Beer, Rye and Some Hockey

Posted by Youngblood on March 16, 2011
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…by Harry Ballsanoue

Lovieville Flyers: Lovie, Soupy, Chevy, Razor, Jingles, Youngblood and Doc

Tidy Whities Husky Eyes: Spinner, Rocky, Hurricane, Sparky, Killer and Kael

Yellow Killer Canaries: Stevo, Snowpants, Shamus, Yuri, Bulldog and Hollywood

Lovieville 4 Canaries 2

Lovieville 1 Whities 0

Canaries 5 Whites 4

Canaries 4 Lovieville 3

Lovieville 5 Whities 2

Whities 6 Canaries 3

Another mini tournament at the Kapusta Kow Palace last night, it is the third one this year and a fun time was had by all. “Every reporter can write what they want or think, but I tell you, tonight was a special night, the hockey was fun and fast, the guys all pretty much stuck around after on stage and then 14 of us went back to Purples”, indicated Ray MacDonnell.

With mini tournaments, three stars are named after the game, the three star selection went as follows, 3rd star Dave Hann, 2nd star Snowpants Ferranti and the First Star, Ray MacDonnell. (Razor also brought some rye on his beer night classy move, by a classy guy)

The Tomcats signed Kael Critchlow, back in 1999 to a 25 year deal at 100 million dollars, it did not quite work out for them (Rick Dipeatro esk…..and the Islanders), Critchlow has been playing in the WCBHL for a Double A affiliate of the Tomcats in Dauphin Manitoba, playing for the Dauphin Kozaks. The young lad made the 9 hours bus ride to Winnipeg last night and then flew to Windsor just in time for the morning skate, he played for the Tidy Wihities and held his own. The call up came after Mike ‘The Falcon’ Menzel was suffering with flu like symptoms, Zippy Renaud is out for the rest of the season with a hand injury and the Danish was on a road trip in California with a Tomcat Affiliate. Critchlow got the call up, played well, had some beers on stage and then went back to Purples and bought some beer for some of the lads. “I went to high school with Kael, who needs face book, when you have the Tomcats” State a jubilant Jingles Kuprowski.

As for the hockey, the action was fast and furious, with the Lovieville Flyers who are now winners of three mini tournaments, “I don’t know how that works, I guess the teams I pick, seem to work out” Lovie Edgar had said. The Lovieville Flyers who are now being known for some of their antics, pulled a fast one on the Killer Canaries, by not giving them time to set up after a goal, and ran the play, poor officiating by the Greek Ref did not catch the incident in time, but when they tried it for a second sneaky time, the Greek Ref caught them with their pants down.

Purples now have a juke box and ACDC ‘Have A Drink On Me’ could be heard, in Snowpants honour and speaking of Snowpants, Snowpants talked about a few more shows that he had cried at, in the MASH show, when the imaginary John Tuttle died, In a Cheers episode when Sam Malone sold his Corvette to Lilith and had to drive a Volare and the one that gets Snowpants the most, even to this day it chokes him up, whenever a new winner is declared on American Idol. “I just ball my eyes out, in happiness for the winner, I don’t know why that is”. Snowpants indicated, then waved to the crowd good bye, then walked into the Purples Kitchen area by mistake, only to come out, with a few Reuben’s a Meatball sub and a Caesar Salad.

It was a fun mood last night and for a few hours the boys slipped away from the everyday grind of working, caring for the kids, grocery shopping or driving the kids to hockey and just melted away into Tomcat land.

And hey, when you are making the meatball sub, on your forehead, guess who will have his Harry Ballsonue.

Razor MZ

Posted by Youngblood on March 14, 2011
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Ever wonder where the Tomcat players go when they’re away from the floor. Although management does indeed get a few calls every weekend to bail the odd Tomcat out of jail, most of the warriors know how to have fun.

    Charlie Sheen update:

Word on the street is that Junior and Charlie Sheen were seen sharing libations and hoes in downtown Detroit. Junior happened to run into Eminem around 8 Mile and word is Slim Shady challenged Pauly to a rap-off….big mistake. Junior hit him with the Tomcat theme song and last anyone saw, Eminem was working a drive through window at White Castle. Sheen was buying drinks all night and he and Junior soon maxed out the 2 ½ Men stars’ Gold Amex card. When Charlie started to whine, apparently Junior bitch slapped him and told Charlie he better bring his “A” game next time he was in town. Phone calls to the Sheen camp to verify this have not been returned.

    Lohanarama:

Spinner was photographed escorting none other than Lindsay Lohan around Casino Windsor on the weekend. Spinner kept trying to entice her to hit the comped room by promising to show her his Tomcat cock ring. As much as this was Spinners “can’t miss” pick-up line, Lindsay just couldn’t pull herself away from the nickel slots. Apparently, Spinner pulled out all the stops and promised Lindsay her own Tomcat wrist band and a possible threesome with Ellen Degeneres. No one has heard from either of them since.

    Reginald Dwight:

Paparazzi would not leave Lovie and Elton John alone as they tried to have a quiet dinner together. Lovie was photographed inhaling as many oysters as he could while Elton ordered Salt Peter shooter after Salt Peter shooter. This Caligula-like aphrodisiac gorge eventually led to a black stretch limo picking both of our nice boys up taking them to George Michaels flat for a game of naked Twister.

Razor MZ wrap up:

Sunday night, Rocky was seen escorting Lady Gaga into an after-hours lingerie shop. She was seen trying on some see through shin pads and Rocky had on a sequined singlet! Stay tuned to see how this turns out.

Two wild and crazy guys, Hollywood and Stevo, were apparently intent on keeping things in the family by trying to tag team the Olsen Twins. Stevo was heard to say, “Mikey, I’ll take the skinny one”, after much confusion about who got to do who, Hollywood and Stevo were last seen sharing a plate of cabbage rolls in the basement of St. Vlads. Both looked very satisfied.

Finally, Husky Eyes and Soupy were seen arm-in-arm at La Vie en Rose. Soupy was seen at the cash register with an arm full of licorice flavored thongs and Husky Eyes was trying to hide the fact that he had purchased and dildo that looked like the butt end of a hockey stick. Man… those Greeks know how to have fun… with anyone.

This is Razor MZ signing off and getting off.

“Thin to Win”

Posted by Youngblood on March 10, 2011
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… by Bloggy Bloggerstein

Tuesday night was very thin by the usual standards with one spare per team. Some players had work commitments, some had lame-ass excuses like “I lost my big red muscle man wife-beater and can’t play without it”, some may still be recovering from the strained twitter they received while ballet dancing instead of playing a goddamn manly sport like hockey and a few were no-call no-shows…Glug glug…

Due to a drunken but impassioned plea from Snowpants to Mrs.
Commissioner, Michelle Jaworiwsky, at Brewin’s bash, Stevo finally caved and put he and the Snowpanted one on the same squad.

Vic was so excited he instantly put on his new-found sunglasses (which were on top of the piano where he left them on tournament day, right beside a shitty-looking Value Village sleeveless number that Ricky wouldn’t wear at Sunnyvale) and ripped into a solid version of “Have a Drink on Me” by AC/DC.

The games were very competitive, with Team White prevailing 6-7, 7-3, 7-6. The Blacks were Stevo, Sunny, Snowy, Doc, Shamus and Razor.
Whites were Chevy, Boomba, Georgie Porgy Pudding and Pie, Soupy, Lovie and everyone’s favourite DJ, Hollywood Casey Kasem.

Random thoughts:

Hollywood overcame a rough start to solidify the White team. After one particularly good glove save on Sunny he replied smoothly “There’s a long distance…dedication”

Sunny intercepted every stinking goddamn pass that was attempted anywhere inside a 20 ft radius of him. It reminded Lovie of playing against Crispy. After the game Salaris continued to show off his stellar hand-eye coordination. He cozied up behind Razor and said “feel my thumb?”, to which Razor replied sheepishly “uh, yes”. Johnny threw out both hands and gave a rousing “TADAH”!

Shamus was very hard on himself. Even though he buried a number of goals he didn’t feel it was his best effort and he left after only half a beer.

Doc pissed off more than one Tomcat with his defensive play. More than once a White defenseman snuck up into the slot, drooling as a sweet pass headed their way only to have their stick lifted by the back- checking Brewin. “Hey Doc, we don’t have a Selke award, so get off my fucking back and chill out with the defence” said George

Sammy Soupy Salaris had the in-tight control going last night. He was dazzling guys with his soft mittens and sneaking dekes into the low corners. Sunny was the only one not impressed by the showing. “Fuck that” said Salaris as he cross-checked Soupy across the lower back and drove him head-first into the Snowpants Escort billboard, “see if you can deke from your head”. Funny enough, he did just that and buried his 15th of the night.

Vince Boomba made a rare appearance and showed no rust at all, playing a great game. He took a filthy high stick above the eye from Shamus early on that opened up like a mega sized bag of Doritos thrown in front of Rita McNeil. Vince stuffed a balled-up t-shirt (yes, Junior’s of course) in the gaping hole and continued to play. “Are you sure we shouldn’t go over to Met and get that stitched up?” said Stevo. “Not unless they allow road pops in the fucking waiting room” replied Boomba. What a true hockey guy.

Chevy earned man-of-the-match status in a unanimous decision. From his play, you might ask? No, he wasn’t anything to write home about. But he did bring beer as well as an assortment of polish sausage, cheese and crackers. That, my friends, is what makes you popular in the Tomcat world. Much like cigarettes in prison, beer is the currency of the Tomcats

George gave everyone a history lesson on paczkis as apparently his buddy started the tradition in Hamtramck around 20 years ago. It was delicious and educational all at the same time. George then proceeded to lob out one-liners faster than Don Rickles on Viagra and the boys laughed the night away…

Most of the Tomcats Resume the Tuesday night Hockey thing…

Posted by Youngblood on March 10, 2011
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But some don’t show up? Fines?

…by Harry Ballsonue

Hellcats; Lovie, Hollywood, Soupy, Chevy, The Turk, La Bamba
Blackcats: Stevo, Sunny, Razor, Shamus, Doc, Snowpants
NO SHOW NO CALL: Bulldog, Youngblood, Spinner and Louis the Rake

Hellcats end up winning, with stellar goaltending from Mykel Jaworiwsky, 6-7. 7-4 and 7-6

It was a slower pace, then a week ago, at the tournament, but the teams were fair and the goal scorers had their chances, but both Razor MacDonell and Mykel Jaworiwsky were up to the task and some pretty gosh darn good saves were made.

Snowpants ‘Swifter’ Ferranti spend almost as much time on his knees on the floor of the Kapausta Kow as he did in his running shoes. Chevy brought his 24 of Moosehead and treated everyone to some nice Kolbassa and cheese, classy move by a classy guy. (I am told that Razor has his beer next week and he is brining some rye along…classy guy, with another classy move) Soupy Salaris, who missed his beer night, brought a 112 of MGD and will have to bring another 12,. some time in the distant future. Shamus, the Prince that he is, brought 12 Corona and then left after having only one beer, “I’m going to see a chick”, he said on stage and then dashed out, fumbling for condoms.

Lovie was on fire, netting a number of goals for the Hellcats, “They seemed to be going in, where were those, on the 26th of February” Lovie had asked.

One spare aside, after a great tournament, attendance always falls off. LaBamba and the Matador have been told that they can start coming out, full time, just for the rest of the year, as Zippy Renaud is out with a broken hand, apparently suffered on a Lovie Edgar snap shot.

The no shows were somewhat of a concern as perhaps they thought there was no more hockey, with the tournament done. “The Tomcats will be waiting to see what they have to say for them selves, we did not receive word that they would not be playing” indicated General Manager Gerald Finnerty. $5.00 fines will be imposed.

As the boys sat on stage, sipping a beer, they discussed, Family ties, Cheers and other classic t.v. shows, Stevo Jaworiwsky admitted to crying in the episode where Archie Bunkers wife Edith dies and as he gives away her clothing, he finds her slippers. Snowpants Ferranti admitted to crying to a Cheers Episode when Diane leaves Sam, a Partridge Family Show where Lauri hears music on her braces, A Brady Bunch show, when Peter knocks over a lamp and the famous saying is said, “mom always said, don’t play ball in the house” and to a Seinfeld Episode when Morty has his wallet stolen in the Doctor’s office, “I just felt for Morty, how would he pay for lunch”, Snowpants said.

For those that don’t know, hockey has started up again. It is a 6:30 start. Tomcats play till April 19 the on April 26 the outdoor game is to be held. Tomcats ruled that there would be no new Out Door Game t-shirt this year, so the cost to play is $10, then back to the Dom Polski (Polish Hall) for pizza and a beer or two.

For the four that did not call or email Stevo, I can’t wait to get my Harry Ballsonue.

INJURY Ends Player’s Season

Posted by Youngblood on March 3, 2011
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(Harry Palm Press):

Breaking Tomcats news – it has just been confirmed that Skippy will not be playing in the outdoor tourney, or for the rest of this season. Sources indicate the tournament MVP has sustained a broken right hand from an injury sustained at work. When I got the call from my source I rushed over to the Hospital just in time to see Skippy being discharged, his right hand in a temporary cast. I pushed my way thru the media throng and spoke briefly with him, “All I can say is the Doc confirmed I broke it, and unfortunately I won’t be back till September. I’m really disappointed I won’t be there for the fans to play in the outdoor tourney. I’ll likely attend to watch the action from the Commish box seats. What really sucks is I gotta figure out how to relieve myself with just one hand – considering of course the girth involved here.” While he may have been in good spirits despite the bad news, both fans, and players alike will truly miss seeing Skippy in action. Maybe if I hang around long enough I can see just how he’s going to manage putting his HANDSONMECAC.

Yurri

TOURNAMENT TIDBITS

Posted by Youngblood on March 1, 2011
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 …by Bloggy Bloggerstein

You have to feel happy for Skippy. Hasn’t played in ages, a tourney rookie was a bit of a question mark on a very good team and he ends up walking away with the Stanley’s Cup and MVP. Attaboy Skip! That almost makes up for those god-awful pukey bile yellow slacks. Almost…

Rock makes Mel Kiper look like a preschooler on draft day. The guy can put a team together. Congrats Rock. Unfortunately, you are also henceforth banned from any Tomcat fantasy drafts…

Razor had a crazy-good tourney and was the MVP heading into the second period of the final, but just missed out on pulling a Hextall and winning the Conn Smythe on the losing team.

Stevo had a great tourney and was also in the MVP discussion on the stage. This was on top of the commitment, time and effort he puts in all year and especially at tourney time. Thanks Stevo, you are a beauty.

The Tomcats Forever anthem has been looping non-stop in my pumpkin since Saturday. Watch Stevo when you view the video, he can’t help cracking up when the girls’ parts are mentioned. Just like me when it came up in grade 6 sex ed class…

Danny is a great guy. He comes out for the entire day and stays until the last drink is tipped. Now that’s a Tomcat.

Along the lines of the lost and found sunglasses, has anyone seen a Brink’s truck? It is lost and was last seen driving through the Danish’s five hole…just kidding, thanks for stepping up and coming out to help us.

Falcon should be thanked gratuitously for spending good taxpayer’s money to dig up the video of that absolutely hard-as-rock Russian broad jumping around in that tighter-than-fuck outfit. I mean, jesus, oh…hold on…ahhh, sakes….pow. I need a brief intermission, some kleenex and a jar of Jurgens lotion…

Killer, I hope you are still taking advantage of the swollen pickle with the sweetie

When drinking at Purple’s it is absolutely mandatory to avoid eye contact with Junior. You could be talking to someone about the merits of socialist society, the effects of US interference in 3rd world countries, the emerging economies of China, India and Brazil, getting your taxes done or even discussing the form of our Russian sexerciser and he will automatically think you are talking about him in a derogatory fashion. This is always followed by him charging over and invading your personal space and telling you how lucky you are that he isn’t punching you out. On a positive note, Doc had a nice little two-step with him while they drilled back some pie. Buying him a beer also softens up the big bear…

The gig is up on Junior, by the way. His “injury” didn’t look to be anything serious to those of us on stage. We feel he is swimming deeply in plenty of fish on Tuesdays and dare I say it, using the Tomcat name to tomcat around the neighbourhood and…oh, never mind. I guess that makes sense. Just bring your phone around once a month with some pics Uncle June.

We thought Crow was impressive on the floor, you have to see this guy in the bar. Between Crow, Doc and Matty being so solid and Soupy’s poor attendance lately, Stevo is looking more and more likely to take the GM of the year. Sunny is still sore about it and only the intervention of his wonderful wife Denise has kept the Greeks together. Sammy might find himself facing death by Boola Boola if he’s not careful.

If we ever have a drinking tournament I want Crow, Hollywood, Youngblood, Jingles, Razor, Falcon, Doc, George, Danny, Junior, Stevo and Snowpants on my team.

Darek did a hell of a job refereeing the tourney. It is not an easy job and someone is always pissed, but the feeling on the stage is that he let the guys play and made one or two calls on obvious cross-checks which kept the lid on the game. He also made the call on Junior in the final when he ran Sunny through the wall, which was not as tough a call as originally thought. Mr Magoo, Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder were all standing with whistle to mouth as well…

It was great to see Bundura out as well, especially when he was getting in Junior’s kitchen.

Nick showed how tough the Belle River boys are as he played through a bad knee injury to ensure the Youngbloodz weren’t short

Crispy showed that he doesn’t know the meaning of rust and that he is still “The Man” with “The Shot”, right Killer? Jennings also thumbed his nose at those who thought he would be hurt by the lack of Tuesday nights.

Possible fines: Stevo for breaking stick and not having fun. Lovie for being a first round bust. Nicky for excessive bandage use. Killer for attempting to fuck a ballhockey ball. Falcon for having equipment that smells slightly worse than napalm. George for getting violent at Purples due to veggie pizza. Razor for impersonating Andy Capp in team photo. Rocky for texting with TSN panel during draft.

Thank goodness the cruiser had a solitaire game on the laptop. If it was porn I know it would be one of ours…

The chants of “One more year” flooded the stage when Finner’s retirement was announced. Stay tuned…

Thanks again Stevo for all your effort, we do appreciate it.

Reminder! No Hockey on March 1 2011

Posted by Youngblood on February 27, 2011
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As we all recover from the intensity of the Stanley’s Cup Tournament (basically Christmas Day for every red blooded Tomcat out there) this is just a reminder that we get Tuesday March 1 2011 off. Some are predicting that Junior might show up at the Kow Palace anyway and begin training for next years big event.

In any case: next game is  Tuesday March 8 2011.

Please note: the rumor is that Soupy has been fined for not showing up or providing his required beer on the Tuesday prior to the tournament. All penalties assessed in the actual tournament are still pending league review, but your faithful scribe will keep you posted.

If that is quite everything, can I please get my Dick Gozinya?

 

PS: Since we do have the week off, Falcon would like to remind everyone to keep up with their usual workout routine: