Windsor Tomcats

Tuesday’s mini tourney was derailed by too many injuries(Hollywood’s Liz Frank, whoever the hell she is) and too many no-shows(Jingles thought it was more important to tap the Cornfest Fair Queen than show up for hockey.

Editors note, I just received the word from Stevo that this was acceptable as the girl is hotter than a two-dollar pistol, considers fellatio an art form and also loves anal. Well done Jingles!)

The Black Beauties sported the deadly and handsome as hell combo of Sunny and Beep. Their stellar moves on the floor are only surpassed by their filthy orchestral manoeuvres in the dark with the ladies… Also on the squad were Bill Kazmaier (the Rake), George Clooney (Cribz), Doc Holliday, Hammerhans (Chevy), the Most Coordinated man in the world, May Day (his stick tape actually matched his headband) and Anthony “Eddie and the Cruisers” Bulldog. This team was back stopped by Hurricane, who was game enough to step in and play goal. Hurricane was very good, despite the plethora of shots up around the head area.

The Pearly Whites were led by Gianluigi Falconi between the pipes. Though not his best performance, Mikey pulled it out when it mattered and showed he was ready to face the Skipjacks. Others included team captain Johnny Horsecock (Sparky), Don Rickles (Yuri), the Russian Rocket(Spinner), Brian Johnson (He who is really good at karaoke and panted in snow…um…pants…), Matador “Molson” Moulson, Lovie and GQ Smooth, aka Sammy Salakis.

Things were slightly disorganized initially without the Stevo-Hollywood connection around but Sparkalicious straightened us out with some good old fashioned yelling and the threat that he would “Hollywood” the new clock again…

The first period ended 4-4 after a spirited 30 minutes of wonderfully timed hockey. It was 13-9 after the second and the final was 15-11. There were no stars selected as there was no tourney. Labamba looked around sneakily, found that Stevo nor Hollywood were around and said “fuck it, I’m naming stars anyway. Third star was Spinner, who was unleashing wicked shots all night from a defensive position. There was some talk that some of these may have been slapshots, but taken over by the thought of these clappers counting as Tomcat goals on Sunday kept everyone quiet. Second star was his D partner, Yuri. He blocked more shots than Falcon as Matador claimed during the game and also chipped in offensively. First star of the night was clearly Soupy. Out of 15 white goals he had to score at least 17 of them said Lovie, obviously unaware there would be mathematics involved. “Sammy has softer hands than most of the pedophiles in prison” said Louis with a wink of the eye. He was dangling, toe dragging, nutmegging and snapping shots to every shelf.

After the hockey was done the boys stayed for a pool run by Hollywood. Due to the poor attendance the ante was doubled. Matador was laughing his ass off as he is the only one young enough to stay in touch with the NHL today.

Stevo drafted Jari Kurri and Hann went a step further, opting to select Marcel Pronovost in the third round. Sparky just drafted whomever was picked an average of 5 rounds ahead of where he was selecting. It was weird, but he was adamant that Crosby was available in the 7th round…

Get your rest gents and be ready for the Skipjack game on Sunday or Harry will get his hairy onion on you…Er…balls in you…dang it…

Bloggy Bloggerstein

By Dick Fitzwell – Hustler Magazine Sports Editor

CP: Stevo misses one night of hockey and the next thing you know, Sparky thinks he owns the team and changes the usual format of hockey to one continuous game.

“Don’t get me wrong. The hockey was fast and furious but after 25 years in and out of this lineup, I have never seen this format before”, said Mayday after the game.

Hurricane and the Falcon were stellar in net and if you didn’t look closely, Hurricane looked like an older version of Johnny Bower in his prime or a younger version of Turk Broda. The Falcon was lights out most of the night except for the two bank shots that fooled him.

For those wondering where Stevo was last night, he was making arrangements to travel to the Dominican Republic, first class. “I am going on a humanitarian mission next week. I will be handing out autographed Tomcat Jerseys and pictures of myself. Also, Snowpants asked me to do some recruiting for the Escort Service since the government kicked out all the Russian and Ukrainian chicks out of the country. Snowpants has had little success in recruiting university and college chicks”, said Stevo. I asked him why he was flying first class. “Because I can”, replied Stevo.

See Jenna’s exclusive interview with Snowpants and how he rocked Jenna’s world at Mic Mac Park.

It was nice to see Bulldog back in the lineup.  He spent the holidays running marathons in the North Pole and could not get back to Windsor/Essex County until just before game time because of dog sled delays.

Standouts last night were Beep, Sonny, Chevy, Cribz (ee) and the Rake for black while Soupy and the Matador were stellar for white. The Matador and Soupy were playing give and go all night. However, talk about not coming back.

“Coming back”, chortled Mayday.  “Are you fucking kidding me? Those two guys not only did not cross center to get to their end, I don’t even think they got back past the basketball foul line. I could have sworn I saw the Matador giving Hurricane Water”, added Mayday.

No controversial calls to report but has anybody told Dizzy, there are no slap shots?

I won’t end this article by placing my hands on your cock or putting my hairy balls on you but if you are ever in trouble, don’t call collect. See you next week.

Zchabba is trying to organize a weekend road trip to see an NHL game.  Here are the two possibilities.  We need feedback and to gauge interest.  Please consider and provide Zchabba with your thoughts ASAP so the planning can begin. 

The 2 options are…

Option 1

Saturday April 20, 2013 at 8:00pm….Pheonix at Chicago
We would take the train on Saturday at 6:51am from Dearborn and arrive in Chicago at 10:47 am. We would check into a hotel somewhere downtown, start drinking and then go to the game.  Tickets are hard to get for Blackhawks games and at this time they only have Standing Room only for $70 for that game. Or guys could just take a chance on buying tickets from scalpers near the arena. We would be leaving Chicago on Sunday at either 12:50pm or 6:00pm and be back in Dearborn at either 6:46pm or 11:50pm.

Costs : Train $90
             Tickets – unknown
              Hotel – approx $100 per person 

Pros : Chicago is a great party town and train trip could be a lot of fun
Cons : Chicago is expansive on weekends and terrible seats for the game

Option 2

Saturday April 27, 2013 at 7:00pm….Nashville at Columbus
We would leave early on Saturday. Bubbles can arrange for a 15 person van so we would only need 1 designated driver. Its only a 4 hour drive. We would check into a hotel. There are plenty of quality tickets available for this game for as little as $25. We would return the next day.

Costs : Van fuel
             Hotel – approx $75 per person
             Tickets – $25-$60

Pros : Short drive and freedom to leave and return at whatever hour we choose.            Columbus is a big time college town with many ladies.  A lot cheaper than Chicago
Cons : We would be watching Nashville vs Columbus

Who’s in and for which option?

Man In Charge: Sparky

Beer Bringers: Tomcats (24) Skippy (12)

Captains For Mini: Doc, Sparky and the Rake

Net Minders: Razor, Falcon, Hurricane

Out of the Line Up; Crow, Stevo, Rocky, Zchabba, LaBamba

Injured Reserve: Hollywood, Youngblood

In the Line Up: Rake, Sparky, Junior, Cribzie, The Turk, May Day, Lovie, Doc, Chevy, Spinner, Bulldog, Jingles, Sunny, Mez, Soupy, Killer, Snowpants, The Matador and Beep.

Skinny: Looks like another Mini…..if you cannot make it, please Let Stevo know, even though, he is not in the lineup, he will let Sparky know.

IF it will be a mini tournament for sure, then Chico, Willie and Crazy Joe (playing out) will get called up, so that they can get into tournament shape.

In Case you missed the teams for the Tournament

A: Chevy Sharks: Chevy, Beep, Rocky, Falcon, Sparky, Snowpants, Doc and Chico
B: Hollywood Hookers: Hollywood, Lovie, La Bamba, Matador, The Danish, Crazy Joe and the Hurricane
C: The Marauders (Returning Stanley;s Cup Champs): May Day, Crow, The Eagle, Jingles, Zchabba, Razor, Rake
D: Cribzie’s Crown Royals: Sunny, Stevo, Spinner, Junior, Willie, Skippy

Schedule: A vs. B
C vs. D
B vs. C
D vs. A
A vs. C
B vs. D
C vs. A
D vs. B

Tomcat Brain Trust working on the draft along with Junior Executive Adam Zcabbanovski, who is said to be a future NHLer himself.

NHL-Tomcat Hockey Draft…..goes this Tuesday …cost is $11.00. The draft will be conducted on stage after hockey. 48 games…shortened season….anyone can win!

Doc is reminding everyone that he is inviting all Tomcats to his house warming party on Saturday March 2. Donations will be taken at the door for the MS Society. Please see Doc for details.

Hollywood is reminding everyone that he is inviting all Tomcats to his 40^th Birthday Party, Saturday September 21. Please see Hollywood for details.

TOMCATS FOREVER!

By Harry Ballsonue

Yellow Jackets: Razor, Lovie, Soupy, Hurricane, Matador, La Bamba, Cribzie, Sparky and Chico
White Lightning: Falcon, Sunny, Stevo, Spinner, Jingles, Junior, Zabba, May Day and Rake
Black Demons: Crazy Joe, Beep, Chevy, Snow Pants, Killer, Rocky, The Turk and Willie

Very good Hockey, with the Yellow Jackets taking it. The three star selection, as selected by La Bamba: 3) Hurricane 2) Razor 1) The Matador. 

The three teams were selected by a computer assisted program called CANPLAY/KNOWHOW and it seemed pretty fair.

Crazy Joe makes Tomcat Goaltending Debut. First Period was shaky but, then he stepped it up.

In 1888, the Governor General of Canada was Lord Stanley of Preston. His children were big hockey fans. Lord Stanley became an enthusiast himself, after attending the Montreal Winter Carnival tournament. He noticed there was no distinction given to the best team in the country, so he purchased a big decorative bowl to use as a trophy. In 1893, the first Stanley Cup was awarded to the Montreal HC. The tradition continues in the National Hockey League today.

In 1991, The Turk brought out to the Tomcat Hockey Tournament Stanley’s Cup.  It has been repaired and added on to, but it was the Turk that set up the prize for the winner of the Tomcat Tournament, a Tournament that is played on the last Saturday in February every year…Thank you Turk!

2013 Tournament Hockey Draft occuirred January 15, Here are the teams:

C; The Marauders (Returning Stanley;s Cup Champs): May Day, Crow, The Eagle, Jingles, Zchabba, Razor, Rake
A;  Chevy Sharks: Chevy, Beep, Rocky, Falcon, Sparky, Snowpants, Doc and Chico
D: Cribzie’s Crown Royals: Sunny, Stevo, Spinner, Junior, Willie, Skippy
B; Hollywood Hookers: Hollywood, Lovie, La Bamba, Matador, The Danish, Crazy Joe and the Hurricane

IF Skippy is giving birth to his baby and cannot play, then Chico moves from the Sharks to the Crown Royals and plays goal.

THE LEGEND

So, a little bit of investigative journalism…I had the pleasure of going to the ‘Legend’s’ house this past week. The Legend and his dog Mika, live on 346 Acres of land that could easily be equated with that of Elvis’s Graceland. I got to sit with the Legend and talk to him about the Tomcat’s, Music, Love and his dog Mika, I plan to air the entire interview later this month on Tomcat T.V.

# 48, The Legend, pictured here, wearing his Brandford Bison’s Jersey.

ALSO…..Tomcats will hold a NHL Hockey Pool Draft on Tuesday January 22…..after hockey, so bring $11 for that….

Finally, Doc wants to invite all the Tomcats to a house warming party (4th annual) Saturday March 2. He will provide you with his address on stage, in the next few weeks. At the party, they (Jodi and Doc) will be asking for donations at the door to go to the local MS Society.

Hey, there were a lot of guys on the stage after hockey, did anyone notice I put my Harry Ballsonue.

Bringers of the Beer: Beep and Mez ( Mez dropped his 18, not just the 12 he was suppose to bring, but 18 last week, as he will not be there this week, now that’s a Tomcat!)

Net Minders: Razor, Falcon and with his Tomcat Goaltending Debut, Crazy Joe

In The Line Up: The Rake, Sparky, Junior, Rocky, Cribzie, The Turk, Hollywood, Chevy, Stevo, Spinner, JIngles, Lovie, Sunny, Beep, Soupy, Killer, Snowpants, Hurricane, May Day, Zchabba, La Bamba, The Matador
Part Timers Strutting Their Stuff Prior to Tournament Draft: Chico and Willie

Not In The Line Up: Crow, Doc, Skippy, Bulldog and Mez

Tournament Participants: Chico and Willie get an invite to the mini tournament…as management would like to give them a couple of nights before Feb. 23 and it would be good for the Captains (selecting) to see these two play.

Skinny: Well, we say this every week and just enough guys show up to play…so, once again, we have a Mini Tournament in play…let’s see if everyone shows up.

The Draft for the February 23 tournament goes after Hockey on Tuesday. You want to stick around on stage after and see what team you are on.

ALSO…..Tomcats will hold a NHL Hockey Pool Draft on Tuesday January 22…..after hockey, so bring $11 for that….

AND, Doc wants to invite all the Tomcats to a house warming party (4th annual) Saturday March 2. He will provide you with his address on stage, in the next few weeks. At the party, they (Jodi and Doc) will be asking for donations at the door to go to the local MS Society.

If you kinow you are not able to play, let Stevo know.

TOMCATS FOREVER!

Like a first date, I expected the action for the very first game of 2013 Tomcats season to be a slow start. Kind of like the awkward pretend stretch a teen would do in a movie theatre to sneak their arm around a date. Apparently the Black demons lead by the very dangerous trio of Shovey, Spinner and Lovie think a first date means getting to at least third base. For most of the game the Black Demons had the same play; set up one of the big three shooters at the point and let them simply chip away at the Falcon. It worked as they quickly were able to net 5 goals; but since the Tomcats have seemed to adopt timed games of 30 minutes verses the first team to score 7 goals, games have been more spirited in nature. I’ve watched close, and noted more than 1 player now creeps a look at the clock, probably trying to figure if there’s enough time left to mount a counter offensive and maybe just steal the game from the opponent.

The White Knights lead by Sunny, Snowpants and Stevo did make that first game interesting only losing 5-3. Despite the loss, they had the satisfaction of knowing they held the Black Demons to 0 goals over the last 11 timed minutes. That may have just been the spark they needed to win a very close 2-1 second game; of which featured the most hilarious lopsided corner battle seen in quite some time. Skippy – yes Skippy, whom at the very last minute was pulled to play out vs. his more comfortable net minding duties, found himself in a very tight corner fending off Shovey. When the dust settled, Skippy surprisingly had the advantage, of which Shovey would later remark, “Yup, I too was surprised, and it took all my good will not to simply make him part of the wall; call it my New Year’s resolution put to the test – trying to be less Shovey”.

As pointed out by Harry, in an 80 minute confirmed timed game (Remember the clock did go out in the third game), a mere 9 goals total were scored by the Black Demons. That means an average of 1 goal was scored every 8.8 minutes; a testament to Falcon’s goal tending, who despite a 1-2 record on the night played very well.

In terms of quotes, my favorite on the night came from Lovie, who upon the clock malfunctioning remarked, “O crap, what possibly do we do now, what ever did we do in the past to keep track of the score?”. Hilarious, and regarding the clock sources have indicated Sparky has taken his pride and joy back to Santa’s workshop where with the help of a sledge hammer it will be put back into service very quickly.

With the recent change up of the captains for the very popular tournament, only Cribzie missed the first night back and time will tell if that 1 single game will make a difference in whom is selected to his team. 1 prediction I boldly make is Beep going 1st pick overall. Speaking of other tournaments, the annual Tomcats vs. Skipjacks game for charity is fast approaching and Rocky has indicated the roster for the Tomcats is pretty much set. That news was a bit of a surprise to Bubbles, whom I had a chance run in with while on vacation. After filling in Bubbles on hockey news, he remarked he was not aware of the two teams tournament and may be looking to secure himself a spot. I figure it might be because he has already commented he will be missing this year’s tournament, and simply wants to play in a tournament style game format. Regardless, with the New Year I expect other minor tweaks to the Tomcats roster, which may include more net time for the Danish; who has been pressed into service to fill in for an injured Bearcat at the Tomcats tourney. Place your bets now and draw up your own fantasy team, actual picks take place this Tuesday. And while the picks are being made, I will be waiting for a lucky Tomcat to place their HANDZONMECAC.

Yurri

By Harry Ballsonue

White Knights: May Day, Hurricane, Stevo, Falcon, Skippy, Snowpants, The Matador, Sunny and Killer

Black Demons: Lovie, Spinner, Chevy, Soupy, Mez, Hollywood, Razor, Doc and Sparky

Black Demons take it, 5-3, 1-2, 3-2.

The International Space Station (ISS) orbits the Earth at nearly 22 times the speed of sound, fast enough to get it from Vancouver to St. John’s N.L. in under 15 minutes. Not much different on the Kapusta Kow floor as it seemed no one celebrated Christmas and instead just worked out and played hockey. Both Falcon and Razor had stellar games, with Falcon flashing the leather on a number of occasions and the hockey was fast and furious!

Soupy made the teams. It was the first time for Soupy to make teams and he did a super job. “I was a bit nervous at first, but I did what I could. I know there is a formula and I need to work on it.  I think I will even do better next week” A smiling Soupy said. Total goals were 9 for Black and 6 for White, so pretty close if you ask this writer.

A good brand of hockey was played with fair play all around, no pushing, hacking or wacking.

May Day made his season debut and was whistling the shots at the opponents net. “Great to see May Day Back, “indicated Snowpants, who is May Day’s roommate on road games, “we got to be on the same team today and he gave me some sweet passes, nice to have him back” Snowpants concluded.

Next week the draft goes after hockey, for the February tournament.

NEW CAPTAINS:

With Bearcat on the I R and with his prognosis too close to call come tournament time, The Danish will replace him as a net minder come tournament time. The League, therefore has also decided to make three new Captains, keeping May Day the Captain of his defending Championship Marauders and adding Cribzie, Hollywood and Chevy, whilst pulling  goalies Skippy and Falcon as Captains for this year. “I did not feel confident enough in the drafting abilities of The Danish to make him a Captain, so we are going with three new Captains, Cribzie, Hollywood and Chevy, the goalies will have their chance as Captains in years to come”. stated Commission Rex Albert.

The order of the draft was determined on Tuesday January 8, May Day keeps his first pick of course, but all his players are returning. Second pick goes to Chevy (wearing Yellow) Third pick as selected by Skippy for Cribz (wearing white) and the Hollywood Hookers select fourth wearing black.

PLAYERS IN THE TOURNAMENT; LATEST
Hurricane, Sparky, Cribzie, Sunny, Rake, Eagle, Stevo, Beep, Willie, Snowpants, Chevy, Chico,. Bulldog, Spinner, Rocky, Junior, Lovie, La Bamba, Zchabba, Doc, The Matador, Hollywood,, Razor, Skippy, Falcon, Crow, Jingles, May Day, Crazy Joe, The Danish  

PLAYERS WHO HAVE DECLINED THE OFFER TO PLAY:
Fuzzy, Crispy, The Turk, Soupy, Killer, Bearcat., Bubbles and Mez.

PLAYERS WE HAVE NOT HEARD FROM:
Youngblood

NHL HOCKEY POOL

Tomcat NHL Hockey Pool will go Tuesday, January 22 right after hockey.  $11.00 is the cost.

SEPTEMBER 21 BIRTHDAY PARTY

Hollywood is inviting all Tomcats to his 40th Birthday Party, Saturday September 21.

SUNNY SHORTS

Sunny is taking last minute orders for Shorts, see him or you will be disappointed!

IN ENDING

There was a problem with the Sparky Clock tonight but, technicians were working on it and plan to have it all repaired for next Tuesday.

As the clock counts down, 5-4-3-2-1…can I put my Harry Ballsonue?

The second half of the season starts tonight!  Catch May Day’s return into the lineup, along with fan favorites Snowpants, Lovie and The Matador.

The Beer Bringers: LaBamba (initiation Case) Zabba (24)

Net Minders: Razor, Falcon and Skippy

Not in Line Up (That we know): The Turk, Mez, Crow, Rocky

Uncertain of in the line up: Lovie, La Bamba, May Day

Injured Reserve: Youngblood

In The Line Up: Rake, Sparky, Junior, Cribzie, Hollywood, Doc, Chevy, Stevo, Spinner, Jingles, Sunny, Beep, Soupy, Killer, Snowpants, Hurricane, Bulldog, Zcabba, the Matador.

The Skinny: 23 players that we know are to play (that includes the 3 net minders) however….that does not include Lovie, (Child Care??) La Bamba (Travel??) and May Day (Clearing Waivers??).

But here is the Dealio, We need you to read this little segment and let Stevo know if there are any errors. If we have you in as playing then don’t worry your pretty little head.

Tomcat Christmas Present still to be given to: Chevy, Hurricane, Bulldog, Bearcat, Junior, May Day, La Bamba, Youngblood.

Tomcats Wish You and Yours: Tomcats wish you the best in 2013 and can’t emphasize the importance of fair play so no injuries occur and that we can all golf together in June with no one in a cast.

TOMCATS FOREVER!

By Harry Ballsonue

Here is the list of guys that we know are playing in the tournament….Hurricane, Sparky, Cribzie, Sunny, Rake, The Eagle, Stevo, Beep, Willie, Snowpants, Chevy, Bulldog, Spinner, Rocky, Junior, Lovie, La Bamba, Zchabba, Doc, the Matador, Hollywood, Razor, Skippy, Falcon, Crow, Chico, Jingles, May Day.  If your name is Here and you are not playing, then you should let Stevo know right away!

Waiting to hear about/from: Bearcat, Mez, Youngblood.

Have sent their regrets: Fuzzy, Crispy, The Turk, Soupy, Bubbles and Killer.

Right now, as it stands, we have three goalies, and a total of 28 players. That works out to: 2 teams have seven and one team with 6. It is noted that the Belle River Mauraders had 8 players last year and will keep their 8 players this year.  If Bearcat comes in the fold, that increases the players to 29, giving all three teams 7.  If Mez say yes to play, that will give one team  8 players and two teams will  have 7, unless someone is show cased.  BUT, if Skippy has a baby and cannot play, and if Mez wants in, then Chico will go in net and three new Captains will be selected, and May Day would stay Captain of his team…Chico cannot be a Captain as he does not know the players. It has to be fair for everyone.

Another Option would be to have The Danish to play in Net and Chico would play out, Goalies once again could not be Captains as the Danish is not as familiar with the players as Razor or The Falcon. (The Danish has indicated that he is willing to play and is available if Skippy goes into labour and or Bearcat is unable to play due to injury).

Crazy Joe is a goalie and could be utilized, but he is on his honeymoon.

Captains could be Rocky, Cribzie and Stevo, a very good showing (Captaining-Wise) by all three at the Christmas Mini Tournament.

The Deadline is January 22.  That is only 19 days away, will go with what we have and if one team is short, then so be it.

We have guys who can play in net and we have enough for a tournament, just not sure if it will be 8-7-7-6 players or 8-7-7-8. 

Stay tuned.

If you do not have a headache after reading the above, consider reading on……..

I have it on good authority that the Tomcats are looking at bringing back May Day.  He is at a Double A team in Las Vega, getting ready and the Tomcats have slotted him in for January 8 as the day they want to insert him into the line-up. You will recall that they traded for his rights from the Sault Ste. Marie Bassett Hounds.

Hockey starts rolling again January 8, right now, only Crow, La Bamba, The Turk and Mez are not able to make it. If you know you are unable to make it out on the first night of 2013, then you are suppose to get a hold of Stevo.

The Windsor Tomcats would like to wish the entire Tomcat family a Happy New Year! Enjoy the festivities and make sure you have a DD. 2012 was a great year…first Tilston Cup game, successful 2012 tournament, the Outdoor Classic, the introduction of the Sparky Clock, inagural Christmas party with wives/girlfriends, etc. Here’s to an even better 2013!

See everyone at the Kapusta next Tuesday!