If you can read this whole story without laughing then there’s no hope for you. I was crying by the end.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City park.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.”

Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie’s Maniac Monster Chili… 
Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 — (Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Austin’s Afterburner Chili… 
Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Ronny’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili… 
Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 — A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting sh!t-faced from all of the beer…

Chili # 4 Dave’s Black Magic… 
Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3! — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa’s Legal Lip Remover… 
Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me ! off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Pam’s Very Vegetarian Variety… 
Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** on myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a** with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla’s Screaming Sensation Chili… 
Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen’s Toenail Curling Chili… 
Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he’d! have reacted to really hot chili?

A little treat for those who read the whole thing!

March 7 Hockey and 7 Weeks Left of Hockey by Harry Ballsonue

March 8 2014…….Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 with 239 people loses contact and disappears, prompting the most expensive search effort in history

TEAMS

Cribzie Cannons, Cribzie, Doc, Tunzie, Matador, Hurricane, Rake, Falcon and Snowpants

Kamikaze Kamandos, Kamikaze, Soupy, The Terror, Sunny, Bulldog, Stevo, Sparky and The Turk

Hockey was very good.  Two way play, but in the first game, the Cannons had horse shoes up their asses, and the Kamados found them selves down 8-0 but then with 3 minutes and 47 seconds on the clock, the Kamando’s finally scored their first goal of the game.  The shots were even up to then, and the final score rang out 9-1 for the Cribzie Cannons.

In the second game, the Kamikaze Kamandos were not going to take the 9-1 loss lightly, they came out quick and hard and ended up with 6-1 lead.  The final score, Kamandos 8 Cannons 3.

Stevo was at the Helm today, (Rocky Sidle Lined with a wrist injury) and Stevo rang out his solid “Let’s Go”…ah familiarity.

Doc was suppose to bring a 12 and brought a 24, put her there Doc….solid by Doc.

SOME TOURNAMENT INSIGHT.

Hurricane of the Hurricanes had some insightful information about the tournament, “I found that winning our 3rd game 9-8 and getting into the finals, saw me with little to no energy for the final game.  I doubt very much I will be playing next year.  It would have been fun to finish my tournament career with a win as a Champion, but my team was the best team I ever had in a tournament, with that, it is a honour to have finished my last tournament with them”.  a weepy Hurricane had stated.

PHOTOS OF STANLEY’S CUP TOURNAMENT

Team Photo 2017 Windsor Tomcats

Tunzie is about to take his first sip from the Stanley’s Cup as Chevy looks on

The Terror is about to take his first sip from the Stanely’s Cup, “Hey its an actual Cup, oh my!” stated The Terror

The 2017 Stanely’s Cup Champions, The Sparky Victorious Secrets

I was not privy to any GAA’s from the Stanley’s Cup Tournament, but I certainly would love to find them out, what they were and for who, on the highlight reel I could see how the Terror got MVP, but how did the other goalies fair? If anyone knows of a web site, or a published magazine where these stats are kept, please send them along to me. There is nothing like knowing a GAA.

DOC AND JOAD THE TOAD

Doc and Joad the Toad threw their annual house warming party and the theme was ‘wear what you will be wearing in the year 2525”.

Serta and Soupy

Stevo and Soupy, “Stevo was a female hooker and Soupy was a Greek Cosmonaut”.

TOMCAT GOLF TOURNAMENT

June 16 is still the date for the Tomcat Golf Tournament, make sure you get that day off. Snowpants will be providing all Tomcats with further information, when it becomes available. He always, always, does a fantastic job, you do not want to miss this fun tournament.

OTHER GOLF TOURNAMENT

The Turk is organizing his annual Kapusta Open, in honour of Bill Booksa, the date is June 3 and the cost is only $110.  It is a four man scramble.  Please see Turk to get your money in.

MARCH BREAK

March Break is next week, if you are unable to make the night of Hockey, please let Rocky know.  Also, if your kid, who is over 16 years old and wants to play, this is the night to come out, but let Rocky know, if you are going to bring your son out to play….

And Hey…. while you are thinking to yourself, was there not some sort of conspiracy theory on Malaysia Flight 370 and that it actually landed at an American Air Force Base in the Indian Ocean, called Diego Garcia…Hummmmm, it actually did, while you are pondering that little nugget of information, do you think I could put my Harry Ballsonue.

LIFE LESSON FOR 2017

Sometimes we try too hard

To get to the greener pasture.

In the process, we end up in trouble.

And when you find yourself in trouble

And you’re stuck in a situation

That you can’t get out of,

  There is one thing

You should always  remember –

Not everyone who shows up

Is there to help

This week, instead of a motivator, I thought I’d send in a short educational lesson to help improve the minds of both Tomcats and fans!

Physics!

 

 

Hope this is not a little too deep or wobbly for you…. 

 

  Isn’t Physics great?..  

Killer Night…Do Things Now ! by Harry Ballsonue

The symbolic Doomsday Clock now reads two and a half minutes to midnight, reflecting growing climate change and nuclear warfare concerns. This “ unprecedented” thirty second adjustment marks the closest the clock has ever been to midnight since 1953.

So, what am I telling you, do things now, first thing you should do is go to the February 18 Fund Raiser being held in South Wood Lakes, Tomcat brethren ‘Ghost Crossing’ is playing and from what I hear, they are sounding pretty good. Some new tunes and a new guitar player has been added, Joad the Toad is better then Carrie Underwood, Lady Gaga and Madonna put together and I’m not kidding here…..tickets are only $25 and it is for a great cause.

Ghost Crossing, with band fan, Crow Snr. Please consider coming out and supporting your fellow Tomcats in this fun fundraiser organized by Hollywood.

Ghost Crossing preforming last year at the Ukrainian fund raiser.
Tickets are only $25 and you will be helping a great cause.
Also preforming, the Barvinok Dance Ensemble and a band out of Toronto, Zirka with an out of this world violin player, Karen, if you come for anything you want to come and watch her!
February 18 SEE YOU THERE !

The second thing you should do is start prepping for the upcoming tournament, eating right, drinking less and getting mentally ready for the greatest tournament on earth, the Stanley’s Cup. I still have not seen a prediction by Yur Handsarronmycok perhaps he too sees complete parity this year and it is even too close for him to call.

Teams February 7 were:

Terror Tigers, Sparky (Captain) Sunny, Stevo, Cribzie, Doc, Chevy, Tunzie, Kamikaze and the Terror
Chico Cheetahs, Turk (Captain) Snowpants, La Bamba, Soupy, Killer, Bulldog, Rocky, El Choppo and Chico
Hockey was Killer….really, Killer was on fire and scored 5 goals last night for the Chico Cheetahs, “I felt good out there, the ball seemed to go in whenever I touched it, it happens not often, but it does once in a while” Killer stated with a smile from ear to ear and added, “I just with The Rake was here to see it”.

In the first game, the Chico Cheetah’s took an early 4-0 lead only to lose the game 9-7. In the second game, the Chico Cheetah’s were not talking any chances and were up 6-1 before no time at all, they ended up beating the Terror Tigers in game 2, 9-4.

Great to see Chico in the line up for the first time, this year, some great net minding on Chico’s part.

Also, Doc returns from the IR, and did not look out of place at all, he spent his off time working himself into top notch form, shaved his beard for aero dynamics.

You could see that the Chico Cheetah’s in Monday’s practice had the Turk showing them how to block shots as they blocked hundreds of shots all night and speaking of blocked shots, the Turk blocked his usual 190 shots last night, which brings him to some where near 12,000 blocked shots for the year.

Reminder that there will be no hockey on Tuesday February 28. As it sits right now, there are only 2 weeks left before the Stanley’s Cup tournament.

One more thing about Ghost Crossing, Jingles went down with an injury so they brought in a new guitarist and vocalist ’The Duke’….Tomcats will recognize the Duke as he is associated with the Kapusta Kow Palace. One point that I had been asked to make about the upcoming February 18 show is that you really don’t want to miss it. It will be Ghost Crossing’s first time that they will actually be playing an original Ghost Crossing song, yes an original Ghost Crossing song, “We are”, stated a triumphant Hollywood, “And here is a kicker, my Broocher will be singing 3 Ukrainian songs, that in itself is worth the price of the $25 ticket, but Joad the Toad has been rocking out some new songs that you do not want to miss”. Concluded Hollywood

For our Golfers…Snowpants setting Tomcat Golf Tournament date tentatively for Friday, June 16…Tomcat Management knows it is quite a ways off…but “good planning makes good times”. (I just made that up)

There is no time like now, if you really really think about it, if doomsday is indeed coming, this is the time for the fund raiser on the 18th, the Stanley’s Cup tournament on the 25th and for me to put my Harry Ballsonue.

Hey folks, if you don’t have plans for Feb 18th, or if you do have plans, break them! Ghost Crossing is playing a fundraiser for the Ukrainian Hall that they played for last year again! Thank you to those who supported last time! Please consider coming out again, or if you missed it, come on out this time! I guarantee you it will be an awesome time ! You can use it as an excuse to take your lovely out for Valentine’s Day! Tickets are only 25 bucks. With that you get a little bit of food, with the option of buying more food! A tomcat favorite, is that there will be a bar serving booze and alcohol, And of course beer!

Thanks for reading, and hope to see you at the gig! Please come out and show support to Rocky on drums, Doc’s wife Jodi on vocals! SteveO on guitar and vocals, and Hollywood doing his best impersonation of a bass player! Think of how many free tshirts the Jablonsky brothers have given you over the years. Please support this function, thanks! They (the Jaworiwsky brothers) might even buy you a beer. Tickets are available from Rocky and Steve-O.  Cheers to Tomcat Brethren! Tomcats forever!