Windsor Tomcats

By Harry Ballsonue

This week is the NHL Hall of Fame Week, it is also the
Hall of Fame Week in the National Ball Hockey League
and the Turk got presented with a special prize, as he
was the one that suggested that the guys from the office
get together and play at the Kapusta Kow Palace, 24
years ago.

We finally received a blog from an unknown source pretending to be Jingles.  We then received another anonymous blog from someone saying they were Spinner.  A little detective work from our Tomcat police officer friends indicates Spinner wrote the blog for Jingles, while Jingles wrote the blog for Spinner.  Go figure…Nonetheless, here are the final two summer blogs!

Spinner posing as Jingles:

Jingles here,  I’ve written this blog a dozen times already and never seem to be able to finish it.  Now that I’m on injured reserve, it’s time to put pen to paper and finish this bad boy.  My current ailment, an upper body injury, has made it difficult to hold a pen.  I have tried thrusting my trusty ballpoint it into every major orifice I have, ear – rectum – nostril – belly button, but nothing has the gripping power that I really need.

Let me start by saying that I miss all you guys, especially Hollywood.  Working 6 jobs: auxiliary policing, crossing guard, life guarding, male model, receptionist in my dad’s office and being an alter boy, BESIDES, going to school full time, has left me with very little energy to do anything exciting.  So, there’s nothing much to report here.  All I can say is, I look forward to returning to the Tomcat fold as soon as it is physically possible for me to dominate the way I always have in the past.

Remember, Play Hard and Stay Hard!

Jingles posing as Spinner:

My name is Spinner and I’m a winner, who hasn’t had time to write a blog,

I’ve been real busy, educating kids, in other words I’m working like a dog.

I’ve been teaching kids in Ghana, I met the Dali Lama, I’ve been reading to kids in Tibet,

Volunteered in Thailand, to carry bags of sand, I haven’t had any “me” time yet.

Now that I’m back in class, it’s time to get off my ass, the time is now for Double D to roar,

Spinners’ back in town, that’s what’s goin’ down, can’t wait to get back on the floor.

I’ve missed you all, and playing hockey with the ball, every Tuesday at Kapusta Kow,

I’ve done my blog in rap, cause I don’t give a crap, I’m back!…that’s all I have for now.

Fans have already noticed the daylight hours have shortened and players are beginning to comment the Kapusta is no longer the sweltering sauna it had been mere weeks earlier.  Trees are losing their leaves, and the ones left are dramatically bursting into hues reminiscent of another slumbering fall season.  With a lack of NHL hockey, Tomcats coffers are beginning to overflow with the fans packing the Kapusta to the max in their quest to watch quality hockey.  This past Tuesday they were not disappointed, and in fact fans were treated to the third consecutive mini tournament of the season with the three teams Captained, and lining up as follows:

Wearing Yellow and lead by Chevy were Sunny, Rocky, Soupy, Cribz and Razor backstopping

Wearing Black and Captained by Snowpants were Labamba, Bulldog, Sparky, Mez, Doc and Skippy in net

Last, wearing White marching behind Stevo were Hollywood, Yuri, Zaba, Hurricane and Falcon in net. 

Yeah, I did the same thing when I saw the conclusion of the picks; I quietly muttered “How was Chevy allowed to put together such a dynamic team?”  I mean talk about quality…I think Yellow had arguably most of the top goal scorers and defenders in the game.  I guess it will come as NO surprise Chevy and his Yellow squad ended with a 3-1-0 record and 13GF, 4GA, plus 9 and Razor turning in another ridiculous 1G.A.A performance, and in the process knotching 2 more shutouts.  Their only real close competitors; Snowpants and his pesky crew, who while starting off slow with back to back loses, ended the tourny on back to back wins; which were both shutout performances by Skippy. 

On paper, and even in some of Snowpants picks, the odds right out of the gate looked bleak.  Doc said it best when he commented, “We gotta be the workhorses, those blue collar gritty guys that grind out the wins – Let’s embrace being the underdogs!”  Those ‘underdogs’ went 2-2-0 with 6GF, 5GA and a plus 1.  Skippy nearly matched the play of Razor and ended with a 1.3GAA on the night. 

Falcon, and Stevo’s White squad unfortunately did not fair well at 1-3-0 with 3GF, 11GA and a minus 8.  Not a spectacular mini at all, Zchabba would later comment, “We just obviously couldn’t score, and to really have a chance in these timed tournaments you gotta post a score of 2 or more and have your goalie keep it under 2.  That doesn’t mean Stevo picked bad, or Falcon had an off night, teams win or lose as that – a team.”

And YES, I said timed games, being the Kapusta was graced by the fine workmanship of Sparky and his glorious Blue Clock creation.  Players already noticed there were some minor tweaks yet to be made, such as a Tomcats logo in both upper corners; which may have lead to the ensuing scramble to plaster the clock with sponsors.  The ‘offender’ was quickly reprimanded, and the hastily scrawled black marker advertisement was quickly erased.  Mercifully, it was able to be erased, as while the thought was genuine, it seemed to desecrate Sparky’s masterpiece; which is why I am giving him my pick as Platinum player of the game.  JOB WELL DONE SPARKY, players and fans for years to come will fondly remember your handy work.

Speaking of other colours, the three star selection: Gold, Silver and Bronze, went to Soupy, Razor and Skippy respectively. All well deserved, and a first ever featuring two goalie selections.  While you continue to look fondly at the changing colours outside your window, and continue to watch your favourite Tomcats players, I will quietly be in the stands looking for that special someone to put their HANDZONMECAC.

Yuri.

Bulldog notches the first goal on the scoreboard

Legend, lore and whispers heard in the night busily recount “facts” associated with the stereotypical serial killer; such as their stashes of trophies taken from past victims.  The Tomcats sport a quiet unassuming killer.  It’s been said he’s been watching in the shadows studying under the great Razor. Some say when he uses a certain brand of dish soap his hands drip the colour of blood red.  Others say the rings of past tournaments glory glow an eerie gold hue, and he’s constantly rubbing at the empty fingers missing their feel of victories.  Razor has a hand full of rings, one for each finger I’m told; and Falcon has been eying those fingers ever so quietly. 

Last night he collected another mini tournament win, combining with his team mates to post a  2-1-1 record (9 GF – 4GA PLUS 5) and notching two shut outs which helped him to an impressively miniscule 1.0 G.A.A on the night.  1.0 G.A.A- scary indeed, scary good!   I’ve said it in the past, the funny thing with mini tournaments is the spotlight either tends to be focused on the goaltenders or the captains who picked the teams.  With Beep getting his first nod at a Captains spot, everyone focused on the captains and teams selected.   

Backed by an impressive roster, and Skippy having an outstanding night, Beep only lost out on winning his first mini tournament by that pesky plus minus rule; which ultimately favoured Sunny’s Black Devils by a mere 3 goals.  The road to a near win was fraught with difficulties considering Beep’s squad lost 1-0 in their first game, and the second – a 1-1 tie required several looks under the replay booth hood by Cribz who reffed.   The delay was a spirited discussion as to whether Junior, now back in the fold playing as hard nosed as ever; actually kicked one in past an outstretched Razors pad.  I’m not sure, but just before the verdict came in of ‘GOAL’, I swear I heard Junior snarl, growl, swear and threaten to “smash shit.”  Hey, every team needs those hard-nosed players who are willing to dig in the corner and go where other players wouldn’t dare; which is a wonder why more calls don’t go against him. 

After that Beep rallied his squad and they riffled off back to back wins with Skippy ending the night on a high with his first ever mini tournament shut out.  When all the fans had left I caught up with Beep and asked him about Captaining in a mini and if, as a newer player he had difficulty lining up his team.  “Well I’m getting to know the boys better and better each week; and after I picked some players I knew by name I said screw it and took whatever players were left.”  Great hockey sense, the ability to notch high light reel goals and the ability to quietly lead, it was no surprise Beep got the first star nod; which by no means was a bone thrown to him as a result of coming so close to winning.

After the winners and stars were chosen, players discussed the apparent increase in what has been described as “chippy play”, and more specifically management clamped down on protecting their core of goaltenders by introducing new fines for “Captain hackey” players.  It’ll now set you back a cold 6 pack for hacking at the tenders, and the hacking on the floor will still rest with Stevo yelling out “PLAY THE BALL”.  

I love the fact management has predicted next week will feature another mini, and I love even more the captains who will select:  Snowpants, Shovey and Steve O; classy, all captains begin with an “S”.  I can’t wait to see if a mini does in fact break out what those team names are.  I’m also hopeful fans and players will see the unveiling of the long awaited new electronic scoreboard.

Until next week, I’m going to try and catch up with Phil Landerer and see if any of his collection of hot chicks want to be Pattyn MEGRYOIN.

Pattyn, filling in for Yurri.

The night: Devils night.
The time: Around 6:50(they are supposed to start at 6:30).
The event: The Official Devils Night Mini Tourney!
The captains: Soupy, Husky Eyes and first time ever captain for a mini, Beep!

Once the teams were picked everybody was ready to go.  Beep’s White Devils featured; Beep, Rocky, Snowpants, Junior, The Rake, Killer, and Zippy Skippy in between the pipes. Soupy’s Yellow Devils sported; Soupy, Cribz, Hurricane, The Doc, Yuri, lacing the pads was Razor, and making his seasonal debut last night with a gorgeous beard was Lovie. The night belonged to Sunny’s Black Devils, who were: Sunny, SteveO, Shovey, Hollywood, Sparkaroony, and wearing the equipment was the Falcon.

All three goalies played exceptionally well last night! It really could have been any team’s tournament.  The White Devils were tied for overall points.  The Rake was heard questioning “how did the Black Devils win exactly?”  Black was tied for points with White, but had a better +/- ratio.

Three stars as selected remotely by LaBamba were; Beep with the first star,    Snowpants number two, and Hollywood three (personally he looked like he ate three or four plates of food at an all you can eat buffet, running around with cramps last night).

At the press conferences after the game, it was announced “Moving forward, if you slash a goalie, you get a six pack fine.” Right away, Killer was overheard telling the Rake, and Chevy telling Snowpants, and Doc telling SteveO, something about one or two preemptive six packs in their lockers or vehicles to have on hand.  Everybody assumed that the Hurricane would bring in a keg every week for the amount that he slashes!  The decision came after a fair amount of chippy play that arises at these mini tournaments.  Remember, everybody has to go to work the next day and “you are supposed to have fun!”

Some interesting tidbits of information; Killer did his impersonation as Zorro, and pouched Sunny, and left a K impression on his unit.  Beep did not, in fact, look out of place not wearing his purple outfit!  A reminder was sent out to all, about the Christmas party, November 30^th.  Please let Sunny or Hollywood know ASAP if you are in, or out.  Snowpants, being his usual social butterfly self, was talking to a handful of Tomcats and was talking about holidays and such.  He went to throw out this question, “do you guys know what the best holiday is?”  Before anybody could answer Turk yells out “Superbowl!”

Speaking of the Turk.  He announced he will be launching a new nutritional meal/eating plan!  What is it called?…“Body by Turk.”  What is involved? “Not much, you maintain your regular diet but you add spam to everything!”  Spam shakes, Spam on a bun, grilled Spam, deviled Spam, Spam Jello, Spam skewers,  Spamburgers, pickled Spam, Cabbage rolls and Spam………..  The possibilities are endless.  While everybody is now thinking of the old Monty Python sketch. The Turk quickly added in “the best part is you never have to add salt!”  Apparently he has a huge deal with some infomercials, and the shopping network, also a couple of cookbooks.  The Turk is well on his way with his “Body by Turk“ diet!

Next weeks captains for the mini have already been chosen…they will be Snowpants, Shovey and SteveO.  Beep was also named Minister of Mini Tournaments, moving forward.  I really wanted to ask Shamus about how he felt about this, but nobody knows where he is?

Hold on to your girlfriends and wives!  Phil Landerer thanks you for reading!

Just like the engineers at Apple can’t seem to keep new products from being leaked, neither can the engineers of the new Tomcat Scoreboard/Clock.  Sources indicate a credible source has released the following video on YouTube which shows the yet-to-be unveiled masterpiece developed by Dr. I.M Sparky, Ph.d and his team of MIT graduates.  Rumor has it the clock will be gracing the Kapusta Kow floor very soon…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=asCFAmtVIHo

Click here to read the latest St. Felix.

It was a well fought battle to the end, on the Kapusta Kow Palace floor last night! Sitting in the press box, watching the amazing back and forth of hockey, rumour had it going around the sewing circle, it possibly was the longest game, up to the seven score, in Tomcat history!

Razor was “razor sharp” in his outing, playing in net for the White Lightning last night! On the other side of the floor for the Black Thunder, Bearcat was pouncing, and attacking every shot the Lightning was throwing at him!

The Black Thunder consisted of Stevo, Doc, Chico, Snowpants, Cribz, Sparky, Junior (yes Junior)!  The White Lightning had Hurricane, Shovey, Rocky, Soooouuuupppppy, Turk, Hollywood, and the Matador! The White Lightning were victorious in both games, with a 7-4 in the long game, and in a second, time determined game they won with a 4-1 final.

The thing about game one last night, with the score 0-0, sixteen scoreless minutes of hockey played, Hurricane had three points on the score sheet somehow? The statisticians were trying to figure how in the heck that happened!

Razor busted out his version of Wham’s “Careless Whisper.” Goose bumps perked up on everyone’s arms, and hair rose on the backs of their necks! “Whenever he croons a tune, I smile from ear to ear” said a happy Matador.  Doc was quoted saying, “My wife and I are thinking of bringing the Karaoke party out of retirement just so Razor can host the evening!”  Chico was overheard saying “I hope he sings I want your sex, I loooooove that song.”

And speaking of musical talents, in my recent travels, I noticed Cribz moonlighting as a trumpet player at the Kitchener/Waterloo Oktoberfest festivities.  When he plays his trumpet, all the lady’s hearts melt!  Take a look…

 Thanking you all for reading, and for having girlfriends and wives!

Phil Landerer!

So to be honest, I am not much of a blogger.  I like to play hockey, drink beer, make fun of Dave Hann (who by the way had about 75% of his facts incorrect on his blog), score a coupe of goals, go home and maybe get lucky.  But on occasion it would be nice to have strange hot girls touching my balls and having their picture taken…

Chevy

Apparently there is actually another person known as Rocky, and for some reason Philadelphia decided to make a statue of him.  To help bring notoriety to this other Rocky, the Tomcat Rocky agreed to pose next to the statue recently.  Rumor is that visits to the statue have increased significantly since.