Windsor Tomcats

May 31, 2021

By Chuck Fina

The Gordon’s Gin league returned to league play on May 31, 2021 after the most recent ridiculous lock down by Bubba Ford.  Cribzee was his usual stylin’, profilin’ and limousine ridin’ self. His driver took up two parking spots for his car and Cribzee again was clearly the best dressed player on tour. “ I usually take three or four spots but I only bought 2 parking passes for the season”, said Cribzee.

Other players on hand were May Day, Stevo, Mr. Bundura, The Big Easy, Chevy, Sea Lion and Hatchie.

Chevy, Cribzee, Stevo and Mr. Bundura were in the first group and May Day, The Sea Lion, The Big Easy and Hatchie were in the second four some. Interestingly enough, the first group completed their round in 3 hours, 6 minutes ( with 2 guys walking) while the second group completed their round in 6 hours, 3 minutes with all players riding.

“I don’t like going 1 minute over a 4-hour round”, said Commissioner May Day. The league is encouraging players to pay their rounds within 4 hours.

 After the round , May Day was looking for Stevo, who rode with May Day to the course so he could give Stevo a ride home. “ I actually picked Stevo up in Gesto. He decided to start walking back to Essex after his round was over”, said May Day. “ I should have left my clubs at May Day’s car. By the time I got to Gesto, I was going to start selling my clubs one at a time at the side of the road to make my golf bag lighter. But then May Day finally showed up and picked me up”, said Stevo. “ I was just glad I got home by the start of the third period”, said May Day.

Scores were May Day 105, Hatchie, 78, Big Easy 69, Sea Lion 72, Stevo 71, Mr. Bundura 72, Chevy 73, and Cribzee 75.

Be sure to text May Day by Wednesday at noon if you want in for the following Monday.

Meet Razor:

Your Favourite Athlete: Andre The Giant

Your favourite Golf ball: Penfold-type used by James Bond in the 1964 classic “Goldfinger”

Your favourite hockey player growing up:  Yvan Cournoyer

Your favourite present day hockey player: Manon Rheaume

Your favourite bands: The Eagles, Frankie Goes to Hollywood, The Black Crows

Your favourite movies: The Falcon and the Snowman, Rocky, LaBamba

A highlight from High School:  Inseminating the Home Ec. teacher

If you could do one thing for the Tomcats, what would you do: Clone Stevo

Your favourite Tomcat: The Rake (because we look so much alike)

Your Favourite Tomcat Moment:   Singing ‘Happy Birthday Mr. President’ to Stevo.

One thing you would like other Tomcats to know about you:   While I was singing to Steve, I was secretly hoping he would rip off my towel.

Meet Youngblood:

Your Favourite Golfer / Athlete: John Daly. I don’t know anything about golf, but I do know when it would be fun to have a beer with somebody.

Your favourite Golf ball (if you are a golfer) if not a golfer, your favourite sporting memory: The Golden Goal

Your favourite hockey player growing up: Steve Yzerman. Calm, objective, decisive.

Your favourite present day hockey player: Sidney Crosby. C’mon, even Brad Marchand likes him when he is winning Canada gold medals.

Your favourite band(s): Led Zeppelin, David Bowie, The White Stripes, Pink Floyd, The Pogues.

Your favourite movie(s): Moneyball, Rounders, Good Will Hunting

A highlight from High School: Semester of two spares, religion, and ‘earth science’.

If you could do one thing for the Tomcats, what would you do: Create an endowment to future-proof operations. Enough interest generated to fund 1 bonus case of beer a week. Though I hear the Tomcats are already well endowed enough… 

Your favourite Tomcat: Stevo, Lovey, Sparky, too many to name. Grit, brotherhood, and loyalty. Story: about 5 years ago I was about to move. While having ‘Pops’ on stage, Lovey offers to help me move. Move! I mean, according to stand-up comedy there is no greater gift in male bonding. Of course, I gave my ‘thanks but no worries’ routine, but not because there was any trace of disingenuousness in the offer. It’s that selfless and generous kinship that one first benefits from then learns to give others, via the Tomcats.

Your Favourite Tomcat Moment: Stevo life advice on the stage. Never hurts to have an emergency $20 in your wallet. Truer words never spoken. Though, we should adjust for inflation.

One thing you would like other Tomcats to know about you: That I appreciate all the effort and long-term dedication put into the organization. Accomplishing something like the Tomcats requires an asymmetrical input of effort. The Tomcats are a Windsor gem. Truly a thread in the fabric of Canada’s culture. I wish I could be there more, but just knowing that the Tomcats are forever is solace enough. Would also help if I weren’t so out of shape that I got sick during every game.

Meet Tunzie:

Favourite Golfer: Hideki Matsuyama. He consistently puts up good scores and helps me win money online.

Favourite Golf Ball: Nike One Platinum. The ball Tiger was using while he dominated the PGA and every cocktail waitress he could get his hands on.

Favourite Hockey Player Growing Up: Patrick Roy

Favourite Player Today: Don’t have one. There are so many talented players I enjoy watching these days.

Favourite Movie: Dazed and Confused

Favourite Band: Soundgarden. I was hooked after discovering their Badmotorfinger and Superunknown albums as a youngster, and saw them for the first time in 1996 (13 years old) at the Palace of Auburn Hills. I’m a huge fan of Chris Cornell and have seen him in concert about 15 times over the years. Sadly, he died hours after the last Soundgarden concert I attended in 2017.

Highlight from High School: Every weekend was a party and a highlight in itself.

If there was something you could do for the Tomcats, what would it be?

I would move the ice machine to the stage area of the Kapusta so the boys wouldn’t have to haul full buckets from the basement.

Favourite Tomcat: There are so many great people that I’ve met over the years since becoming a member of the Club. I appreciate all the players that make me work hard and don’t hit me in the face.

Favourite Tomcat Moment: Winning my first (and still only) Stanley’s Cup, and getting covered in beer as I drank from it. Just knowing that I had a spare set of clothes and dry underwear waiting for me on the stage was just as sweet as the win.

Meet Oggie:

Favourite Golfer / Athlete: I thought I knew who my idol was, that was until the day I saw The Falcon play for the first time. The Falcon was a wonder to watch on that floor, the way he moved from side to side was like watching Fred Astaire dance. In the 1983 NHL Entry draft the Buffalo Sabres made a fourth round (#74 overall) for Daren Puppa, they should have picked The Falcon!

Favourite Golf ball (if you are a golfer) if not a golfer, your favourite sporting memory:  There are too many great golf balls out there to pick a favourite. So, on to my favourite sporting memory.

Now some of you may or may not know that The Matador and I have a history before our time as members of the Tomcats.

During my development years I spent a season learning form The Matador and a crew of wise gentlemen who showed me only the best examples of how to play the game both on and off the ice. My time under their tutelage helped develop me into the man I am today. And one of the defining moments was in Belle River, at the old Arena. A battle was being fought on the ice between two rivals, fighting for a place in hockey history. It was game 3 in the third round of the all-Ontario playoffs. When the horn sounded on the end of the second period, no one could have expected what was to happen next.

As the teams made their way to their respective dressing rooms words were exchanged, as is customary in sport. Well, one particular gentlemen to exception to this custom. The gentlemen whom was tasked with running the clock for the game, stepped out of his office and began to shout unpleasant and rather distasteful things at us, group of well brought up young men. As his verbal bombardment continued, it was suggested that he have a seat and take a deep breath and before saying anything else to consider what he would accomplish by using foul language towards a group of young men. Well it seems that the gentlemen did not take kindly to being given directions, so instead of taking a deep breath and calming the situation, he made the rather poor choice to take several steps forward towards us. It was at this moment, The Matador and the rest of the coaching staff came to the aid of their flock. Like a wild mother goose protecting her nest from prey, or golfers, The Matador and crew swooped in and ensured the safety of their young. Needless to say that poor gentlemen made a regretful life choice that day and I am sure the imprints of “100% fine Italian leather” are still etched into his forehead.

Favourite hockey player growing up:  While growing up Ron Tugnutt was everything I wanted to be.

Favourite present day hockey player:  I’d have to say that presently Jaromír Jágr would have to be my favourite player. If anyone embodies the values of what being a Tomcat is, it is him.

Favourite band(s): Hands down it has to be Ghost Crossing, though an honourable mention has to go out the Ukrainian Bandura Chorus. Also, the Stefan Jaworiwsky solo album is on my all-time party playlist!

Favourite movie(s):  I shouldn’t have to say it. But I will the 1977 American sports comedy film directed by George Roy Hill, written by Nancy Dowd and starring Paul Newman and Michael Ontkean. Slapshot.

A highlight from High School:  Using The Matador’s expired drivers licence to get a lap dance at one of southwestern Ontario’s finest gentlemen’s clubs at the tender age of just 16. The lovely lady even requested Stairway to Heaven so that we could enjoy our time together just a bit longer. It’s a good thing I remembered his middle name Charbel. 

If you could do one thing for the Tomcats, what would you do:  Go back to school, become a doctor and discover a cure to end all sickness in the world, just so the Tomcats could be together again.

Your favourite Tomcat:  It has to be the man who brought me into this world, the Tomcats world that is. My favorite bruder in law Hollywood. But seriously, how can you pick a favourite with gems like: Uncle Sparky, Doc, Lovey, Snowpants, Razor, Soupy, Kamikaze, The Danish, Sheep Dog, Tunzie, Chico, Beep, Hurricane, Bulldog, Stevo, Jingles, The Rake, Chevy, Skippy, Rocky, Killer, Cribzie, The Turk, Sunny and so many more! 

Your Favourite Tomcat Moment:  The 2013 Christmas bash at Rock Bottoms. There was a lot happening that night, but nothing put a cherry on top like Lovey laying pipe in the bathroom.

One thing you would like other Tomcats to know about you:  Simply that I miss you all, greatly. Hoping to make an appearance in the 2022 season. Tomcats Forever!

Meet Dr. Super Prehkrasnah, Mental Health Performance 

1. My favorite athlete is Kerri Walsh Jennings – Volleyball player.  She is extraordinary!  Not just because of the number of Olympic gold medals she won, but her tenacity and dedication to the sport are inspiring to all women.
2. My favorite sporting memory –  This one is a tie.  First – watching my son win gold in the 4X4 relay at the Ontario Championships. Second – watching my son play at the Little League Championships, representing Canada, in Bangor Maine. 
3. Favorite hockey player growing up – Bobby Orr.  Enough said?!
4. Present Day favorite hockey player – I have to admit I just don’t follow hockey anymore.  Sorry guys.
5. Favorite Band – Bon Jovi
6. Favorite Movie – Aliens (the second one in the series)
7. Highlight from Highschool – My highschool volleyball team dominated!  We won the provincials 4 years in a row!  
8. What would I do for the Tomcats – End Covid so everyone can get back to living their lives
9. Favorite quote – Tomorrow is promised to no one
10. Favorite moment – Playing cards with my dad
11. One thing the Tomcats should know – I am fiercely protective of my kids and my grandson.  Don’t mess with my kids; you’ll regret it.

Meet Dr. Essex Sunshine Donna, Director Athlete Well Being and Performance

Favourite Athlete:  Tanya Harding – who can forget THAT right??

Favourite Sporting Memory:  Annual Moore Golf tournament.  Aunts, Uncles and cousins have gathered annually since 1973 for an annual golf tournament.  Not all play, some caddy and some prepare the post golf feast, but all join in the fun.  

Favourite hockey player when younger: Bobby Clarke

Present day favourite hockey player:  pass

Favourite band / favourite song:  Wish you were Here.  Pink Floyd

Favourite movie:  Not a big movie fan as it requires a 2 hour sustained commitment.  Loved Gaga and Bradley Cooper in A Star is Born.

Highlight from Highschool:  Being in the Stage Band

If you could do one thing for the Tomcats, what would you do?   Eradicate covid so that your activities could resume without restrictions

Favourite quote:  “Be the change you wish to see in the world”; Ghandi and “You’re a Shmoopy” episode 116 Seinfeld

Favourite moment in time if you could go back to it:  When my Mom was alive

One thing you would like the Tomcats to know about you:  I am afraid of drive thru car washes

Meet SeaLion

Favourite Golfer / Athlete: Paul Henderson, not so much for his overall career achievements but for his drive and determination in taking the whole country on his back to score game winning goals in games 6 & 7 of the 1972 Summit Series with Russia after being knocked out of game 5 with a concussion. But of course, his greatest and most memorable feat was his sensational, iconic game winning goal in the last minute of game 8 giving the Canadians a series win over the Russians. This is arguably the greatest goal ever scored in Canadian history as it validated the whole country’s pride in our game.

Favourite Golf ball (if you are a golfer) if not a golfer, your favourite sporting memory: I have had two favorites. The first was Taylormade Project (a). I would bash this one around until I realized after 200+ rounds (yeah you are right, I am a slow learner) that Project (a) is for players with an “a” game. Since I am probably at a low “c” game I have found a new favourite which is Srixon Soft Feel. They suit my swing speed and feel good coming off the club. My colleague Hideki Matsuyama did very well with this ball at this year’s Masters Tournament. I am hoping it’s use will allow me to perform well at the 2021 Kobassa Open and Ride Her Cup events so I can approach Srixon for a sponsorship deal.

Favourite hockey player growing up: Davey Keon. He was a great Toronto Maple Leaf and when the Leafs visited us at our school, he signed an autograph for me and took time to ask how school was going and if I played hockey. He left a positive lifetime impression on me.

Favourite present day hockey player:  Not so much a present-day favourite but my all-time favourite is Wendel Clark. He could do it all; he could play a skilled game; he could be a grinder; he could play a physical game; he could play a skating game. If you wanted him to scrap, he could do that too. Present day guy would be Connor McDavid for his skill, speed, and creativity. He also has a nasty side that shows up every now and again.

Favourite band(s):  Teen years featured a lot of Led Zeppelin and Deep Purple. Great make out music and the songs were really long… oh yeah and Iron Butterfly’s In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida for that reason too. (You young guys may have to look that one up on your googling machines.)

Favourite movie(s): Shawshank Redemption – great role played by Tim Robbins, The Godfather – James Caan’s hot headed character Sonny Corleone is not to be confused with Tomcats own, even tempered all round nice guy Sunny Salaris, and The Commitments – a great movie about an aspiring band loosely based on the evolution of Stevo, Hollywood, Rocky, Jingles and Jody (Mrs. Doc) and the rise of Ghost Crossing (or is it Goat Droppings?)

A highlight from High School: Making it through High School was a highlight. Since I have political aspirations, I am reluctant to provide more specific highlights in writing.

If you could do one thing for the Tomcats, what would you do:

I’d open a complex for Tomcats like the one opened by the Hollywood Screen and Television Industry for members in need of a place to live, play or just get away. The facility would feature “Kapusta Palace 2” which would be a state-of-the-art arena, swimming pool, bar/gentlemen’s club, restaurant, and golf simulators. Expansion plans would include a championship golf course. For aging Tomcats living at the facility, I would negotiate with Chevy to retain the services of Amy’s Helping Hands to assist Tomcats with their peri care.

Favourite Tomcat:  As Head Coach of the Tomcats I have no favorites. I value all the collective talents of current and past Tomcats. I have an appreciation that the fine qualities defining “what is a Tomcat” build and grow stronger with each passing year. (Did I mention I had political aspirations? Just getting some practice in)

Favourite Tomcat Moment:  Experiencing the thrill of winning the Stanley’s Cup as captain of the Tecumseh Stingers. That team had a lot of heart and got the cup despite being huge underdogs. The cheering of adoring fans along the parade route (some coming from as far away as Leamington) was deafening and overwhelming for Mrs. Sea Lion and I as we sat on the back of a beautiful navy-blue Corvette waving to the crowd. Then to be handed the keys to the Corvette at the conclusion of the parade as MVP …… so special.

Meet Finner:

Favourite Golfer / Athlete: past Fred Couples, present Brooks Koepka

Favourite Golf ball (if you are a golfer) if not a golfer, your favourite sporting memory: Titleist (but doesn’t make a difference)

Favourite hockey player growing up: Gilbert Perrault

Favourite present day hockey player: Conor McDavid

Favourite band(s): Metallica

Favourite movie(s): Snatch

A highlight from High School: hit by two cars, broke leg

If you could do one thing for the Tomcats, what would you do: promote the great camaraderie

Favourite Tomcat: Barry Morris

Favourite Tomcat Moment: winning the triple crown

One thing you would like other Tomcats to know about you: I appreciated those years, not sure I mention it enough

The Windsor Tomcats would like to introduce the Management Team:

Mr. Bundura: Vice President of Hockey Operations 

Finner: General Manager

Libs: Assistant G.M. 

Sea Lion: Head Coach

The Turk: Assistant Coach

Bubbles: Assistant Coach

Youngblood: Special Assistant to G.M.

Bucko: Director of Player Personnel

Zoomer: Assistant Director of Player Personnel

Rayzor: Director of Hockey Strategy

Rexy: Senior Advisor

Zaba: Director of Team Operations

Crispy: Executive Assistant to Vice President of Hockey Operations

The Legend: Director of Scouting

Spinner: General Manager Bad Axe Bearcats

Slim Jim: Manager of Hockey Operations and Asst. G.M. Bad Axe Bearcats

Spanky: Director Media Relations

Dr. Essex Sunshine Donna: Director Athlete Well Being and Performance

Dr. Super Prehkrasnah: Mental Health Performance 

Tomcat Motto:

Meet Mayday (photo is from Atom Hockey)

Your Favourite Golfer / Athlete: Tiger Woods

Your favourite Golf ball (if you are a golfer) if not a golfer, your favourite sporting memory: Any ball the Sea Lion and Stevo find for me. I will bequeath about 10,000 balls to the Windsor Tomcats when I’m gone.

Your favourite hockey player growing up: Darryl Sittler. But Bobby Clarke was a close second. We would have never won the Summit Series without that hack in game 6.

Your favourite present day hockey player: Austin Matthews but I wish the modern- day player was more like Wendyl Clark.

Your favourite band(s): AC/DC , Aerosmith, Ronny James Dio

Your favourite movie(s): Goodfellas

A highlight from High School: Too many to mention but playing High School Hockey with the Bundura.

If you could do one thing for the Tomcats, what would you do: Build a training facility with boards, dressing rooms bar and a retractable roof.

Your favourite Tomcat: Hollywood. I remember the look on his youthful- face when Stevo and I took him to Diamonds when he was 14 years old after a Red Wing game, he asked the waitress for a rye and coke.

Your Favourite Tomcat Moment: The Bucko Era. It wasn’t a moment, it was an era.

One thing you would like other Tomcats to know about you: I’m an open book. Just don’t send me weather updates.

Meet Chico (and his Cock)

Your Favourite Golfer/Athlete: Fuzzy Zoeller

Your favourite Golf ball (if you are a golfer) if not a golfer, your favourite sporting memory: The bright yellow ones cause they’re easier to find.

Your favourite hockey player growing up: Felix Potvin

Your favourite present day hockey player: Quickly becoming Jack Campbell

Your favourite bands: The Hip, Pearl Jam

Your favourite movies: Dazed and Confused, The Green Mile

A highlight from High School: Getting caught skipping and coming up with a good enough story to get away with it.

If you could do one thing for the Tomcats, what would you do: Have an indoor facility, custom jerseys for all, and an Adidas sponsorship.

Your favourite Tomcat: Doc got me in, so a special thanks to him for sure, but Soupy and I have become neighbours recently, and he’s alright too.

Your Favourite Tomcat Moment: Drinking from Stanley’s Cup in my first season.

One thing you would like other Tomcats to know about you: besides my ferocious shooting ability and wildly talented playmaking skills, I’m actually quite talented in kitchen as well.

The absolute horror, shock and giddy excitement are just some of the emotions I went thru when I stumbled upon the ‘story of the year’.  There I was; killing time as usual with the ‘lockdown’ by going for my daily walk to the mailbox.  I opened the box and absently went thru all my ‘fan mail’ while also setting aside the ‘junk mail’.  

Suddenly a piece of junk mail caught my eye.  Low and behold I saw an expertly done product placement ‘endorsement’ from a ‘normal’ looking family.  Problem is I RECOGNIZED this was no ‘normal’ family or mere mortal of a man; but a ‘stalwart’ ‘Tomcat’ player shamelessly ‘plugging’ this product.  An investigation ‘had’ to be commenced.

My mind was racing – what was the player offered?  Is there a NDA (Non Disclosure Agreement)?  What contractual ‘request’ we’re made and full-filled to land such a celebrity?  I also of course had to know if the players family received any ‘kickbacks’ or whether they received a heavy ‘discount’ on products offered.

I camped out for weeks and finally corned ‘Sheepdog’. When pressed I got the following statement:

Hey, like everyone else the Sheepdog has been hit financially hard by the lockdown.  My contract with the Tomcats while exceptional just left me a little short.  They came by as I was in the market for their stuff and they asked us all to pose and provide a good review.  They said we just had that photogenic family look; and also commented how beautiful/photogenic ‘Mrs Sheepdog’ looked and how my daughters just looked like clean cut and classy young ladies. As Sheepdog loves everyone how could I refuse?  I mean businesses are struggling right now too – right?

I figured I get a great deal as most people don’t have cash to upgrade their dog den like I do; and my investments with my Tomcat salary have really panned out – so I had the cash.   I mean that steamed vagina machine stock I bought really took off!  

Being a celebrity of course I wanted some stuff.  I reached out to ‘Beep’; knowing how he’s in the financial business; and we drafted my ‘request’.  I really played it up; I wanted a new Calloway Epic Max club; as Golf Digest recently rated it the best – Sheepdog was looking forward to bringing out a new weapon onto the Tomcats golf tourneys planned.  I wanted 50 M&M’s too; but just the Yellow ones – just to be ‘that’ guy; I also asked for 40 cases of MGD – the ‘official’ beer of the Tomcats; so I could give a case to every player – cause the Sheepdog ‘loves all’ the Tomcats.

I also wanted to be photographed wearing my complete Tomcat wardrobe; but they ‘insisted’ on me wearing the golf shirt and hat.  They said it made me more relatable; and they would have had to get the Tomcats Board of Directors to sign off on wearing my swag. I tried; guess with 25years plus the Tomcats logo and trademark are just too much cost for a company to use….they also insisted I wear Minny Mouse swag due to upcoming announcement between the Tomcats and Disney+ (stay tuned).

Look; I just took a great deal and now my fan mail has increased by double; my phone keeps blowing up for interviews and ‘Beep’ got me some kind of commission for every card placed in mailboxes.  The Sheepdog’s life is good and I look forward to playing again real soon.  

So there you have it.  Apparently ‘Sheepdog’ ‘is’ the MOST marketable Tomcat; considering a ‘reputable’ company ‘endorsed’ his clean cut good old family man looks.  Add his personality and trademark ’Sheepdog’ loves everyone demeanor and this guy will sell any reputable product.  

While you’re wondering if you’ll be the ‘next’ Tomcat discovered by a local company; I noticed your Handzonmecac.

Yurri

By Chuck Fina.

The Gordon’s Gin league was down again for the second week in a row due to the provincial government’s ridiculos lock down rules.

“I’ve started chipping golf balls at the local park since playgrounds are open. I chip hundreds of balls at the slide and watch the balls roll down the slide”, said Stevo.

“Let’s see, covid is running rampant, infected flights continue coming in but we’ll shut down golf courses. C*** whallapers”, said the Sea Lion.

“It’s getting frustrating”, said Chevy who hasn’t walked or checked the weather in 2 weeks. “My wife is threatening to return the pull cart I got for my birthday”.

May Day, who is not only the league’s commissioner but also the number one critic of the provincial government  was seen in his back yard in Belle River throwing a hatchet at the large maple tree that had a Doug Ford poster nailed to it.

“I have a story for you. I went to the doctor the other day and the conversation went something lke this”, said May Day.

DOCTOR: What can I do for you today?

MAY DAY: I need a note.

DOCTOR: You sick?

MAY DAY: Nope.

DOCTOR: You drinking again? You went to the Beer Store, bought a small keg of Keith’s and a hand pump and chugged the entire keg on a Zoom meeting with your boss?

MAY DAY: Nope.

DOCTOR: Why do you need a note?

MAY DAY: So I can go to the gym. My gym guy says you can get a doctor’s note and then you are allowed to work out.

DOCTOR: WTF is wrong with the world?

VAGINA STEAMER FEEDBACK

“ I tried it and it was awesome. I have never felt cleaner”, said the Rake.

“You wouldn’t believe the orders coming in”, said Stevo

KOBASSA OPEN

Kobassa Open set to go July 15, 2021. Make sure you text or e mail Stevo if you are in.

THIS UNAMED TOMCAT ENDED UP IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM – OUCH

Balls to that!

A Windsor Tomcat’s do-it-yourself sex toy cut off the blood supply to his penis and had to be cut off with an electric saw.

Both his penis and scrotum became “swollen, blue and cold to the touch” as a result of his booze-fueled, hormone-charged hijinks.

But even when he arrived at the hospital, he remained erect — a shocking 12 hours after squeezing his bits through a steel ring.

At the hospital, he admitted that he used the 4 cm in diameter gold ring to maintain an erection while masturbating.

At the Windsor Regional Hospital Hospital medics first used bolt cutters to remove the ring but their efforts fell flat.

Docs using a rotating saw eventually succeeded in freeing the imprisoned penis.

But according to Urology Case Reports, cold water had to be constantly applied to cool the area and keep the saw from frying his phallus.

The unidentified man’s genitals returned to normal colour and size without any lingering damage.

Dr. T. Feelgood wrote in Urology Case Files: “Genital decompression should be as quick as possible to try to recover the external genital organs. The electric saw is very useful, particularly for devices with large thickness, but it is absolutely necessary to take precautions so as not to damage the underlying tissues.”

Penis strangulation can be serious and in some cases doctors are forced to amputate the entire penis so gangrene doesn’t spread.

Let’s hope golf courses are open soon!

Have you responded??? Before we meet this week’s Tomcats, a reminder from our good friend Harry Ballsonue.  Harry has reached out to several Tomcats to answer these simple questions and has not received answers.  This is a fun segment many are enjoying so take 4 minutes out of your stay-at-home-order time and help a brother out, would ya? We need Harry to stay inspired and that starts with responding to his requests!

Public Service Announcement from Sunny:

Sunny and the boys at the Schooley Sports Network (if you haven’t already, join this Facebook group…you are missing out) are doing a hockey stick drive this Sunday to collect old sticks for a young man that makes very cool Canadian Flags out of them to raise money for his future.  Read more about it here:

https://london.ctvnews.ca/your-old-hockey-stick-can-live-on-and-help-a-young-man-s-future-1.5399757

See the picture below for details on where you can drop off your sticks this Sunday.  Can’t make it Sunday?  Then drop sticks off ahead of time at Rocky’s house and he will deliver Sunday.  Text Rocky for his address.    

Meet Cribzie

Favourite professional athlete: Kirk Gibson no contest, he wore #23 (as do I) and was a true grit no nonsense player, he helped the Tigers win the MLB championship in 1984.

Fave Golf Ball: The Taylormade RBZ is my pick. Every hole I’ve used this ball on is always a par or better!

Favourite Hockey Player growing up: Bob Probert is my pick. Although not known for his finesse goal scoring hands, he was a true team player. He protected his dynasty teammate players while accumulating 400 points over his 16 season career. He had his personal struggles both on the ice and off, and is a local icon. His grit and dedication can be compared to Tomcat hero Doc Brewin!

Favourite Hockey Player Today: Austin Matthews: quick release and deadly accurate. This kid is a stud…

Favourite Movies: A Few Good Men: Jack Nicholson, Tom Cruise, Demi Moore, Kiefer Sutherland, Kevin Bacon… how much better can you get?

Favourite Band: Growing up in Essex, we were all Motley Crue fans… enough said…

High school highlight was always prom night, who could show up with the best trophy date… Cribzie was usually the leader in this category…

If I could do one thing for the Tomcats , it would be to do anything to get back to the normalcy of Tuesday nights at the Kapusta. All Tomcat players and fans are desperate to follow weekly stats and the annual tournament. 

Favourite Tomcat: No contest, Stevo is my choice. I worked with him for 25 years before his retirement, and learned many meaningful cliché catch phrases from him over the years, most notably “ you can always catch more flies with honey than with vinegar…” This was always Stevo’s approach when dealing with the public, to empower them to be polite to one another.  On a side note, Stevo introduced me to the Tomcats and I have always appreciated that! 

Favourite Tomcat Moment:  My first time ever as a Tomcat Tournament captain, I assembled the Windsor Warpigs.  We won the tournament with ease and I proudly hoisted the Stanley’s Cup for a frothy MGD celebration. This will always stand out as my favorite moment!  

Meet a Sweetheart of a guy……Skippy.

Favourite Professional Golfer/Athlete:  Michael Jordan

Favourite Web Site:  Is this a trick question; to be used to determine when we return whom get’s to come out (As EVERYONE; retired or not, will want to attend – and those ‘NOT’ choosing the Tomcats website will have to utilize PPV options?).  NO QUESTION – Favourite web site is the ‘Tomcats’! (Great articles; good pics and entertaining!)

Favourite Hockey Player Growing Up:  Wayne Gretzky

Favourite Hockey Player Now:  Gotta be Dave Aryes – What an ‘underdog’ story; a ‘backup’ emergency goaltender getting a ‘win’ at the NHL level.  I hear they are going to make a movie about it; which other current/former players have that? – VERY few.

Favourite Movies:  As a ‘Sci-Fi’ guy I like the original trilogy of Star Wars movies.  Other classics include ‘Rocky’; ‘Forrest Gump’; and ‘Rudy’

Favourite band(s):  I’ve got an eclectic taste as I used to be a D.J back in the day and genuinely like top pop stuff.  Gotta settle on ‘Phil Collins’ as a band I will dust off and listen too.

Highlight in Highschool:  Being one of those lucky enough to graduate from Lowe Secondary School; which is now long closed.  The building’s architecture is very beautiful; reminding me of a castle – so I say I graduated as a ‘Knight’.

If I could do one thing for the Tomcats:  I have ALWAYS wanted to come into some money and be able to buy my own brewed beer; which would be given out for free for life to ALL Tomcat players.  I’d call it ‘Skippy’s Piss’; it would feature a pale light Yellow draft with notes of flavour akin to a ‘Corona’ or ‘Coors light’ product.  The bottle would feature a donkey pissing in a Yellow stream; and the ‘catch’ phrase would be:  Best served warm and ‘frothy’.  Makes me laugh inside everytime; and I think the guys would have a good laugh too – we ALL need a good laugh these days; and a return to the Tomcats playing!

Favourite Tomcat: I’ve read every blog so far and agree there are no ‘favourites’; instead I am grateful to have been given an opportunity to join this group and play with some great guys.  A ‘shout’ out to ‘Stevo’; whom after ‘years’ of bothering; begging and finally ‘bribing’; brought me in to the fold.

Favourite Tomcat Moment:  Gotta be going ‘back-to-back’ as a Stanley’s Cup winner; and being named MVP for one of those victories!  As a ‘back-up’ goaltender; whose days in net are likely behind him due to injuries and admits he is NOWHERE near the caliber of some of the other great goalies; those wins reminded me that us ‘underdogs’ can have great moments in time – just like Dave Aryes (Do I smell a ‘Skippy’ Disney movie?).

April 21, 2021

By Chuck Fina

The Gordon’s Gin league will not be playing this week thanks to the strict government lockdowns that went into effect on April 17, 2021 at 12:01 AM. “We had a sold-out crowd set for Sutton Creek on April 19, 2021. The Hurricane was set to make his season debut and was looking forward to hearing my new Rok-Form belting out tunes at full blast,” said May Day. “Out of 20 million golf rounds played in Ontario last summer, there were 19, 999,999 positive Covid cases, so it made sense shutting us down. We have to do our part to limit the spread,” said Health and Safety manager Bundura.

Other players were clearly frustrated. “What a bunch of nipple heads,” said the Sea Lion. “F*** that guy,” said a clearly agitated Hatchie. “I feel sorry for the kids,” said Hurricane. Other players were keeping a positive outlook. “Oh well, at least I get to watch the Federal Budget being presented Monday. I am looking forward to the government not holding back on spending. More programs are needed,” said Chevy.

Cribzie said he will miss golf but will be keeping busy. “I’m going to throw my entire street in jail. We have to limit the spread,” said Cribzie. “Then I’m heading up to Kenora to watch the border,” added Cribzie. Stevo, will be keeping busy launching a new product, the Super Duper Not the Pooper Vagina Steamer. “I’ve been working on this for years but I’m ready for launch. I got the backing from the Dragon’s Den and the machine is being mass produced in China and will be debuting on the Shopping Network on June 1^st”,” said an excited Stevo.

Stevo provided some details regarding his new invention and answers some important questions below. “Do try this at home, or in my home,” said Stevo.

What is vaginal steaming?

Lets face it — between menstruation, sexual intercourse, and childbirth, the vagina withstands a lot. When you add changing hormones and pelvic floor issues to the mix, sometimes the vaginal area is anything but comfortable. Vaginal steaming is a natural remedy to cleanse the vagina and uterus, regulate menstruation, and ease period cramps and bloating. After receiving high praise on The Dragon’s den website, Stevo’s machine has surged in popularity.

But other than offering a soothing warmth down below, does it work? And is it even safe? Keep reading to find out.

How is it supposed to work?

Vaginal steaming directs herb-infused steam into your vagina. For a reasonable fee,

(Tomcat wives save the tax) some upscale spas offer the process. You can also do it at home. The process is pretty simple — you just sit or squat over a container of herbal-infused steam.

“With most people working at home these days, personal hygiene has become a priority,” said Stevo. Herbs often used alone or in combination include:

mugwort
wormwood
chamomile
calendula
basil
oregano

Most spas have a special seat (Stevo calls it a “throne”) with a hole for the steam to come through. It’s a little more challenging to do at home, but Stevo’s product was invented for home use. Following is a suggested method of doing a vaginal steam at home. However, before you try it yourself, you’ll want to consider its supposed benefits and possible safety issues, as discussed below.

Add about a cup of your chosen herbs to a basin of hot water.
Let the herbs steep for at least a minute.
Remove your clothes from the waist down.
Stand or squat directly over the basin. Some people prefer to place the basin in the toilet and then sit on the toilet.
Wrap a towel around your waist and legs to prevent the steam from escaping. The average steam session lasts between 20 and 60 minutes. Depending on how hot the water is, the steam may cool sooner.

Stevo is requesting a volunteer to try the product for free on the Shopping Network. Contact Stevo for details. The Volunteer will be gifted a free, autographed steamer from Stevo.

Editor’s Note – We can only hope golf resumes soon. Get vaccinated if you qualify. Oh, and try the vagina steamer.

Meet Hollywood

Favourite professional golfer: Since Soupy took Paige Spiranac, I will go with Natalie Gulbis! 

Favourite golf ball: Any driving range ball will do. Or the cool coloured ones that you get from the mini putt place.

Favourite hockey player growing up: Billy Smith, Mike Bossy, Mats Naslund, and Wayne Gretzky.

Favourite Hockey player now: Sid the Kid

Favourite movie(s): Pulp Fiction, or anything by Quentin Tarantino…that guy is just brilliant

Favourite band(s): Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band, Great Big Sea, The Gaslight Anthem, Foo Fighters, Tragically Hip, Frank Turner and the Sleeping Souls and Meatloaf.

Your highlight in high school: Getting my school letter for becoming a 25 sport athlete. 

If you could do one thing for the Windsor Tomcats what would you do? Purchasing an all in one complex with a wicked awesome playing surface, a PA system for La Bamba to jam out his tunes, locker rooms, bar/lounge area with all sorts of Micro’s and Imports on tap, and a 2000 seat auditorium/Banquet facility so Ghost Crossing can rock out tunes for all our milestone anniversaries.

Your favourite Tomcat: I’d want to say it’s like a 42-way tie for first place! Also, I’m probably expected to say Stevo because he is my Brudzher. Fork to my nose, I will have to say Lovie and Sparky. Heck of a pair of guys guy, great guys to talk to, both look good in soccer shorts, great Fathers/Dad’s and family men, always would be there if you need them, and handsome devils to boot! Be more like Sparky, and Lovie! 

Your Favourite Tomcat moment: You would think hoisting Stanley’s Cup, but it has to be the challenge of creating/designing Tomcat swag. Then seeing everyone proudly sporting each and every item. A huuuuge honourable mention is to my Vuyko (Uncle) Nicky AKA Daddy Mayday, for disagreeing with a referee’s call during a tournament, when out of the corner of the stage a flying cooler lid when flying down the Kapusta Kow Floor.

Meet Big Easy

Favourite Golfer: Chi Chi Rodriguez as I loved the theatrics after sinking a put. I often went to the Seniors tournament in Detroit to follow him around as he was always so good with the fans! Favourite golfer today would have to be Phil. I played golf left handed as a youngster but had to switch over to right handed as there were no left handed clubs and I always admired his short game which is lacking in my game!! 

Favourite Golf Ball: Whatever ball is in my bag. I don’t really care as long as there are no slices in the cover!

Favourite hockey Player Growing up: Rick MacLeish part of the Broadstreet Bullies. He was a dynamic left winger and I played the wing growing up so always wanted to be like Rick.

Favourite Player today: Sid. He is an unbelievable player, works his tail off every night and makes plays that make you shake your head and say; “how did he do that”?

Favourite Movie: Mr Deeds. I am a huge Adam Sandler fan and this movie had me laughing the whole way through. 

Favourite Bands: ACDC. I saw them in concert for those about to rock we salute you tour and crank up the music any time they are playing. Favourite song by far is Thunderstruck and it is the perfect song to play prior to a tournament game to get the team fired up!

A highlight from High school: My highlight in high school was winning the baseball championship for WECSSAA. It was the first year baseball was introduced as a sport and the Rebels were victorious.

If you could do something for the Tomcats, what would you do: I would provide a team masseuse for every event as I know I am not getting any younger and a nice rub down would be appreciated! 

Favourite Tomcat: This has to be Stevo as our friendship goes way back to when our kids were younger and we coached against each other. We have been friends ever since and he asked me to join this prestigious organization years ago but the kids sports always too precedence. The kids are now older so my time freed up and am very thankful to have met such a great group of guys. I want to also mention MeeHash, as he is a close second.

Favourite Tomcat Moment: My favourite moment was my first tournament and my team Captain Sunny picked me in the first round, first overall?? I have never been so proud in all my life especially the fact that he picked me over family! During the tournament my bubble broke as I overheard him saying to Soupy, “I think I just drafted Alenandre Daigle! 

by Harry Ballsonue
In Todays blog the feature ‘Meet a Tomcat’ will also be present, what a time to know how to read.

The Gordon’s / Dirty Growler golf league was in its second week on Monday and it saw the crew head to Bellview Golf and Country club. However, due to April 12 being the NHL trade deadline, The Bundura and May Day were held out of the line up, with the thinking that both would be traded to a golf league in their home town of Etobicoke, that did not happen so they will be in line up next week.  

“I was quite excited to play today and see May Day and The Bundura as I knew they were to play, but when I got to the course, I was told they would not be playing,” stated Sunny. 

Actual scores from this week, Chevy 95, Hatchie 92, Sunny 91, Stevo 88, Soupy 88 and Sea Lion 83.
If you wish to play next Monday, please contact the Commissioner May Day.

In other Golf news:

Kapusta Open – The Turk, has informed the Tomcats that there will be no Kapusta Open this year due to the COVID. With a little luck it will be back in 2022. The Tomcat Golf Outing is Saturday June 19 and Kobassa Open is Thursday July 15.

Meet Sheepdog:

Favourite professional golfer/or athlete: pre-aviator sunglasses Phil Mickelson

Favourite golf ball: Original Kirkland 4-piece (as good as a Titleist Pro V1)

Favourite hockey player growing up: Guy Lafleur

Favourite Hockey player now: Ovechkin

Favourite movie(s): Caddyshack

Favourite band(s): Jimmy Buffett

Your highlight in high school: Scoring a perfect 100% on my grade 13 Calculus exam

If you could do one thing for the Windsor Tomcats what would you do?  I’d give them all big hug from the Sheepdog

Your favourite Tomcat: Sheepdog loves all the Tomcats

Your Favourite Tomcat moment : Connecting on those crisp clean chest high passes to my fellow Tomcats. Gotta hit ‘em in between the numbers, my baseball coach used to always say!

Meet Tonto:

Favourite golfer has always been Tiger Woods

Favourite golf ball is usually the one that goes back in my bag at the end of the day, however Callaway is my fav

Favourite hockey player – Anyone except Brad Marchand, but Guy Lafleur was the player I liked the most

Favourite movies – Rocky IV and Any Which Way but Loose

Favourite Bands – Def Leppard and Nickleback

Highlight from high school – Always coed volleyball in gym class 😜

Something I wish I could do for the Tomcats: Find a picture of Beeps mullet in high school so all the boys could see

Favourite Tomcat: Definitely Beep I love all the guys, but Beep is the closest thing to family outside of my own immediate family.

Favourite tomcat moment has to be the Stevo off the backboard rebound to me goal on Chico, which Stevo called right from the line.

April 7, 2021

By Chuck Fina

The Gordon’s Gin League kicked off the 2021 season at Sutton Creek on April 5, 2021.

The Sea Lion, May Day, Stevo, Chevy, Hatchie, Cribzee, and LaBamba were on hand to get the kinks out. 

“One thing about being the Commissioner of any league is you find out almost all players have their Masters Degrees in Meteorology”, said Commissioner Mayday. “It’s crazy. I am getting weather radar texts. Hell, even Chuck Gaidica called my on my cell and gave me a report. As you guys know, I only answer questions at the league banquet. So, if you don’t hear from me, presume golf is a go. Having said that, there are choices. If I get a text saying I’m out because of the weather, I’m good with that”, said Mayday. “I was running a baseball team in the 80’s. I got a call from a guy who was in  Thunder Bay. He  asked me if it was raining in Toronto”. 

Mayday checks in hourly with Stevo, who has been put in charge of monitoring weather and playing conditions. “I’m on it”, said Mayday.

Stevo, who was Chief of the Windsor Tomcats understands the Commissioner’s frustrations with the weatherman. “I used to get texts and calls asking if hockey was canceled because it was raining outside”, said Stevo shaking his head.

Chevy and Cribzee golfed with LaBamba. Chevy and Cribzee walked the course while LaBamba rode. “ I would have walked but I had 18 speakers, 2 cell phones, my laptop computer, not to mention my beer, cigars and an ashtray”, said LaBamba.

Chevy and Cribzee did 25 push-ups after each hole. “Golf is a great way to stay in shape, since we didn’t play hockey this year”, said Chevy who was sporting a really sharp, custom madewalking golf cart. It’s like the one in Caddy Shack with craft beer taps and a stereo system.

Mayday, Stevo, Hatchie and the Sealion were in the other group. The starter had to wait for the Sealion, who went to Seven Lakes and was delayed. “I fired my secretary immediately. There is no excuse for this”, said the Sea Lion. “I don’t get it, I thought she was really smart by the way she climbed up the 18 foot-step ladder in 6 inch high heels and a mini skirt at the interview”, said a perplexed Sea Lion.

Scores for the day were Chevy and Cribzee tied with 450 push-ups each, LaBamba 68 Hatchie 70, Mayday 71, Sealion 250 km on his new car, and Stevo after an impressive real score of 40 on the back 9, 83 ( real score). Good job by Stevo.

The league will be at Belleview next week. Remember to text Mayday by Wednesday to confirm your spot for the following Monday.

Meet Sunny/Husky Eyes (A Tomcat with Two Nick Names):

Favourite Golfer – Phil Mickelson. Lefty is so talented but seems genuine and cool. He strikes me as the type of guy that could hang with the Tomcats.

Favoutite Golf Ball – pretty much anyone that I happen to hit straight! Definitely no Top Flite, Pinnacle or Noodles though! 

Favourite Hockey Player Growing Up – Darryl Sittler and Wendel Clark

Favourite Player Now – Auston Matthews. To be honest I love watching Connor McDavid play the game.

Favourite Movies – so many but I’ll go with Shawshank Redemption, Good Fellas and Pulp Fiction.

Favourite Bands – Ghost Crossing, Tragically Hip, Rolling Stones, Tom Petty.

Highlight in High School – had so many great times in high school.  I guess getting drunk with my brother, Lovie and the the boys in Petrolia and going to high school dances belting out Wanted Dead Or Alive in middle of the gym floor and trying to wheel some chicks!

If You Could Do One Thing For The Tomcats What Would You Do – I would love, as others have said to build a place for the Tomcats that is our own. Playing surface, large locker room, lounge area with bar and kitchen for parties, poker, meals, sleeping quarters in case one has too many bevvies, big screen T.V’s,  pool tables, ping pong tables, laundry machines and whatever else my be desired.

Favourite Tomcat – this is tough and virtually impossible! Soupy is my cousin, Lovie and La Bamba are like brothers to me so there is that. Stevo and I connected immediately as is the reason we have Tomcats! I can honestly say I love all the boys and everyone brings something unique to the group. It feels great when you walk in there and know the guys are genuinely happy to be there and glad to see everyone. Fortunate to know every one of the Tomcats and count them as a friend.

Favourite Tomcat Moment – winning a Stanley’s Cup in my first ever tourney, Razor singing Happy Birthday to Stevo, bringing some of my favourite people out to join this great group were all great moments. What stands out the most is the first time I was able to bring my boys Nathan (Solstice) and Griffin (Helios) to the Kapusta and share the floor with them. To be able show them what it means to be a part of something with good people that is competitive, fun and all about friendship was fantastic for me personally

Meet Snowpants:

Favourite professional golfer/or athlete: I’ve always been a fan of Tiger Woods. Although his golfing days may have ended, I wouldn’t be surprised to see his son follow his footsteps and carry the Woods legacy in golf. 

Favourite golf ball:  A white one that goes into the cup in the least amount of shots! 

Favourite hockey player growing up:  Wayne Gretzsky, who never played for the Habs!

Favourite Hockey player now: Connor McDavid, who is not even a Hab!

Favourite movie(s): Planes, Trains and Automobiles.  I can watch that movie a thousand times and still piss my pants laughing!

Favourite band(s): Sammy Hagar/Van Halen … who can’t drive 55?!

Your highlight in high school:  Winning 2nd place at O.F.S.S.A. cross-country.  So few Windsorites hold one of those medals.

If you could do one thing for the Windsor Tomcats what would you do?  Ditto on Bullwinkle’s response – replace that Kow Palace gym floor before someone slips and ends their hockey days playing.

Your favourite Tomcat:  All of them!  Obviously, there are some I connect more with than others, but in the end, we are a big family and I love all the brothers equally! 

Your Favourite Tomcat moment: Finally, winning Stanley’s Cup!  A close second would have to be the time when I re-enacted the video replay during a tournament by placing a towel over my head and pretending the play was being reviewed!  Priceless!