It is ALL in the WORDS

Posted by Youngblood on January 17, 2011
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(Lower hairy region assoc press):

Having media credentials – even if they are forged, does have its advantages, like being able to write about a team I love – the Tomcats. I just received a correspondence from the President of the journalism associated press of Canada regarding a recent story I had uncovered. After reading it, I went to the Tomcats website (Which should be on everyones favourite list), and saw a recent article by the Commish. It challenged my last article regarding KOWALCZYKOWSKI playing in the upcoming tournament. All I can say is that it is All TRUE – I did in fact speak with Derek KOWALCZYKOWSKI, who indicated he would play in the upcoming tournament. Mind you when I say play – people expect a little too much. What was said – without the permission to repeat, I dont even know if KOWALCZYKOWSKI thought he was being interviewed – he was after all so engrossed in those fat chicks at the gym. Anyway – I got the scoop of the century – KOWALCZYKOWSKI was going to play. When I asked him about the tournament it brought a big smile to his face and he described what playing in the tournament meant. KOWALCZYKOWSKI described his playing time as stepping out on the floor – in his players uniform (And maybe some equipement). Once he stepped on the floor – maybe he will wave to the fans, take a bow, wave the stick around like the champion scorers of old – and leave quietly. A great way to go into retirement – a players last taste of playing glory – before being forced to retire due to a injury. A great way to go out – step on that floor – feel the playing surface for one last time, and hold the stick in a last stand before all the fans – as a PLAYER – What a story!!! – It brought a lump to my throat – and it may just be the fire the Polka kings need to repeat as champs. The Polka Kings have a secret weapon in their corner this year – KOWALCZYKOWSKI likely retiring from the game – and I bet, against those 3-1 Vegas odds – the Polka Kings play with a certain fire. The Polka Kings are playing to win one last championship for KOWALCZYKOWSKI – That will make them a very dangerous team. So Commish – unlike the last story that had poor Skippy suiting up, due to a unfounded tip – this one is legit – its just ALL IN THE WORDS – play does not mean minutes, running, or even participating in the actual game. KOWALCZYKOWSKI play is just for one man to go out in style. I hope KOWALCZYKOWSKI does step onto the floor – and the fans get up and give a great guy a standing O, what a way to retire!!!

I quess I will keep up with the tips folks, cause to get the journalism press involved, and a response from the Commish – I think it really means the fans are reading all the correspondence from all the Tomcat press corps- Including Harry BALLSONUE, Heywood JEWBLOWMEE, and myself – Yuri HANZONMECACAC. I quess this internet thing has really taken off for the Tomcats – and breaking news can indeed happen at anytime – anywhere – stay tuned for those tips, and game recaps from your favourite press guys.

Yuri

Tomcats Fuming at Bunko Artist Yuri Hands

Posted by Youngblood on January 10, 2011
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…by Harry Ballsonue 

Tomcats President and Chief Operating Officer, Stefan E. Jaworiwsky prides himself on accurate information being distributed throughout the Tomcat organization. “Communication is the international solvent”, Jaworiwsky says, as his face turns red, “Then I see some hack, some bunko artist, write an article on the Tomcat website about Darek Kowalczykowski playing in the tournament, that is false.  The head line is wrong, he is not planning on playing”. Jaworiwsky continues to talk  to me, in his plush office located on the South East corner of the Kapusta Kow Palace overlooking the Detroit River,  he motions to me, with his pointer finger, to wait one moment as he gets his assistant on the line, ‘Amanda get me our lawyers on the line, this guy must be stopped, who is this hockey hater, Yuri Hanzon on something or rather, MS. Howell, call the Police, we need to make sure this guy does not get on the property ever again’.

Jaworiwsky then smiles at me, takes a sip of his Perrier water and whispers to me, “Sorry you had to see that, but this so called web writer, first writes a false story about a mini tournament to be played December 21, he gets some poor naïve kid, Skippy Renaud to get dressed in goaltending equipment, the poor kid, gets on the Kapusta Kow floor and has to be told, he is not playing goalie, that the article was incorrectly written”. Jaworiwsky pauses, then continues, “This is total nonsense, this Yuri Hansonmy whatever, sounds like a made up name too, total nonsense, this guy needs to get his typing fingers broken”. Jaworiwsky concludes.

I’m ushered out of his office, as the Police arrive and so does the President of the Journalism Association of Canada. I am not privy to that conversation, but, both the Cop and the Journalism President did not look impressed with my so called fellow journalist.

So, just so you know, Darek Kowalzyckowski is not playing in the tournament and I am following up a lead on the Chris Girard story, I am told that Girard is to make a decision on whether or not he plans to play in the tournament in the next day or so.  I will keep you posted.

Yuri was right about only one thing, Fat Bottom Girls, do really make the rock and roll world go round.

Hockey starts up on January 18, 2011, I am told it is a 6:30 start!  Where is that precious little forehead of yours, I can’t wait to put my Harry Ballsonue

ZSCAHBBA TO PLAY!!!

Posted by Youngblood on January 10, 2011
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(Harry lower region pres):
 
Breaking news Tomcat fans – and unlike the last tip I received regarding a 2010 final tournament type game being played – this one is legit.  I was scoping out the local gyms looking to see if I could find any Tomcat players preparing for the new season. 

Low and behold I found ZSCAHBBA – mind you he was just wandering thru (I think he was checking out the fat chicks), but he did stop after I hooked him up with one (Cause like the Commish says – Fat girls make the world go round babby!!!) – and he actually spoke with me! CRAZY!!!. 

When I brought up the upcoming tournament Derek indicated his knee was still in bad shape – Bad enough to possibly retire for good (What a loss to the organization).  I knew he was serious when he indicated he was even going to have to give up his soccer season.  Tomcat fans will be crushed, but will see ZSCAHBBA tournament time.  ZSCAHBBA indicated he will step out on the floor briefly – in effect making him a player – then scoot off for the remainder – and celebrate another Polka king win.  At press time bookies have it 3-1 for the team to repeat – but I just could not burst his bubble.   SO fans look to see ZSCAHBBA perhaps for the last time as a player at the tournament.
 
Till the next breaking news – Yuri HANZONMECACAK (Again)
 
 

Lovie Lights the Lamp interviewing your Tomcat Goalies

Posted by Youngblood on January 6, 2011
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Lovie and the Tomcat Goalies have done a bang up job doing a little Sports Illustrated style Q & A.

This was done some time ago and has undergone undue delays because of an editorial desire for a nice little table to put the Q & A’s in. Oh well. Undue delays are just that: undue. To ensure Lovie’s Labours aren’t Lost, dig it:

Oh: Be sure to hit the ‘Continue Reading’ link at the bottom to get the whole article.

1. TV show I would guest star on:

Razor: Mr. Dressup. Why?  I have 2 words for you pal: Casey and Finnigan, nuf’ said. (B.J. and the Bear was a close second)

Bearcat : Golden girls because it sure would be easy to pick up those women.

Falcon: This is a toughie because there are so many, but I would have to say it would be ‘Man vs Food’.  Just watching him eat those giant pizza’s and hamburgers makes me hungry.  I think I’d be able to finish most of those challenges.  I’m thinking road trip to start hitting those places to get me in my tomcats jacket up on the wall of fames.

Skippy: Probably have to go with the Off the record segment on Sports centre – It would finally allow a full hour of Goaltenders crowing about their accomplishments in and out of net.  It would also provide valuable footage of those spectacular saves we do make, VS the loss everyone talks about.  

 2. Ginger or Mary-Anne and why:

Razor: Ginger. Those lips were made for bone smokin’. (Just for shits and giggles, Mrs. Howell would have been my next pick)

  Continue Reading

2010 Comes to a Tomcat End

Posted by Youngblood on December 30, 2010
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…..by Harry Ballsanoue

The Tomcats have had a great year. Tournament saw the Polka Kings win the Championship in overtime, the first ever overtime in tournament play. Johnny ‘Husky Eyes’ Salaris, scores 3 minutes and 58 seconds in, to give team orange, the Polka Kings the win. A nicer guy could not have scored that goal.

Then came the end of the season, and extra week was played and a huge turnout showed up. This whole Windsor Tomcat Hockey thing is really catching on. The Bulldog’s outdoor game. Long sleeve shirts in black and white for both teams.

Golf outing at Seven Lakes in June, the weather was perfect, like all Tomcat events.

September comes and 5 new Tomcats signed up, (Shamus, Crow, Doc, Soupy and Skippy) Once again, this whole Tomcat Hockey thing is really catching on.

Huge turnouts each Tuesday, with only one week, where the Tuesday hockey only had one spare on one side and 2 on the other. The rest of the weeks, 3 and two spares…with the last few weeks, 4 and five spares, and then 5 and 5 spares on the last night of hockey.

Have you seen the really cool ‘Tomcats Forever’ bracelet. Whoa!

I love the Tomcats, the four goalies, are all great guys; Razor, Falcon, Skippy and Bearcat.

The defenders play hard, the Rake back from injury, brings 12 beers and then has his own beer week the week after, Sparky, Rocky, Cribz, Yuri, Hollywood and Doc Brewin.  Of course Junior would be there, if his lower body injury was not keeping him out.

And so would Darek Kowalczykowski, if he had not had knee surgery. Do you not think, Zschabba would not love to defend his Polka King title come February 26?

Then you have the Tomcat goal scores. Chevy, Stevo, Spinner, Bulldog, Youngblood, Jingles, Husky Eyes, Lovie, Shamus, Soupy, Crow, Killer, Snowpants and Hurricane Hann.

Even the Farm Call ups are great guys, La Bamba Vlaminck, brings beer, scores goals and makes some great plays….the Tomcats seem to have it going on.

So I raise a class of Champagne to you the Tomcats, thanks for being the guys you are and the greatest job in hockey is covering the Windsor Tomcats!

Oh, where is your shiny little forehead, I want to put my Harry Ballsonue.

High Spirited Affair in a Time of the Christmas Spirit

Posted by Youngblood on December 22, 2010
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 By Heywood Jewblowmee         

As I watched the games, from high above the rafters of the Kapusta Kow, I noticed a high spirited affair. I noticed that Dave Crawford controls the play when he is out there, what a fantastic player.  Tomcats were lucky to snag Crawford on a ten year 100 million dollar deal, unlike New Jersey with the Kovalchuk signing.

I also noticed Stevo Jaworiwsky salivates when he is out there with Crawford and Crawford has the ball. The two of them are neighbours and either spent a great deal of time playing road hockey in their drive way practicing or both are gifted hockey players.

I noticed Lovie has a great shot.  He used it to settle the score last night in a 5 to 4 victory for his Hellcats.  I also noticed he took out a 75 year old spider web way up high in a rafters, when he tried to put the ball in the top corner, he winged it so high that lucky the roof was on the Kapusta Kow, if not, it would have caused an atmospheric problem.

Killer cracks me up, he is wack, wack, wack, but I tell you, he scores some goals.

Poor Louis Koenigsberger, the Rake went down like a sack of potatoes, when he got a ball on the family jewels. I asked him later, in the parking lot, if he was wearing a cup. “Ahh, no”, he said, and then added, “I normally do, but tonight, I let the boys roam free, bamo…not too smart on my part”.

Shamus, with his Ghost Crossing shirt, popped a few, he seems to be steam rolling along, and no doubt the Tournament Captains are paying close attention, one Captain, who did not want to be mentioned told me, “When he was scoring those goals, wearing a collared shirt, I thought, great if I want him, I will have to get collared shirts, but now that he is scoring with a regular tee, I will consider snapping him up, I just hope he is around in the fourth round”.

Although Razor, played a fantastic game, he cannot be faulted on the winner, where he was screened by Stevo. I spoke to Snowpants after, in the parking lot, and Snowball told me that Razor had organized ‘Tomcat wristbands’ for the boys, so he was happy with that and had put the loss behind him.

Is it me, or is Dave Hann missing a step or two? It really seems the Hurricane is now a Mist.

Andy ‘Doc’ Brewin, all alone (12 times) in front of the net, could not put one in. He is Phil Kessel and Tyler Bozak….watch Leafs will select him in the second round in this years draft.

Youngblood scored an Ovechkin type goal, in the fourth game and then did a superb job ordering pizza from Fuzzy’s Pizza….I got to have a nibble of the pizza as one of the Tomcats snuck it out to me and I can say it was delicious.

I am now off for the Christmas Holidays and the Tomcats do not play till January 18, so I will talk to you next year.

Fat bottom girls, dressed in skimpy red panties and bras, with a Santa hat, really do make the rock and roll world go round. For Christmas, under the mistletoe Heywood Jewblowmee.

Magical Night For the Tomcats

Posted by Youngblood on December 22, 2010
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by Harry Ballsonue 

Team Black Cats; Razor, Sparky, Youngblood, Stevo, Hollywood, Spinner, Crow, Doc, Rocky and the Turk

Team Hellcats; Falcon, Skippy, Lovie, Cribz, Shamus, Snowpants, Hurricane, Killer, Bulldog (yes Bulldog) and the Rake
 
Kapusta Kow Palace/Tomcat Club -AP- Oh what a night. Hellcats take it, 7-5, 4-7, 5-4. Passes, nice shots, intense play and Louis the Rake goes down for the count as he gets hit on the Kiwi’s. “It’s never funny when it is you, but when you see someone else drop like that, you can’t help to laugh”, indicated Sparky Renaud.

 
The goalies both held their own with stellar play on both sides.  The overtime winner came on a give away by Steven Jaworiwsky, who up until that time, was having a stellar night, he tried to feather a shot, for a deflection for Spinner Dzibela, but the ball was intercepted by Lovie and he snapped one, on Razor’s blocker side for the win.

 
Tomcat’s all were then ushered into the Tomcat Club for a private party where the brand new “Tomcat Forever’ wrist band was unveiled.  Every Tomcat member got three on the night.

 
“What a cool thing”, indicated Rocky Comartin.

 
Pizza was supplied by Fuzzy’s Pizza, and the Fuzzanator himself came out and had a beer with the Tomcats.
 

Alumni member, Bobby Skoretz was on hand and signed about 1,000 autographs to youngsters and oldsters alike.
 

It is great being a Tomcat!
 

Merry Christmas to all and to all a happy Tomcat night.
 

Hockey returns, January 18.  Watch for February issue of the St. Felix first week in January.
 

When I see you again, I plan to find your forehead and put my Harry Ballsonue.

Tomcat Breaking News

Posted by Youngblood on December 20, 2010
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(Article by Yuri HANZONMECACAK – Warsaw assoc press)

 Tomcat fans have I got fantastic news for you, a confidential source indicated they recently overheard a private meeting with the Tomcat Commissioner and an unidentified party. According to the source ticket holders to the Tuesday December 21st game (The last game of the regular 2010 Season) will indeed get to see a mini tournament with three teams competing.

The source further indicated that due to the large number of Tomcat players attending, the commisssioner decided to split the players (Based on skill level to keep the games as even as possible), into three teams, who will then face off against one another. All the source knew for certain is the three goalies, who will be Razor, Eagle, and Skippy. Good news for Skippy the alternate, whom also heard of the leaked tournament and indicated he was hoping to have a better game than the previous week, and prove he is capable of playing in the elite league with the Tomcats.

Current odds makers (Not having access to the remainder of the team players) have already placed betting at 3-1 for Eagle taking the mini tourny, 2-1 for razor, and 10-1 for Skippy.

Apparently the half time show may consist of Snowpants, Stevo the Commiss, and other Tomcat celebrities performing their favourite Christmas karaoke songs for the fans. Make no mistake, this foreign reporter is going to do what it takes to cover this game…..

Until I use my forged media credentials again, Yuri HANZONMECACAK

Tournament Update

Posted by Youngblood on December 20, 2010
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Players Signed Up: (in the order the signed up)

Paul Poisson, Louis Koenigsberger, Chad Comartin, Gerald Finnerty, Dave Hann, Mike Edgar, Anthony Meloche, Dave Dzibela, Victor Ferranti, Steven Jaworiwsky, Ray MacDonnell, Shane Renaud, Dean Meloche, Mike Menzel, Nick Lelyk, Dave Crawford, Andy Morgan, Kevin Kuprowski, Michael Jaworiwsky, Paul Renaud, Josh Goldstein, Mark Jennings, Stephan Szcewczuk, Ken Cribley, Andy Brewin, Dean Colasanti, George Metulynsky, Johnny Salaris, and Dan Mesman. (29 players to this point)

Players Still to Sign Up:

John Salaris (now signed up), Sammy Salaris, Chris Girard, Vince Vlaminck and Peter White.

How it may play out:

If J. Salaris,S. Salaris, Girard, Vlaminck and White sign up, that will give us a total of 32 players and each team 3 spares aside.

If we cannot get 32 players, and only 30 players, then we will need to seek out two new players…..

Names need to be in by January 10, 2011.

Draft goes February 1, 2011.

These are indeed exciting times for the Tomcats.

And as a ‘for instance’, if we get only Sammy and John Salaris to sign up, and if Chris Girard is not interested in playing, then I am willing to step down as a player, that would then give us 28 players, and two spares aside.  It would also mean that La Bamba would not be able to play……

Tomcats Forever!

Stevo Jaworiwsky,