This week featured yet another mini-tourney with some great hockey. The first game, between Stevo and Snowpants was the finest hockey seen at the Palace in some time. The action was end-to-end and the goaltending was absolutely stellar. Stevo scored a ridiculously sweet goal on an amazing deke that only he could score. Somewhere in Tampa Stevie Y was smiling the moment “Stevo Franchise” juked, jived and buried the biscuit. His posed stare into the rafters only made the goal more legendary. Bulldog drove home the winner into the top corner on a great drive to the net. It was just a great hockey game for the ages…

Bearcat showed absolutely no rust coming out after weeks off. He may have stolen Sparky’s WD-40…He certainly showed his class by bringing out beer “just because”. Hollywood continued to enhance his already stellar image by bringing more beer than he needed to as well as working with Falcon to act as ringleader for Stevo’s birthday gift from the boys. Of course, Hollywood got the whisky while Falcon used his experience with porn to dive deep into the bargain bin for Granny Gums. Not happy with the regular version, he went for the higher model with more holes, more wrinkles, additional liver spots and removable dentures. Yes, you read that correctly. I can’t believe it and I just wrote it. Nothing but class Falcon! Attaboy. Speaking of class, Stevo was serenaded with a Marilyn-like version of happy birthday doled out by Razor…wearing nothing but a jock strap and his singing ability.

“Christ” said Junior, “Razor needs to do some fucking manscaping. It looked like he was trying to hide a wooly mammoth underneath a walnut shell”.

“I had to go to the hospital in the middle of the night” said a dejected Youngblood. “I must have taken a pube in the eye, it swelled up like a grade 9 boy who stumbles into the girl’s change room at shower time”.

“I enjoyed the spirit of it, but could have done without the sweaty ass-print on my slacks” said Captain Stevo. “That guy is a beauty”.

George was “on” again, getting the highest ratings on the laugh-o-meter as usual. Shamus is really finding his groove on stage. Even though he went down early in the tourney with a lower body injury he popped some pills to try and play. That was unsuccessful, but he stuck around to have drinks with the boys and celebrate his team’s win. Good stuff Shamus. Snowy had a big day at work Wednesday, but stuck around for some beer and whisky drinks with the boys. Junior and Razor looked like they were going to go nose-to-nose briefly but ended up laughing and sharing a Golden Pheasant. Rocky was a stud in the tourney, really picking up his play when 1st round draft pick Shamus went down to injury. Snowy and Sunny looked like Hall and Oates out there threading passes back and forth. No, not the Maneaters, the other ones who play hockey. Louis and Killer had some great battles in the corner, the best being in the back corner of the stage while debating the merits of doggy-style vs the council of the cow. I read a missing poster on my milk carton the other day. It had Falcon’s ass on it…

At one point in the games Stevo and George met behind the net and took part in a heated battle for the ball. It looked like two majestic rams with steam pouring from their nostrils, rising to meet each other in a powerful charge. Or maybe two Heavy Metal-type cartoon Gods with swords clanging. Or even better, two Champion-caliber heavyweight boxers slugging it out to the delight of the crowd. When this was brought up between games by Louis, Stevo replied “George had the ball and I lifted his stick and took the ball, that’s all”.  I tend to agree with Louis, it was a great moment between two veterans, the two veteran pillars of the Tomcat organization. Stevo gave George props on the stage, stating that “George wanted to play some basketball. That’s how all this started so many years ago. Along with Hollywood, we are like the trinity”.

There was a strong crowd onstage yet again and the chatter went on late as is recently the standard. A small, but committed contingent zipped over to Purples afterward. Sunny Salaris had the night off and wanted to soak in the Purples experience that he normally misses due to work commitments. He showed his generosity by grabbing the first round. Hollywood darted directly to the jukebox, which is a welcome addition in my opinion. Nothing goes better with beers and hanging with the boys like music. Oh yeah, some talk of former conquests is good too, but is still better with tunes. Holly went heavy on the ballads to the delight of everyone in the bar. The guy in the old-school purple Purples jacket was even rocking out up at the bar. Hurricane explained that hearing INXS gives him an urge to throw his belt around his neck and dive into the broom closet to masturbate furiously while strung up on a footstool. I guess that’s just how he rolls…

Sparky showed up on stage even though he is busy trying to get his dance partner to go commando next round and Doc showed up at Purples after work to have a drink.

The boys floated out into the evening on the notes of Never Tear Us Apart. Amen to that…

Bloggy Bloggerstein

Tuesday was an historic night for Tomcat Nation as the 3rd ever mini-tournament was held. The stage was abuzz as the captains selected their squads. Well, ok. Not really. Most guys were putting on jocks, creaming up their guitar string tight hammies with Icy Hot or slumped in a chair having a pregame cocktail.

“I play better when I grease the wheels” said Razor as he poured a golden MGD down his piehole. “Just make sure the wheels don’t come off” said Lovie. “I just drafted your ass…”

The teams were very even as they have been for each of the tourneys and the play was fast. Kael Critchlow stepped in on very short notice and showed no signs of rust. He did take a few minutes to get the speed of the shots down, but it did not hurt him as Lovie’s crew did not hit the net with a shot until the second period. He was cat-like in the crease and will certainly be even tougher to beat next time.

Stevo was a bit perturbed as he did not have his usual compadre Crow setting him up all night. “This sucks not having Crow here. I miss him like crazy. He completes me…” mumbled Stevo as he wandered aimlessly behind the curtain between games. “Fuck that” said Doc. “Stevo must have some dirt on Crow the way he sets him up every week. Where’s mine? Apparently my wings aren’t good enough to merit a few goalmouth feeds”

The teams were as follows:

Lovieville Flyers: Lovie, Soupy, Chevy, Razor, Jingles, Youngblood and Doc
Husky Eyes Hammers: Spinner, Rocky, Hurricane, Sparky, Killer and Kael
Stevos Devos: Stevo, Snowpants, Shamus, Yuri, Bulldog and Hollywood

The tourney came down to the final game between Stevo and Husky Eyes. Yellow needed to win by 5 or more to catch Lovie’s guys. Sunny must have had one hell of a pregame pep talk as they came out and pumped 5 goals in the first 6 minutes. Yuri gave some insight on Sunny’s tactics for raising their game. “Pep talk? Bullshit. He said he’d ram us in the ass over the beer cooler if we didn’t perform. Fucking Greeks”. Whatever it took the boys played like a house on fire. Stevo and his charges had a strong start to period 2 and looked like they were climbing back in the game to make the impossible possible before the Hammers put the hammer down so to speak. This gave Lovie’s team their third straight mini tournament victory. “He can have the minis” said Hurricane. “Lovie is always a bridesmaid and never a bride. He doesn’t perform at the real dance like I do”. Chevy stepped in at this point and began showing off all his championship rings to Hann, who turned away and double-checked that his wallet was still sealed tight…

Razor showed his true class by bringing his now-traditional rye along with the amber, sudsy stuff. Vic showed his class by pouring for all the guys while they partook in the friendly and sexually-themed banter. It was a good night for beers with a very strong showing on stage and at the pub.

The highlight of the night had to be Vic making his exit (or attempting to) from Purples. Still glowing from his reenactment of Brian Johnson doing Have a Drink on Me (now on the jukebox at the bar. Save your loonies boys…) Snowy attempted to make the usual quick back-door exit like he and the band used to do back in the day. Unfortunately for Vic, Purple’s kitchen has no corridor to the outside world. To save face he curled up beside the pizza oven for about an hour hoping to sneak out quietly after a few minutes. This of course, did not happen as all the boys moved their chairs to the wall side of the tables and stared at the kitchen door waiting…for an hour and 15 minutes. Finally, George coaxed Vic out of hiding. “Come on out you silly fuck”. “Oh yeah, make me a fucking turkey pot pie while you’re in there. Hold the peas and carrots, you know how I feel about vegetables” George chuckled. Vic came out sheepishly but was embraced by the group. You can have some fun, but how can you not love a guy like Snowy? He’s a great guy. Razor sat smiling as he enjoyed the thought of being the guy that introduced Vic to the Tomcats. “I look for guys that can do it on the floor, in the bar and on the stage” said Razor looking very GM-like. “The karaoke is just a bonus” added Razor. “That’s nothing. I have done it all those places and more” replied Doc. “I’ve also tried beds, couches, a trapeze, liberator, shower, hot tub, Stevos kitchen table, numerous planes and a porta-potty” Doc continued as he counted on his fingers for reference.

News and notes reported by Hollywood:
1. Dave Hann had an epiphany last night. He has now been introduced to the world wide interweb and the Tomcats website. “Have I been written about?” asked Hurricane. “Oh yes”, said Sparky. “Maybe you shouldn’t read the site after all”. Reportedly Dave learned a few things on his first visit to cyberspace. Naughty Allie lives up to her name, Gretzky got traded. To LA…and how to keep “winning” like Charlie Sheen.

2. Due to rounds of drinks and AC DC covers, Doc and Snowy achieved something most of us only dream about. The Tomcats Forever lyrics were changed to include their names. There was not a dry eye in the house. OK, maybe the guy in the crazy tight jeans with the huge JLo ass and leather vest, but I think that is an optical disorder…

3. Sparky was a welcome addition to the night as he has been missed. He did show some rust in his wit as he accidentally let out the fact that he had to chose between songs done by Pink or Enrique. George replied with his usual soft touch. “Some fucking choice that is. I would chose to stab myself repeatedly in both ears with scissors before listening to those assholes”

4. Speaking of George, there is some talk that he could gain another nickname due to his never-ending jokes and funny comments each week. “Rickles” was bandied about by the guys and had some interest. When mentioned to George he issued an official “Fuck off”.
5. Bulldog gave Lovie the gears over his man crush on Youngblood as yet again, Lovie picked Andy for his team. “It’s the chops” said Lovie, “hey, I’m only human”.

6. This weeks gauge of the Husky Eyes GM-o-meter spiked like crazy due to a very strong night from Soupy. Sunny was very angry that Lovie drafted the young Salaris from under his nose, which did not subside after Soupy led the team to victory and somehow missed out on a star. “I don’t get it”, said a despondent Lovie. “When Sunny came over to rail my wife today he never even said hello. Normally he gives me a high five and has me get him a couple beers. Today, he didn’t even look my way”.

7. The Tomcats Forever song has gained some emphatic fisting movements in 2 parts of the world-renowned anthem. These are probably due to the fact that Stevo has been recently introduced to the “categories” section of Youporn.

As stated earlier it was a great showing after hockey and many drinks were enjoyed. Kael is certainly an all-star when it comes to drinks as he stayed until the bitter end with the boys. It was great to see Vic, Hurricane, Soupy and Jingles hang out late as well. One day we will get Shamus back there to feel the magic. Bloggy will offer no real praise to Sparky, Doc, Hollywood, Stevo, Youngblood, Lovie and Razor as the fact that they stayed late is the furthest thing from news. It is a nasty habit that will land them a wing at Brentwood someday. Great guys, great times. Let’s do it again soon. Tomcats Forever.

Bloggy Bloggerstein

… by Bloggy Bloggerstein

Tuesday night was very thin by the usual standards with one spare per team. Some players had work commitments, some had lame-ass excuses like “I lost my big red muscle man wife-beater and can’t play without it”, some may still be recovering from the strained twitter they received while ballet dancing instead of playing a goddamn manly sport like hockey and a few were no-call no-shows…Glug glug…

Due to a drunken but impassioned plea from Snowpants to Mrs.
Commissioner, Michelle Jaworiwsky, at Brewin’s bash, Stevo finally caved and put he and the Snowpanted one on the same squad.

Vic was so excited he instantly put on his new-found sunglasses (which were on top of the piano where he left them on tournament day, right beside a shitty-looking Value Village sleeveless number that Ricky wouldn’t wear at Sunnyvale) and ripped into a solid version of “Have a Drink on Me” by AC/DC.

The games were very competitive, with Team White prevailing 6-7, 7-3, 7-6. The Blacks were Stevo, Sunny, Snowy, Doc, Shamus and Razor.
Whites were Chevy, Boomba, Georgie Porgy Pudding and Pie, Soupy, Lovie and everyone’s favourite DJ, Hollywood Casey Kasem.

Random thoughts:

Hollywood overcame a rough start to solidify the White team. After one particularly good glove save on Sunny he replied smoothly “There’s a long distance…dedication”

Sunny intercepted every stinking goddamn pass that was attempted anywhere inside a 20 ft radius of him. It reminded Lovie of playing against Crispy. After the game Salaris continued to show off his stellar hand-eye coordination. He cozied up behind Razor and said “feel my thumb?”, to which Razor replied sheepishly “uh, yes”. Johnny threw out both hands and gave a rousing “TADAH”!

Shamus was very hard on himself. Even though he buried a number of goals he didn’t feel it was his best effort and he left after only half a beer.

Doc pissed off more than one Tomcat with his defensive play. More than once a White defenseman snuck up into the slot, drooling as a sweet pass headed their way only to have their stick lifted by the back- checking Brewin. “Hey Doc, we don’t have a Selke award, so get off my fucking back and chill out with the defence” said George

Sammy Soupy Salaris had the in-tight control going last night. He was dazzling guys with his soft mittens and sneaking dekes into the low corners. Sunny was the only one not impressed by the showing. “Fuck that” said Salaris as he cross-checked Soupy across the lower back and drove him head-first into the Snowpants Escort billboard, “see if you can deke from your head”. Funny enough, he did just that and buried his 15th of the night.

Vince Boomba made a rare appearance and showed no rust at all, playing a great game. He took a filthy high stick above the eye from Shamus early on that opened up like a mega sized bag of Doritos thrown in front of Rita McNeil. Vince stuffed a balled-up t-shirt (yes, Junior’s of course) in the gaping hole and continued to play. “Are you sure we shouldn’t go over to Met and get that stitched up?” said Stevo. “Not unless they allow road pops in the fucking waiting room” replied Boomba. What a true hockey guy.

Chevy earned man-of-the-match status in a unanimous decision. From his play, you might ask? No, he wasn’t anything to write home about. But he did bring beer as well as an assortment of polish sausage, cheese and crackers. That, my friends, is what makes you popular in the Tomcat world. Much like cigarettes in prison, beer is the currency of the Tomcats

George gave everyone a history lesson on paczkis as apparently his buddy started the tradition in Hamtramck around 20 years ago. It was delicious and educational all at the same time. George then proceeded to lob out one-liners faster than Don Rickles on Viagra and the boys laughed the night away…