Two Items of Business from Razor:
1. THE WINNER OF THE HOMER SIMPSON LOOK-ALIKE CONTEST! CLICK HERE (Not safe for work)
2. http://www.chucknorrisjokes.net/ [Some gems in there]
(Harry Palm Press):
What a fantastic night of end to end hockey with Team Black taking both games 7-4. No wonder there wasn’t a 3rd game – I kept track with my stop watch and the 2nd game lasted over 50MINUTES!! No mini tourney this week as the benches shortened a bit with 2 and 3 spares a side. Another quick look and it was evident the Tomcats that did show up and are still grinding it out post Tourney time were indeed the cagey veteran types. Stevo “The Commish” for team Black had an absolute highlight reel beauty fooling Razor for a rare goal against the netminder. When I asked Stevo about the move earlier I heard him say “Well last week Razor busted out a sweet move for me in him celebrating my b-day – so I felt obligated to return the favour in kind – Oh, and despite any rumours, there will be no releasing of that “move” by razor via youtube or any other form”. Good thing there wasn’t a 3rd game, I could tell players were gassed, and were very happy to see the stage overflowin with cold beer – party due to the “Hurricane” bringing in another 24 of bubbly. Speaking of bubbly “Skippy” – still out with the hand injury showed up to watch and supplied the boys with a glass of bubbly champagne. Apparently while the hand might not work, the nether region does and “Skipp” informed the boys his lovely wife is expecting their first child. Well done Skippy – considering when he did play out he certainly wasn’t the scoring threat type of player. Skippy passed on that the baby is due between October 24-30th, so stay tuned for an opportunity to bet on the date/time of the little Skipster. For a $5 wager, the winner will take home half the pot, and the other half will go to the baby. Apparently Skippy is already saving to outfit the little bun in glorious Tomcat merchandise! Even more good news, only 1 regular season game left and things will wrap up April 26th at the 2nd annual Tomcat outdoor classic. Bulldog, the official player handling the outdoor tourney, indicated at last Tuesdays game a few more players are still needed. Considering the larger floor space more players aren’t a bad idea. Sources close to the tourney have whispered fans will get to see some new players faces from the farm teams – all looking to future spots on the roster. Either way – it will be one heck of a show.
Until next time – Umm – Skippy your
HANDSONMECAC
Yurri
AND DAVE ‘HURRICANE’ HANN BRINGS A 2-4
…by Harry Ballsonue
Team White (and Beige): Bulldog, Razor, Sparky, Hollywood, Soupy, Chevy, Doc and Junior
Team Black: Snowpants, Stevo, Jingles, Youngblood, Rocky, Cribz and the Falcon
Hockey was fine, with both goalies standing on their heads and spitting nickels. Team Black finally winning after a marathon of hockey, 7-4 7-4. “It was a hot one out there tonight”, stated Mike ‘the Falcon’ Menzel “It may be the end of the season, but the boys can still turn it on”, Menzel concluded. “I don’t know what happened out there tonight to us” stated a perplexed Chevy Szcewczuk, “We had our chances, but the Falcon seemed to stop everything tonight”.
Snowpants Ferranti scored his 7th goal of the season last night. Brought in as a goal scorer from the New Jersey Zepher’s a year and a half ago, Snowpants has not been up to snuff. “we are not disappointed in his play at all, he is doing all the right things out there, but just gripping his stick a bit too tight, maybe” indicated Tomcat Team Captain Paul Poisson, who himself had a stellar game, knotting a few goals himself, top shelf where Gramma keeps her Sherry. And yes, Snowpants spent half his time on his side, sliding around the Kapusta Kow Palace. Gomez scores 8 for the Habs this year at 8 Million a year and Snowpants scores 7 for the Tomcats at 7 mil a year…hummmmm interesting.
Solid performances were also put in by Rocky Comartin, Bulldog Meloche and Doc Brewin, who, for some reason wore a beige shirt, instead of a white shirt. (Advisory committee to meet in the off season about that to determine if a fine should be levied)
Tomcats then held their NHL Playoff hockey pool. 14 Participants with Lovie Edgar being the 14th. (Lovie was not there and his team was to be picked for hime) There was some talk about expelling Lovie Edgar from the pool and that is when Stevo Jaworiwsky, threw the King of Spades (which was Lovie’s pick) across the stage. Stevo then said, ‘he’s a fag, he should not be in the pool’. A few Tomcats nodded in agreement as the playing card landed at the feet of Bulldog Meloche. At that moment, Michael Jaworiwsky the pool organizer got up and said, “That’s it, I’m done, if Lovie is not in the pool, I’m not in the pool, it’s not like he’s some homeless person, he’s a Tomcat” Jaworiwsky said, his face all red and bothered. Steven Jaworiwsky, older brother then said, “If my brother is not in the pool, then I am not in the pool”. Then Bulldog Meloche said, “If Stevo is not in the pool, then I am not in the pool” . Then Youngblood Morgan spoke up, “If Bulldog is not in the pool, then I’m not in the pool”. And so on, when it ended up, only Junior was still in the hockey pool. The stage fell silent, as Mike Jaworiwsky pulled out the participants cash from his wallet and said, “Here is the money, take it”.
What next?
For a split second, no one knew what to do. Was this true? No Tomcat NHL Playoff pool? Go On!
But wait, then Bulldog Meloche said, “I’ll pick for Lovie”. Then Stevo said, “No, I’ll pick for Lovie”, Then Doc Brewin, Still wearing his BEIGE shirt said, “No, I’ll pick for Lovie, he’s not a homeless person, he has no shopping cart, I’ll pick for him, he’s a Tomcat”. Then…as Mike Jaworiwsky, held back tears of joy, the pool was back on, as he yelled, “Lovie, Zippy and Rocky on deck”. At that moment the pool was back on and happy Tomcat faces were everywhere on stage. Thank you Mike ‘Hollywood’ Jaworiwsky for the pool, for being you and saving the Tomcat day! (Jaworiwsky indicated that this would however be the last hockey pool that he is running for the Tomcats)
In other news, Dave Hann had his son Bryan Hann bring a case of beer to hockey. To show what a great guy Hurricane Hann is, he was only to bring a 12 pack. But Davey brought a twenty four of MGD. Fantastic job…a super solid on Hurricane Hann’s part. That case was held back for next week, where it will be placed on ice and enjoyed on the last night of hockey. Also bringing beer next week is Dave ‘Spinner’ Dziebela. Tomcats also have a number of beers being held up in the Tomcat room, so come prepared to have a few beers next week.
On the injured reserve, Dave Crawford out with a broken left index finger and Shamus Goldstein is out with an upper body injury, believed to be his back.
Soupy Salaris announced that he is out for the outdoor game, but hopes to join the Tomcats for one or two drinks at the Dom Polski.
Paul Poisson was the winner of the regular season pool, ($90) with second place going to Darek Kowalczykowsk ($50) and third place was won by Ken Cribley ($10)
Next week is the last week of hockey at the Kapusta Kow Palace. Come on out, would love to see a mini tournament, with my Harry Ballsonue.
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This week featured yet another mini-tourney with some great hockey. The first game, between Stevo and Snowpants was the finest hockey seen at the Palace in some time. The action was end-to-end and the goaltending was absolutely stellar. Stevo scored a ridiculously sweet goal on an amazing deke that only he could score. Somewhere in Tampa Stevie Y was smiling the moment “Stevo Franchise” juked, jived and buried the biscuit. His posed stare into the rafters only made the goal more legendary. Bulldog drove home the winner into the top corner on a great drive to the net. It was just a great hockey game for the ages…
Bearcat showed absolutely no rust coming out after weeks off. He may have stolen Sparky’s WD-40…He certainly showed his class by bringing out beer “just because”. Hollywood continued to enhance his already stellar image by bringing more beer than he needed to as well as working with Falcon to act as ringleader for Stevo’s birthday gift from the boys. Of course, Hollywood got the whisky while Falcon used his experience with porn to dive deep into the bargain bin for Granny Gums. Not happy with the regular version, he went for the higher model with more holes, more wrinkles, additional liver spots and removable dentures. Yes, you read that correctly. I can’t believe it and I just wrote it. Nothing but class Falcon! Attaboy. Speaking of class, Stevo was serenaded with a Marilyn-like version of happy birthday doled out by Razor…wearing nothing but a jock strap and his singing ability.
“Christ” said Junior, “Razor needs to do some fucking manscaping. It looked like he was trying to hide a wooly mammoth underneath a walnut shell”.
“I had to go to the hospital in the middle of the night” said a dejected Youngblood. “I must have taken a pube in the eye, it swelled up like a grade 9 boy who stumbles into the girl’s change room at shower time”.
“I enjoyed the spirit of it, but could have done without the sweaty ass-print on my slacks” said Captain Stevo. “That guy is a beauty”.
George was “on” again, getting the highest ratings on the laugh-o-meter as usual. Shamus is really finding his groove on stage. Even though he went down early in the tourney with a lower body injury he popped some pills to try and play. That was unsuccessful, but he stuck around to have drinks with the boys and celebrate his team’s win. Good stuff Shamus. Snowy had a big day at work Wednesday, but stuck around for some beer and whisky drinks with the boys. Junior and Razor looked like they were going to go nose-to-nose briefly but ended up laughing and sharing a Golden Pheasant. Rocky was a stud in the tourney, really picking up his play when 1st round draft pick Shamus went down to injury. Snowy and Sunny looked like Hall and Oates out there threading passes back and forth. No, not the Maneaters, the other ones who play hockey. Louis and Killer had some great battles in the corner, the best being in the back corner of the stage while debating the merits of doggy-style vs the council of the cow. I read a missing poster on my milk carton the other day. It had Falcon’s ass on it…
At one point in the games Stevo and George met behind the net and took part in a heated battle for the ball. It looked like two majestic rams with steam pouring from their nostrils, rising to meet each other in a powerful charge. Or maybe two Heavy Metal-type cartoon Gods with swords clanging. Or even better, two Champion-caliber heavyweight boxers slugging it out to the delight of the crowd. When this was brought up between games by Louis, Stevo replied “George had the ball and I lifted his stick and took the ball, that’s all”. I tend to agree with Louis, it was a great moment between two veterans, the two veteran pillars of the Tomcat organization. Stevo gave George props on the stage, stating that “George wanted to play some basketball. That’s how all this started so many years ago. Along with Hollywood, we are like the trinity”.
There was a strong crowd onstage yet again and the chatter went on late as is recently the standard. A small, but committed contingent zipped over to Purples afterward. Sunny Salaris had the night off and wanted to soak in the Purples experience that he normally misses due to work commitments. He showed his generosity by grabbing the first round. Hollywood darted directly to the jukebox, which is a welcome addition in my opinion. Nothing goes better with beers and hanging with the boys like music. Oh yeah, some talk of former conquests is good too, but is still better with tunes. Holly went heavy on the ballads to the delight of everyone in the bar. The guy in the old-school purple Purples jacket was even rocking out up at the bar. Hurricane explained that hearing INXS gives him an urge to throw his belt around his neck and dive into the broom closet to masturbate furiously while strung up on a footstool. I guess that’s just how he rolls…
Sparky showed up on stage even though he is busy trying to get his dance partner to go commando next round and Doc showed up at Purples after work to have a drink.
The boys floated out into the evening on the notes of Never Tear Us Apart. Amen to that…
Bloggy Bloggerstein
(Harry Palm Press):
Every good Tomcat knows a thing or two about hockey playoff pools – except maybe Skippy. I recall the one year he did go in under the guise of “Two monkeys with a pen”, he wasn’t even listed as a player – that’s how bad he played. Regardless another year is closing in on the Tomcats and the boys will turn their thoughts to playoff hockey (PS – Some teams aren’t in ok Skip – Like don’t bet on the Leafs). Who will dominate this year – a $11 wager may wind up paying for quite a few rounds at Purples. Insiders say they’ve looked at the $11 and it’s going to pay big dividends because that means ya gotta likely break a $20. Good thing because that leaves most with a $5 in what I can only slyly call another pool. While not endoresed by the league this additional $5 if you choose to indulge – will likely net the winner a cool $450bucks. Show up this Tues with your magic 8 balls and other devices to pick your NHL pool, and be prepared to be blown away by the $5 deal, which will be unveiled with much fanfare and disbelief. I pray this time I got it right – cause fans know I’ve been wrong before – but sources close to the “other” pool indicate someone is going to be very money happy.
Oh- sorry Snowpants, your HANDONMECAC, and that is an illegal device according to Tomcat rules.
Yurri
Razor reminds just how dangerous Ball Hockey can be. Remember, stay hydrated and take it easy out there. The Kuputsa Kow Palace may have a Gummy Granny but there is no defibulator…yet.
Via CBC.ca and Razor
A 38-year-old man died Tuesday night after he went into cardiac arrest during a recreational ball-hockey game at an Ottawa school gymnasium.
Ottawa paramedics said the man collapsed at a Maitland Avenue school at about 6:50 p.m. Bystanders had started CPR before paramedics arrived, but paramedics were unable to resuscitate him. He was later pronounced dead.
Paramedics said an automatic external defibrillator, or AED, a device that is available at all City of Ottawa recreational facilities, was not available in this case.
The presence of an AED may have been a factor in a successful resuscitation just over an hour earlier in Hintonburg.
In that instance, a 52-year-old man was playing hockey at Tom Brown Arena on Bayview Road when he collapsed on the bench.
City staff at the arena started CPR and shocked the man’s heart with their defibrillator.
Paramedics arrived and provided medication intravenously. The man regained a pulse at the scene.
Ottawa Paramedic Service superintendent Paul Morneau said automated defibrillators have saved more than 30 people in the last decade in Ottawa.
Defibrillators are in 800 locations across the city, particularly at city buildings. Morneau said it’s a good idea for any organization that has many people gathering to consider buying one and training staff to use it.
“Basically, the chain of survival is early CPR, early defibrillation, early advanced life support paramedics and then definitive care as well to the hospital,” said Morneau.
…By Dick Fitzwell
Snowsqualls: Snowpants, Sunny, George. Youngblood, Killer and Falcon
Stevo Sting Rays: Stevo, Chevy, Junior, Hollywood, Bulldog and Bearcat Meloche
Lovieville Flyers: Lovie, Shamus, Rocky, Hurricane, Razor, Jingles and Louis the Rake
Yet another Mini Tournament springs up at the Kapusta Kow Palace. That is 5 for the season. No one was complaining though, as there were 1 spare a side and the hockey was fast a furious. “That first game, between the Snowsqualls and the Sting Rays was magnificent, probably the best hockey I have seen this season”, indicated Lovie Edgar who five peated. He has been on the winning team in each of the five mini tournaments. “I don’t know how that works, great team effort, there is no I in team, but there is in Lovie” Lovie Edgar had said with a smile.
Dean Bearcat Meloche came out for the first time this season and got some evil looks from Razor and the Falcon, but then when more players came walking up on stage, they accepted him once again, into the Tomcat fold.
Bearcat Meloche was made the first star with a stellar performance in net and for bringing a 12 pack of MGD, on a ‘just because’ basis. Second star went to Rocky Comartin who had a fantastic night. Third star was taken by Snowpants Ferranti who seemed to be every where, scoring, passing and just being a great leader on the bench.
The super solid of the week goes to Mykel ‘Hollywood’ Jaworiwsky for not just bringing his 24 beers. He brought 36 beers and a number of vodka drinks. Hollywood could have just brought regular beer…..but no…not Hollywood, he The Golden Pheasant and premium beer from Slovakia. Hell, if he was not already nicknamed Hollywood, Im sure he would have been named, Mykel ‘the Golden Pheasant’ Jaworiwsky. In fact I like that, “Hey Golden Pheasant, nice game…”.
Tomcats have a Falcon, a Crow, an Eagle, ( A Sparrow that does not come out anymore) so why not a Golden Pheasant. Not just Pheasant Jaworiwsky, Golden Pheasant Jaworiwsky.
For Stevo’s very cruel practical April Fool’s joke, he did bring a 40 of Wisers that was enjoyed by all.
Two weeks left at the Kapusta Kow Palace, then the out door game. Next week, April 12, it is NHL Playoff Hockey Pool Draft night. Cost is $11 and Tomcats are supplying a 24 MGD for that night along with George Metulynsky’s case of ????? (guessing either 50 or Red Cap…but the Tomcats are hoping for 50)
Only cancellations for next week are Hurricane, LaBamba, Sunny, Spinner and Killer, so come prepared for another mini tournament. Stevo Jaworiwsky tells me, that he is going to change things up a bit and have three, never before Mini Tournament Captains…..so it should be an exciting night.
Bring you NHL Hockey picks, a pen and reading glasses and we will see you next week.
As they say, ‘Tomcats Forever’ and hey hey hey…Dick Fitzwell.
(Harry Palm Press):
You gotta take your hat off to a classy guy like Stevo (AKA -The Commish). When he heard Skippy was unable to attend this evening, he advised the injured goalie to not worry as he’d take care of the case of beer Skippy owed. Class is matched with class, as Skippy adamantly insisted he bring the case owed -and with good reason. Seeing as how long the tender has been missing from the flock, he went way out there for his choice of beverages. I give you “TYSKIE” – a robust and very generous 500ml bottle of bubbly goodness -compared to those inferior 355ml brands. Ok it’s not the MGD endorsed brand of the Tomcats -but it is BEER. Time will tell if the Tomcat players enjoy the illictor as much as Skippy does. When I conference called him he explained the tactic -“Problem is I wanted to show up and see the guys – I was also curious about the rumour of another goalie who’d been called up and has been filling in. Apparently he’s pretty good, and was well liked as he’d brought beer. Unfortunately today I had 8-10 needles of a local anaesthetic put in my hand to assist with my recovery. I just don’t know when that’s gonna wear off -and when it does I’m gonna be curled up in the corner prayin for death. So I went with a premium imported brand with more ml to sweeten the pot. Hope it works – and rest assured I’ll be out to support everyone at the outdoor tourney”. Enough said Skippy, cause any good Tomcat will tell you it is indeed about the beer -and not only does any beer taste good, but free beer is even sweater going down. Now that Skippy is getting better, I’ll have to tell him -umm Yuri HANDZONMECAC.
Windsor Tomcats 
