Windsor Tomcats

by Bloggy Bloggerstein

I realize I have been letting the articles slide this year. It is due to my part-time job as a porn makeup artist. Everyone thinks high definition is so great, I dare them to watch it in HD with out any makeup. Horrifying. Have you ever tried to get just the right amount of mascara to run perfectly for a deep throat scene? Ever seen a crushed spider too long between brazilians without some rouge? A raging, beet-red genital wart with no powder? How about an angry clitoris…forget it, most guys can’t find those anyway…

Regardless, standard definition is better, let’s leave it at that. Back to my story. I get a text from Lovie asking me to go meet him for lunch at Hurricane’s yesterday and I accept, thinking it is a nice opportunity to get together and chat while hammering home some chicken wings. I hear that a few other Tomcat greats will be in attendance, so I am geeked and show up at the restaurant with my appetite, autograph book and a sharpie.

After sitting for 19 minutes he finally shows up, rushing in like he is the busiest man on earth. He hardly said hello, he just buried his head in the menu and started beaking off at the waitress which made her cry. He then ordered up half the menu and complained that it was taking too long. When his food came he bit into a piping hot wing and turned the roof of his mouth into Hiroshima after the bomb. He cursed, whispered to the waitress, who cringed thinking she was going to get blasted again and returned to his seat. Next thing you know the waitress brings over the bill with everyone’s lunch on it. Lovie makes a big show of grabbing it in tells us he is paying for lunch because he has to leave right away. Fucking big shot…

Get ready, this is where it gets good. His eyes get as big as pie plates as he scrambles around from pocket to pocket like a mime with ADHD. “I forgot my wallet” he says. Jesus H, I’ve heard it all now. “What an asshole” said Snowpants, “I’ll get the bill then”.

“Hurricane is cheap, but Lovie is so cheap that his wallet is inside Hann’s wallet” said Hollywood, bashing Hurricane yet again as he so loves to do.

“We need some kind of justice” said Stevo. “I’m calling Nick immediately, you are getting a fine shoved right up your ass pal”.

“Bloggy don’t play dat” I replied. “That’s the oldest trick in the book mofo”.

“If things are that tight the soup kitchen is down the street. Try there next time” said Sparky. “Count me out for the next charitable dinner”.

In discussions with other Tomcat alums it appears that this is not an isolated incident.

“Yeah, Lovie got me on that one too” said a visibly shaken Doc. “I thought he was a decent guy and we were to meet at Hurricane’s for noon. He strolls in 30 minutes late and eats, then slinks off without paying the bill. Phony fucker told me he thought we were going to pull a dine-n-dash when I confronted him at hockey the following week”.

“You think that’s bad?” said an animated Razor. “At least he had the nerve to show up for your lunch date! That asshole never even made it for the last one. Said he was busy or some shit. Well, at least I didn’t get stuck with the bill I guess”…

“That old chestnut” said Falcon as he gazed into the sky lovingly. “I used to love that scam, the old I forgot my wallet routine. I’ve had many a meal on that one, but it gets old real quick. If you have any class at all you shut it down after 1 or 2 lunches with the same group of guys”.

“I just want to get this out so that it can’t happen to any more unsuspecting Tomcats” said a forlorn Snowpants. “I thought he was a cool guy, I’ve had him over for drinks and football games and overly-salty snack treats and wonderful cheese and meat trays and he does this to me? I can’t…uh…” A broken Snowy had to be walked to his car in a bundle of tears by the Tomcat security detail.

“Booya! I always told you the guy was an asshole Stevo” said Darek, who has seen some of Lovie’s worst behaviour on the soccer pitches of Windsor. “I hate to say I told you so, but he’s a fucking clown and should be relieved of his Tomcat privileges”.

Unnamed sources say emergency team meetings are taking place this morning to decide Lovie’s fate. More on this as it becomes available.