THE 21ST ANNUAL TOMCAT REPORTCARD

Posted by Youngblood on March 28, 2011
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1. Sparky: Grade “C”
– Sparky need to work on his attendance.  Work issues and learning Michael Jacksons’ moves are really no excuse for missing Tuesday nights.
– He never seems to miss a beat when he returns, however, and he is still considered a TOP “10” pick for the tournament.

2. Spinner: Grade “B”
– Spinner has missed a few more Tuesday nights than usual as well.  However, he has a better reason than Sparky…he’s getting his pouch licked.
– Spinner still has a powerful shot and has tattooed a few shins this season.

3. Doc: Grade “C”
– Doc is a Tomcat rookie who has proven to be a reliable attendee and an often forgotten scoring threat.
– While in the running for “Most Improved Player” Docs’ skills continue to improve with every game. Now if he could only move into a decent neigh bourhood!

4. Cro: Grade: “B+”
– Another Tomcat rookie from Cada Country.  Cro has the ability to change the outcome of a game at will, and is often mentioned in the same breath as Crispy.
– His attendance has held him back, but his t-shirt donation at the Tournament and his Tomcat Golf Tournament performance has put him in the pantheon of Mario Lemieux, Brett Hull and Pee Wee Herman.

5. Snowpants: Grade “B”
– Vic the Brick has been a solid addition to the Tomcat roster.  He has made it obvious on numerous occasions that he has skills far beyond dusting the playing surface on Tuesday nights.
– Although his sudden lack of injuries have currently halted the Mathew Stafford comparisons, he still manages to get more tail than Stafford!  A True Tomcat Indeed!!

6. Hurricane:  Grade “C+”
– Hurricane is definitely in the waning years of his career.  Still the holder of 56 Tomcat records, he does manage to have flashes of brilliance.
– While sharing him with the London Ball Hockey League, Hurricane is always welcomed to  continue to play Tuesday nights. He is fast approaching ‘Legend’ status.

7. Shamus: Grade “B+”
– Shamus has definitely kicked up his game a notch this season.  One of our more superstitious players, when Shamus switched to wearing a golf shirt for games, kids in arenas everywhere switched as well.  Don Cherry actually wore a Shamus original on Hockey Night in Canada.
– Bought off waivers from the Jerusalem Junkyard Dogs, Shamus has become a premier player in the league.

8. Chevy: Grade “B”
– Chevy’s attendance this year has been record-setting.  Often showing up in $6000 Armani suits right from the office, the Tomcats “Donald Trump” has managed to balance his drug business, his real estate empire and his family life without it affecting his scoring output.
– His suddenly improved back checking has now made him a 2 dimensional player and a definite top 3 pick in any format we play.

9. Soupy: Grade “C+”
– Here is a Tomcat rookie who has began to exhibit skills that rival that of cousin Sunny.  Having fed Razor his jockstrap on a number of occasions this year, Soupy as well as Doc, is next in the running for MIP awards.

10. Killer: Grade “C”
– If the Tomcats had an award for the player who exhibits the most heart and could peel a carrot in 3 strokes or less, it would be Killer.
– Known to be a ‘secret weapon’ come Tournament time, Killer would be candidate for Dark Horse Winning Goal Scorer of the year.

11.  Bulldog: Grade “C+”
– Bulldogs attendance has been lacking this year due to work commitments, however, he continues to be a force when he does appear Tuesday nights.
– His organization of the Outdoor Game keeps him in a prominent position in the Tomcat Hierarchy and his flowing mane is reminiscent of when Fabio was a Tomcat.

12. Lovie: Grade “B”
– The fact that Lovie flies in every week from BP oil rigs around the world to play on Tuesday nights, definitely cuts him some slack on the attendance sheet.  Although playing 3 fewer games than last year, he has managed to stay near the top of the Tomcat scoring race.
– His bawdy humor and his postgame onstage nightly recollection of his numerous conquests, not to mention his generosity at Purples, leaves him in good stead with the Tomcats.

13. The Rake: Grade “C+”
– The Rake has played games this year when a normal man would have been in the morgue.  His love and commitment to the Tomcats is unparalled.  The Rake has been on more cruises than Captain Stubing, but his sea-legs are what helps him block shots at a 7 per game pace.

14. Sunny: Grade “B”
– Sunny Solaris has a desire to win that rivals Mark Messier.  The man gives 110% every game and it shows on the scoreboard.   It has been noticed by fans that his ‘gyros’ tends to bulge from his shorts when he is on a breakaway. The tendency of his tremendous package to lean to the left or right usually gives the goalies a good idea of where he is going to shoot.

15. Hollywood: Grade “B+”
– The “anointed one” is as steady and reliable as they come.  His defensive skills and footwork are evidently superior, a direct result of being the personal trainer to Beckham, Maradona and Pele.
– A multi-dimensional defenseman/goalie, Hollywood had proved himself to be indispensible to the Tomcat legion.  Not to mention being the Tomcats in-house “pool boy”.

16. Youngblood: Grade “B”
– Another “There’s nothing he can’t do” kind of guy. Youngblood brings skills to the organization that make us smile.  This Renaissance man is a player, web guru, food accommodator, musician, newlywed, alcohol connoisseur,…what the hell??
– Needs a haircut.

17. Rocky: Grade “B”
– On work ethic alone, this fine specimen is a proto type for the ultimate male.  Hung like 2 donkeys, built like a brick  Pirogue,
Rocky has proven himself to be indispensible.  A Tomcat through and through.

18.  Cribs: Grade “C+”
– One of Windsor’s finest, Cribs has upped his game to become one of the top 3 defenseman in the league.  His powerful shot and good looks has made his Tomcat website one of the most visited by female fans.
– His favorite cigars dictate his package size.

19.  Jingles: Grade “C+”
– Probably one of the most handsome Tomcats, Jingles is one, if not the only Tomcat, who tends to think with his big head.
– A rambunctious player, Jingles always shows up to play, whether it’s with himself or the rest of us.

20.  Stevo: Grade “A”
– What can anyone say about Stevo other than he’s the MAN!!
– Our ultimate leader, Stevo does more on one good knee than Traci Lords does on two.  Where would we be without Stevo??  Ball hockey purgatory, that’s where.

21. Skippy: Grade “A+”
– The Skipmeister overcame some bad press early on in the season to become the MVP of this years’ Tomcat Tournament.  Karma is a bitch isn’t it?
– Ugly pants aside, sheer determination, along with a gun and handcuffs will always prevail!!!

22. Bearcat: Grade “A+”
–  Bearcat is one of the coolest Tomcats on the planet. He shows up when he can and kicks out orange napalm with the best of them. 
– Bearcat is the Rambo of ‘tenders’… need a job done, call Bearcat!

23. Falcon: Grade “A+”
– Falcon is an entity unto himself.  Whether he stops rubber with skill or a buildup of equipment odor, he gets the job done. 
– As the holder of 43 consecutive Tomcat Tournament championships, Falcon has secured a place in the Tomcat Hall of Fame.

24. Razor: Grade “A+”
– As the senior Tomcat goalie, Razor has somehow managed to keep the orange ball from bending the twine more often than not.  Most times, it’s by yelling louder than anyone else when a suspect goal slides by him.
– Diminishing eyesight is countered by Obie Wan Kanobi reflexes that help keep the biscuit out of the basket.  Time is running out for the  Razor.

25. Yuri: Grade “B”
– A Tomcat stall worth, Yuri is a Legend in the making.  Knee brace, special dressing room and vegetable on a pizza nazi supreme, Yuri has established himself as a man among men.
– Having been breast fed on Red Cap, Yuri continues to be a top 2 defenseman on the Tomcat roster.
Until next year!
This is Mike Litoris signing off.

Two Games, Two Squads, Twelve Honest Men

Posted by Youngblood on March 24, 2011
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Low Turnout Night at the Kupusta Kow Palace Exceedes Spectator’s Expectations

 Assoc. Press Windsor, ON – Your Windsor Tomcats were in full flight Tuesday night as Rocky’s White Guy Jumpings took on Snowpants’ Back in Blacks.

The teams broke down as follows:

White Guy Jumping: Sunny, Falcon, Youngblood, Doc, Rocky, Shamus
Back in Blacks: Snowpants, Razor, Soupy, Chevy, Louis, Sparky

Game 1: White 7 Black 4
Game 2: White 7 Black 6

A strange air hung on the night (even prior to Falcon’s hockey bag being opened) as the Tomcat’s began to arrive through the player’s entrance. Despite being the 400th consecutive sold out night at the Palace, the boys were without longtime mainstays such as the likes of Stevo, Hollywood, George, Bulldog, and Lovie. As the teams took to the floor, the look Sparky’s face could tell you that the Tomcats did not aim to disappoint.

With only one spare a side the action started on the conservative side. Game one started out evenly, with goals from both sides being returned in kind. Later questioned, Razor and Menzel both deny a conspiracy to produce a tie on the night and ensure their ‘ProLine’ tickets paid out big.

Despite Soupy looking to dipsy-dangle (his words, not mine) around and embarrass his older relation Sunny, experience won the day and White ended up taking Game 1 7 – 4.

The boys milled back onto the stage.

Without the Stevos of the Tomcats around, the boys forgot that a game two was supposed to be played until Shamus cracked beer number 8. “Oh shit!” yelled Razor, “LET”S GO!!!”.

Black come out flying in Game Two with the whole team contributing to the offence.  Chevy was crankin and Snowpants was flankin. Louis and Sparky held the fort on the backend. Soupy was seen chucking on the bench: “We have this one in the bag…I’m going to head out early a sell a few dining room sets to celebrate”.

My memory might be suffering from the Tomcat syndrome known as the MGD Haze, but Black went up a seemingly insurmountable 5 – 1.

Controversy strikes! Youngblood sniped the top corner on Razor, but the goal was immediately waved off – and Youngblood conceded – as it really having hit the post. A Post-Mortem CSI style investigation later revealed the upper corner mesh to be so tightly wound (like Jingle’s female conquests – who was also a healthy scratch on the night) that the ball could have easily been in – or out. In any event, play continued. Soupy popped in a backhander while the net was off an eigth of a degree. Windsor being a proud city of machinists, we all know that a fraction of a degree off may as well be a football feild. Sunny conceded the goal to his younger self and play continued.

Rocky was heard on White’s bench rallying the troops. Doc played though the pain to help White come back. The wheels came off of Back in Blacks Crazy Train. Chevy bounced two own goals in – off Youngblood and Shamus. New technology acquired by the Tomcats Committee for Innovation, Technology, and Women allows us to watch video of the event:

Menzel shut things down and with the game notched at 6 goals a side Sunny became a man on a mission. Taking a long shot, Shamus took a whack at a rebound and the ball found its way onto Youngbloods stick where the game was sealed for White.

The boys retired to the stage to view iPhone pictures of Sparky’s hot dancing partner in Dancing with the Windsor Stars (which is not, as I had assumed, dancing lessons from the editorial staff of our local news agency). There was plenty of beer to go around, as Soupy and Louis broght ‘fine’ beers and they have now repaid their debt to Tomcat society.

Despite no Purples, the night was a success with Rocky and Sparky administering the Tomcats like pros.

In all, a success. And all rumors of relocation to Winnipeg are now squashed.

So, the next time I see you, can you remind me where my Dick Gozinya?

Razor MZ 2: The latest ‘Tomcat Tidbits’

Posted by Youngblood on March 17, 2011
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Obviously, well hung Tomcat puck stoppers  Falcon, Bearcat, Skippy and Razor have no idea what it means to be ‘shut out’, well, after the Tomcat Tournament, maybe Skippy does, anyway, once you let the ladies know that you stop rubber for a living, the world is your oyster (or bearded clam).  Needless to say, when the Swedish Bikini Team showed up in Windsor for a promotional video, the Tomcats puck stoppers were asked to ‘represent’.  After a couple of naked pyramids (thank heaven above that Falcon was on the bottom), 2 wild games of Twister and a streaking session through the quad (Blue 42!!!), the puck stoppers invited the Swedish hotties to a rolling bikini waxing party in Falcons Durango.  We have sent the “interior detail” bill for a rather moist smelling Durango, to the Tomcats.

Bulldog has approached the representatives of the Trailer Park Boys to ask if they would MC the outdoor game at Lanspeary on April 26th.  Julian and Ricky said it sounds like a real shit party and they would love to do it.  Apparently, Bubbles loves doing that type of appearance, but he’s recovering from recent laser surgery and will be unable to attend.  Bulldog asked how the surgery went and was told that Dr. Tayfour had to use a bigger laser than normal. NASA loaned him a laser that will be used as a future weapon of mass destruction and Dr. Tayfour said it worked like a charm.  Word is that Geddy Lee may sing the national anthem. Stay tuned for more details.

Apparently, Cro and Doc are looking to move away from Cada Crescent.  They had no idea that they were moving into a neighborhood that housed a member of Windsor PD.  They are family men and the influence of nightly Tomcat sex, drugs and rock and roll has lowered the value of their homes.  These fine, church-going men and their lovely families have held two-a-day prayer meetings asking the Lord above for some divine intervention.  Well they got just what they asked for.  Snowpants!!  One night, Vic brought all of the parties together in Steves’ basement and they all sang Kumbaya on Karaoke.  The street hasn’t been the same since.

Killer and The Rake are trying to take advantage of their Tomcat fame and notoriety by opening their own Ball Hockey School. They are specializing in stick handling and body check lessons to anyone 3 years of age or older.  After receiving thousands of dollars in registration fees by hundreds of star-struck kids, Louis and Dean were last seen in Antigua with Jennifer Aniston and Scarlet Johansson.

Razor Wrap-up:

Sparky and Shamus, better known as the Dynamic Duo, were spotted hanging with Latoya Jackson and Britney Spears at Park 29 in Downtown Windsor.  Sparky was showing a visibly damp and horny Britney some of his Dancing With the Stars moves, while Shamus used his fur-lined handcuffs to tether Latoya to the inside of a men’s room stall. Once the lights were turned up, Shamus sheepishly took the handcuffs off Latoya saying “Sorry, I thought you were Michael.” 

Finally, last week the unlikely 3’some of Jingles, Youngblood and Cribs were spotted squiring the Kardashian sisters around Lasalle.  At the end of the night, Cribs and Jingles threw Youngblood in the air and yelled “Heads or tails for who gets to take who home?!”  Jingles being Jingles called ‘heads’ and ended up going home with one of the Kardashian brothers.  Ouch.

This is Razor MZ signing off.

MAKING AN EXIT

Posted by Youngblood on March 17, 2011
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Tuesday was an historic night for Tomcat Nation as the 3rd ever mini-tournament was held. The stage was abuzz as the captains selected their squads. Well, ok. Not really. Most guys were putting on jocks, creaming up their guitar string tight hammies with Icy Hot or slumped in a chair having a pregame cocktail.

“I play better when I grease the wheels” said Razor as he poured a golden MGD down his piehole. “Just make sure the wheels don’t come off” said Lovie. “I just drafted your ass…”

The teams were very even as they have been for each of the tourneys and the play was fast. Kael Critchlow stepped in on very short notice and showed no signs of rust. He did take a few minutes to get the speed of the shots down, but it did not hurt him as Lovie’s crew did not hit the net with a shot until the second period. He was cat-like in the crease and will certainly be even tougher to beat next time.

Stevo was a bit perturbed as he did not have his usual compadre Crow setting him up all night. “This sucks not having Crow here. I miss him like crazy. He completes me…” mumbled Stevo as he wandered aimlessly behind the curtain between games. “Fuck that” said Doc. “Stevo must have some dirt on Crow the way he sets him up every week. Where’s mine? Apparently my wings aren’t good enough to merit a few goalmouth feeds”

    The teams were as follows:

Lovieville Flyers: Lovie, Soupy, Chevy, Razor, Jingles, Youngblood and Doc
Husky Eyes Hammers: Spinner, Rocky, Hurricane, Sparky, Killer and Kael
Stevos Devos: Stevo, Snowpants, Shamus, Yuri, Bulldog and Hollywood

The tourney came down to the final game between Stevo and Husky Eyes. Yellow needed to win by 5 or more to catch Lovie’s guys. Sunny must have had one hell of a pregame pep talk as they came out and pumped 5 goals in the first 6 minutes. Yuri gave some insight on Sunny’s tactics for raising their game. “Pep talk? Bullshit. He said he’d ram us in the ass over the beer cooler if we didn’t perform. Fucking Greeks”. Whatever it took the boys played like a house on fire. Stevo and his charges had a strong start to period 2 and looked like they were climbing back in the game to make the impossible possible before the Hammers put the hammer down so to speak. This gave Lovie’s team their third straight mini tournament victory. “He can have the minis” said Hurricane. “Lovie is always a bridesmaid and never a bride. He doesn’t perform at the real dance like I do”. Chevy stepped in at this point and began showing off all his championship rings to Hann, who turned away and double-checked that his wallet was still sealed tight…

Razor showed his true class by bringing his now-traditional rye along with the amber, sudsy stuff. Vic showed his class by pouring for all the guys while they partook in the friendly and sexually-themed banter. It was a good night for beers with a very strong showing on stage and at the pub.

The highlight of the night had to be Vic making his exit (or attempting to) from Purples. Still glowing from his reenactment of Brian Johnson doing Have a Drink on Me (now on the jukebox at the bar. Save your loonies boys…) Snowy attempted to make the usual quick back-door exit like he and the band used to do back in the day. Unfortunately for Vic, Purple’s kitchen has no corridor to the outside world. To save face he curled up beside the pizza oven for about an hour hoping to sneak out quietly after a few minutes. This of course, did not happen as all the boys moved their chairs to the wall side of the tables and stared at the kitchen door waiting…for an hour and 15 minutes. Finally, George coaxed Vic out of hiding. “Come on out you silly fuck”. “Oh yeah, make me a fucking turkey pot pie while you’re in there. Hold the peas and carrots, you know how I feel about vegetables” George chuckled. Vic came out sheepishly but was embraced by the group. You can have some fun, but how can you not love a guy like Snowy? He’s a great guy. Razor sat smiling as he enjoyed the thought of being the guy that introduced Vic to the Tomcats. “I look for guys that can do it on the floor, in the bar and on the stage” said Razor looking very GM-like. “The karaoke is just a bonus” added Razor. “That’s nothing. I have done it all those places and more” replied Doc. “I’ve also tried beds, couches, a trapeze, liberator, shower, hot tub, Stevos kitchen table, numerous planes and a porta-potty” Doc continued as he counted on his fingers for reference.

News and notes reported by Hollywood:
1. Dave Hann had an epiphany last night. He has now been introduced to the world wide interweb and the Tomcats website. “Have I been written about?” asked Hurricane. “Oh yes”, said Sparky. “Maybe you shouldn’t read the site after all”. Reportedly Dave learned a few things on his first visit to cyberspace. Naughty Allie lives up to her name, Gretzky got traded. To LA…and how to keep “winning” like Charlie Sheen.

2. Due to rounds of drinks and AC DC covers, Doc and Snowy achieved something most of us only dream about. The Tomcats Forever lyrics were changed to include their names. There was not a dry eye in the house. OK, maybe the guy in the crazy tight jeans with the huge JLo ass and leather vest, but I think that is an optical disorder…

3. Sparky was a welcome addition to the night as he has been missed. He did show some rust in his wit as he accidentally let out the fact that he had to chose between songs done by Pink or Enrique. George replied with his usual soft touch. “Some fucking choice that is. I would chose to stab myself repeatedly in both ears with scissors before listening to those assholes”

4. Speaking of George, there is some talk that he could gain another nickname due to his never-ending jokes and funny comments each week. “Rickles” was bandied about by the guys and had some interest. When mentioned to George he issued an official “Fuck off”.
5. Bulldog gave Lovie the gears over his man crush on Youngblood as yet again, Lovie picked Andy for his team. “It’s the chops” said Lovie, “hey, I’m only human”.

6. This weeks gauge of the Husky Eyes GM-o-meter spiked like crazy due to a very strong night from Soupy. Sunny was very angry that Lovie drafted the young Salaris from under his nose, which did not subside after Soupy led the team to victory and somehow missed out on a star. “I don’t get it”, said a despondent Lovie. “When Sunny came over to rail my wife today he never even said hello. Normally he gives me a high five and has me get him a couple beers. Today, he didn’t even look my way”.

7. The Tomcats Forever song has gained some emphatic fisting movements in 2 parts of the world-renowned anthem. These are probably due to the fact that Stevo has been recently introduced to the “categories” section of Youporn.

As stated earlier it was a great showing after hockey and many drinks were enjoyed. Kael is certainly an all-star when it comes to drinks as he stayed until the bitter end with the boys. It was great to see Vic, Hurricane, Soupy and Jingles hang out late as well. One day we will get Shamus back there to feel the magic. Bloggy will offer no real praise to Sparky, Doc, Hollywood, Stevo, Youngblood, Lovie and Razor as the fact that they stayed late is the furthest thing from news. It is a nasty habit that will land them a wing at Brentwood someday. Great guys, great times. Let’s do it again soon. Tomcats Forever.

Bloggy Bloggerstein

Beer, Rye and Some Hockey

Posted by Youngblood on March 16, 2011
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…by Harry Ballsanoue

Lovieville Flyers: Lovie, Soupy, Chevy, Razor, Jingles, Youngblood and Doc

Tidy Whities Husky Eyes: Spinner, Rocky, Hurricane, Sparky, Killer and Kael

Yellow Killer Canaries: Stevo, Snowpants, Shamus, Yuri, Bulldog and Hollywood

Lovieville 4 Canaries 2

Lovieville 1 Whities 0

Canaries 5 Whites 4

Canaries 4 Lovieville 3

Lovieville 5 Whities 2

Whities 6 Canaries 3

Another mini tournament at the Kapusta Kow Palace last night, it is the third one this year and a fun time was had by all. “Every reporter can write what they want or think, but I tell you, tonight was a special night, the hockey was fun and fast, the guys all pretty much stuck around after on stage and then 14 of us went back to Purples”, indicated Ray MacDonnell.

With mini tournaments, three stars are named after the game, the three star selection went as follows, 3rd star Dave Hann, 2nd star Snowpants Ferranti and the First Star, Ray MacDonnell. (Razor also brought some rye on his beer night classy move, by a classy guy)

The Tomcats signed Kael Critchlow, back in 1999 to a 25 year deal at 100 million dollars, it did not quite work out for them (Rick Dipeatro esk…..and the Islanders), Critchlow has been playing in the WCBHL for a Double A affiliate of the Tomcats in Dauphin Manitoba, playing for the Dauphin Kozaks. The young lad made the 9 hours bus ride to Winnipeg last night and then flew to Windsor just in time for the morning skate, he played for the Tidy Wihities and held his own. The call up came after Mike ‘The Falcon’ Menzel was suffering with flu like symptoms, Zippy Renaud is out for the rest of the season with a hand injury and the Danish was on a road trip in California with a Tomcat Affiliate. Critchlow got the call up, played well, had some beers on stage and then went back to Purples and bought some beer for some of the lads. “I went to high school with Kael, who needs face book, when you have the Tomcats” State a jubilant Jingles Kuprowski.

As for the hockey, the action was fast and furious, with the Lovieville Flyers who are now winners of three mini tournaments, “I don’t know how that works, I guess the teams I pick, seem to work out” Lovie Edgar had said. The Lovieville Flyers who are now being known for some of their antics, pulled a fast one on the Killer Canaries, by not giving them time to set up after a goal, and ran the play, poor officiating by the Greek Ref did not catch the incident in time, but when they tried it for a second sneaky time, the Greek Ref caught them with their pants down.

Purples now have a juke box and ACDC ‘Have A Drink On Me’ could be heard, in Snowpants honour and speaking of Snowpants, Snowpants talked about a few more shows that he had cried at, in the MASH show, when the imaginary John Tuttle died, In a Cheers episode when Sam Malone sold his Corvette to Lilith and had to drive a Volare and the one that gets Snowpants the most, even to this day it chokes him up, whenever a new winner is declared on American Idol. “I just ball my eyes out, in happiness for the winner, I don’t know why that is”. Snowpants indicated, then waved to the crowd good bye, then walked into the Purples Kitchen area by mistake, only to come out, with a few Reuben’s a Meatball sub and a Caesar Salad.

It was a fun mood last night and for a few hours the boys slipped away from the everyday grind of working, caring for the kids, grocery shopping or driving the kids to hockey and just melted away into Tomcat land.

And hey, when you are making the meatball sub, on your forehead, guess who will have his Harry Ballsonue.

Razor MZ

Posted by Youngblood on March 14, 2011
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Ever wonder where the Tomcat players go when they’re away from the floor. Although management does indeed get a few calls every weekend to bail the odd Tomcat out of jail, most of the warriors know how to have fun.

    Charlie Sheen update:

Word on the street is that Junior and Charlie Sheen were seen sharing libations and hoes in downtown Detroit. Junior happened to run into Eminem around 8 Mile and word is Slim Shady challenged Pauly to a rap-off….big mistake. Junior hit him with the Tomcat theme song and last anyone saw, Eminem was working a drive through window at White Castle. Sheen was buying drinks all night and he and Junior soon maxed out the 2 ½ Men stars’ Gold Amex card. When Charlie started to whine, apparently Junior bitch slapped him and told Charlie he better bring his “A” game next time he was in town. Phone calls to the Sheen camp to verify this have not been returned.

    Lohanarama:

Spinner was photographed escorting none other than Lindsay Lohan around Casino Windsor on the weekend. Spinner kept trying to entice her to hit the comped room by promising to show her his Tomcat cock ring. As much as this was Spinners “can’t miss” pick-up line, Lindsay just couldn’t pull herself away from the nickel slots. Apparently, Spinner pulled out all the stops and promised Lindsay her own Tomcat wrist band and a possible threesome with Ellen Degeneres. No one has heard from either of them since.

    Reginald Dwight:

Paparazzi would not leave Lovie and Elton John alone as they tried to have a quiet dinner together. Lovie was photographed inhaling as many oysters as he could while Elton ordered Salt Peter shooter after Salt Peter shooter. This Caligula-like aphrodisiac gorge eventually led to a black stretch limo picking both of our nice boys up taking them to George Michaels flat for a game of naked Twister.

Razor MZ wrap up:

Sunday night, Rocky was seen escorting Lady Gaga into an after-hours lingerie shop. She was seen trying on some see through shin pads and Rocky had on a sequined singlet! Stay tuned to see how this turns out.

Two wild and crazy guys, Hollywood and Stevo, were apparently intent on keeping things in the family by trying to tag team the Olsen Twins. Stevo was heard to say, “Mikey, I’ll take the skinny one”, after much confusion about who got to do who, Hollywood and Stevo were last seen sharing a plate of cabbage rolls in the basement of St. Vlads. Both looked very satisfied.

Finally, Husky Eyes and Soupy were seen arm-in-arm at La Vie en Rose. Soupy was seen at the cash register with an arm full of licorice flavored thongs and Husky Eyes was trying to hide the fact that he had purchased and dildo that looked like the butt end of a hockey stick. Man… those Greeks know how to have fun… with anyone.

This is Razor MZ signing off and getting off.

“Thin to Win”

Posted by Youngblood on March 10, 2011
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… by Bloggy Bloggerstein

Tuesday night was very thin by the usual standards with one spare per team. Some players had work commitments, some had lame-ass excuses like “I lost my big red muscle man wife-beater and can’t play without it”, some may still be recovering from the strained twitter they received while ballet dancing instead of playing a goddamn manly sport like hockey and a few were no-call no-shows…Glug glug…

Due to a drunken but impassioned plea from Snowpants to Mrs.
Commissioner, Michelle Jaworiwsky, at Brewin’s bash, Stevo finally caved and put he and the Snowpanted one on the same squad.

Vic was so excited he instantly put on his new-found sunglasses (which were on top of the piano where he left them on tournament day, right beside a shitty-looking Value Village sleeveless number that Ricky wouldn’t wear at Sunnyvale) and ripped into a solid version of “Have a Drink on Me” by AC/DC.

The games were very competitive, with Team White prevailing 6-7, 7-3, 7-6. The Blacks were Stevo, Sunny, Snowy, Doc, Shamus and Razor.
Whites were Chevy, Boomba, Georgie Porgy Pudding and Pie, Soupy, Lovie and everyone’s favourite DJ, Hollywood Casey Kasem.

Random thoughts:

Hollywood overcame a rough start to solidify the White team. After one particularly good glove save on Sunny he replied smoothly “There’s a long distance…dedication”

Sunny intercepted every stinking goddamn pass that was attempted anywhere inside a 20 ft radius of him. It reminded Lovie of playing against Crispy. After the game Salaris continued to show off his stellar hand-eye coordination. He cozied up behind Razor and said “feel my thumb?”, to which Razor replied sheepishly “uh, yes”. Johnny threw out both hands and gave a rousing “TADAH”!

Shamus was very hard on himself. Even though he buried a number of goals he didn’t feel it was his best effort and he left after only half a beer.

Doc pissed off more than one Tomcat with his defensive play. More than once a White defenseman snuck up into the slot, drooling as a sweet pass headed their way only to have their stick lifted by the back- checking Brewin. “Hey Doc, we don’t have a Selke award, so get off my fucking back and chill out with the defence” said George

Sammy Soupy Salaris had the in-tight control going last night. He was dazzling guys with his soft mittens and sneaking dekes into the low corners. Sunny was the only one not impressed by the showing. “Fuck that” said Salaris as he cross-checked Soupy across the lower back and drove him head-first into the Snowpants Escort billboard, “see if you can deke from your head”. Funny enough, he did just that and buried his 15th of the night.

Vince Boomba made a rare appearance and showed no rust at all, playing a great game. He took a filthy high stick above the eye from Shamus early on that opened up like a mega sized bag of Doritos thrown in front of Rita McNeil. Vince stuffed a balled-up t-shirt (yes, Junior’s of course) in the gaping hole and continued to play. “Are you sure we shouldn’t go over to Met and get that stitched up?” said Stevo. “Not unless they allow road pops in the fucking waiting room” replied Boomba. What a true hockey guy.

Chevy earned man-of-the-match status in a unanimous decision. From his play, you might ask? No, he wasn’t anything to write home about. But he did bring beer as well as an assortment of polish sausage, cheese and crackers. That, my friends, is what makes you popular in the Tomcat world. Much like cigarettes in prison, beer is the currency of the Tomcats

George gave everyone a history lesson on paczkis as apparently his buddy started the tradition in Hamtramck around 20 years ago. It was delicious and educational all at the same time. George then proceeded to lob out one-liners faster than Don Rickles on Viagra and the boys laughed the night away…

Most of the Tomcats Resume the Tuesday night Hockey thing…

Posted by Youngblood on March 10, 2011
Posted in: Uncategorized. Tagged: , . Leave a comment

But some don’t show up? Fines?

…by Harry Ballsonue

Hellcats; Lovie, Hollywood, Soupy, Chevy, The Turk, La Bamba
Blackcats: Stevo, Sunny, Razor, Shamus, Doc, Snowpants
NO SHOW NO CALL: Bulldog, Youngblood, Spinner and Louis the Rake

Hellcats end up winning, with stellar goaltending from Mykel Jaworiwsky, 6-7. 7-4 and 7-6

It was a slower pace, then a week ago, at the tournament, but the teams were fair and the goal scorers had their chances, but both Razor MacDonell and Mykel Jaworiwsky were up to the task and some pretty gosh darn good saves were made.

Snowpants ‘Swifter’ Ferranti spend almost as much time on his knees on the floor of the Kapausta Kow as he did in his running shoes. Chevy brought his 24 of Moosehead and treated everyone to some nice Kolbassa and cheese, classy move by a classy guy. (I am told that Razor has his beer next week and he is brining some rye along…classy guy, with another classy move) Soupy Salaris, who missed his beer night, brought a 112 of MGD and will have to bring another 12,. some time in the distant future. Shamus, the Prince that he is, brought 12 Corona and then left after having only one beer, “I’m going to see a chick”, he said on stage and then dashed out, fumbling for condoms.

Lovie was on fire, netting a number of goals for the Hellcats, “They seemed to be going in, where were those, on the 26th of February” Lovie had asked.

One spare aside, after a great tournament, attendance always falls off. LaBamba and the Matador have been told that they can start coming out, full time, just for the rest of the year, as Zippy Renaud is out with a broken hand, apparently suffered on a Lovie Edgar snap shot.

The no shows were somewhat of a concern as perhaps they thought there was no more hockey, with the tournament done. “The Tomcats will be waiting to see what they have to say for them selves, we did not receive word that they would not be playing” indicated General Manager Gerald Finnerty. $5.00 fines will be imposed.

As the boys sat on stage, sipping a beer, they discussed, Family ties, Cheers and other classic t.v. shows, Stevo Jaworiwsky admitted to crying in the episode where Archie Bunkers wife Edith dies and as he gives away her clothing, he finds her slippers. Snowpants Ferranti admitted to crying to a Cheers Episode when Diane leaves Sam, a Partridge Family Show where Lauri hears music on her braces, A Brady Bunch show, when Peter knocks over a lamp and the famous saying is said, “mom always said, don’t play ball in the house” and to a Seinfeld Episode when Morty has his wallet stolen in the Doctor’s office, “I just felt for Morty, how would he pay for lunch”, Snowpants said.

For those that don’t know, hockey has started up again. It is a 6:30 start. Tomcats play till April 19 the on April 26 the outdoor game is to be held. Tomcats ruled that there would be no new Out Door Game t-shirt this year, so the cost to play is $10, then back to the Dom Polski (Polish Hall) for pizza and a beer or two.

For the four that did not call or email Stevo, I can’t wait to get my Harry Ballsonue.