…by Harry Ballsonue
Hellcats: Falcon, Hollywood, Lovie, Snowpants, Shamus, Chevy and Yuri
Blackcats: Razor, Crow, Spinner, Youngblood, Rocky and Stevo
7-5, 3-7, 5-1. Hellcats win.
If Razor plays hockey in the tournament, like he did last night, you might as well give the Polka Kings the Stanley’s Cup as they walk in on the 26th and let the drinking begin. Razor made save after save after save. Only sharpshooter Lovie Edgar was able to solve the Razor. Shamus, who usually can nail them in pretty good, was on the score sheet with only one goal on the night. But don’t think for a moment, the Falcon was a slouch, no way!!! the Falcon made some pretty darn great saves on Stevo close in, when it looked like he had the Falcon down and out, out came a black leather flash and a glove save was made.
“Any time I can get the Falcon to lay on his belly, it means more to me then a goal”, Stevo Jaworiwsky had said and smiled.
David ‘Crow’ Crawford was his usual Mario Lemieux self setting up plays, dangling, zipping, skipping all the way on the score sheet. Spinner Dzibela shot a rocket into the top shelf, right where Grandma keeps the peanut butter.
Strong performances were also exhibited by Chevy, Doc, Yuri, Youngblood and Hollywood. Snowpants, who was still hanging onto the effects if a bad cold, struggled, but notched two goals on the night.
At one time, the big man, Chevy Szcewczuk crashed Andy ‘Doc’ Brewin into the cement wall. After the large thump and the words, “play the ball” were yelled they continued to play the game of hockey, but after the game, Doc Brewin said, “I always don’t know if I am going to be dropping the gloves with Chevy or not”.
Two and Two spares made for a great night of hockey, all in preparation for the upcoming February 26, Tomcat Hockey Tournament.
At the tournament, maybe behind the curtain, ready your forehead and I’ll slip my Harry Ballsonue.
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Compliments of Lovie:
Bonus vid of what Turco thinks of McGuire:
By Heywood Jewblowmee
As I write this article, the tournament is only 14 days away. Sparky Renaud was the first to bow out. No worries, like a war or peace keeping, replacements were on the way. Then Louis ‘the Rake’ Koenigsberger went down with an upper body injury, believed to be the right shoulder. Tomcats are now saying Louis will be out till the tournament. He may play, he may Coach, but he will be there (What a trooper). LaBamba Vlaminck is 95% out, is what I am being told, but if you love to watch a Nicklas Linstrom type player, you hope that he will be there. It is work related and he has warned the Tomcat organization.
Then there is Junior. Has not played all year and is hoping to play come tournament time, come hell or high water. That could prove interesting, it would be nice to see him come out on a Tuesday and just see if he could pivot and play, but his status is known….he is injured.
Now comes Soupy Salaris. Selected in third round by the Jingles Jets and was to be a key component of the Crawford-Dzibela-Salaris scoring line, but now, Soupy is out so that he can sell Sklar Peppler and Lazy Boy to Windsor furniture buyers. No worries, it is work and that is a priority, but interesting how this whole Karma thing works. You tell me there is no Karma Police (Radiohead is the band by the way, great song). There is such a thing as the Karma Police. Which player never showed up for the tournament last year, and never said anything to anyone? Hint, he is the Captain of the Jingle Jets. Answer: Kevin Kuprowski. (was fined a case and half of beer and paid it up)
Which Captain, selected Soupy Salaris and now, will be missing a key player in the tournament? Hint, he is the Captain of the Jingle Jets. Answer; Kevin Kuprowski.
Karma is out there. You get what you deserve.
Be aware. Tomcat Karma is out there too. Bring beers, share, love and don’t hurt anyone.
“Karma Police arrest this man, he talks in maths, he buzzes like a fridge, he’s like a detuned radio” Radiohead
And I know, one day, I will meet another Harry Ballsonue and he will say, ‘Come here Mr. Man, I want to put my Harry Ballsonue”!!!
Sparky turns down Captain’s role and Soupy doling out 30% off love-seats instead of sweet feeds at Tomcat Tourney!
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There is a major undercurrent of uncertainty in Tomcat Nation right now after word has filtered out that Sparky Renaud, upper echelon Tomcat official, has stepped down from a Tomcat Tournament Captaincy.
“I can’t believe that clown” said Jingles Kuprowski “I’d give my left nut to be a captain and he turns it down like an offer to large size his Big Mac combo at the drive through”. The guys were nice enough to explain to Lovie that you could actually turn down the large size offer.
Stevo wasted no time reminding Jingles that, A, he actually is a captain this year, and B, that the only reason he is a captain is to try and ensure he will actually show up for the spectacle this year.
When called to comment, Sparky replied that he had a work function to attend to and he was disappointed. “I told the sweetie that if I had to I would quit my job to make the tournament. Then I heard Soupy was out, so what the hell?”
The Associated Press contacted Soupy Salakis just before press time and he offered his apologies. “I was so jacked for my first tourney, but that Leon fella is a hard-ass. I hope I still get invited to Christmas at Cousin Sunny’s” said Salakis.
On a related note, Sunny may be getting his 4-star GM rating slashed to a 2. Stevo was overheard behind the curtain. “I can’t argue with the talent level of Soupy and Boomba. They are great players. You could sign up Gretzky and Lemieux for the Tomcats, but if they never come out what kind of manager are you? I have brought out Crow and Brewin who are lighting up the league and all anyone talks about is Sunny and his goddamn Husky Eyes.”
There has been no word from Sunny yet, but Falcon has been picking up increased activity from Greek mafia on the interweb. Stay tuned.
…Buster Hymen
Tuesday night was a season low for attendance. It seems that many players incorrectly thought it was Sparky’s Dancing with Myself Event and went to the Casino. Instructions on this event will follow later. Word on the street is that there was also a 2-for-1 beef on a bun at Silvers which also limited attendance. When called by cell phone, Youngblood commented in a hard-to-understand voice as he hungrily drilled back his sandwich: “You just can’t beat shaved roast beef”…
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Hollywood, aka Toe Blake did the best he could with the minimal numbers he had to work with:
Team Carbon Black consisted of Razor “the Reflex”, the power play quarterback Yuri Met, Husky Eyes aka “Adam Oates” and the recent goal-scoring juggernaut they call Shamus.
Team Whitehead was made up of Mike “Edie” Falcone, Killer “the converted Muslim” Colisanti, Mikey “Slats” Hollywood and the sniper known only as Spinner.
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The result of the game was a blackout of gargantuan proportion, similar to the one that knocked out power on the entire east coast of North America in 2005 when Junior went ballistic due to being unable to access his Plenty of Fish account for 2 and a half days. The passing was sublime and the goals were hot and heavy…from the Black Attack.
“It seemed like the floor was tilted down toward our goal” said Menzel as he applied aloe to his very sensitive 3rd degree shoulder burn while throwing back about 8 beers. “Then came game 2 and 3…” he said as he slowly curled into the fetal position beside his hockey bag and began sucking his thumb. Someone suggested spooning the Falcon to offer him some support. George’s response was direct and to the point as usual. “You want a spoon? Go get one in the fucking drawer. Jesus, you guys…”
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Game two included the appearance of Lovie for Team Whitehead. Unfortunately, this did nothing to change the fortunes of the club. Shamus, who is normally very generous with his praise and encourages the direct correlation of beer consumption to the quality of play, suggested that Lovie try “going dry” for this week. In fact, many players were angry with Lovie for showing up as the beer allotment had been thrown into confusion by adding another body. Apparently some guys understood there would be no math involved…
The score ended 7-3 or somewhere in that neighborhood. Black were scoring so fast I actually could not keep up from the Gondola. Poor Falcon was facing 2 and 3 on ones all game. The 3-on-3 was opening up the game like a grade nine girl after a Vodka and OJ and the Black guys were taking full advantage. It was so degrading that Spinner left. He was concerned that being around such a debacle could hurt his reputation. Team White looked around at each other, but really could not argue the point. As a pillar of the community directing the future of the country, no one could blame him. (Plus, it brought the beer per capita back up to pre-Lovie levels)
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It was decided that a 5-goal third game would be played. Mike squared and Killer did their best to cough up every pass attempt directly to the opposing team, although they did spice it up by getting ridiculously bad bounces off the plumbing, pounding “passes” directly over the boards into George’s change room and also a few scattered ones into the curtain. Lovie especially, seems to have a real knack for taking out light bulbs. To top it all off, Hollywood took a stick directly in the eye. “Razor basically gave me a Lasic procedure” said Mikey, “except for the 2″ long splinter jammed into my cornea”.
After jumping out to a 3-0 lead due to some really nice playmaking between the Trifecta of Sunny, George and Shamus, Team Whitehead actually made a slight comeback started by the hustle of Killer who knocked in a rebound on the 17th attempt. “Now that is effort”, said Razor “Killer makes Pete Rose look like a lazy, degenerate gambler…oh, uh. You know what I mean…
Not satisfied with totally humiliating their opponents, winning all three games and raping and pillaging the White village, Shamus had the nerve to trip Hollywood on a partial breakaway. That was the last straw. The Whitenheimers pretty much laid down like a dog in the heat and took their medicine. George ended up with 3 GWG and then everyone explained to Sunny that they were not blue jeans, but game-winning goals.
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Talk on the stage was great and a variety of topics were discussed, including strip joints, dancing bears, The Beanery, Asian persuasions, Junior’s interpersonal skills and did I mention strippers? OK, we only had one topic, but the convo was great.
Someone brought up the recent new story of a fireman responding to a house with smoke showing. Apparently he used his axe to create a small hole in the door and was trying to reach in and unlock the door. At some point during the event the dumbass who was crushed after his SuperBowl party and threw a Dellissio in the oven before passing out in a heap actually woke up. Unsure what was going on he grabbed a baseball bat, called his shot Babe-style and proceeded to pound the shit out of this firefighter’s meathook. We were enjoying the story and chuckling when Razor spoke up. “It’s lucky he didn’t do a Jack Nicholson “Here’s Johnny”, they could have called it “The Shiner”.
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It just goes to show that as Killer says, “when life gives you lemons, you can make lemonade…as long as they are fresh. Produce is critical. You really have to look out for the blight, it really dries those suckers out and then there isn’t much juice to squeeze……………”.
Tomcat hockey is a lot like BJ’s, even a bad one is good.
I’m Buster Hymen, filling in for Harry, who will have his Harry Ballsonue if you don’t do what Don Cherry says and keep your head up.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
08:30hrs Jingles Jets vs. Rocky’s Wings
09:00hrs The Young Bloods vs. The Polka Kings
09:30hrs Full Windsor Tomcat Team Picture
10:00hrs Rocky’s Wings vs. The Young Bloods
10:30hrs Polka King’s vs. Jingles Jets
11:00hrs Rocky’s Wings vs. Polka Kings
11:30hrs The Young Bloods vs. Jingles Jets
12:30hrs Championship Game
_____________ vs. ______________
13:00hrs Celebration
13:30hrs Awards & Presentation of Stanley’s Cup
15:30hrs Purples; Dinner and Drinks
….by Heywood Jewblowmee
The Young Bloods: Youngblood, Finner, Lovie, Shamus, Nick Lelyk, Bulldog, Mes and Rob ‘the Danish’ Dienesh (Goalie)
Rocky’s Wings: Rocky, Crispy, Chevy, Bubbles, LaBamba, Snowpants Junior, and Skippy
Polka Kings: Mykel Jaworiwsky, Sunny Salaris, Mark Jennings, Yuri Met, Stevo, Killer, Razor and Louis the Rake
Jingles Jets: Jingles Kuprowski, Dave ‘Crow’ Crawford, the Falcon, Doc Brewin, Hurricane, Soupy, Spinner, Cribz
The draft was a first for Andrew ‘Youngblood’ Morgan and Kevin ‘Jingles’ Kuprowski, but they did a great job, selecting their players, now it is only a matter of time, to see how their team does come tournament time, First over all pick, Lovie Edgar was excited, “Being selected first means a lot to me and my family, my wife and son were here in the crowd and little Mikey junior, who I named after my dear friend Michael Jaworiwsky, was clapping. Jackie my wife was beaming with pride, I am very happy to be a Young Blood and look forward to February 26” Edgar stated. Second pick went to Rocky Comartin and he selected Franchise Tomcat, Chris Girard, “It is an honour being selected to the Wings, I can’t wait to play with the boys in a few Saturdays”. Girard had said.
Dave ‘Crow’ Crawford, who was selected third but was considered a first over all pick, was not disappointed, “It is my first year in the organization, I am just happy I was picked by someone, so thanks to Mr. Kuprowski and the entire Jingles Jets organization, I will not disappoint you.” Crawford had concluded.
This writer, just wants to remind the Captains, that the tradition of buying a round of drinks at Purples still stands. So bring some money to Purples.
T-Shirts for tournament, of the team you are assigned to, is your responsibility and usually the cost is around$10 bucks. Pizza is $10 and is to be paid to Youngblood and it is devoured at Purples for around 3:30 – 4p.m.
The cost of the tournament is only $20….and is to be paid to your Captain on the day of the tournament.
Bring your own beer to the tournament, don’t mooch off of others!!!
One point of interest for the tourney: If LaBamba cannot play due to a work commitment, then he would be replaced by Matty ‘the Matador’ Youssef. If Junior cannot play, due to injury, but LaBamba can, then the Matador fills in for Junior, if both, Junior and LaBamba can play, then the Matador will fill in for Louis ‘the Rake’ Koneigsberger, who has now been placed on indefinite injured reserve, with an upper body injury, believed to be a right shoulder injury.
In other related Tomcat news, Andy ‘Doc’ Brewin, who is also known as Cyclone to his two neighbours, Stevo and Crow, is having a party on Saturday March 5 and all the Tomcats and their significant others are invited. 320 Cada Cres. in St. Clair Beach Ontario. Details to follow, I hope to sneak into the party and listen to the Tomcat scuttlebutt and report back to you the reader of Tomcat information.
I also heard, that Dave ‘Hurricane’ Hann promised to bring a case a beer to the party. Rumour at this time and both Doc Brewin and Hurricane Hann were not available for comment.
When I’m at the party, maybe in the basement, Heywood Jewblowmee?
by Harry Ballsonue
I’m just covering the mini tournament, my side kick, Heywood Jewblowmee will cover the draft and other Tomcat news.
Lovievill Flyers:Lovie, Husky Eyes, Shamus, LaBamba, Youngblood and Hollywood
Snowpants Snow Squalls; Snowpants, Spinner, Cribz, Bulldog, Yuri, Hurricane and Doc
Stevo’s Stingrays: Stevo, Chevy, Rocky, Razor, the Rake and Jingles.
Final Standings:
With it being draft night and with 2 cases of beer and a ton of Keilbassa and a little snow storm licking at the door of the Kapusta Kow Palace, there was no final Championship game last night and the winner was declared by the actual tournament it self. Winner winner chicken dinner to Lovieville Flyers, they scored 17 goals as compared to the Snow Squalls who scored a meager 2 and they are on a roll winning last week as well. Lovie Edgar knows how to pick a team.
When the Lovieville Flyers were out there, it was like they were on a power play, tick tack passing and accurate shooting lead to the 17 goals, “We were good out there tonight, like a well oiled machine”, indicated Captain and third Star Lovie Edgar, “I was happy how we all played as a team and my very dear friend Mykel Jaworiwsky was solid, a regular Terry Sawchuk out there” Lovie concluded.
If the tournament would not have been set up, Tuesday night hockey would have had 5 and four spares, it was made for an exciting night of hockey.
Thanks to Second star Dave Hann for playing goal and to first star Mykel ‘Hollywood’ Jaworiwsky for donning the pads and playing goal as well. Three star selections, will continue to be made in mini tournament nights.
High praise also goes out to Shamus Goldstein who had a stellar night notching 7 goals. “He is a quality guy and a very good player, Tomcats are lucky to have such a fine fellow”, indicated Steven Jaworiwsky.
Kudos also goes out to LaBamba who brought out a whack of cigars to be enjoyed by the Glen Sather types during the draft.
Tomcats should really invest in over the net cameras, so that Mykel Jaworiwsky and Husky Eyes Salaris can see when the ball crosses the line. Also, Pegs or some sort of nailing system should be installed, so the nets don’t move, so players cannot complain about a goal that is scored if the net is moved slightly.
Over all, another exciting time on a Tuesday night, in a snowstorm, under your touque, I can find your sweaty little forehead and put my Harry Ballsonue.
….by Harry Ballsonue
Lovieville Flyers; Chevy, Shamus, Hollywood, Soupy, Doc and Razor and of course Lovie.
Snowpants Snow Squalls; Cribz, Hurricane, Bulldog, Sparky, Youngblood, Falcon, the Turk and of course Snowpants
Stevo’s Sting Rays; Stevo, Crow, Spinner, Rocky, the Rake, Skippy, Killer and the new guy, Matty ‘Showcase’ Yousef.
Fantastic night at the Kapusta Kow Palace, with 6 and 7 spares, (A Windsor Tomcat record), the Tomcat organization quickly turned Tuesday night into a mini tournament. “That was a great deal of fun”, stated a smiling Ken Cribley, “What a great idea, what a great work out, what a great time, what a great organization”, Cribz further added.
Tomcat jackets were also handed out to some of the new Tomcats and Soupy donned his right off the get go, “my cousin Johnny, would have me do some unspeakable things to him, in order for me to wear his #17 jacket, so I am happy to say, I’m glad I got my own, #18 is pretty darn sweet” Soupy Salaris said, fighting back tears of joy.
In the final game, with the Stingrays down, 2-1, and with the Crawford, Yousef and Stevo Jaworiwsky ready to pounce, to tie the game, Quarter Back, Louis ‘the Rake’ Koneigsberger, threw a bomb, final score…3-1 for the Lovieville Flyers.
Standings:
W L T GF GA Pts
Lovieville Flyers 3 0 1 10 6 7
Stevo’s Stingrays 1 2 1 8 9 3
Snowpants Snow Squalls 0 2 2 6 8 2
Outcomes;
Flyers 3 Stingrays 2
Flyers 3 Snow Squalls 2
Stingrays 2 Snow Squalls 2
Flyers 3 Stingrays 2
Flyers 1 Snow Squalls 1
Stingrays 2 Snow Squalls 1
Final; Flyers 3 Stingrays 1
Back at Purples, I was able to speak to George Metulynksy, “Tonight was really something” Metulynsky had said, “I remember our first few years, we would be waiting for that door to open, so one or two more guys, would come in, as we were playing three on three. They never did, those were the days with plastic sticks…and then tonight, to see the number of guys, it really is something, I know we set a record tonight, I am proud to be a Tomcat”. Metuylnsky had concluded.
Next week the draft will take place. I hope Stevo brings kielbasa and cheese, I love when he does that on draft night. He lets the media eat as well, next week, as I am eating your kielbasa, I will put my Harry Ballsonue so you can eat my kielbasa too.
Ever wonder what the hell goalies think about when the play is in the other end? Here’s a small sample of how our brains work. I thought this up on Tuesday night (no wonder we lost).
On the first day of Xmas the Tomcats gave to me, a season of ball hockey,
On the second day of Xmas the Tomcats gave to me, 2 goalie pads, and a season of ball hockey,
On the 3rd day of Xmas the Tomcats gave to me, 3 shots in the pills, 2 goalie pads and a season of ball hockey,
On the 4th day of Xmas the Tomcats gave to me, 4 break aways, 3 shots in the pills, 2 goalie pads and a season of ball hockey,
On the 5th day of Xmas the Tomcats gave to me, 5 beers of stage, 4 break aways, 3 shots in the pills, 2 goalie pads and a season of ball hockey,
On the 6th day of Xmas the Tomcats gave to me, 6 more shots in the nads, 5 beers on stage, 4 break aways, 3 shots in the pills, 2 goalie pads and a season of ball hockey,
On the 7th day of Xmas the Tomcats gave to me 7 different bruises, 6 more shots in the nads, 5 beers on stage, 4 break aways, 3 shots in the pills, 2 goalie pads and a season of ball hockey,
On the 8th day of Xmas the Tomcats gave to me, 8 shots in a row, 7 different bruises, 6 more shots in the nads, 5 beers on stage, 4 break aways, 3 shots in the pills, 2 goalie pads and a season of ball hockey,
On the 9th day of Xmas the Tomcats gave to me 9 forwards and no defence, 8 shots in a row, 7 different bruises, 6 more shots in the nads, 5 beers on stage, 4 break aways, 3 shots in the pills, 2 goalie pads and a season of ball hockey,
On the 10th (and last) day of Xmas the Tomcats gave to me, some glasses so I can see, 9 forwards and no defence, 8 shots in a row, 7 different bruises, 6 more shots in the nads, 5 beers on stage, 4 break aways, 3 shots in the pills, 2 goalie pads and a season of ball hockey ……
Happy New Year to the Tomcats and their significant others,
This is Mike Litoris signing off!
Rob ‘The Danish’ Dienesh is being called up from the Bad Axe Bearcats, Tomcat farm team, to suit up for the tournament. Also being called up, on a ‘show case’ basis only is Matty Youssef. He will dress tonight against the Hell Cats…..
“Matty comes to us, from a 7
th round pick, back in 2006, I think it was”, indicated General Manager Gerald Finnerty, “He has really played hard in Bad Axe and it is time for him, to see what the big club is like” Finnerty added.
“We need to see if this kid can play and if Junior is not able to play in the tournament, then we know what we are getting with Matty” indicated Stevo Jaworiwsky. “So please don’t give me grief if we have 5 spares a side today, as last week, we only had two spares a side…and if there are more guys, the more beer goes and it could become a Purples night, and the young kid, just off the bus, can then be shown the Tomcat photos and Banners at the Purples Bar and Grill, so you see, it is all good” Jaworiwsky had said.
For those of you who can’t recall, the startup time is 6:30 p.m. and yes, both Walker Road and Howard Road are now fully open and operational.
In other exciting news, the new Tomcat Jackets have arrived and will be distributed tonight.
These are indeed exciting times, first Peter White, then The Danish….and now the Jackets….Whoa!
Windsor Tomcats 