Low Turnout Night at the Kupusta Kow Palace Exceedes Spectator’s Expectations

 Assoc. Press Windsor, ON – Your Windsor Tomcats were in full flight Tuesday night as Rocky’s White Guy Jumpings took on Snowpants’ Back in Blacks.

The teams broke down as follows:

White Guy Jumping: Sunny, Falcon, Youngblood, Doc, Rocky, Shamus
Back in Blacks: Snowpants, Razor, Soupy, Chevy, Louis, Sparky

Game 1: White 7 Black 4
Game 2: White 7 Black 6

A strange air hung on the night (even prior to Falcon’s hockey bag being opened) as the Tomcat’s began to arrive through the player’s entrance. Despite being the 400th consecutive sold out night at the Palace, the boys were without longtime mainstays such as the likes of Stevo, Hollywood, George, Bulldog, and Lovie. As the teams took to the floor, the look Sparky’s face could tell you that the Tomcats did not aim to disappoint.

With only one spare a side the action started on the conservative side. Game one started out evenly, with goals from both sides being returned in kind. Later questioned, Razor and Menzel both deny a conspiracy to produce a tie on the night and ensure their ‘ProLine’ tickets paid out big.

Despite Soupy looking to dipsy-dangle (his words, not mine) around and embarrass his older relation Sunny, experience won the day and White ended up taking Game 1 7 – 4.

The boys milled back onto the stage.

Without the Stevos of the Tomcats around, the boys forgot that a game two was supposed to be played until Shamus cracked beer number 8. “Oh shit!” yelled Razor, “LET”S GO!!!”.

Black come out flying in Game Two with the whole team contributing to the offence.  Chevy was crankin and Snowpants was flankin. Louis and Sparky held the fort on the backend. Soupy was seen chucking on the bench: “We have this one in the bag…I’m going to head out early a sell a few dining room sets to celebrate”.

My memory might be suffering from the Tomcat syndrome known as the MGD Haze, but Black went up a seemingly insurmountable 5 – 1.

Controversy strikes! Youngblood sniped the top corner on Razor, but the goal was immediately waved off – and Youngblood conceded – as it really having hit the post. A Post-Mortem CSI style investigation later revealed the upper corner mesh to be so tightly wound (like Jingle’s female conquests – who was also a healthy scratch on the night) that the ball could have easily been in – or out. In any event, play continued. Soupy popped in a backhander while the net was off an eigth of a degree. Windsor being a proud city of machinists, we all know that a fraction of a degree off may as well be a football feild. Sunny conceded the goal to his younger self and play continued.

Rocky was heard on White’s bench rallying the troops. Doc played though the pain to help White come back. The wheels came off of Back in Blacks Crazy Train. Chevy bounced two own goals in – off Youngblood and Shamus. New technology acquired by the Tomcats Committee for Innovation, Technology, and Women allows us to watch video of the event:

Menzel shut things down and with the game notched at 6 goals a side Sunny became a man on a mission. Taking a long shot, Shamus took a whack at a rebound and the ball found its way onto Youngbloods stick where the game was sealed for White.

The boys retired to the stage to view iPhone pictures of Sparky’s hot dancing partner in Dancing with the Windsor Stars (which is not, as I had assumed, dancing lessons from the editorial staff of our local news agency). There was plenty of beer to go around, as Soupy and Louis broght ‘fine’ beers and they have now repaid their debt to Tomcat society.

Despite no Purples, the night was a success with Rocky and Sparky administering the Tomcats like pros.

In all, a success. And all rumors of relocation to Winnipeg are now squashed.

So, the next time I see you, can you remind me where my Dick Gozinya?