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Mykel Jaworiwsky here to stay, Tomcats Play and Play

Posted by Youngblood on April 20, 2011
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…by Harry Ballsonue

Rocky Bay Rockets; Rocky, Crow, LaBamaba, Snowpants, Bulldog, Hollywood Doc and Ray Menzel

Chevyville Storm; Chevy, Junior, Soupy, Yuri, Jingles, Killer, Razor and the Falcon

Cribztown Crusaders: Cribz, Spinner, Sparky, Youngblood, Louis the Rake, Stevo and Mike MacDonell

Scores:

Rocky 1 Chevy 2

Cribz 1 Rocky 2

Chevy 2 Cribz 1

Chevy 2 Rocky 0

Rocky 1 Cribz 0

Cribz 1 Chevy 2

A total of 15 goals were scored on the Last night at the Kapusta Kow Palace, for this year.  The goaltending was spectacular. The Falcon was on Fire.  The Razor was sharper than a Kansu knife.  The scores were reflective of the tight ‘D’ that was being played by the likes of Ken Cribley, Chad Comartin and George Metulynsky all Norris Trophy Candidates.

Enough cannot be said about the Waterbug Dave ‘Crow’ Crawford, who zigs…zags and makes play after play after play.  Bulldog Meloche scored a tap in goal on a Steve Jaworiwsky give a way that was scooped up by Crawford who made a nifty pass to Bulldog who tossed it in the net. “I could score goals like that blindfolded, all night long” stated Bulldog Meloche, “Zetterburg, Datsyuk Crawford can all be put in one sentence”. Bulldog Meloche said.

The three stars were, 3) Snowpants Ferranti 2) Dave Crawford 1) Mike Menzel.  All were presented with $50 cigars, compliments of the Windsor Tomcats.

G/F  G/A

Chevy Storm                8           3

Rocky Rockets             6           4

Cribz Crusaders          3            7

Chevy Storm seemed to be able to score at ease and defend.  The Crusaders of Cribztown could not score, netting only 3 and let in 7. “It was disappointing” Stated team Captain Ken Cribley, “We had our chances  but we could not capitalize” Cribley added.

Strong performances were also put in by, injury returning veteran Spinner Dzibela, LaBamba Vlaminck, Hollywood Jaworiwsky,  Soupy Salaris and The Rake Koenigsberger.

There was no six peat for Lovie Edgar, who was with Zdeno Chara in the recovery room with a flu bug.

I watched as the Tomcats piled into their dressing room and then we (the media) were allowed in to do our interviews. The boys seemed sad that the season was over and the only event left was the outdoor game to be played Tuesday April 26, 2011 at 6:30 -8:30. The cost is $10 for hockey and $10 for pizza after.

Bulldog Meloche announced the Captains of the outdoor game as Rocky Comartin and Mykel Jaworiwsky.

Mykel Jaworiwsky agreed to stay on as ‘pool’ organizer and will be assisted by Lovie Edger and Zchabba Kowalcyzkowski next year for the NHL Regular Season Pool and then the NHL Playoff pool. (Several lovely parting gifts were presented to Mykel Jaworiwsky for all his efforts in the past) The Younger Jaworiwsky was choked up about the presentation, holding back tears, he said, “I will stay on if I get some assistance, I thank all of you, you are the bestest in the westest”. He had said.

After we (the media) were ushered off the stage area, I could see catering vehicles brining in food for the Tomcats.  I could not see what they were about to be served, but it might have been Cordon Bleu Chicken, Beef Wellington and BBQ Steaks along with Scalloped Potatoes and Salads or…..it could have been kielbasa and cheese from the Polish Deli on Walker….I don’t know.

A two goalie mini tournament system was implemented. It worked well, but as Youngblood Morgan said to me after, “The goalies do not have ownership of a team.  I find that is the only drawback.  They were both outstanding tonight.” Youngblood Morgan added.

Dave Crawford, Soupy Salaris, Doc Brewin were the three of the five new Tomcats this year that played in the last night of hockey, with Zippy Renaud and Shamus Goldstein nursing injuries. Doc Brewin said he was sad to see the season end so quickly, “I plan to be back next year of course, how can I leave. Great bunch of guys and I plan to help out more.  Whatever Stevo needs doing, I’ll be the doer…I want to help” Brewin said. Dave Crawford, who signed a 17 year 119 million dollar deal with the Tomcats in the off season said he had a fantastic time this year, “I can’t say enough about it, super guys and I always enjoy myself”. Crawford indicated.

Back at Purples, Soupy Salaris who was not going to Purples, was talked into coming out ‘for one’. As I was leaving, at around midnight, as I had a dead line to write this article, there was Soupy, sitting at Purples with the boys talking politics. The essence of the Tomcats, welcome the new and let them join in on the fun.

Another tremendous Tomcat Hockey Season comes to an end I will cover the outdoor game next week. As they say, “Tomcats Forever”.

Next week, as you sit on the bench at Lansberry Park, I will for sure for sure, put my Harry Ballsonue.

“That’s it, I’m done, If Lovie is not in the pool, I’m out”! – Michael Jaworiwsky

Posted by Youngblood on April 13, 2011
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AND DAVE ‘HURRICANE’ HANN BRINGS A 2-4

…by Harry Ballsonue

Team White (and Beige): Bulldog, Razor, Sparky, Hollywood, Soupy, Chevy, Doc and Junior

Team Black: Snowpants, Stevo, Jingles, Youngblood, Rocky, Cribz and the Falcon

Hockey was fine, with both goalies standing on their heads and spitting nickels. Team Black finally winning after a marathon of hockey, 7-4 7-4. “It was a hot one out there tonight”, stated Mike ‘the Falcon’ Menzel “It may be the end of the season, but the boys can still turn it on”, Menzel concluded. “I don’t know what happened out there tonight to us” stated a perplexed Chevy Szcewczuk, “We had our chances, but the Falcon seemed to stop everything tonight”.

Snowpants Ferranti scored his 7th goal of the season last night.  Brought in as a goal scorer from the New Jersey Zepher’s a year and a half ago, Snowpants has not been up to snuff. “we are not disappointed in his play at all, he is doing all the right things out there, but just gripping his stick a bit too tight, maybe” indicated Tomcat Team Captain Paul Poisson, who himself had a stellar game, knotting a few goals himself, top shelf where Gramma keeps her Sherry. And yes, Snowpants spent half his time on his side, sliding around the Kapusta Kow Palace. Gomez scores 8 for the Habs this year at 8 Million a year and Snowpants scores 7 for the Tomcats at 7 mil a year…hummmmm interesting.

Solid performances were also put in by Rocky Comartin, Bulldog Meloche and Doc Brewin, who, for some reason wore a beige shirt, instead of a white shirt. (Advisory committee to meet in the off season about that to determine if a fine should be levied)

Tomcats then held their NHL Playoff hockey pool. 14 Participants with Lovie Edgar being the 14th. (Lovie was not there and his team was to be picked for hime) There was some talk about expelling Lovie Edgar from the pool and that is when Stevo Jaworiwsky, threw the King of Spades (which was Lovie’s pick) across the stage. Stevo then said, ‘he’s a fag, he should not be in the pool’. A few Tomcats nodded in agreement as the playing card landed at the feet of Bulldog Meloche. At that moment, Michael Jaworiwsky the pool organizer got up and said, “That’s it, I’m done, if Lovie is not in the pool, I’m not in the pool, it’s not like he’s some homeless person, he’s a Tomcat” Jaworiwsky said, his face all red and bothered. Steven Jaworiwsky, older brother then said, “If my brother is not in the pool, then I am not in the pool”. Then Bulldog Meloche said, “If Stevo is not in the pool, then I am not in the pool” .  Then Youngblood Morgan spoke up, “If Bulldog is not in the pool, then I’m not in the pool”. And so on, when it ended up, only Junior was still in the hockey pool. The stage fell silent, as Mike Jaworiwsky pulled out the participants cash from his wallet and said, “Here is the money, take it”.

What next?

For a split second, no one knew what to do. Was this true? No Tomcat NHL Playoff pool? Go On!

But wait, then Bulldog Meloche said, “I’ll pick for Lovie”. Then Stevo said, “No, I’ll pick for Lovie”, Then Doc Brewin, Still wearing his BEIGE shirt said, “No, I’ll pick for Lovie, he’s not a homeless person, he has no shopping cart, I’ll pick for him, he’s a Tomcat”. Then…as Mike Jaworiwsky, held back tears of joy, the pool was back on, as he yelled, “Lovie, Zippy and Rocky on deck”. At that moment the pool was back on and happy Tomcat faces were everywhere on stage. Thank you Mike ‘Hollywood’ Jaworiwsky for the pool, for being you and saving the Tomcat day! (Jaworiwsky indicated that this would however be the last hockey pool that he is running for the Tomcats)

In other news, Dave Hann had his son Bryan Hann bring a case of beer to hockey. To show what a great guy Hurricane Hann is, he was only to bring a 12 pack. But Davey brought a twenty four of MGD. Fantastic job…a super solid on Hurricane Hann’s part. That case was held back for next week, where it will be placed on ice and enjoyed on the last night of hockey.  Also bringing beer next week is Dave ‘Spinner’ Dziebela. Tomcats also have a number of beers being held up in the Tomcat room, so come prepared to have a few beers next week. 

On the injured reserve, Dave Crawford out with a broken left index finger and Shamus Goldstein is out with an upper body injury, believed to be his back.

Soupy Salaris announced that he is out for the outdoor game, but hopes to join the Tomcats for one or two drinks at the Dom Polski.

Paul Poisson was the winner of the regular season pool, ($90) with second place going to Darek Kowalczykowsk ($50)  and third place was won by Ken Cribley ($10)

Next week is the last week of hockey at the Kapusta Kow Palace. Come on out, would love to see a mini tournament, with my Harry Ballsonue.

DO THE BEARCAT, WHISKY IN THE JAR-O AND GRANNY GUMS, NEW AND IMPROVED WITH MORE HOLES!

Posted by Youngblood on April 8, 2011
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This week featured yet another mini-tourney with some great hockey. The first game, between Stevo and Snowpants was the finest hockey seen at the Palace in some time. The action was end-to-end and the goaltending was absolutely stellar. Stevo scored a ridiculously sweet goal on an amazing deke that only he could score. Somewhere in Tampa Stevie Y was smiling the moment “Stevo Franchise” juked, jived and buried the biscuit. His posed stare into the rafters only made the goal more legendary. Bulldog drove home the winner into the top corner on a great drive to the net. It was just a great hockey game for the ages…

Bearcat showed absolutely no rust coming out after weeks off. He may have stolen Sparky’s WD-40…He certainly showed his class by bringing out beer “just because”. Hollywood continued to enhance his already stellar image by bringing more beer than he needed to as well as working with Falcon to act as ringleader for Stevo’s birthday gift from the boys. Of course, Hollywood got the whisky while Falcon used his experience with porn to dive deep into the bargain bin for Granny Gums. Not happy with the regular version, he went for the higher model with more holes, more wrinkles, additional liver spots and removable dentures. Yes, you read that correctly. I can’t believe it and I just wrote it. Nothing but class Falcon! Attaboy. Speaking of class, Stevo was serenaded with a Marilyn-like version of happy birthday doled out by Razor…wearing nothing but a jock strap and his singing ability.

“Christ” said Junior, “Razor needs to do some fucking manscaping. It looked like he was trying to hide a wooly mammoth underneath a walnut shell”.

“I had to go to the hospital in the middle of the night” said a dejected Youngblood. “I must have taken a pube in the eye, it swelled up like a grade 9 boy who stumbles into the girl’s change room at shower time”.

“I enjoyed the spirit of it, but could have done without the sweaty ass-print on my slacks” said Captain Stevo. “That guy is a beauty”.

George was “on” again, getting the highest ratings on the laugh-o-meter as usual. Shamus is really finding his groove on stage. Even though he went down early in the tourney with a lower body injury he popped some pills to try and play. That was unsuccessful, but he stuck around to have drinks with the boys and celebrate his team’s win. Good stuff Shamus. Snowy had a big day at work Wednesday, but stuck around for some beer and whisky drinks with the boys. Junior and Razor looked like they were going to go nose-to-nose briefly but ended up laughing and sharing a Golden Pheasant. Rocky was a stud in the tourney, really picking up his play when 1st round draft pick Shamus went down to injury. Snowy and Sunny looked like Hall and Oates out there threading passes back and forth. No, not the Maneaters, the other ones who play hockey. Louis and Killer had some great battles in the corner, the best being in the back corner of the stage while debating the merits of doggy-style vs the council of the cow. I read a missing poster on my milk carton the other day. It had Falcon’s ass on it…

At one point in the games Stevo and George met behind the net and took part in a heated battle for the ball. It looked like two majestic rams with steam pouring from their nostrils, rising to meet each other in a powerful charge. Or maybe two Heavy Metal-type cartoon Gods with swords clanging. Or even better, two Champion-caliber heavyweight boxers slugging it out to the delight of the crowd. When this was brought up between games by Louis, Stevo replied “George had the ball and I lifted his stick and took the ball, that’s all”.  I tend to agree with Louis, it was a great moment between two veterans, the two veteran pillars of the Tomcat organization. Stevo gave George props on the stage, stating that “George wanted to play some basketball. That’s how all this started so many years ago. Along with Hollywood, we are like the trinity”.

There was a strong crowd onstage yet again and the chatter went on late as is recently the standard. A small, but committed contingent zipped over to Purples afterward. Sunny Salaris had the night off and wanted to soak in the Purples experience that he normally misses due to work commitments. He showed his generosity by grabbing the first round. Hollywood darted directly to the jukebox, which is a welcome addition in my opinion. Nothing goes better with beers and hanging with the boys like music. Oh yeah, some talk of former conquests is good too, but is still better with tunes. Holly went heavy on the ballads to the delight of everyone in the bar. The guy in the old-school purple Purples jacket was even rocking out up at the bar. Hurricane explained that hearing INXS gives him an urge to throw his belt around his neck and dive into the broom closet to masturbate furiously while strung up on a footstool. I guess that’s just how he rolls…

Sparky showed up on stage even though he is busy trying to get his dance partner to go commando next round and Doc showed up at Purples after work to have a drink.

The boys floated out into the evening on the notes of Never Tear Us Apart. Amen to that…

Bloggy Bloggerstein

Lovieville Flyers Five Peat

Posted by Youngblood on April 7, 2011
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…By Dick Fitzwell


Snowsqualls: Snowpants, Sunny, George. Youngblood, Killer and Falcon
Stevo Sting Rays: Stevo, Chevy, Junior, Hollywood, Bulldog and Bearcat Meloche
Lovieville Flyers: Lovie, Shamus, Rocky, Hurricane, Razor, Jingles and Louis the Rake

Yet another Mini Tournament springs up at the Kapusta Kow Palace. That is 5 for the season. No one was complaining though, as there were 1 spare a side and the hockey was fast a furious. “That first game, between the Snowsqualls and the Sting Rays was magnificent, probably the best hockey I have seen this season”, indicated Lovie Edgar who five peated. He has been on the winning team in each of the five mini tournaments. “I don’t know how that works, great team effort, there is no I in team, but there is in Lovie” Lovie Edgar had said with a smile.

Dean Bearcat Meloche came out for the first time this season and got some evil looks from Razor and the Falcon, but then when more players came walking up on stage, they accepted him once again, into the Tomcat fold.

Bearcat Meloche was made the first star with a stellar performance in net and for bringing a 12 pack of MGD, on a ‘just because’ basis. Second star went to Rocky Comartin who had a fantastic night. Third star was taken by Snowpants Ferranti who seemed to be every where, scoring, passing and just being a great leader on the bench.

The super solid of the week goes to Mykel ‘Hollywood’ Jaworiwsky for not just bringing his 24 beers. He brought 36 beers and a number of vodka drinks. Hollywood could have just brought regular beer…..but no…not Hollywood, he The Golden Pheasant and premium beer from Slovakia. Hell, if he was not already nicknamed Hollywood, Im sure he would have been named, Mykel ‘the Golden Pheasant’ Jaworiwsky. In fact I like that, “Hey Golden Pheasant, nice game…”.

Tomcats have a Falcon, a Crow, an Eagle, ( A Sparrow that does not come out anymore) so why not a Golden Pheasant. Not just Pheasant Jaworiwsky, Golden Pheasant Jaworiwsky.

For Stevo’s very cruel practical April Fool’s joke, he did bring a 40 of Wisers that was enjoyed by all.

Two weeks left at the Kapusta Kow Palace, then the out door game. Next week, April 12, it is NHL Playoff Hockey Pool Draft night. Cost is $11 and Tomcats are supplying a 24 MGD for that night along with George Metulynsky’s case of ????? (guessing either 50 or Red Cap…but the Tomcats are hoping for 50)

Only cancellations for next week are Hurricane, LaBamba, Sunny, Spinner and Killer, so come prepared for another mini tournament. Stevo Jaworiwsky tells me, that he is going to change things up a bit and have three, never before Mini Tournament Captains…..so it should be an exciting night.

Bring you NHL Hockey picks, a pen and reading glasses and we will see you next week.

As they say, ‘Tomcats Forever’ and hey hey hey…Dick Fitzwell.

Feb 2, 1994, Kapusta Kow Palce, 7:45p.m.

Posted by Youngblood on April 4, 2011
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… by Harry Ballsonue

Team White: George Metulynsky playing goal, Stevo, Bulldog, Tommy ‘the Badger Hienze

Team Black: David Hann playing goal, Junior, Nick ‘MayDay’ Lelyk, Louis the Rake

Team Black wins the evening; 10-5, 10-6, 9-10.

In those days the Tomcats played to 10. (Goaltending equipement changed that) Yes, George Metulynsky as the goalie, thus the nickname ‘The Turk’, named after Turk Broda. Dave Hann was the other goalie.  When he was not thinking of the movie, ‘Babe’ he was actually a stellar net minder.

No spares that night, 3 on 3. Plastic sticks, Goalies wore a baseball mit, a hockey glove for a blocker and volly ball knee pads as goalie pads. No mask, no chest protector. (they wore a cup..they were not stupid).

That type of turnout was quite often.

Then, new comers, The Bourque brothers and Miami, the Burriuto brothers and even the Bobbie brothers. Then Ray MacDonell, Mykel Jaworiwsky and Dan Connelly. Then Chris Girard, Gerald Finnerty, Barry Morris, Rich Ditty. Then Dean Colasanti, Mark Jennings, Mike Menzel, Chad Comartin, Johnny Salaris and shortly after that Mike Edgar. Now, Shane Renaud,  Now Sammy Salaris, Dave Crawford and Andy Brewin.  I have seen them come and go, but now instead of 8 guys, 22!  (I know I missed out on many names, but I think you get my point)

You can see the excitement in Steven Jaworiwsky’s eyes as he sets out to make the teams, to make sure everyone is playing, happy and has a sense of belonging. “It’s all about the love”, he says to me, as he walks to his truck, “Guys loving to be with each other and share a story and a beer and a smoke. The hockey is secondary, it’s a sense of belonging and being part of a gang. All you need is love. People want to say that I have been the glue that has held this thing together, but thank George Metulynsky for suggesting it, thank, every guy who has come through the door to play but more so have a beer and laugh, thank every guy, who waits for Tuesday night on Wednesday morning, those are the guys you thank”. He concludes and closes the door to his truck and drives out of the parking lot.

I stand there, thinking, he’s right. It’s the before hockey, and after hockey that counts. And then I realize, after he is already crossing Walker Road, I say outloud for no one to hear, ”Hey……I never got to put my Harry Ballsonue!”

Lovie Four-Peats with the Sunnyville Huskies & Controversy with the Polish Ref and the Time Keeper

Posted by Youngblood on March 30, 2011
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Players don’t like the mini tournament & LaBamba Solid on and off the Floor

…by Harry Ballsonue

Snow Squalls: Snowpants, Crow, Cribz, Bulldog, Sparky, Hollywood and Jingles

Sunnyville Huskies: LaBamba, Lovie, Rocky, Shamus, Falcon and Doc

Stevo’s Stingrays: Stevo, Chevy, Razor, Junior, the Matador, the Rake and Killer

Playing in only half the tournament, Lovie Edgar four peated on Tuesday night, winning his fourth mini tournament, playing for the Sunnyside Huskies, “It is an honour to be bestowed on me, I have to thank my teammates, I am only one player, and there is no I in team” Lovie had said.

In a second controversy in as many tournaments, the Polish ref and time keeper, kept stopped time, in the second set of games and playing 7 minute periods, it was to be 5 minute, no stop time periods for the last three games. “I did not know, no one told me”, stated a bewildered Kevin ‘Jingle’ Kuprowski. “It is my fault, I assumed he knew, I take full responsibility for it” indicated mini tournament organizer and hated man, Stevo Jaworiwsky. The controversy was that the Stevo Sting Rays were leading 3-2 with what appeared to be no time left on the clock, but when inquires were made, Kuprowski stated that 2 minutes and 9 seconds still remained in the period, but two and half minutes before, he had indicated that there were 2 minutes and 36 seconds left. The Huskies scored a goal to tie the game and then the game was stopped. It was kept a tie so the Husky fans would not demonstrate in the streets, turn over cars and burn buildings.  When Junior was asked about it, he had this to say: ” The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy My brothers. And you will know My name is the Lord when I lay My vengeance upon thee”.

And speaking of the mini tournament, it has been made open by a number of players that they do not like the mini tournament format, Mike Menzel, Ken Cribley, Ray MacDonell and Chad Comartin all very respected Windsor Tomcats do not enjoy the format. “I just don’t like the sitting around” indicated Mike Menzel. When I spoke to the very much hated Stevo Jaworiwsky, for organizing these events,  he was confused and a bit taken back by the fact that guys did not like the tournament, “I don’t know what to say”, Jaworiwsky said, holding back tears, “I try to make it the best I can for everyone, I don’t know what to do then, do we tell players that they are no longer needed? If we do that, who do we cut”? Jaworiwsky asked. One option, as suggested by Ken Cribley would be to have the first 18 guys play, “guys know it starts at 6:30, first 18 through the fire escape door play” Cribley had suggested. “I don’t know what we should do” stated Rocky Comartin, then added, “what would some options be?” Some options would be  to cut roster players for next year. It could be done by the attendance list from the start of the year. “We invited 5 new players this year to play full time, Soupy, Crow, Doc, Skippy and Shamus because attendance had dwindled off last year. This year we had injuries at the start of the season with Louis Koenigsberger and Paul Poisson” Stevo Jaworiwsky had stated. Poisson only made his very first appearance last night for the year.

If you ask me, I like the format, guys seem to work hard and they get a good cardio workout going. Out of the 24 weeks the Tomcats play, they have had 4 mini tournaments, that means 20 Tuesdays’ they had regular hockey and correct me if I’m wrong on March 8 there were no spares. So the only solution would be to those who do not like it, when you show up, say, “ahhh mini tournament, I’m out of here” and leave.

 Like it or not, 95% of the guys were still on stage at quarter to ten having a pop, even Bulldog and Rocky stayed and had a vodka drink, so something has to be right with the Tuesday night hockey….even if it is just socializing and what’s wrong with that?

As customary, in the mini tournament, the three star selection was made: #3 Razor MacDonell, #2 Falcon Menzel and #1 Hollywood Jaworiwsky.

One star that needs mentioning, even though he was dressed quite weird last night, with some sort of Los Angeles Skid Row look going on (just missing the shopping cart) was Vince ‘LaBamba’ Vlaminck, who was super solid on the Kapusta Kow Floor playing his usual Nick Linstrom way and then pulled a super solid at Purples and ordered pizza for the boys. The super solid star goes to LaBamba Vlaminck!!

And speaking of solid, Skippy Renaud’s night for beer, still out with the hand injury, has his case of Tyskie (Premium Beer from Poland) dropped off at the Kapusta Kow, the man just does not go with a regular case of Molson Canadian..he goes with a tasty beer from Europe and two more solids to add, David “Crow” Crawford and Matty ‘the Matador’ Youssef brought 15 Bud Light ‘just because’. This is the Tomcat Spirit alive and very very well. You got to love these boys….I know Tomcats won’t be cutting these guys!!!
 

And I wonder, if Stevo was not there one night and 22 guys showed up would you play a tournament or play with 6 spares aside I wonder this, as you are leaving in a huff because too many guys showed up as I put my Harry Ballsonue!

Two Games, Two Squads, Twelve Honest Men

Posted by Youngblood on March 24, 2011
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Low Turnout Night at the Kupusta Kow Palace Exceedes Spectator’s Expectations

 Assoc. Press Windsor, ON – Your Windsor Tomcats were in full flight Tuesday night as Rocky’s White Guy Jumpings took on Snowpants’ Back in Blacks.

The teams broke down as follows:

White Guy Jumping: Sunny, Falcon, Youngblood, Doc, Rocky, Shamus
Back in Blacks: Snowpants, Razor, Soupy, Chevy, Louis, Sparky

Game 1: White 7 Black 4
Game 2: White 7 Black 6

A strange air hung on the night (even prior to Falcon’s hockey bag being opened) as the Tomcat’s began to arrive through the player’s entrance. Despite being the 400th consecutive sold out night at the Palace, the boys were without longtime mainstays such as the likes of Stevo, Hollywood, George, Bulldog, and Lovie. As the teams took to the floor, the look Sparky’s face could tell you that the Tomcats did not aim to disappoint.

With only one spare a side the action started on the conservative side. Game one started out evenly, with goals from both sides being returned in kind. Later questioned, Razor and Menzel both deny a conspiracy to produce a tie on the night and ensure their ‘ProLine’ tickets paid out big.

Despite Soupy looking to dipsy-dangle (his words, not mine) around and embarrass his older relation Sunny, experience won the day and White ended up taking Game 1 7 – 4.

The boys milled back onto the stage.

Without the Stevos of the Tomcats around, the boys forgot that a game two was supposed to be played until Shamus cracked beer number 8. “Oh shit!” yelled Razor, “LET”S GO!!!”.

Black come out flying in Game Two with the whole team contributing to the offence.  Chevy was crankin and Snowpants was flankin. Louis and Sparky held the fort on the backend. Soupy was seen chucking on the bench: “We have this one in the bag…I’m going to head out early a sell a few dining room sets to celebrate”.

My memory might be suffering from the Tomcat syndrome known as the MGD Haze, but Black went up a seemingly insurmountable 5 – 1.

Controversy strikes! Youngblood sniped the top corner on Razor, but the goal was immediately waved off – and Youngblood conceded – as it really having hit the post. A Post-Mortem CSI style investigation later revealed the upper corner mesh to be so tightly wound (like Jingle’s female conquests – who was also a healthy scratch on the night) that the ball could have easily been in – or out. In any event, play continued. Soupy popped in a backhander while the net was off an eigth of a degree. Windsor being a proud city of machinists, we all know that a fraction of a degree off may as well be a football feild. Sunny conceded the goal to his younger self and play continued.

Rocky was heard on White’s bench rallying the troops. Doc played though the pain to help White come back. The wheels came off of Back in Blacks Crazy Train. Chevy bounced two own goals in – off Youngblood and Shamus. New technology acquired by the Tomcats Committee for Innovation, Technology, and Women allows us to watch video of the event:

Menzel shut things down and with the game notched at 6 goals a side Sunny became a man on a mission. Taking a long shot, Shamus took a whack at a rebound and the ball found its way onto Youngbloods stick where the game was sealed for White.

The boys retired to the stage to view iPhone pictures of Sparky’s hot dancing partner in Dancing with the Windsor Stars (which is not, as I had assumed, dancing lessons from the editorial staff of our local news agency). There was plenty of beer to go around, as Soupy and Louis broght ‘fine’ beers and they have now repaid their debt to Tomcat society.

Despite no Purples, the night was a success with Rocky and Sparky administering the Tomcats like pros.

In all, a success. And all rumors of relocation to Winnipeg are now squashed.

So, the next time I see you, can you remind me where my Dick Gozinya?

MAKING AN EXIT

Posted by Youngblood on March 17, 2011
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Tuesday was an historic night for Tomcat Nation as the 3rd ever mini-tournament was held. The stage was abuzz as the captains selected their squads. Well, ok. Not really. Most guys were putting on jocks, creaming up their guitar string tight hammies with Icy Hot or slumped in a chair having a pregame cocktail.

“I play better when I grease the wheels” said Razor as he poured a golden MGD down his piehole. “Just make sure the wheels don’t come off” said Lovie. “I just drafted your ass…”

The teams were very even as they have been for each of the tourneys and the play was fast. Kael Critchlow stepped in on very short notice and showed no signs of rust. He did take a few minutes to get the speed of the shots down, but it did not hurt him as Lovie’s crew did not hit the net with a shot until the second period. He was cat-like in the crease and will certainly be even tougher to beat next time.

Stevo was a bit perturbed as he did not have his usual compadre Crow setting him up all night. “This sucks not having Crow here. I miss him like crazy. He completes me…” mumbled Stevo as he wandered aimlessly behind the curtain between games. “Fuck that” said Doc. “Stevo must have some dirt on Crow the way he sets him up every week. Where’s mine? Apparently my wings aren’t good enough to merit a few goalmouth feeds”

    The teams were as follows:

Lovieville Flyers: Lovie, Soupy, Chevy, Razor, Jingles, Youngblood and Doc
Husky Eyes Hammers: Spinner, Rocky, Hurricane, Sparky, Killer and Kael
Stevos Devos: Stevo, Snowpants, Shamus, Yuri, Bulldog and Hollywood

The tourney came down to the final game between Stevo and Husky Eyes. Yellow needed to win by 5 or more to catch Lovie’s guys. Sunny must have had one hell of a pregame pep talk as they came out and pumped 5 goals in the first 6 minutes. Yuri gave some insight on Sunny’s tactics for raising their game. “Pep talk? Bullshit. He said he’d ram us in the ass over the beer cooler if we didn’t perform. Fucking Greeks”. Whatever it took the boys played like a house on fire. Stevo and his charges had a strong start to period 2 and looked like they were climbing back in the game to make the impossible possible before the Hammers put the hammer down so to speak. This gave Lovie’s team their third straight mini tournament victory. “He can have the minis” said Hurricane. “Lovie is always a bridesmaid and never a bride. He doesn’t perform at the real dance like I do”. Chevy stepped in at this point and began showing off all his championship rings to Hann, who turned away and double-checked that his wallet was still sealed tight…

Razor showed his true class by bringing his now-traditional rye along with the amber, sudsy stuff. Vic showed his class by pouring for all the guys while they partook in the friendly and sexually-themed banter. It was a good night for beers with a very strong showing on stage and at the pub.

The highlight of the night had to be Vic making his exit (or attempting to) from Purples. Still glowing from his reenactment of Brian Johnson doing Have a Drink on Me (now on the jukebox at the bar. Save your loonies boys…) Snowy attempted to make the usual quick back-door exit like he and the band used to do back in the day. Unfortunately for Vic, Purple’s kitchen has no corridor to the outside world. To save face he curled up beside the pizza oven for about an hour hoping to sneak out quietly after a few minutes. This of course, did not happen as all the boys moved their chairs to the wall side of the tables and stared at the kitchen door waiting…for an hour and 15 minutes. Finally, George coaxed Vic out of hiding. “Come on out you silly fuck”. “Oh yeah, make me a fucking turkey pot pie while you’re in there. Hold the peas and carrots, you know how I feel about vegetables” George chuckled. Vic came out sheepishly but was embraced by the group. You can have some fun, but how can you not love a guy like Snowy? He’s a great guy. Razor sat smiling as he enjoyed the thought of being the guy that introduced Vic to the Tomcats. “I look for guys that can do it on the floor, in the bar and on the stage” said Razor looking very GM-like. “The karaoke is just a bonus” added Razor. “That’s nothing. I have done it all those places and more” replied Doc. “I’ve also tried beds, couches, a trapeze, liberator, shower, hot tub, Stevos kitchen table, numerous planes and a porta-potty” Doc continued as he counted on his fingers for reference.

News and notes reported by Hollywood:
1. Dave Hann had an epiphany last night. He has now been introduced to the world wide interweb and the Tomcats website. “Have I been written about?” asked Hurricane. “Oh yes”, said Sparky. “Maybe you shouldn’t read the site after all”. Reportedly Dave learned a few things on his first visit to cyberspace. Naughty Allie lives up to her name, Gretzky got traded. To LA…and how to keep “winning” like Charlie Sheen.

2. Due to rounds of drinks and AC DC covers, Doc and Snowy achieved something most of us only dream about. The Tomcats Forever lyrics were changed to include their names. There was not a dry eye in the house. OK, maybe the guy in the crazy tight jeans with the huge JLo ass and leather vest, but I think that is an optical disorder…

3. Sparky was a welcome addition to the night as he has been missed. He did show some rust in his wit as he accidentally let out the fact that he had to chose between songs done by Pink or Enrique. George replied with his usual soft touch. “Some fucking choice that is. I would chose to stab myself repeatedly in both ears with scissors before listening to those assholes”

4. Speaking of George, there is some talk that he could gain another nickname due to his never-ending jokes and funny comments each week. “Rickles” was bandied about by the guys and had some interest. When mentioned to George he issued an official “Fuck off”.
5. Bulldog gave Lovie the gears over his man crush on Youngblood as yet again, Lovie picked Andy for his team. “It’s the chops” said Lovie, “hey, I’m only human”.

6. This weeks gauge of the Husky Eyes GM-o-meter spiked like crazy due to a very strong night from Soupy. Sunny was very angry that Lovie drafted the young Salaris from under his nose, which did not subside after Soupy led the team to victory and somehow missed out on a star. “I don’t get it”, said a despondent Lovie. “When Sunny came over to rail my wife today he never even said hello. Normally he gives me a high five and has me get him a couple beers. Today, he didn’t even look my way”.

7. The Tomcats Forever song has gained some emphatic fisting movements in 2 parts of the world-renowned anthem. These are probably due to the fact that Stevo has been recently introduced to the “categories” section of Youporn.

As stated earlier it was a great showing after hockey and many drinks were enjoyed. Kael is certainly an all-star when it comes to drinks as he stayed until the bitter end with the boys. It was great to see Vic, Hurricane, Soupy and Jingles hang out late as well. One day we will get Shamus back there to feel the magic. Bloggy will offer no real praise to Sparky, Doc, Hollywood, Stevo, Youngblood, Lovie and Razor as the fact that they stayed late is the furthest thing from news. It is a nasty habit that will land them a wing at Brentwood someday. Great guys, great times. Let’s do it again soon. Tomcats Forever.

Bloggy Bloggerstein

“Thin to Win”

Posted by Youngblood on March 10, 2011
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… by Bloggy Bloggerstein

Tuesday night was very thin by the usual standards with one spare per team. Some players had work commitments, some had lame-ass excuses like “I lost my big red muscle man wife-beater and can’t play without it”, some may still be recovering from the strained twitter they received while ballet dancing instead of playing a goddamn manly sport like hockey and a few were no-call no-shows…Glug glug…

Due to a drunken but impassioned plea from Snowpants to Mrs.
Commissioner, Michelle Jaworiwsky, at Brewin’s bash, Stevo finally caved and put he and the Snowpanted one on the same squad.

Vic was so excited he instantly put on his new-found sunglasses (which were on top of the piano where he left them on tournament day, right beside a shitty-looking Value Village sleeveless number that Ricky wouldn’t wear at Sunnyvale) and ripped into a solid version of “Have a Drink on Me” by AC/DC.

The games were very competitive, with Team White prevailing 6-7, 7-3, 7-6. The Blacks were Stevo, Sunny, Snowy, Doc, Shamus and Razor.
Whites were Chevy, Boomba, Georgie Porgy Pudding and Pie, Soupy, Lovie and everyone’s favourite DJ, Hollywood Casey Kasem.

Random thoughts:

Hollywood overcame a rough start to solidify the White team. After one particularly good glove save on Sunny he replied smoothly “There’s a long distance…dedication”

Sunny intercepted every stinking goddamn pass that was attempted anywhere inside a 20 ft radius of him. It reminded Lovie of playing against Crispy. After the game Salaris continued to show off his stellar hand-eye coordination. He cozied up behind Razor and said “feel my thumb?”, to which Razor replied sheepishly “uh, yes”. Johnny threw out both hands and gave a rousing “TADAH”!

Shamus was very hard on himself. Even though he buried a number of goals he didn’t feel it was his best effort and he left after only half a beer.

Doc pissed off more than one Tomcat with his defensive play. More than once a White defenseman snuck up into the slot, drooling as a sweet pass headed their way only to have their stick lifted by the back- checking Brewin. “Hey Doc, we don’t have a Selke award, so get off my fucking back and chill out with the defence” said George

Sammy Soupy Salaris had the in-tight control going last night. He was dazzling guys with his soft mittens and sneaking dekes into the low corners. Sunny was the only one not impressed by the showing. “Fuck that” said Salaris as he cross-checked Soupy across the lower back and drove him head-first into the Snowpants Escort billboard, “see if you can deke from your head”. Funny enough, he did just that and buried his 15th of the night.

Vince Boomba made a rare appearance and showed no rust at all, playing a great game. He took a filthy high stick above the eye from Shamus early on that opened up like a mega sized bag of Doritos thrown in front of Rita McNeil. Vince stuffed a balled-up t-shirt (yes, Junior’s of course) in the gaping hole and continued to play. “Are you sure we shouldn’t go over to Met and get that stitched up?” said Stevo. “Not unless they allow road pops in the fucking waiting room” replied Boomba. What a true hockey guy.

Chevy earned man-of-the-match status in a unanimous decision. From his play, you might ask? No, he wasn’t anything to write home about. But he did bring beer as well as an assortment of polish sausage, cheese and crackers. That, my friends, is what makes you popular in the Tomcat world. Much like cigarettes in prison, beer is the currency of the Tomcats

George gave everyone a history lesson on paczkis as apparently his buddy started the tradition in Hamtramck around 20 years ago. It was delicious and educational all at the same time. George then proceeded to lob out one-liners faster than Don Rickles on Viagra and the boys laughed the night away…

Most of the Tomcats Resume the Tuesday night Hockey thing…

Posted by Youngblood on March 10, 2011
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But some don’t show up? Fines?

…by Harry Ballsonue

Hellcats; Lovie, Hollywood, Soupy, Chevy, The Turk, La Bamba
Blackcats: Stevo, Sunny, Razor, Shamus, Doc, Snowpants
NO SHOW NO CALL: Bulldog, Youngblood, Spinner and Louis the Rake

Hellcats end up winning, with stellar goaltending from Mykel Jaworiwsky, 6-7. 7-4 and 7-6

It was a slower pace, then a week ago, at the tournament, but the teams were fair and the goal scorers had their chances, but both Razor MacDonell and Mykel Jaworiwsky were up to the task and some pretty gosh darn good saves were made.

Snowpants ‘Swifter’ Ferranti spend almost as much time on his knees on the floor of the Kapausta Kow as he did in his running shoes. Chevy brought his 24 of Moosehead and treated everyone to some nice Kolbassa and cheese, classy move by a classy guy. (I am told that Razor has his beer next week and he is brining some rye along…classy guy, with another classy move) Soupy Salaris, who missed his beer night, brought a 112 of MGD and will have to bring another 12,. some time in the distant future. Shamus, the Prince that he is, brought 12 Corona and then left after having only one beer, “I’m going to see a chick”, he said on stage and then dashed out, fumbling for condoms.

Lovie was on fire, netting a number of goals for the Hellcats, “They seemed to be going in, where were those, on the 26th of February” Lovie had asked.

One spare aside, after a great tournament, attendance always falls off. LaBamba and the Matador have been told that they can start coming out, full time, just for the rest of the year, as Zippy Renaud is out with a broken hand, apparently suffered on a Lovie Edgar snap shot.

The no shows were somewhat of a concern as perhaps they thought there was no more hockey, with the tournament done. “The Tomcats will be waiting to see what they have to say for them selves, we did not receive word that they would not be playing” indicated General Manager Gerald Finnerty. $5.00 fines will be imposed.

As the boys sat on stage, sipping a beer, they discussed, Family ties, Cheers and other classic t.v. shows, Stevo Jaworiwsky admitted to crying in the episode where Archie Bunkers wife Edith dies and as he gives away her clothing, he finds her slippers. Snowpants Ferranti admitted to crying to a Cheers Episode when Diane leaves Sam, a Partridge Family Show where Lauri hears music on her braces, A Brady Bunch show, when Peter knocks over a lamp and the famous saying is said, “mom always said, don’t play ball in the house” and to a Seinfeld Episode when Morty has his wallet stolen in the Doctor’s office, “I just felt for Morty, how would he pay for lunch”, Snowpants said.

For those that don’t know, hockey has started up again. It is a 6:30 start. Tomcats play till April 19 the on April 26 the outdoor game is to be held. Tomcats ruled that there would be no new Out Door Game t-shirt this year, so the cost to play is $10, then back to the Dom Polski (Polish Hall) for pizza and a beer or two.

For the four that did not call or email Stevo, I can’t wait to get my Harry Ballsonue.

Terrific Tourney

Posted by Youngblood on February 27, 2011
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(Harry Palm Press):

WOW, hope you were able to scalp a ticket to this tourney, because it was a classic combination of steller goals and even stingier goaltending. Speaking of goaltending, the four goalies combined sported a very low 3.83 G.A.A – no wonder scores were so low this year, and generally they are with the top two duo of the Falcon and Razor standing tall in net.

Did you hear the `Play the ball“ yelled out a few times – It did get a bit “Shovey`(No not that Shovey) out there a few times – no wonder play was very intense. Harry BALLSONUE may have reported on the scores and Rocky`s Wings winning it all this year, but there is always more to a story. How about three first timers to drink from the coveted cup….Victor `Snowpants“ FERRANTI, Matty `The Matador`YOUSSEF, and Shane `Skippy`RENAUD. Three very junior players in the Tomcat organization.

I caught up with the Falcon later and was asking him how he thought this year went – I mean why not, the guys got a ring for every finger. It was like looking into the sun staring at those hands. Anyway falcon summed it up nicely `back in the day we didn`t have the superstars we do today – I mean it used to be who ever got Chevy was a lock to go to the championship game. Now we`ve really upped the game and gotten alot of young stars – look at the Crow, or Shamus – I mean we`re loaded with talent now, and play has gotten way better – even the shots and set ups are spot on“. The Falcon went on and congratulated the winning Rocky`s Wings, and spoke of Skippy taking this years MVP. “I watched him in warmups, and he just seemed to be stopping everything – I was trying to convince everyone them that he was here to play – crazy considering the guys will tell you he`s weak in giving up the five hole“. Classy guy that Falcon, who went 1-2-0 with a stingy 3.3 G.A.A.

Prior to the championship game the Kings and Wings faced off in a game that didn`t really matter – they already both knew they would meet for the cup. That game ended fittingly enough in a 7-7 tie. When the marbles were on the line, the Kings came out supreme behing steller shut out goaltending and the Matador doing a nice job late in the game by playing the ball and killing the clock. It was like watching a cat play with a ball of yarn. Matty was later overheard saying, “I just kept waiting to be planted into the wall`.

Congrats to all teams, who with the exception of the Wings will be reshullfled next year in an other quest to drink from the cup. Since I am on a roll with predictions – being almost spot on with the tourney results – AND the sighting of KOWALCZYKOWSKI taking part as a ref (Hey I did say he`d be on the game floor – But even I didn`t expect that), I think Falcon is right – talent is going up, and I don`t think we`ll ever see another dynasty like team Belarus (2005-2007 Champs). That being said, I`ll wait to see how the 3 new captains picks pan out before I try to predict another tourney result.

Predictions aside, who really who would have predicted Skippy palying for not 1, but 2 shut outs (Quite possibly a Tomcat Tourney record). When I asked him about it, he`d start to say something, but break down. Earlier in the day he was babling somthing about taking a big dump prior to the first game, whatever works I guess. Rumour has it he hasn`t let go of the cup yet, and keeps talking to it (Crist another Lord of the ring nut). We`re off for a week, the outdoor tourney is around the corner, and the Danish is in, despite a hard tourny. Danish was quite ok with the events – “I was worried about playing well – and overall I thought I did ok for my 1st Tomcat tourney – The guys were great in supporting me, and I look forward to continuing to work on my form and break into the top spot real soon“. Well the Danish and the rest of the boys will be able to display all their skills on the BIG rink – Tickets have already sold out for the outdoor classic – Just another sign of how many stars the Tomcats do have playing for them.

O, By the way – I did join in on the celebrations at Purples, but unfortunately none of the chicks wanted to put their HANDZONMECAC.

Yurri.

Old Blood, Youngblood’s Extremely Lucky Moment and the Old Adventures of the Same Old Shovey

Posted by Youngblood on February 24, 2011
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Tuesday night ball hockey unfolded pretty much as you might expect. Guys coasting trying not to get hurt, no one backchecking, everyone trying to stay injury free, what a bunch of pansies! The entrance of some old blood just did nothing to spark the non-competitive fires. George brought his buddy Andy out and he did manage to outshine George on this night. He is a solid player who looked like a freaking superstar among the likes of someone like Lovie. Lovie gimped around like he had been smacked with a 2×4 from Hacksaw Jim Duggan for fuck sakes!!

Both Old Andy and Youngblood Andy did buy a round for the boys at Purples after the game and that puts them at the front of the line in the “Good Guy” department. After the second round of pints we were looking around for Snowpants. When Doc said he felt some heavy breathing against his shin, we all looked under the table and guess who we saw? Snowpants was looking for a third free round and was ready to service whoever the first person was to pull out their wallet. Needless to say, Razors mutant glove hand went into overdrive reaching for some cash and everyone there left with a smile on their face.

Getting back to the hockey, the teams were as follows (not swallows…Snowy!):

White: Falcon, Taintedblood, Dodge, Blowpants, Dribs, Ya Want Vegetables…Go Eat a Salad, and old Andy

Black: Razor, Bollywood, Shocky, Dovie, Croc, Blameus and Shingles

As the night unfolded, it was hard to say if we were looking at the Windsor Tomcats or the Windsor Wildcats. The goaltending was mediocre, with both Razor and the Flacon needing SPF 500 after the first game.
Jingles showed up late as he had just taken a cab back from a full weekend of sliding at the bunny hill at Malden Park. He still had his helmet on and that seemed to give him the green light to kick his aggressive level up a notch.
After team White emerged victorious from the first game, team Black woke up and came out aggressively in game 2. Knotted at 6-6, Taintedblood, his Beatles mop a’ flyin’, beat Razor with a real floater. Taintedbloods celebration got a little out of hand when he grabbed Falcons junk and started singing “I Wanna Hold Your Hand.” Speaking with Razor afterwards he explained the goal this way, “I was facing big blasts all night and when this balloon ball came floating in, my reflexes kicked in and I moved TOO fast for the shot. I’m kinda like Chuck Norris that way.”

Now as for after the game, I have to admit that I wasn’t privy to the midget tapping convo between Blameus and Shingles, but I’m not surprised it took place. Both boys are in sore need of an oil change. George came out of his man cave in mid-midget conversation and said ” You guys go from talking about vegetables on a pizza to tossing salad? Let it go boys.”

Rest up men, for the time is nye, it’s Tournament time, kiss your mothers goodbye!

I’m Hugh Janus, signing off…