and Drinks
Windsor Tomcats 