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This week featured yet another mini-tourney with some great hockey. The first game, between Stevo and Snowpants was the finest hockey seen at the Palace in some time. The action was end-to-end and the goaltending was absolutely stellar. Stevo scored a ridiculously sweet goal on an amazing deke that only he could score. Somewhere in Tampa Stevie Y was smiling the moment “Stevo Franchise” juked, jived and buried the biscuit. His posed stare into the rafters only made the goal more legendary. Bulldog drove home the winner into the top corner on a great drive to the net. It was just a great hockey game for the ages…
Bearcat showed absolutely no rust coming out after weeks off. He may have stolen Sparky’s WD-40…He certainly showed his class by bringing out beer “just because”. Hollywood continued to enhance his already stellar image by bringing more beer than he needed to as well as working with Falcon to act as ringleader for Stevo’s birthday gift from the boys. Of course, Hollywood got the whisky while Falcon used his experience with porn to dive deep into the bargain bin for Granny Gums. Not happy with the regular version, he went for the higher model with more holes, more wrinkles, additional liver spots and removable dentures. Yes, you read that correctly. I can’t believe it and I just wrote it. Nothing but class Falcon! Attaboy. Speaking of class, Stevo was serenaded with a Marilyn-like version of happy birthday doled out by Razor…wearing nothing but a jock strap and his singing ability.
“Christ” said Junior, “Razor needs to do some fucking manscaping. It looked like he was trying to hide a wooly mammoth underneath a walnut shell”.
“I had to go to the hospital in the middle of the night” said a dejected Youngblood. “I must have taken a pube in the eye, it swelled up like a grade 9 boy who stumbles into the girl’s change room at shower time”.
“I enjoyed the spirit of it, but could have done without the sweaty ass-print on my slacks” said Captain Stevo. “That guy is a beauty”.
George was “on” again, getting the highest ratings on the laugh-o-meter as usual. Shamus is really finding his groove on stage. Even though he went down early in the tourney with a lower body injury he popped some pills to try and play. That was unsuccessful, but he stuck around to have drinks with the boys and celebrate his team’s win. Good stuff Shamus. Snowy had a big day at work Wednesday, but stuck around for some beer and whisky drinks with the boys. Junior and Razor looked like they were going to go nose-to-nose briefly but ended up laughing and sharing a Golden Pheasant. Rocky was a stud in the tourney, really picking up his play when 1st round draft pick Shamus went down to injury. Snowy and Sunny looked like Hall and Oates out there threading passes back and forth. No, not the Maneaters, the other ones who play hockey. Louis and Killer had some great battles in the corner, the best being in the back corner of the stage while debating the merits of doggy-style vs the council of the cow. I read a missing poster on my milk carton the other day. It had Falcon’s ass on it…
At one point in the games Stevo and George met behind the net and took part in a heated battle for the ball. It looked like two majestic rams with steam pouring from their nostrils, rising to meet each other in a powerful charge. Or maybe two Heavy Metal-type cartoon Gods with swords clanging. Or even better, two Champion-caliber heavyweight boxers slugging it out to the delight of the crowd. When this was brought up between games by Louis, Stevo replied “George had the ball and I lifted his stick and took the ball, that’s all”. I tend to agree with Louis, it was a great moment between two veterans, the two veteran pillars of the Tomcat organization. Stevo gave George props on the stage, stating that “George wanted to play some basketball. That’s how all this started so many years ago. Along with Hollywood, we are like the trinity”.
There was a strong crowd onstage yet again and the chatter went on late as is recently the standard. A small, but committed contingent zipped over to Purples afterward. Sunny Salaris had the night off and wanted to soak in the Purples experience that he normally misses due to work commitments. He showed his generosity by grabbing the first round. Hollywood darted directly to the jukebox, which is a welcome addition in my opinion. Nothing goes better with beers and hanging with the boys like music. Oh yeah, some talk of former conquests is good too, but is still better with tunes. Holly went heavy on the ballads to the delight of everyone in the bar. The guy in the old-school purple Purples jacket was even rocking out up at the bar. Hurricane explained that hearing INXS gives him an urge to throw his belt around his neck and dive into the broom closet to masturbate furiously while strung up on a footstool. I guess that’s just how he rolls…
Sparky showed up on stage even though he is busy trying to get his dance partner to go commando next round and Doc showed up at Purples after work to have a drink.
The boys floated out into the evening on the notes of Never Tear Us Apart. Amen to that…
Bloggy Bloggerstein
(Harry Palm Press):
Every good Tomcat knows a thing or two about hockey playoff pools – except maybe Skippy. I recall the one year he did go in under the guise of “Two monkeys with a pen”, he wasn’t even listed as a player – that’s how bad he played. Regardless another year is closing in on the Tomcats and the boys will turn their thoughts to playoff hockey (PS – Some teams aren’t in ok Skip – Like don’t bet on the Leafs). Who will dominate this year – a $11 wager may wind up paying for quite a few rounds at Purples. Insiders say they’ve looked at the $11 and it’s going to pay big dividends because that means ya gotta likely break a $20. Good thing because that leaves most with a $5 in what I can only slyly call another pool. While not endoresed by the league this additional $5 if you choose to indulge – will likely net the winner a cool $450bucks. Show up this Tues with your magic 8 balls and other devices to pick your NHL pool, and be prepared to be blown away by the $5 deal, which will be unveiled with much fanfare and disbelief. I pray this time I got it right – cause fans know I’ve been wrong before – but sources close to the “other” pool indicate someone is going to be very money happy.
Oh- sorry Snowpants, your HANDONMECAC, and that is an illegal device according to Tomcat rules.
Yurri
Razor reminds just how dangerous Ball Hockey can be. Remember, stay hydrated and take it easy out there. The Kuputsa Kow Palace may have a Gummy Granny but there is no defibulator…yet.
Via CBC.ca and Razor
A 38-year-old man died Tuesday night after he went into cardiac arrest during a recreational ball-hockey game at an Ottawa school gymnasium.
Ottawa paramedics said the man collapsed at a Maitland Avenue school at about 6:50 p.m. Bystanders had started CPR before paramedics arrived, but paramedics were unable to resuscitate him. He was later pronounced dead.
Paramedics said an automatic external defibrillator, or AED, a device that is available at all City of Ottawa recreational facilities, was not available in this case.
The presence of an AED may have been a factor in a successful resuscitation just over an hour earlier in Hintonburg.
In that instance, a 52-year-old man was playing hockey at Tom Brown Arena on Bayview Road when he collapsed on the bench.
City staff at the arena started CPR and shocked the man’s heart with their defibrillator.
Paramedics arrived and provided medication intravenously. The man regained a pulse at the scene.
Ottawa Paramedic Service superintendent Paul Morneau said automated defibrillators have saved more than 30 people in the last decade in Ottawa.
Defibrillators are in 800 locations across the city, particularly at city buildings. Morneau said it’s a good idea for any organization that has many people gathering to consider buying one and training staff to use it.
“Basically, the chain of survival is early CPR, early defibrillation, early advanced life support paramedics and then definitive care as well to the hospital,” said Morneau.
…By Dick Fitzwell
Snowsqualls: Snowpants, Sunny, George. Youngblood, Killer and Falcon
Stevo Sting Rays: Stevo, Chevy, Junior, Hollywood, Bulldog and Bearcat Meloche
Lovieville Flyers: Lovie, Shamus, Rocky, Hurricane, Razor, Jingles and Louis the Rake
Yet another Mini Tournament springs up at the Kapusta Kow Palace. That is 5 for the season. No one was complaining though, as there were 1 spare a side and the hockey was fast a furious. “That first game, between the Snowsqualls and the Sting Rays was magnificent, probably the best hockey I have seen this season”, indicated Lovie Edgar who five peated. He has been on the winning team in each of the five mini tournaments. “I don’t know how that works, great team effort, there is no I in team, but there is in Lovie” Lovie Edgar had said with a smile.
Dean Bearcat Meloche came out for the first time this season and got some evil looks from Razor and the Falcon, but then when more players came walking up on stage, they accepted him once again, into the Tomcat fold.
Bearcat Meloche was made the first star with a stellar performance in net and for bringing a 12 pack of MGD, on a ‘just because’ basis. Second star went to Rocky Comartin who had a fantastic night. Third star was taken by Snowpants Ferranti who seemed to be every where, scoring, passing and just being a great leader on the bench.
The super solid of the week goes to Mykel ‘Hollywood’ Jaworiwsky for not just bringing his 24 beers. He brought 36 beers and a number of vodka drinks. Hollywood could have just brought regular beer…..but no…not Hollywood, he The Golden Pheasant and premium beer from Slovakia. Hell, if he was not already nicknamed Hollywood, Im sure he would have been named, Mykel ‘the Golden Pheasant’ Jaworiwsky. In fact I like that, “Hey Golden Pheasant, nice game…”.
Tomcats have a Falcon, a Crow, an Eagle, ( A Sparrow that does not come out anymore) so why not a Golden Pheasant. Not just Pheasant Jaworiwsky, Golden Pheasant Jaworiwsky.
For Stevo’s very cruel practical April Fool’s joke, he did bring a 40 of Wisers that was enjoyed by all.
Two weeks left at the Kapusta Kow Palace, then the out door game. Next week, April 12, it is NHL Playoff Hockey Pool Draft night. Cost is $11 and Tomcats are supplying a 24 MGD for that night along with George Metulynsky’s case of ????? (guessing either 50 or Red Cap…but the Tomcats are hoping for 50)
Only cancellations for next week are Hurricane, LaBamba, Sunny, Spinner and Killer, so come prepared for another mini tournament. Stevo Jaworiwsky tells me, that he is going to change things up a bit and have three, never before Mini Tournament Captains…..so it should be an exciting night.
Bring you NHL Hockey picks, a pen and reading glasses and we will see you next week.
As they say, ‘Tomcats Forever’ and hey hey hey…Dick Fitzwell.
(Harry Palm Press):
You gotta take your hat off to a classy guy like Stevo (AKA -The Commish). When he heard Skippy was unable to attend this evening, he advised the injured goalie to not worry as he’d take care of the case of beer Skippy owed. Class is matched with class, as Skippy adamantly insisted he bring the case owed -and with good reason. Seeing as how long the tender has been missing from the flock, he went way out there for his choice of beverages. I give you “TYSKIE” – a robust and very generous 500ml bottle of bubbly goodness -compared to those inferior 355ml brands. Ok it’s not the MGD endorsed brand of the Tomcats -but it is BEER. Time will tell if the Tomcat players enjoy the illictor as much as Skippy does. When I conference called him he explained the tactic -“Problem is I wanted to show up and see the guys – I was also curious about the rumour of another goalie who’d been called up and has been filling in. Apparently he’s pretty good, and was well liked as he’d brought beer. Unfortunately today I had 8-10 needles of a local anaesthetic put in my hand to assist with my recovery. I just don’t know when that’s gonna wear off -and when it does I’m gonna be curled up in the corner prayin for death. So I went with a premium imported brand with more ml to sweeten the pot. Hope it works – and rest assured I’ll be out to support everyone at the outdoor tourney”. Enough said Skippy, cause any good Tomcat will tell you it is indeed about the beer -and not only does any beer taste good, but free beer is even sweater going down. Now that Skippy is getting better, I’ll have to tell him -umm Yuri HANDZONMECAC.
… by Harry Ballsonue
Team White: George Metulynsky playing goal, Stevo, Bulldog, Tommy ‘the Badger Hienze
Team Black: David Hann playing goal, Junior, Nick ‘MayDay’ Lelyk, Louis the Rake
Team Black wins the evening; 10-5, 10-6, 9-10.
In those days the Tomcats played to 10. (Goaltending equipement changed that) Yes, George Metulynsky as the goalie, thus the nickname ‘The Turk’, named after Turk Broda. Dave Hann was the other goalie. When he was not thinking of the movie, ‘Babe’ he was actually a stellar net minder.
No spares that night, 3 on 3. Plastic sticks, Goalies wore a baseball mit, a hockey glove for a blocker and volly ball knee pads as goalie pads. No mask, no chest protector. (they wore a cup..they were not stupid).
That type of turnout was quite often.
Then, new comers, The Bourque brothers and Miami, the Burriuto brothers and even the Bobbie brothers. Then Ray MacDonell, Mykel Jaworiwsky and Dan Connelly. Then Chris Girard, Gerald Finnerty, Barry Morris, Rich Ditty. Then Dean Colasanti, Mark Jennings, Mike Menzel, Chad Comartin, Johnny Salaris and shortly after that Mike Edgar. Now, Shane Renaud, Now Sammy Salaris, Dave Crawford and Andy Brewin. I have seen them come and go, but now instead of 8 guys, 22! (I know I missed out on many names, but I think you get my point)
You can see the excitement in Steven Jaworiwsky’s eyes as he sets out to make the teams, to make sure everyone is playing, happy and has a sense of belonging. “It’s all about the love”, he says to me, as he walks to his truck, “Guys loving to be with each other and share a story and a beer and a smoke. The hockey is secondary, it’s a sense of belonging and being part of a gang. All you need is love. People want to say that I have been the glue that has held this thing together, but thank George Metulynsky for suggesting it, thank, every guy who has come through the door to play but more so have a beer and laugh, thank every guy, who waits for Tuesday night on Wednesday morning, those are the guys you thank”. He concludes and closes the door to his truck and drives out of the parking lot.
I stand there, thinking, he’s right. It’s the before hockey, and after hockey that counts. And then I realize, after he is already crossing Walker Road, I say outloud for no one to hear, ”Hey……I never got to put my Harry Ballsonue!”
Tuesday night left the Tomcats organization no option but to hold another mini-tournament. Tons of guys showed up ready and willing to go to battle on the Palace floor and then guzzle beers.
Captains were Stevo, Sunny and the Snow-panted one. Lovie was unable to draft this week as he was off taking care of things in Japan. Rumor has it that his company’s drilling caused the earthquake and resulting tsunami. There are those who think he may also be responsible for the assassination of JFK, break dancing, the black plague, big bang, diphtheria and worst of all, Perez Hilton…He did show up just in time to celebrate his team’s tournament victory even though he didn’t actually do anything.
The hockey was very good again with competitive games and great tending. Mikey impressed everyone with his two-pad stack followed by a complete fan-like roll over to the far side, just like the crazy slow-mo save in Mystery Alaska. There was the usual controversy as Jingles had some trouble with the time keeping. Apparently he has never seen any watch other than a digital in his young life. When the uproar began Jingles shrugged and said, “Hey, at least I showed up. Step back dudes”.
Fortunately, cooler heads prevailed and the beer started flowing. That always seems to cool the boys down. George was entirely impressed with the Tyskie beer. Stating, “Hey, these Polish guys really know how to do things. The case has no fucking handles and only fits 20 of the 24 beers”.
There was a celebrity sighting (no, not just Crow). Two members of Duran Duran showed up with ultra-cool shades and futuristic-looking grey jackets. Razor almost jumped out of his towel. OK, fair enough, he’s having trouble keeping anything inside that ratty old tea towel. “I think its Simon LeBon and Andy Taylor,” whispered Razor. Nope, its just Doc and the Matador responded the Falcon. “Our guys don’t tune meat whistles in their spare time”.
Sparky is dancing to Pink in his upcoming competition, apparently to a song called “Raise your glass”. Someone suggested changing the name to “In her ass”. Sunny started singing a little ditty “I like the way you hold your champagne glass, it makes me want to stick my dick in your ass…” or something like that. We were all laughing too hard to hear the rest. The boys toned it down a little bit and contented themselves with forcing Spark to wear his grade 10 Daisy Dukes in the competition. Any of you who do not have tickets yet should get them. Call Sparky if interested. A number of the Tomcats will be going, including Stevo, Sunny, Hollywood, Crow, Lovie, and Doc among others. Oh yeah, THEY SERVE ALCOHOL.
Snowpants thought it was funny that Chevy had the 90-year-old man dress socks up to the calves look going. “I bet he would have those on with sandals watering his concrete driveway if he wasn’t running around playing hockey” laughed Bulldog.
Junior returned to many cheers and pats on the back…until about 3 seconds into his first shift when he slashed Rocky in the throat. Just kidding, Junior’s aggressive style of play has been missed, and he only got him in the upper chest, not the esophagus. Junior was not as happy about the way Tomcat Tuesdays go nowadays. He was angry about the mini tourney, the new players, his stick as well as the Tyskie. Someone said he once was angry about a blowjob. He relaxed after a few drinks but flared up again when Razor suggested that he looked like a cross between Spud Webb, Regis Philbin, Gary Coleman.
The boys piled over to Purples for some lively debate over the best hockey town between Doc and Matty. The Matador backed Toronto while Doc sang the praises of Vancouver. Yes, you read that correctly, Vancouver. Where they sell fucking sushi. After some good arguments both ways Crow suggested that Doc might have sampled some of that crazy good weed while he lived out on the chilled out coast. Matty cleared it up, saying that the mushrooms are actually the best export from BC. You learn something every day. Regardless, Doc took his frustrations out on Lovie’s leg with constant hammer fists, which Lovie seems to have a hard time remembering as he always sits beside him. As Harry Ballsonue reported, Vince Boomba pulled a hugely classy maneuver by ordering up a pizza for the boys. He is all right, as are Crow, Skippy and Matty who were kind enough to take care of the bevies.
All the boys entered the kitchen in jest when leaving Purples and the sound of Tomcat laughter floated out into the evening…
Bloggy Bloggerstein
Players don’t like the mini tournament & LaBamba Solid on and off the Floor
…by Harry Ballsonue
Snow Squalls: Snowpants, Crow, Cribz, Bulldog, Sparky, Hollywood and Jingles
Sunnyville Huskies: LaBamba, Lovie, Rocky, Shamus, Falcon and Doc
Stevo’s Stingrays: Stevo, Chevy, Razor, Junior, the Matador, the Rake and Killer
Playing in only half the tournament, Lovie Edgar four peated on Tuesday night, winning his fourth mini tournament, playing for the Sunnyside Huskies, “It is an honour to be bestowed on me, I have to thank my teammates, I am only one player, and there is no I in team” Lovie had said.
In a second controversy in as many tournaments, the Polish ref and time keeper, kept stopped time, in the second set of games and playing 7 minute periods, it was to be 5 minute, no stop time periods for the last three games. “I did not know, no one told me”, stated a bewildered Kevin ‘Jingle’ Kuprowski. “It is my fault, I assumed he knew, I take full responsibility for it” indicated mini tournament organizer and hated man, Stevo Jaworiwsky. The controversy was that the Stevo Sting Rays were leading 3-2 with what appeared to be no time left on the clock, but when inquires were made, Kuprowski stated that 2 minutes and 9 seconds still remained in the period, but two and half minutes before, he had indicated that there were 2 minutes and 36 seconds left. The Huskies scored a goal to tie the game and then the game was stopped. It was kept a tie so the Husky fans would not demonstrate in the streets, turn over cars and burn buildings. When Junior was asked about it, he had this to say: ” The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy My brothers. And you will know My name is the Lord when I lay My vengeance upon thee”.
And speaking of the mini tournament, it has been made open by a number of players that they do not like the mini tournament format, Mike Menzel, Ken Cribley, Ray MacDonell and Chad Comartin all very respected Windsor Tomcats do not enjoy the format. “I just don’t like the sitting around” indicated Mike Menzel. When I spoke to the very much hated Stevo Jaworiwsky, for organizing these events, he was confused and a bit taken back by the fact that guys did not like the tournament, “I don’t know what to say”, Jaworiwsky said, holding back tears, “I try to make it the best I can for everyone, I don’t know what to do then, do we tell players that they are no longer needed? If we do that, who do we cut”? Jaworiwsky asked. One option, as suggested by Ken Cribley would be to have the first 18 guys play, “guys know it starts at 6:30, first 18 through the fire escape door play” Cribley had suggested. “I don’t know what we should do” stated Rocky Comartin, then added, “what would some options be?” Some options would be to cut roster players for next year. It could be done by the attendance list from the start of the year. “We invited 5 new players this year to play full time, Soupy, Crow, Doc, Skippy and Shamus because attendance had dwindled off last year. This year we had injuries at the start of the season with Louis Koenigsberger and Paul Poisson” Stevo Jaworiwsky had stated. Poisson only made his very first appearance last night for the year.
If you ask me, I like the format, guys seem to work hard and they get a good cardio workout going. Out of the 24 weeks the Tomcats play, they have had 4 mini tournaments, that means 20 Tuesdays’ they had regular hockey and correct me if I’m wrong on March 8 there were no spares. So the only solution would be to those who do not like it, when you show up, say, “ahhh mini tournament, I’m out of here” and leave.
Like it or not, 95% of the guys were still on stage at quarter to ten having a pop, even Bulldog and Rocky stayed and had a vodka drink, so something has to be right with the Tuesday night hockey….even if it is just socializing and what’s wrong with that?
As customary, in the mini tournament, the three star selection was made: #3 Razor MacDonell, #2 Falcon Menzel and #1 Hollywood Jaworiwsky.
One star that needs mentioning, even though he was dressed quite weird last night, with some sort of Los Angeles Skid Row look going on (just missing the shopping cart) was Vince ‘LaBamba’ Vlaminck, who was super solid on the Kapusta Kow Floor playing his usual Nick Linstrom way and then pulled a super solid at Purples and ordered pizza for the boys. The super solid star goes to LaBamba Vlaminck!!
And speaking of solid, Skippy Renaud’s night for beer, still out with the hand injury, has his case of Tyskie (Premium Beer from Poland) dropped off at the Kapusta Kow, the man just does not go with a regular case of Molson Canadian..he goes with a tasty beer from Europe and two more solids to add, David “Crow” Crawford and Matty ‘the Matador’ Youssef brought 15 Bud Light ‘just because’. This is the Tomcat Spirit alive and very very well. You got to love these boys….I know Tomcats won’t be cutting these guys!!!
And I wonder, if Stevo was not there one night and 22 guys showed up would you play a tournament or play with 6 spares aside I wonder this, as you are leaving in a huff because too many guys showed up as I put my Harry Ballsonue!
Windsor Tomcats 