Windsor Tomcats

Well, he’s at it again. I was at Chuck’s house for dinner the other night, I didn’t recognize the person we were eating, and after a dozen or so forty ouncers, he started to open up with some true facts about his life. This is the REAL Chuck Norris and it’s all true.
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Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with his ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.

When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris.

There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck’s gas tank as a joke….that truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as giraffes.

The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into production. No one would pay $9 to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris filmed the making of the first camera.

Chuck Norris built the hospital in which he was born

Chuck Norris can speak Japanese… in French.

Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris jumped off a building once. The ground didn’t make it.

When Chuck Norris is about to cross the street, the light changes from DON’T WALK to TAKE YOUR TIME.

The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.

Chuck Norris special orders his pencils without erasers because Chuck Norris doesn’t make mistakes.

In high school, teachers had to raise their hand to speak to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can hear sign language.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

When the president pushes the big red button Chuck Norris’ cell phone rings.

Chuck Norris was supposed to star in the tv show ‘Man v. Wild’, but the network did not want kids thinking ‘lave is safe to eat.’

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

Chuck Norris once won an underwater breathing contest … with a fish.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just not his own.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.

The Turk finds a tutorial to help the younger, unattached Tomcats find the right lady…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKWmFWRVLlU

The Tomcats have become a member of the mile-high club…sort of.

Back on July 18th, Rocky, Roxy (his wife) and the Rockettes (2 daughters) were heading off to Calgary for a little Rocky Mountain adventure. While boarding the 737 at Windsor’s airport, Rocky and his family gave a wave up to the tower where Doc was manning the airfield. What’s better than a friendly send off from a fellow Tomcat to start a vacation?

Three hours later, as the airliner started to approach the Calgary area, the pilot came on…

“From the flight deck, this is your captain. We are preparing to make our descent into Calgary. Looks like mostly sunny skies, about 24 degrees and a slight wind coming from the West. As well, we have a message from the tower back in Windsor. We would like to welcome on board, from the Windsor Tomcats, Rocky and his family. We hope they have a great time in Calgary. Tomcats Forever!”

The passengers looked around to see who Rocky was and it became obvious since his wife and daughters started cheering and pointed Rocky out.

Sorry to say that Rocky did not attempt to get a rendition of the “Tomcats Forever” song going, but you know if Stevo had been on the plane, children would have had to cover their ears.

When asked if this really took place, Rocky indicated, “Yes, Doc had the pilot send us a shout out…a great way to start a vacation.  Awesome gesture made by an awesome Tomcat – thanks Doc!”

Filling in for Harry, I’m Howie Feltersnatch

Click here to read the latest St. Felix.

Stallone, Schwarzenneger, Willis, Statham, Eastwood, The Rock. Who is the greatest action star of all-time?  I’ve got 3 words for ya … CHUCK FREAKIN’ NORRIS!  How tough is Chuck? Here are just a few Chuck Norris facts:

Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.

Death once had a near Chuck Norris experience.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life.

Chuck Norris once got bit by a rattlesnake…..after three days of agonizing pain…the rattlesnake died.

Chuck Norris can start a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.

Chuck Norris made a Happy Meal cry.

Some people wear Superman pyjamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pyjamas.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was one problem … it wouldn’t take shit from anyone.

Chuck Norris is the only man to punch a cyclops between the eyes.

Chuck Norris once played who will blink first with a mirror, and won.

Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil.

Chuck Norris does not have hair on his testicles because hair does not grow on steel.

Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. That same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King and got one.

Some people piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Chuck Norris once ate a 10 pound steak in an hour. He spent the first 55 minutes banging the waitress.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass …. at night.

The phrase ‘dead ringer’ refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.

There are no such things as tornadoes. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn’t kill women.

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a “Who has more testicles” contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

Stay tuned for more from The Razor!!

Click here to read the latest St. Felix.

A beautiful day and a beautiful bride make for a beautiful wedding, and that is what took place for Soupy and Serta on the 7th of June. The sun was shining and the bride and groom were beaming with nervousness and happiness. The crowd gathered inside of St. Mary’s church in Maidstone, a lovely church that many years ago saw the marriage of Serta’s Mother and Father. The pews were filled with anxious friends and family and 6 rows back on the right hand side sat the Tomcat and Minx crew, looking dapper and lovely and ready for the days events.

When the ceremony ended we said goodbye to single Serta and said hello to Mrs. Soupy. No longer will Natalie be named after a horizontal piece of furniture meant for rest or fun extra curricular activities; and no longer will Soupy have rest or have an abundance of extra curricular activities…..they have now entered marriage bliss (AKA The End).

The reception started off with a bang; literally…..Doc, Chico and Lovie ran to the bar so fast when they arrived that they smacked right into it. Drinks in hand the crowd geared up for an amazing meal and then settled in to speeches. Although lovely and heartfelt, you could spy many table dancers (Beeps and Mrs Beeps) in the room as the dance music from the adjoining wedding spun up roughly 1hour before the party kicked off at the Salaris wedding. Sunny did a great job as MC and to the surprise of the Tomcats and Minx (and blank stares from the rest of the room), Soupy mentioned the Tomcats and Minx in his speech. This warm gesture almost took a sour turn when it looked like “Tomcats Forever” might be sung at the mic……can you imagine!!!

Soon after (.0001 seconds) in full racer stance, Schneider, The Cleaver, Kamikaze, Mrs. Kamikaze, Hollywood and Mrs. Hollywood leaped to the open bar; where newcomer Snowpants was handsomely waiting, in anticipation for the hilarity’s that ensued. The photographer that set up for the evening to capture wonderful memories for the newly married couple was hijacked for a better portion of the night to take semi-pornographic pics of the Tomcat and Minx crowd. Less than impressed but getting paid by the hour, the photographer took a myriad of shots that will probably never see the light of day (or the dark of a dark room).

After the DJ played the “Chicken Dance”, Schneider and The Cleaver thought it best to have a word with the disc jokey and get the party started. As the song “SHOTS” rang out across the elegantly decorated room at the Center for the Arts…..the party began!

It was a spectacular day and one for the Tomcats and Minx history books. The coming together of two great people to make one awesome team……

Congratulations Soupy and Mrs Soupy, may your journey together be full of joy, ball hockey and volleyball mixers!!! Love you guys.

By Harry Ballsonue

The Tomcat NHL Hockey play off pool is over and Lovie is crowned the champ. Interestingly enough, Crow, who won the regular season pool, comes in 3^rd in the Play Off Pool, if the Tomcats are looking for a future scout and or possible General Manager, they may not need to look further then in their own back yard and select Crow.

Lovie wins $100, Kamikaze wins $40 and Crow for third place wins $10. Congratulations guys, good picking!

Here is how it all shook out in the end:  (With a quote from each Player)

Lovie 162 points  “Thank You Boys, Thank you LA”

Kamikaze 118 points “I told you Montreal and Chicago would do well”

Crow 116 points “Damn that Kamikaze, 3 points and I would have been in the bigger money.”

Tunes  89 “I was happy to participate….wait till next year’s regular season pool.”

Sparky 86 “I think this is the best I have ever done, 6^th place, I’ll take it!”

Sea Lion 83 “I had first pick, the pick you need in this thing is in the middle somewhere.”

Chico 74  “I wanted to pick more goalies, but they would not let me.”

Matador 73 “Hey I picked Boston, Montreal, Chicago, Dallas, I had it all spread out….”

Sheep Dog 57 “If only Ben Bishop had played, things would have been much different.”

Cribzie 53 “I don’t know where I went wrong….”

La Bamba 52 “I had 4 St Louis Blues and I had 4 Pittsburgh Penguins, I thought I was winning the whole thing”

Hurricane 43 “This is the worst I have ever done, ever, ever…I can’t believe it, I’m down, I’m depressed, I’m in for next year!”

Jingles 38 “I can’t believe the Red Wings did not win the Cup….something is wrong here.”

Stevo 26 “With no Leafs, I had no idea what to do…next year! You wait and see, next year, I will get some Leafs…next year!”

Congrats to the winners and to the losers, if you had not participated then you would not have had any fun. Is there anything more fun than sitting on stage in the 4^th round and saying “hey, is Crosby taken”.

Tomcats will run the regular season pool next year as well…get your $11 ready.

Hey, Whilst you are checking out the stats for the regular season pool, do you think I can put my Harry Ballsonue.

Coming up…an update rgarding Soupy’s recent nuptuals!

By Harry Ballsonue

Beautiful weather, beautiful course, beautiful people, thats what you get when you go to the Tomcat Golf Outing. Alumni Tomcat Crispy took the tournament with a smooth 77, runner up went to Razor, at 78. The ‘Mosts Honest Golfer’ went to Jingles who shot a crusty 114.

“Great day out there today”, indicated Crispy, “great to be back out and seeing the boys” Concluded Crispy. Fantastic for the fans to see Crispy, Bucko, Fuzzy and Finner in the tournament. “We had a great time”, stated Finner.

29 golfers played this year and that was a recored as for the number of golfers, Snowpants did a fantastic job organizing the event, “Lots of credit goes out to Snowpants,” stated May Day, and then added, “He puts in an incredible amount of effort, and it is very appreciated” May Day concluded.

Snowpants was presented with a box of Titleist Golf balls for his efforts.

Thanks also goes out to the prize donators, Chevy, The Rake and Snowpants.

“I’m not sure what golfing in heaven is like, but I would think it would be similar to the conditions that we had today, sunny, no humidity, 75 degrees but maybe no wind….it was a bit windy out there today.

Other prizes went to Closest to the pin, Killer on one hole and Sheep Dog on another and the longest drive went to Fuzzy. Congrats to those fine golfers.

Many laughs were had at Hollywood’s after for the post golf party. I was not allowed into the palatial palace of Hollywood’s, in La Salle, but I was told (by text) that some chuckles were out there but the Tomcat would not tell him who the laughter was all about.

Snowpants, did also want to thank Lady Di and Hollywood for hosting the party, yet once again.  “We really appreciate them doing this for us, the food was a smash hit with everyone, Hollywood and Lady Di do such a fantastic job.” Special thnaks also to The Rake for taking part in preparing the food for the boys as well!

A special guest appearance at the party, if you missed it was Hollywood’s and Stevo’s Mom, Vera. She did not make any speeches or anything, but was there to meet and greet the Tomcats.

Once again, for the 16th year in a row, a fantastic time was had by all, and the balls were smashed down the fairway…the food was a smash hit with everyone and some of the Tomcats, were a bit smashed too. No one drove him smashed…..the Tomcats had D.D.’s for fun loving.

Hey, whilst you go back for more of the Sovlaki  night in Canada, can I put my Harry Ballsonue.

Is your brain in 1st Gear or Neutral???

1st QUESTION:

YOU ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE. YOU OVERTAKE THE SECOND PERSON, WHAT POSITION ARE YOU IN?

ANSWER : IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU’RE FIRST, THEN YOU’RE ABSOLUTELY WRONG! IF YOU OVERTAKE THE SECOND PERSON AND YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU’RE IN SECOND PLACE!TRY TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME. NOW ANSWER THE SECOND QUESTION, BUT DON’T TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS YOU TOOK FOR THE FIRST QUESTION.

2nd QUESTION: IF YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, THEN YOU’RE….?

ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU’RE SECOND TO LAST, THEN YOU’RE …….. WRONG AGAIN. TELL ME SUNSHINE, HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON?? YOU’RE NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS, ARE YOU?

3rd QUESTION: VERY TRICKY ARITHMETIC! THIS MUST BE DONE IN YOUR HEAD ONLY. DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR. TRY IT.

ANSWER: TAKE 1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000 NOW ADD 30. ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 20. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 10. WHAT IS THE TOTAL? DID YOU GET 5000? THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY 4100. IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE IT, CHECK IT WITH A CALCULATOR! TODAY IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT?

4th QUESTION:  MARY’S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS: 1. NANA, 2. NENE, 3… NINI, 4. NONO, AND ??? WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH DAUGHTER?

DID YOU ANSWER NUNU? NO! OF COURSE IT ISN’T. HER NAME IS MARY! READ THE QUESTION AGAIN!

OKAY, NOW THE BONUS ROUND, A FINAL CHANCE TO REDEEM YOURSELF. A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A TOOTHBRUSH. BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE SUCCESSFULLY EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE PURCHASE IS DONE. NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS?

ANSWER: IT’S REALLY VERY SIMPLE HE OPENS HIS MOUTH AND ASKS FOR IT… DOES YOUR EMPLOYER ACTUALLY PAY YOU TO THINK?? IF SO DO NOT LET THEM SEE YOUR ANSWERS FOR THIS TEST!

(NO TOMCATS WERE INJURED IN THE CREATION OF THIS TEST)

One word can describe the Minx vs Tomcats Volleyball game and after party…..SPIKED!!!

From the epic Spike failures of KAMIKAZE on the volleyball court to the Spiked drink successes at DOC and The CLEAVERs Pool party!!

With a 3 game series the Minx were defeated by the Tomcats but not for lack of effort; especially on the part of JAZZY JAZZ, holding her MVP status again this year.

Windsor Minx…the weather wasn’t the only hot thing on the day!

The Minx take time out from their Maxim photo shoot to pose for the Tomcat press!

What a great turnout and the weather couldn’t have been any better. Apparently it wasn’t hot enough to detour the man-love between CROW and STEVO, as they were seen in the Hot tub alone together on many occasions throughout the evening.

ROCKY and ROXY were in great form, on and off the court…..what gym do these two belong to because I think we all need to join for next years game!!

A big thank you goes out to CROW and The CLEAVER for saving SNOWPANTS life in the pool. Apparently his drinks were Spiked too much and his natural swimming ability was lost at around midnight. CROW pulled him out and The CLEAVER banished him to sit on the pool stairs for the rest of the evening (such a Mom move)!!

Nice to see some new faces at the game and in the pool (BECK and KAT), although I think KAT’s face was probably the last thing all the Tomcats were looking at!!! DOC and CHICO enjoyed throwing KAT in the air while SCHNEIDER made sure to support her tushy, quite a scene!! With the new addition of Minx Jody this year…the teams Jodi-Factor was doubled, awesome!!

The Tomcats showing they can look good on the sand court…If you think Doc is hot in a Minx shirt, you should have seen the Minx who took of hers to give to Doc…had to be there I guess!

Somebody needs to tell SHEEP DOG to never wear white shorts to a pool party……they were not opaque very long!! Opps…

BEEP made it out but had to leave early to drive to Toronto….boo!! SOUPY made it out solo this year, leaving all the last minute wedding preparations to his way better-half SERTA, another epic celebration coming our way next weekend!!

Thank you to everyone who participated and the planning is already underway for next years event!!

If your better-half wants to become a Minx please have them contact The CLEAVER at jodiburniston@hotmail.com

The whole gang…another terrific Tomcat/Minx event in the books.

With the BoD meeting in the rear view mirror, the Tomcats found another reason to get together and drink.  Great turnout for Soupy’s bachelor party last Friday.  Tomcats both young and old, new comers and wiley veterans, came out to have some drinks with the boys and see Soupy off into marital bliss.  Besides flirting with all the ladies at the Bull and Barrel, a few brave Tomcats also flirted with danger by taking on the mechanical bull…including the man of the evening himself…

The highlight of the night was the young waitress looking to get tabs paid and asked one of the Tomcats, “where is the short old guy wearing a brown coat?”

The festivities concluded at Uncle Leo’s place where several Tomcats took in the sights and sounds in true Windsor fashion.

What’s Next?

Tomcat vs Minx volleyball this Saturday with after party at Doc and Jodi’s place.  Bring your swimwear and make sure to double knot ladies!

Tomcat Golf Tournament – June 13 with after party at Hollywood’s.  32 golfers…largest tournament ever!

Tomcat Bottle Opener Dog Tags – Remember to wear your tag while you travel and get a picture of you (or preferably a cute lady) wearing the tag in some location outside of Windsor.

Till next time,

Howie Feltersnatch