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Stallone, Schwarzenneger, Willis, Statham, Eastwood, The Rock. Who is the greatest action star of all-time? I’ve got 3 words for ya … CHUCK FREAKIN’ NORRIS! How tough is Chuck? Here are just a few Chuck Norris facts:
Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.
Death once had a near Chuck Norris experience.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life.
Chuck Norris once got bit by a rattlesnake…..after three days of agonizing pain…the rattlesnake died.
Chuck Norris can start a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.
Chuck Norris made a Happy Meal cry.
Some people wear Superman pyjamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pyjamas.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was one problem … it wouldn’t take shit from anyone.
Chuck Norris is the only man to punch a cyclops between the eyes.
Chuck Norris once played who will blink first with a mirror, and won.
Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil.
Chuck Norris does not have hair on his testicles because hair does not grow on steel.
Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. That same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King and got one.
Some people piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Chuck Norris once ate a 10 pound steak in an hour. He spent the first 55 minutes banging the waitress.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass …. at night.
The phrase ‘dead ringer’ refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
There are no such things as tornadoes. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn’t kill women.
Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a “Who has more testicles” contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
Stay tuned for more from The Razor!!
A beautiful day and a beautiful bride make for a beautiful wedding, and that is what took place for Soupy and Serta on the 7th of June. The sun was shining and the bride and groom were beaming with nervousness and happiness. The crowd gathered inside of St. Mary’s church in Maidstone, a lovely church that many years ago saw the marriage of Serta’s Mother and Father. The pews were filled with anxious friends and family and 6 rows back on the right hand side sat the Tomcat and Minx crew, looking dapper and lovely and ready for the days events.
When the ceremony ended we said goodbye to single Serta and said hello to Mrs. Soupy. No longer will Natalie be named after a horizontal piece of furniture meant for rest or fun extra curricular activities; and no longer will Soupy have rest or have an abundance of extra curricular activities…..they have now entered marriage bliss (AKA The End).
The reception started off with a bang; literally…..Doc, Chico and Lovie ran to the bar so fast when they arrived that they smacked right into it. Drinks in hand the crowd geared up for an amazing meal and then settled in to speeches. Although lovely and heartfelt, you could spy many table dancers (Beeps and Mrs Beeps) in the room as the dance music from the adjoining wedding spun up roughly 1hour before the party kicked off at the Salaris wedding. Sunny did a great job as MC and to the surprise of the Tomcats and Minx (and blank stares from the rest of the room), Soupy mentioned the Tomcats and Minx in his speech. This warm gesture almost took a sour turn when it looked like “Tomcats Forever” might be sung at the mic……can you imagine!!!
Soon after (.0001 seconds) in full racer stance, Schneider, The Cleaver, Kamikaze, Mrs. Kamikaze, Hollywood and Mrs. Hollywood leaped to the open bar; where newcomer Snowpants was handsomely waiting, in anticipation for the hilarity’s that ensued. The photographer that set up for the evening to capture wonderful memories for the newly married couple was hijacked for a better portion of the night to take semi-pornographic pics of the Tomcat and Minx crowd. Less than impressed but getting paid by the hour, the photographer took a myriad of shots that will probably never see the light of day (or the dark of a dark room).
After the DJ played the “Chicken Dance”, Schneider and The Cleaver thought it best to have a word with the disc jokey and get the party started. As the song “SHOTS” rang out across the elegantly decorated room at the Center for the Arts…..the party began!
It was a spectacular day and one for the Tomcats and Minx history books. The coming together of two great people to make one awesome team……
Congratulations Soupy and Mrs Soupy, may your journey together be full of joy, ball hockey and volleyball mixers!!! Love you guys.
By Harry Ballsonue
The Tomcat NHL Hockey play off pool is over and Lovie is crowned the champ. Interestingly enough, Crow, who won the regular season pool, comes in 3rd in the Play Off Pool, if the Tomcats are looking for a future scout and or possible General Manager, they may not need to look further then in their own back yard and select Crow.
Lovie wins $100, Kamikaze wins $40 and Crow for third place wins $10. Congratulations guys, good picking!
Here is how it all shook out in the end: (With a quote from each Player)
Lovie 162 points “Thank You Boys, Thank you LA”
Kamikaze 118 points “I told you Montreal and Chicago would do well”
Crow 116 points “Damn that Kamikaze, 3 points and I would have been in the bigger money.”
Tunes 89 “I was happy to participate….wait till next year’s regular season pool.”
Sparky 86 “I think this is the best I have ever done, 6th place, I’ll take it!”
Sea Lion 83 “I had first pick, the pick you need in this thing is in the middle somewhere.”
Chico 74 “I wanted to pick more goalies, but they would not let me.”
Matador 73 “Hey I picked Boston, Montreal, Chicago, Dallas, I had it all spread out….”
Sheep Dog 57 “If only Ben Bishop had played, things would have been much different.”
Cribzie 53 “I don’t know where I went wrong….”
La Bamba 52 “I had 4 St Louis Blues and I had 4 Pittsburgh Penguins, I thought I was winning the whole thing”
Hurricane 43 “This is the worst I have ever done, ever, ever…I can’t believe it, I’m down, I’m depressed, I’m in for next year!”
Jingles 38 “I can’t believe the Red Wings did not win the Cup….something is wrong here.”
Stevo 26 “With no Leafs, I had no idea what to do…next year! You wait and see, next year, I will get some Leafs…next year!”
Congrats to the winners and to the losers, if you had not participated then you would not have had any fun. Is there anything more fun than sitting on stage in the 4th round and saying “hey, is Crosby taken”.
Tomcats will run the regular season pool next year as well…get your $11 ready.
Hey, Whilst you are checking out the stats for the regular season pool, do you think I can put my Harry Ballsonue.
Coming up…an update rgarding Soupy’s recent nuptuals!
By Harry Ballsonue
Beautiful weather, beautiful course, beautiful people, thats what you get when you go to the Tomcat Golf Outing. Alumni Tomcat Crispy took the tournament with a smooth 77, runner up went to Razor, at 78. The ‘Mosts Honest Golfer’ went to Jingles who shot a crusty 114.
“Great day out there today”, indicated Crispy, “great to be back out and seeing the boys” Concluded Crispy. Fantastic for the fans to see Crispy, Bucko, Fuzzy and Finner in the tournament. “We had a great time”, stated Finner.
29 golfers played this year and that was a recored as for the number of golfers, Snowpants did a fantastic job organizing the event, “Lots of credit goes out to Snowpants,” stated May Day, and then added, “He puts in an incredible amount of effort, and it is very appreciated” May Day concluded.
Snowpants was presented with a box of Titleist Golf balls for his efforts.
Thanks also goes out to the prize donators, Chevy, The Rake and Snowpants.
“I’m not sure what golfing in heaven is like, but I would think it would be similar to the conditions that we had today, sunny, no humidity, 75 degrees but maybe no wind….it was a bit windy out there today.
Other prizes went to Closest to the pin, Killer on one hole and Sheep Dog on another and the longest drive went to Fuzzy. Congrats to those fine golfers.
Many laughs were had at Hollywood’s after for the post golf party. I was not allowed into the palatial palace of Hollywood’s, in La Salle, but I was told (by text) that some chuckles were out there but the Tomcat would not tell him who the laughter was all about.
Snowpants, did also want to thank Lady Di and Hollywood for hosting the party, yet once again. “We really appreciate them doing this for us, the food was a smash hit with everyone, Hollywood and Lady Di do such a fantastic job.” Special thnaks also to The Rake for taking part in preparing the food for the boys as well!
A special guest appearance at the party, if you missed it was Hollywood’s and Stevo’s Mom, Vera. She did not make any speeches or anything, but was there to meet and greet the Tomcats.
Once again, for the 16th year in a row, a fantastic time was had by all, and the balls were smashed down the fairway…the food was a smash hit with everyone and some of the Tomcats, were a bit smashed too. No one drove him smashed…..the Tomcats had D.D.’s for fun loving.
Hey, whilst you go back for more of the Sovlaki night in Canada, can I put my Harry Ballsonue.
Is your brain in 1st Gear or Neutral???
1st QUESTION:
YOU ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE. YOU OVERTAKE THE SECOND PERSON, WHAT POSITION ARE YOU IN?
ANSWER : IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU’RE FIRST, THEN YOU’RE ABSOLUTELY WRONG! IF YOU OVERTAKE THE SECOND PERSON AND YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU’RE IN SECOND PLACE!TRY TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME. NOW ANSWER THE SECOND QUESTION, BUT DON’T TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS YOU TOOK FOR THE FIRST QUESTION.
2nd QUESTION: IF YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, THEN YOU’RE….?
ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU’RE SECOND TO LAST, THEN YOU’RE …….. WRONG AGAIN. TELL ME SUNSHINE, HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON?? YOU’RE NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS, ARE YOU?
3rd QUESTION: VERY TRICKY ARITHMETIC! THIS MUST BE DONE IN YOUR HEAD ONLY. DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR. TRY IT.
ANSWER: TAKE 1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000 NOW ADD 30. ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 20. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 10. WHAT IS THE TOTAL? DID YOU GET 5000? THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY 4100. IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE IT, CHECK IT WITH A CALCULATOR! TODAY IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT?
4th QUESTION: MARY’S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS: 1. NANA, 2. NENE, 3… NINI, 4. NONO, AND ??? WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH DAUGHTER?
DID YOU ANSWER NUNU? NO! OF COURSE IT ISN’T. HER NAME IS MARY! READ THE QUESTION AGAIN!
OKAY, NOW THE BONUS ROUND, A FINAL CHANCE TO REDEEM YOURSELF. A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A TOOTHBRUSH. BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE SUCCESSFULLY EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE PURCHASE IS DONE. NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS?
ANSWER: IT’S REALLY VERY SIMPLE HE OPENS HIS MOUTH AND ASKS FOR IT… DOES YOUR EMPLOYER ACTUALLY PAY YOU TO THINK?? IF SO DO NOT LET THEM SEE YOUR ANSWERS FOR THIS TEST!
(NO TOMCATS WERE INJURED IN THE CREATION OF THIS TEST)
One word can describe the Minx vs Tomcats Volleyball game and after party…..SPIKED!!!
From the epic Spike failures of KAMIKAZE on the volleyball court to the Spiked drink successes at DOC and The CLEAVERs Pool party!!
With a 3 game series the Minx were defeated by the Tomcats but not for lack of effort; especially on the part of JAZZY JAZZ, holding her MVP status again this year.
Windsor Minx…the weather wasn’t the only hot thing on the day!
The Minx take time out from their Maxim photo shoot to pose for the Tomcat press!
What a great turnout and the weather couldn’t have been any better. Apparently it wasn’t hot enough to detour the man-love between CROW and STEVO, as they were seen in the Hot tub alone together on many occasions throughout the evening.
ROCKY and ROXY were in great form, on and off the court…..what gym do these two belong to because I think we all need to join for next years game!!
A big thank you goes out to CROW and The CLEAVER for saving SNOWPANTS life in the pool. Apparently his drinks were Spiked too much and his natural swimming ability was lost at around midnight. CROW pulled him out and The CLEAVER banished him to sit on the pool stairs for the rest of the evening (such a Mom move)!!
Nice to see some new faces at the game and in the pool (BECK and KAT), although I think KAT’s face was probably the last thing all the Tomcats were looking at!!! DOC and CHICO enjoyed throwing KAT in the air while SCHNEIDER made sure to support her tushy, quite a scene!! With the new addition of Minx Jody this year…the teams Jodi-Factor was doubled, awesome!!
The Tomcats showing they can look good on the sand court…If you think Doc is hot in a Minx shirt, you should have seen the Minx who took of hers to give to Doc…had to be there I guess!
Somebody needs to tell SHEEP DOG to never wear white shorts to a pool party……they were not opaque very long!! Opps…
BEEP made it out but had to leave early to drive to Toronto….boo!! SOUPY made it out solo this year, leaving all the last minute wedding preparations to his way better-half SERTA, another epic celebration coming our way next weekend!!
Thank you to everyone who participated and the planning is already underway for next years event!!
If your better-half wants to become a Minx please have them contact The CLEAVER at jodiburniston@hotmail.com
The whole gang…another terrific Tomcat/Minx event in the books.
With the BoD meeting in the rear view mirror, the Tomcats found another reason to get together and drink. Great turnout for Soupy’s bachelor party last Friday. Tomcats both young and old, new comers and wiley veterans, came out to have some drinks with the boys and see Soupy off into marital bliss. Besides flirting with all the ladies at the Bull and Barrel, a few brave Tomcats also flirted with danger by taking on the mechanical bull…including the man of the evening himself…
The highlight of the night was the young waitress looking to get tabs paid and asked one of the Tomcats, “where is the short old guy wearing a brown coat?”
The festivities concluded at Uncle Leo’s place where several Tomcats took in the sights and sounds in true Windsor fashion.
What’s Next?
Tomcat vs Minx volleyball this Saturday with after party at Doc and Jodi’s place. Bring your swimwear and make sure to double knot ladies!
Tomcat Golf Tournament – June 13 with after party at Hollywood’s. 32 golfers…largest tournament ever!
Tomcat Bottle Opener Dog Tags – Remember to wear your tag while you travel and get a picture of you (or preferably a cute lady) wearing the tag in some location outside of Windsor.
Till next time,
Howie Feltersnatch
By Harry Ballsonue
Stevo is wearing a black suit, white dress shirt and a tie with some faded greens and golds. Rocky is wearing a black suit with a white dress shirt and orange and light orange shades in his tie. Both look like G-Man, as the press conference is about to start….
“First of all, thanks to everyone for being here this morning…..” Stevo starts off.
“The Board of Directors met and even though it was my intention to step down as President of the Tomcats, I have been asked to stay on for another 1 to 2 years and enter, as the Board calls it, ‘a transition phase”, with Rocky becoming the Vice President and CEO of the Windsor Tomcats.” Stevo continues, “Hollywood, my dear Brooozzer, will remain on the Board of Directors, but is no longer the Vice President.”
Rocky indicated, “I am very happy that Stevo is remaining as the President, the entire board hates the thought of Stevo stepping down. I will gladly assume my new role as Vice President and CEO and do what is needed. I think Stevo will always be ‘The President’ in my books.”
As one insider indicated, when they found out Stevo was to remain the President, “Ahh…No one wants to be in his shadow when he is still playing. Stevo must leave the game before a successor takes over, or Rocky must kill him first. It’s like the Game of Thrones.”
Razor was extremely passionate when it came to Stevo remaining as President…“I love that guy, I think he should stay as President, and his idea of delegating is a good one, if he does that and remains on, then perfect!”
Present at the meeting: Kamikaze, Sparky, The Turk, Rocky, Snowpants,, Soupy, Zaba, Sunny, Razor, Rake, Doc, Chico and Stevo. Security provided by Big Ned. Catering provided by Lady Alex.
Highlights
• $40 to remain cost at the start of the season, $5 each night (Unless the hall rental goes up)
• Start of the season gift, to be organized by Doc and Razor, looking at a ball cap
• Financial picture shows Tomcats are at $600 in the coffers
• Captains for next year’s major tournament : Doc, Rake, Chico, Sparky
• Tournament is Saturday February 28, 2015
• Twitter: Chico has set up a Twitter account and will be responsible for it
• When two teams playing, Soupy is main ‘team maker’ and Rocky is the back up
• Out Door game set for April 28, 2015
• New Blooger Hired, The Hockey Puck Poet will write a blog every second week
• Part Timers, Sheep Dog, Tunes, Kamikaze and Flintstone to remain part time and will not start at the start of next season, will be called up ‘as required’.
• Falcon to assist Rocky in Web site up dates. (Rocky to bring Falcon aboard and provide training)
• Beer list is now the responsibility of Soupy
• Christmas Present to be decided upon by Rocky
• Christmas Party is November 28, 2014 and Chevy, Sunny and Snowpants are in charge of the party
• Charity Committee formed, Chico to head it up, $10 to be collected for hockey from each player in the month of November and March
• Rocky to be reimbursed for the Web Site cost
• Vice Presidency: Hollywood to remain on the Board of Directors but no longer Vice President
• Clothing for Christmas party – NO Tomcat tee shirts or Sweat Pants, YOU MUST wear proper business casual attire
• Next Year’ Board of Directors Meeting will be once again opened up to every Tomcat member.
• Venue for next year’s meeting still to be established
New Business……Highlights
• “Best group of guys I’ve ever been involved with” ~ Chico
• Chico is the new Minister of Charities and will be forming committee to give money to a charity of the committee’s choice
• Snowpants suggested during the summer months that ‘Minx of the Month’ be posted, with tid bits of information about them
• Sunny asks that everyone try to be on time as it is a 6:30 start. In a mini, the Captain will NOT be allowed to move from being a B team on the schedule to a C team, if guys that he drafted are not there, and his team has the first game, that team starts their game with full team or short of players…
• Zaba will be organizing a trip to Columbus to watch the Leafs. Date to be looked into once NHL Schedule released Zaba wants everyone to go!
• Dom Polski, due to the fact that we did not go to Dom Polski, this year, the Tomcats will attend Dom Polski one night this year instead of going to Purples and Dom Polski will always be the venue for libations after the outdoor game.
In the end, last year ran very smoothly and the Tomcats thank everyone for their vested interest and deep participation.
Next event is the Tomcat vs Minx Volleyball (May 31st) and then the Tomcat golf outing, June 13 at Seven Lakes.
Season to start September 16, 2014
Tomcats Forever!
By Harry Ballsonue
A picture tells a thousand words. The empty stage with the empty chairs, quite different from just a few weeks ago, with 21 guys milling around…..
Start your off season workouts.
May 20th Board of Directors Meeting coming up…if you plan to attend, please let Stevo know, if you have not already let him know…..
‘Did I let him know? ”…you ask yourself, well here is who is on the list to attend…(if your name is not on the list, then you have not let Stevo know).
Attending: Chico, Rake, Snowpants, Doc, Zaba, Sunny, Hollywood, Sparky, Rocky, Jingles.
Stevo supplying some eats and beer, so it would be nice for him to know if you are coming or not…
I am not going to Costa Rica this year..as my girlfriend (in Costa Rica )says she no longer loves me….I have no place to stay in Costa Rica, so I am laying low here in Windsor for the summer….so I may write another blog or 5 as the summer rolls on.
Happy Golfing Tomcats!
And hey, whilst you are staring at the picture of the empty orange chairs on the stage, do you mind if I put my Harry Ballsonue?
TOMCATS FOREVER!
Now the seats are all empty
Let the roadies take the stage
Pack it up and tear it down
They’re the first to come and last to leave
Working for that minimum wage
……Jackson Browne
There is something to be said about the first Tuesday night after hockey ends, ‘what do I do with myself’…‘gee the weather isn’t all that great, we should have maybe played one more week’…and “should I go for a run?’ or ‘I miss the guys already.’
When Tomcat Hockey season turns into BBQ season, you know it’s time to put away the hockey gear and bring out the patio furniture.
I thought the year was one of our best. No incidents, a fantastic Christmas party, a great tournament, we always had beer on stage and there was a general high level of hockey throughout the year.
We had very good turnouts overall, we had a record amount of mini tournaments…and the Super Mini at the end of the year was a great deal of fun and a great way to end the season.
I thank EVERYONE for participating this year, I thank those that slid off the couch and came in on a night where maybe it would have been easier to just lay on the couch.
I thank those, who were suppose to bring a 12 pack but ended up bringing a 24 (I think we all do). I thank those that brought beer, just because…(you know who you are). I thank those who brought snacks….I thank Rocky for all his work with the web site and for putting up with Harry Ballsonue…..I thank the goalies for coming out each week…..I thank Chevy and Amy for sponsoring the outdoor game and to those who set up each week and then tore it down at the end of the night, thank you!…just like Jackson Browne says, ‘Pack it up and tear it down.’
Everyone will be missed…..everyone will be thought of…
If you are coming to the May 20th meeting, please let me know.
I will then see most of you on the 13th for our golfing party. If you can’t golf, come to my Broozzer’s after for a beer and shish ka bob….
I miss everyone already….stay beautiful, I truly do love you guys!
Stevo,
President.
Windsor Tomcats
Windsor Tomcats 