Windsor Tomcats

by Heywood Jewblowmee

Windsor –AP- This morning’s press conference at the Kapusta Kow Palace showed me a few things, the Ukrainians really know there stuff when it comes to Vereneke (Porogy’s),  that on a rainy dull day almost all media types will show up to a press conference where Vereneke are being offered and that the Tomcat organization really knows what it is doing. Case in point, Hurricane is not able to be a tournament Captain this year, as he finds it much more important to be with his wife on a tropical cruise, (at that time) instead of Captaining a tournament team……can you imagine that! So he asked to be removed as Captain. He, Yuri and Stevo were to be this year’s Captains, as they were going to try to make a team to take on Rocky’s defending Stanley’s Cup Championship team.

Enter May Day, who for only being here for 4 weeks, is the new Minister of Fines and Suspensions and is the Acting Director of Player Personnel and now has been named as the third Captain, for the February tournament. “We were looking at going with three of the oldest Tomcats still playing, Hurricane, Yuri and Stevo filled that bill, but now that May Day is here, and Hurricane is out, then May Day was an easy selection, a no brainer as they say”. Stated the Bundura, who emceed the press conference and added, “If May Day was not here playing and still up in the Sault, then Bulldog would have had seniority as the longest running Tomcat, but age wise he is behind May Day, Stevo and Yuri”. Bundura concluded.

“I am very honoured to be selected, I know what the selection process was and it makes sense, I know I have not been in the fold for a while, but I think I can do a good job selecting a team and I hope the May Day Marauders have a strong showing and win it all”. May Day stated then added, “My first order of business would be to see if I could trade for my old neighbour Crispy as it would be nice to have him on my team, I will be making that call to Rocky as soon as I leave the Kapusta Kow Palace today”. May Day had said, with a wry smile.

Draft will go in early February. Tournament is February 25, 2012 and ‘players who are interested in playing this year’ will be asked to submit their names at the end of December early January.

After the tournament, when you have had a few beers and a few laughs with your Tomcat buds, and feeling a bit punchy and randy,  I will come up to you, maybe behind the first curtain, or up in the Tomcat room and say, Heywood Jewblowmee.

by Harry Ballsonue

The War Pigs; Sunny, Cribz, Killer, Snowpants, Sparky, Jingles and the Matador

The Shamus Storm; Falcon, Shamus, Zchabba, Yuri, Hollywood, Spinner and Stevo

The Black Snowbirds; Lovie, Rocky, the Danish, Hurricane, Rake, MayDay and Junior

“Usually, Yuri will say to me, when he is against me, ‘watch the cherry picker’, but because I was on his team, he did not say that, instead he put me down for the beer I brought, which was Brava Light” Stevo said, as he was leaving the Kapusta Kow Palace. He scored a few goals tonight, one that he got on the Matador, with 2 seconds left in the game, on a high pass from his brother, that was passed up over Sparky and as Stevo caught the pass in his glove, and put it on the floor and then put it threw the five hole to tie the game up the press box erupted. “How does that happen, with 2 seconds left on the clock”, asked Damien Cox of the Toronto Star.

In the three star selection, Shamus was third star, the Danish came in as second star and Killer, just back from the I.R. was the first star knotting 6 goals on the night. “I felt great out there today” Killer said, “I got 6, but did not score in the final game” He concluded.

Junior who was to bring a 24 out tonight, had protested  and appealed the fine and brought  no beer! (can you imagine?) The minister of fines and suspensions, is to make a formal ruling and everyone is to be advised by email. “I don’t believe I should be fined a 24, I have asked the Minister to look at my appeal and to make a determination, I don’t want to get into the facts through the media, but May Day is a fair man and I will gladly accept the fine that is handed out by him  but right now, no beer “. Stated Junior.  When asked if he at least brought his 12 pack that he owed from the week before, he said, ‘no comment”. 

So we have covered the Cherry Picker, the Nicker and now a flicker.

I don’t know what it is about the Tomcats, but I see a flicker of greatness amongst them all.  Ever hang out with them? Great bunch of guys? Laughing, loving. Come and spend some time with them, you won’t want to leave.

Big thanks goes out to two net minders that normally do not play for the Tomcat in net, The Danish and to the Matador. The Tomcats thank you.

It was thought that Youngblood was going to come off Injured Reserve and be at the games, but he did not pass the medical and sat in the press box watching the games.  Tomcats hope to have him back next week.

Snowpants had a hot night as well, notching his 13th and 14th goals of the season.  Rocky on the other hand, netted 5 goals on a few very pretty passes by Hurricane.  The Hurricane may not be the storm he once was, but can still make a nice pass.

The Black Snowbirds ended up winning the mini tournament. That Rocky, he knows how to pick them . 

Jack-Key (Lovie’s wife) had been fined a 12, it has been since, discovered that Lovie’s not showing up was truly legitimate and that Jack-Key should not have been fined.  The Tomcats take back that fine.  It should be noted however, that Lovie brought his case of 12 with no reluctance, appeal or excuses. As for Stevo, had had not turned on his ‘out of the office’ device and  missed the Rake telling him that he would not be there and along with his 12 (that he was suppose to bring) brought an additional 12 of Brava Light. “I love that beer, it is tasty and smooth and I encourage all Tomcats to bring Brava Light, as their beer. It the beer of summer”. Stevo had said. 

After the complaint about the Brava Lights  (by Yuri) and Juniors appeal,  (It’s before the review board”)  I sat there with the Danish not looking and I said to him, ‘good goaltending tonight and congrats on being named the second star, now lay still, as I put my Harry Ballsonue”.

from the Harry Palm Press…

I may not have had the chance recently to sneak into a Tomcat game considering increased security at the gates looking for scalped tickets,  BUT, I do faithfully try to read the St Felix.  Imagine my horror when I saw the Tomcats had to purchase 3 rolls of tape for $9?????  That’s like $3 a roll – Holy gold tape Batman.  I just came from our neighbours – The U.S where I purchased 10 rolls of Black tape for $10 – Yup $1 per role.  K, I paid my $9 total in round trip toll, so $19 for 10 rolls.  Still that’s $1.99 a roll.  OOO now your gonna argue about gas – my friends that is cheaper over there too.  Still follow, cause when 8 Tomcats are on the floor chasing a little orange ball, how long does it take for the first Tomcat to break a sweat?  I digress, I quess I’ll come and bribe security with a roll of tape next time I do drop by – Hell I’ll even throw in a yellow roll for good measure. 

Before I get my mouth taped shut, it was nice to see Skippy back out on the past Tuesday in a role that had yet to be determined.  As there appeared to be several extra Tomcat players management decided on a “mini tournament”.  Stevo’s stingrays just edged out the Raxor “Rockets” 3-2 in the first game.  After that Tomcat players started to look around and realize some of those “extra” players actually didn’t materialize.  A decision was quickly made to combine all the remaining players and continue with a traditional game.  Unfortunatly 3 goalies showed up, so the Skipster stepped to the plate and volunteered to leave – What a class act.  At least that’s what I initially thought until learning Skippy actually had an early morning work out scheduled.  Speaking to him as he left, Skippy had another interesting exit strategy,  “Hey whenever you win a game against Razor, who is a top netminder in this league, you take that win and run.  Besides  I also left with a 2 G.A.A – Not bad for me, and it adds a layer of mystery/doubt in players mind when I played that well.”   Hard to argue with and I was impressed until sources indicated he’s been gettin lit up like a june bug in the Monday night midget league he’s been playing in.  

Just as Skippy was leaving I was approached by Security.  Apparetnly my “Black” tape was a horrible bribe, as I learned its no good for the Kapustow floors.  “White” is the only acceptable tape to go on the floor as “Black” leaves marks – So did security when they threw me out once they checked my homemade ticket.  Can you blame a guy for wanting to watch a Tomcat hockey game.

Finally, other sources have put to rest the “Danish” riddle regarding another spare Tomcat goalies “fan” email account.  All I can say is it involves the combination of two Eqyptian gods, a number, and an address.  Poor Danish, no wonder the guy is a Doctor, but like he reminds everyone, he’s not THAT kind of doctor.  Good thing, but don’t the Tomcats already have one “Doc” on the roster?, cause right now I’m kinda happy there may be two as I really need one to put there HANDZONMECAC and check out a growth.

Yuri

by Harry Ballsonue

What started out as a mini tournament night, ended up with 3 and four spares and a mad net minder.

Blackcats: Sunny, Soupy, LaBamba, Spinner, Zschabba, Razor, Doc, Shamus and Hollywood

WhiteHawks: Snowpants, Chevy, Rocky, The Turk, Hurricane, the Falcon, May Day and Stevo

Lovie was suppose to show up, but didn’t, but BBM Stevo to let him know (fine is being considered), never heard from The Rake or Bulldog and they never showed up.  Jingles cancelled last minute, as he had do do some family business. (Now keep in mind that Bulldog and the Rake may have sent a message to Stevo’s work email, but Stevo is away from his office till Friday and never put on the ‘out of office’ message, so if that is the case, then Stevo may be fined, and not the Rake and Bulldog.)

So we move on……in hockey news, and the game, the Stevo Stingrays started out playing the Sunny Skies…and beat them three to 2…but then, with new players not showing up, three teams were made into 2 and the night became a normal night, except for the vicious high stick on Sunny by Hollywood.  Hollywood crushed his stick down on Sunny’s skull but the ref did not see the infraction, it was caught on video tape and league disciplinarian Rex Albert reviewed the incident and sentenced Hollywood a first offender, to bring 6 beers.  Maybe in the NHL you would get six games, in Tomcat hockey, you get to bring six beers.

The Whitehawks, ended up defeating the Blackcats, in a very close battle, 7-6. There was some controversy, as Razor thought the score was incorrectly kept and showed his protest in the game and after to the reporters and fans, “I am not pleased with how the score is kept, it is bull do-do'” Razor had said, ‘It happens all the time”. The situation was explained to Razor but he wanted no part of the explanation. But then, as he sat there enjoying his cold beverage, it came to him, “oh, I see, the score card is red and black, we wore black, but the score was marked in red but should have been in black, but then it changed at the 4-4 score and then the white team took over the red score and the black team kept the black score”….

So, with the crazy controversy, Spinner has been made the ‘Official Score Keeper Guy’….He now holds two portfolio’s, Minister of Ice and Beverages and Score Keeping. Spinner will be the official individual to make sure the score is always correct and accurate and that the black score is kept for the black team and the red score is kept for the white team.

A heavier fine was set out on Junior.  He was to bring his 12 pack but never did. When it came to assessing the penalty, a suggestion of ‘What Would Junior Do” was suggested, and it was thought that Junior would say three full cases would be a fair penalty.  After some deliberation, it was decided that the fine would be doubled and instead of a 12, Junior is to bring 24 on the next night of hockey. What Would Junior Do bracelets, by the way, are now on sale in the Tomcat Kiosk located in the first and third levels of the Kapusta Kow Palace…W.W.J.D. Get your today!!!!

Over all the hockey was excellent with May Day knotting his two first goals of the season and the Turk knotted his first of the season.  May Day has not scored (on a score sheet) at the Kapusta Kow Palace since, March 25, 2007.

Snowpants’ birthday is on Thursday, so make sure you get a hold of him on that day, to wish the most favourtie Tomcat a Happy Birthday.

Strong performances by everyone, makes it difficult to put a shining star on anyone in particular, so good work Tomcats, see you next week.

Razor has been suspended one night for knocking off the net 4 times in one evening. he will not be allowed to play on February 17, 2011.

Lovie’s wife, Jack -Key has been sentenced a fine of a 12 pack for not letting Lovie play hockey on a night, when he already had one foot in the car.

Stevo will be investigated (no ‘out of office’ reply) and a penalty is pending.

Chevy suggested that if you lose your games on a Tuesday night, you are responsible to put the boards away, so next week, if you are on the losing team…you will put the boards-nets-towels away.

Check ou the Tomcat of the Week!

While Sunny was bleeding out from his head, I said to him, “can I have a look at your head?” He is a kind and gentle man, he said, ‘Sure take a look, “Sunny, as I did, I was able to put my Harry Ballsonue”.

By Heywood Jewblowmee

To all my loyal readers sorry I have not been writing about the beloved Tomcats but I have been covering this other league called the NHL and I had be do some stuff on the NFL, I’ve been doing that since Howard Cossell died, I hope to be rid of that gig soon, they don’t let you celebrate a touchdown in that league, Dumb!

Anyway, I was in the press box on Tuesday and watched the game between the Snow Squalls and the Stevo Stingrays, when the buzzer had gone and then Tomcat favourite, Snowpants scored a goal.  There was somewhat of an uproar, as the Snow Squalls had difficulty scoring goals, so you can see where they wanted to protest.  Well Snowpants gets a towel and pretends he is reviewing the play, now I am sitting there watching this, thinking ‘OH MY GOD THIS IS FUNNY’. I fall off my seat laughing, then he goes and makes an announcement, “After further review…….” I’m crying now……all of us are laughing, the guys from the Globe and Mail, Eric Dahutschek and David Shoalts, Toronto Sun Steve Simmons, Toronto Star Damien Cox, the NFL reporter Pam Oliver, who I just love, was there laughing and smiling her beautiful smile. “Who is this guy?”  Says Ron McLean of Hockey Night in Canada, he is funny we got to get him on with Don Cherry.

Well let me tell you, the rest of the night, all we talked about, up in the press box, was Snowpants. He has the same birthday as Sammy Hager and he loves Tequila. Sure the glory guys, with their large contracts and their trophy wives are out there on the Kapusta Kow Palace floor playing a sport they love in front of fans that adore and love them, but man oh man, sometimes just sitting up in the press box, having a good chuckle and it is where you want to be.

Like Hollywood says, ‘There are no Pants like Snowpants like any pants I know’.

Get yourself a press pass and come on up and Heywood Jewblowmee.

By Harry Ballsonue

Snow Squalls: Hurricane, Mayday, Bearcat, Jingles, Rocky, Spinner and Snowpants

Sunny Sky’s; Cribz, Doc, Sparky, Matador, Razor, Lovie and Sunny

Stevo’s Sting Rays: Falcon, Zshabba, Hollywood, Junior, LaBamba, Chevy and Stevo

The Stevo Stingray’s ended up winning the night with 3 wins and a plus 5 on goal differential . The Falcon was first star, as is the case, in a mini tournament night, 3 stars are selected. The Falcon posted back to back shut outs and had only 3 goals scored against him all night. Razor was not too shabby either and Bearcat on his first night made some fantastic saves along with his best friend the goal post.

The Sunny Sky’s won three games and finished with a zero Goal differential.

The Snow Squalls, lost all of their games by one goal. ‘It was frustrating” stated Hurricane, “We just couldn’t score” Hurricane finished.

It looked to me like the perfect night, 3 goalies, two spares and one fun time. The first mini tournament of the season.

“I watched that first game and I thought the intensity was something else” indicated Junior, “It was fast paced and looked like a great game to be in” Junior added.

“I am always amazed how smooth everything is run with the Windsor Tomcats on Tuesday night, it seems seamless and the competitiveness is really good” Stated the Matador “even with the NHL Hockey Draft, it seems like it is silky smooth to me.” The Matador concluded.

Even though there were three stars selected, with Sunny being the third star, everyone played well…everyone participated fully and smiled when they scored and frowned when they were scored o,n there is a love for the game and you can see it on the faces of all the Tomcats.

The most popular Tomcat, Snowpants had this to say, “I love being a Tomcat, there really is no better bunch of guys, I look forward to Tuesday nights on Wednesday morning.” concluded Snowpants.

Hollywood then said. “There is no Snowpants like Snowpants, like anything I know”.

The NHL Draft was done and it looks like Stevo selected the best team and will win the Pool very easily, Crow looks like he will finish second with Lovie in third. You heard it hear first folks.

DON’T FORGET TO CHECK OUT THE NOVEMBER ISSUE OF THE ST. FELIX OUT NOW AT CORNER STORES WHERE FINE HOCKEY MAGAZINES ARE SOLD OR YOU CAN JUST GO ON THE LINK HERE ON THE WEB SITE (BELOW) AND CHECK IT OUT….I TOTALLY ENCOURAGE EVERYONE TO HAVE A LOOK AT THE LATEST ISSUE, IT IS ISSUE # 169.

I really enjoy covering the Tomcat Hockey games, as I get to put my Harry Ballsonue.

Updated! Click here to read the latest Saint Felix.

By Harry Ballsonue   

Team Black Cats: Cribz, Lovie, Snowpants, Shamus, Hurricane, The Rake, Jingle, Razor and Junior

Team White Hawks: Rocky, Spinner, Bulldog, The Turk, Sparky, Stevo, MayDay, The Falcon and LaBamba

With Doc not in the line up and visiting old girl friends in Victoria British Columbia there was no crazy ‘Tie Domi/John Kordic’ moments at the Kapusta Kow Palace. The Black Cats pulled off stunning victories 7-4 and 7-4 in both games. “I thought the hockey was very good” indicated the Rake, “Both teams played well and I made a superb pass to Hurricane, where he went top shelf on a very nice deek”. the Rake had said and added, “I know they thought I was shooting the ball, but I was making a pass, all the way”.

Outside the Kapusta Kow Palace a Tomcat Tent was set up in the parking lot, where sausages and hamburgers were being made with grilled onions and green peppers. “It is always great to see the Fan support”, indicated The Turk as he signed autographs for the fans before the game.

Jingles pulled off a super solid and brought 12 more beers than he was suppose to, that, my friends is what the Tomcat Spirit is all about.

After 3 long years in the Sault, MayDay made it out on his first night of hockey, “I was no Crispy out there, that is for sure, but give me a few weeks and I will be back in the groove” Mayday had stated.

LaBamba, a part time player got to play and did not disappoint the Coach and Managers with a pretty goal in the bottom left corner of the net.

Both goalies, once again boiling over due to the heat played very well, “Razor is already in mid season form, I am just getting into it now” indicated the Falcon.

The Hurricane notted four goals on the night and Shamus was red hot, with a red hot shot beating the Falcon for a couple of goals.

At the end of the night, just before I was going to go back up to the press box, Hollywood came on stage with a couple of pizza’s and garlic bread, the stage erupted with applause with Lovie saying, “I want to change my ‘Favorite Tomcat Moment’ to this moment”, as he bit into a pepperoni pizza looking at Hollywood all adoringly. Hollywood has been out with a lower body injury and is expected to be back next week.

Last week, I failed to mention Rocky sweeping the floors before hockey started and everyone pitching in, with putting up the boards and nets.

This week, thanks to those who put up the boards and take the boards down.  If you have never tried it, please do!

Tomcat NHL Hockey Pool is next week, so come prepared and bring your $11 Tomcats will supply an extra case of beer for the occasion.

I have to admit, I took a piece of pizza and a garlic stick, had a spiced rum and coke. Love to see you play some Tomcat Hockey eat some pizza with my Harry Ballsonue.

By Harry Ballsonue
TEAM WHITE HAWKS; Cribs, Lovie, Razor, Sunny, Soupy, Hurricane, Chevy, Doc, Snowpants and Sparky

TEAM BLACK CATS; Rake, Stevo, Crow, Spinner, Shamus, Rocky, Junior, Skippy and Yuri.

The season did start with a bang and a thump and a ball to the eye….It all involved Doc and his crazy way, when he crashed the crease and almost knocked poor Skippy unconscious. No penalty was called on the play.

Later in the game, Doc took a ball to the eye ball and went out of the game for a good 40 minutes.

The scores were 7-4 and 7-6 for the Black Cats.

In the second game, the White Hawks were up 5 to 2, but a fierce determined run by the Black Cats, had them score 4 unanswered goals to make it 6 to 5. Sunny came in and razzled, dazzled and then razzled some more and scored to tie it up. Then with a stroke of some luck Spinner was in front of the net as it hit Razor’s pad and bounced on to his stick. 7-6 for the Black Cats as they carried Spinner off the floor on their shoulders, shouting ‘Spinner, Spinner, Spinner”.

Honorable mention goes to both net minders, Razor and Skippy who did a splendid job on a very hot night at the Kapusta Kow.

Hockey costs only $40 dollars for the year and your first week is included in the price.

Rake and Spark provided beer tonight and Lovie gets ‘the big solid’ award, by brining a 40 banger of Wisers, ‘just because’..that is leadership my readers.

Tomcats provided 10 extra beers tonight and will do so as the year continues..if beer is needed.

Have you had a chance to read the September Issue of the St. Felix? I strongly suggest you do, as it is loaded with fun information on the Windsor Tomcats.

Till next time, keep your stick on the floor and go to the net and good things will happen as I put my Harry Ballsonue.

10. You’re feeling guilty for telling your significant other you have been going to hockey on Tuesday nights all summer long and you need to clear your conscience.

9. We can’t wait to hear the whining from the goalies when Stevo announces a mini-tournament is required since so many Tomcats show up on a Tuesday night.

8. Battle scars from being slammed against the wall by Shovey or getting a stick across the shins from Killer have all healed up.

7. It’s been 5 long months since hearing Stevo yell “Play the ball!”

6. Studio 4 is tired of seeing Junior 7 nights a week.

5. The burned in stench of Falcon’s equipment is finally dissipating from our noses so it’s time for a refresher.

4. The summer beer stockpiles are running low at home and you need to score some freebies.

3. After all the dancing videos, we need proof Sparky can still play hockey before returning his man card.

2. We can’t fathom going one more week without a weekly update from Heywood Jeblowme, Harry Ballsonue or Yuri Handsonmecac.

1. Hanging out on stage afterwards!

A four pager!

Updated! Click here to read the latest Saint Felix.

Please click on the Dates & Beer Schedule Tab at the top to see when you are responsible to bring a case for the boys.