February Already, Holy Cow  By Harry Ballsonue

 

“We are just a rain drop on a windshield”

Jerry Seinfeld

 

Tomcats had a record amount of guys out on a Tuesday night, 26 players last night.  The Green Hornets took the tourney in the end, some good team selecting by team Captain Tonto.

 

Thanks to all three captains, for stepping up and picking some magnificent teams, Tunzie, Tonto and Beep. Thanks boys.

If you get a chance, check out the last few pages of the most recent Windsor Drive Magazine.  You will be pleasantly surprised.  You can check it out on line as well.

Current Issue

Thanks to Matador for putting sticks away.  It is always appreciated when guys pitch and help clean up.  Great Tomcat Spirit.

Great to see Slim Jim out there tonight and Killer was a regular Wayne Gretzky out there.

Ticket Sales:

Don’t underestimate the importance of selling your Tomcat 30th year anniversary tickets. Tomcat committee will need to purchase, food and booze ahead of time and will need cash to do so.

Rocky will be putting up a slide show for the 30 year anniversary Gala, that in itself is worth the price of admission, here are three photos that you will see in that presentation.

 

 

 

Tournament Teams, in case you missed it and want to see what Yuri Handsonmycoq wrote.

 

Rocky Ramblers

Rocky, Cribzie, Tweetie Bird, Squid, Matador, Stevo, Doc and Skuz

Tonto Thunderbirds

Tonto, Falcon, Bulldog, Beep, Chico, La Bamba, May Day, Jingles

Sunny Sebrings

Sunny, Big Easy, Soupy, Hollywood, Tunzie, Bullwinkle, Kamikaze, El Choppo

Snowpants Studebakers

Snowpants, Sparky, Terror, Slim Jim, Sheep Dog, Chevy, Eagle, Lovie

 

Sparky looking for a few good men, Tuesday February 19, not next week, but the week after.

Sparky is looking for a few good men to help with the Tomcat room and clearing out the beer empties.  There is not a lot but he would like it cleaned out so that come tournament time, the room is nice and tidy.  If you can make it, please be at the Kapusta Kow 6:10 on that day.

Stevo in charge one more week.

IF YOU KNOW you can’t play this coming Tuesday, please let Stevo know.  We are short a few net minders, as Skuz and Terror are out.  Minor league system, might be called, so watch the blog for WTTTTK.  (Stands for What The Tomcats Think They Know)

 

While you are reading the blog and thinking, I don’t see the team names or team members, Hmmmmmm,  do you think I could put my Harry Ballsonue

 

This weekend, Tilbury Ontario hosted the summer classic 12 team 3 on 3 ball hockey challenge, attracting teams from Toronto to Windsor and everywhere in between.

Team Duffle Bag was asked to play in a one-day winner take all open aged tournament.

Team Duffle Bag, who has not played together in a few years received a personal invite from tournament organizers and decided to give it a go.  Legendary captain George (brother of Beep) Oickle stated “we only have a few more good years in us so why the hell not!”

Team Duffle Bag has been playing together for a few decades now and several members have become full-fledged members of the legendary Tomcat organization known as Beep, Tonto, Eagle, Sunny, Lovie, Labamba and Soupy along with a few non-Tomcat members George Oickle, Federico Belanger and Goaltender Robbie Mussin.

The bad news came to team organizer Beep early on when he heard from perennial all-star Sunny that he and super sniper Soupy could not attend due to family commitments and goaltender and former Conn Smythe trophy winner Robbie Mussin had hung up the goalie gear for good to pursue his true passion in nude modeling.

Beep had no choice but to find some cash, make some trades and find the necessary cap room to bring in some new talent from the gifted all-star lineup offered by the Windsor Tomcats.  “I have a several ACES in my back pocket” stated Beep, “Relax George, I got this!” and then the other shoe dropped, world MVP Lovie and Defensive legend Labamba had no choice but not attend the tournament due to contractual commitments at the playboy mansion in Los Angeles, California. “I understand how binding a contract can be” Stated the teams spoke person.  “We have no choice but to honor what has already been signed”

In the end scout Mark Hunter recommended we pay heavy for two standouts from the 2017/2018 season Chico and Tweetie.  “I have been watching these guys and they have game” stated Hunter “You can bring any Tomcat in and you will improve your team 10 fold”  In the end, after lengthy negotiations The Duffle Bag ended up trading 3 first round draft picks and 2 minor leaguers to fill the lineup for the tournament.

The two lines broke down as follows, Tonto – Beep – George and the next line consisted of Frederico – Eagle and Tweetie, backstopped by Chico.

Game one seen the old crew of the Duffle Bag coming out hard popping 12 goals and giving up only a few shots on net in turn.   Eagle was overheard in the press box afterwards stating “We have 2 very different lines and it will be hard to stop both styles”

Game two and three came and went as the old crew and the new guard stared to find their groove.  In the end it was the Eagle and George leading the way, showing as true stand outs.   The crowed was overheard stating “How are these old guys so good?”

After round robin play the Duffle Bag finished first overall scored 26 goals for and giving up single digits.  The Eagle and George was seen entertaining the female reporters section, signing autographs and taking numbers!  “To be a legend” Stated the Dirty Danglers in adoration of the 2 senior members gathering all the glory.  “One day, one day” stated the team who drove in from Toronto!

The playoff draw came in and we faced a known first round opponent made up of several former Junior B players and a full line-up of 24 to 28-year-old athletes.  “We faced these guys in the finals 3 years ago” stated Tonto, “we have to play sound defensively or we will get eaten alive”

Enter the Tweetie, Frederico and Chico show!  Simply put Mark Hunter was right, “They could not be stopped!  The young guns scored 4 of the 5 goals to put TDB in the finals and simply put Chico would not get scored on!   Chico stole the show to kept us in the game early on.  “We would not be going to the finals if it wasn’t for these guys” stated the old guard of the Duffle Bag.  “WOW, that is another gear” Stated Beeps Dad and biggest fan!

In the end The Duffle Bag takes the Championship in fitting fashion with George Oickle scoring the tournament winning goal and taking home the Tournaments MVP as nominated by the players!   “I am so proud of my big brother!  Stated Beep. He never cheats a play and is most deserving of the nomination from his peers. Ellery Sr jumped in the photo to capture the moment.

 

In the end the day was all about good times with good friends!  Win or Lose!

Funny quote of the day has Eagle ending telling the tournament organizer “If we have to come back to defend the title I am coaching and not playing”   “I am too old for this shit”  “That’s my son right there” LOL

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Tuesday night hockey, First game was 12 to 3 for White, then 15 to 6 for black in the second game…..interesting.  Everyone was gearing up for the tournament.

The Stanley’s Cup Tournament starts at 8:30 this Saturday morning .  Please be on time or be early to help set up, fill coolers, put out chairs etc.  Don’t ask what the Tomcats can do for you, ask what you can do for the Tomcats.

Big thank you goes out to the Rake who stopped by with food for the boys even though he was not playing.

Tomcats bought cheese, crackers and Kielbassa for the boys. It was a big hit.

Colours for the Tournament:

Chevy: Green or Yellow

El Choppo: White

La Bamba: Red

Cribzie: Black

 

First game is El Choppo vs. Cribzie

Tomcats providing beer and spirits through out the day but please drink responsibly.

Pizza will be delivered at 2 p.m. Please pay $10 to the Turk as he is collecting.

$20 to your captain for the tournament, the new Tomcat long sleeve shirt is super sweet and YOU will love it.

The Windsor Tomcats can’t emphasize enough that the tournament is all about having a beer after, no scouts all be there, you will not be traded on Monday (NHL Trade Deadline day) you will still be the same person you are today.

There is no hockey on February 27.  We resume play again, Tuesday March 6, 2018 and that is a 6:30 start.  IF you know you can’t make it that night, please let Stevo know now.

 

Tomcats Forever,

 

 

The School of Psychology, University of Pennsylvania conducted a survey called: “What really do you see?”

People were asked to focus their attention on this simple picture and then asked if they had noticed anything odd.

Now you also have a chance to test your skills and see if you can pass.

Study the picture for 5 seconds. What do you notice?  Think about it…. what is odd?

Here are the Results of the Survey:

1. 100% of males failed this test. They were distracted by the woman’s large bosom.
2. 100% of the females also failed this test. They were distracted by the wide choice of doughnuts.

The real answer:   There’s a mouse on one of the doughnuts …. don’t tell me you saw it.  I don’t believe you.

BAGS REINS IN BELLEVIEW, SEA LION UNLEASHES BUT FALLS SHORTBY Dick Fitzwell
August 8, 2017

The first ever annual Gordon’s Gin Golf League held its tournament at Belle View Golf and Country Club on August 7, 2017.

There were 64 golfers who made the cut, including Rochester pro, Sheepdog. Other notable professionals included Stevo, Cribzy, Mayday, Hatchy, Chevy, Bags and the popular Sea Lion.

What was originally thought to be a two man race between Sea Lion and Bags, it didn’t turn out that way with Bags winning by a comfortable 6 strokes. “This is the greatest day of my life “, said Bags after being presented with the cheque for $67,528.44.” The cash is always a bonus but the Tim Horton gift card made my day,” said Bags at the media scrum.

The Sea Lion had a rough start chili dipping a few drives and approaches. “Pretty rough”, said playing partner May Day.

The Sea Lion didn’t turn it around until the 10th hole after firing his caddy for putting mustard on his sandwich. In fact, cell phone video obtained from a fan showed the Sea Lion unleashing fire and fury like the world has never seen on his sandwich wrapper. After hitting his tee shot to behind a tree, the Sea Lion, pulled out his 3 wood, told the gallery, I’m just going to walk up and hit it”. He was still in stride the Sea Lion took a mighty swing, hit the ball and tree at the same time and then asked playing partner Mayday, where his shot went. “Thank goodness the ball was in good shape”, said May Day. “I would have hated to tell him he went in the water. And that sandwich wrapper really took a beating. I am glad he fired his caddy because that could have been him getting the Sea Lion’s wrath.”. The Sea Lion got a par on the 10th and finished with birdies on 17 and 18.

Sea Lion and Chevy won closest to the pin prizes while Stevo, Bags and the Sea Lion took two skins each. Chevy took home a single skin prize.

Hatchy came out of the gate solid but fell short despite his precision putting. “The man is deadly from six feet in. He doesn’t miss”, stated an obviously impressed May Day. “That’s my boy Hatchy”, said Stevo.

“I really had a good time out here. I’ve known Stevo for years and I know the Sea Lion but golfing with these guys at this impressive tournament was a blast”. Hatchy who plays the Beach Grove tour had a recommendation for Belle View. “I really like those carts where you can clean your clubs after a shot. This way, I don’t have to use the dogs’ water bowels when I get home”.

Cribzy was the best dressed golfer out there earning praise from bartender Sara, who was obviously impressed with his sun tan and his Calloway clothing. “They pay me to wear it”, said Cribzy. “I’ll be wearing the 2018 stuff in Battle Creek next month”. Sheep Dog, who despite not being paired with Stevo had a great time. “I am in next year. Write me in. I’ll play even if I can’t play with Stevo”, said an excited Sheep Dog.

Fan favorite Chevy also had a great time. “It was either this or cleaning up water balloon shells with my shop vac. The kids birthday party got a bit out of control”, said Chevy.

League play resumes next Monday. Just wondering, does anybody know if Sparky is back from Newfoundland?

Health and Safety Director Named by Harry Ballsonue

With Health and Safety on the forefront everywhere, President of the Tomcats, Rocky decided to form a Health and Safety Committee and appointed Stevo as Director of the newly formed

health and safety committee. Stevo right away brought in two top dogs from the Health and Safety world, La Bamba and Razor.

“It gives me a chance to still be involved with the Tomcats even though I am no longer a playing member”. stated a grinning Razor and added, “I’m very excited about this opportunity”.
The basis of the committee is to keep everyone safe on the floor and off, “We can’t continue having reckless play”, stated Stevo, “That won’t hold any more water, we want clean play where everyone is having fun. It is about fun and exercise and of course a beer after”. Stated Stevo.

One of the first things on the agenda is to look into getting a De-Fib for the Kapusta Kow Palace, they are expensive, but the Tomcats hope to have one in place in the not too distant future.
“A lot of us are not getting any younger, a De-Fib would be a valuable tool in case one of us suffers a heart attack on the floor, don’t kid yourself, it could happen”. Stated La Bamba

“Health and Safety Starts Here”. Stated Stevo, “We will not tolerate errand sticks, reckless play, disregard for the net minders and a lack of respect for a fellow Tomcat, if you are not happy with that, maybe you can play on Monday nights”. Stated Stevo.

When it comes to the de-fib, “We really don’t know how we will raise money for the De-Fib, I don’t want to take it out of the Tomcat Kitty, we are looking at some programs available that we can take advantage of”. Stated a hopeful Stevo and added, “I would hate to see something happen to one of us and that we did not take the time or effort to put something in place to save a life”.
Stevo is championing the cause, but he is hoping everyone else will come on board and help out.
“Like I said, there are programs out there that can help us get a De-Fib, the Ontario Defibrillator access initiative, there are also grants available through the heart and stroke foundation, my team of La Bamba and Razor will leave no stone unturned to secure one, it would be awful if we did nothing and one of us had a heart attack on the Kapusta Kow Floor”. Stevo stated again.
IN OTHER NEWS

Very nice of the Terror and his lovely wife to have Tomcats over for a summer celebration. “I think the guys are all great and I just wanted to have everyone over to show my appreciation for being accepted as the Tomcat right off the get go”. Terror had said. Some great conversation with Kamikaze and his beautiful wife lead to some laughter and good times.
The Terror signed a 5 years deal in the off season, the Tomcats are still very interested in pursing another goalie, rumour is that Bagz is in talks with the Tomcats. (Check out previous blog and see if Bagz was at the Dirty Growler Tomcat Gordon’s Gin Golf League, on August 7) You know what they say ‘Where’s theres smoke, there’s fire. Terror has been a great addition to the Tomcats and so would Bagz.
This is the second serious article I have written for this blog, so now, do you think I can put my Harry Ballsonue.

Tomcat Management Want Your Eyes To Be Safe By Harry Ballsonue

During the Great American Total Solar Eclipse on Aug. 21, millions of people will gaze at the sun to see the moon slowly pass in front of it, blocking out the light. But those who aren’t careful risk doing some nasty damage to their eyes.

You’ve probably been told that it isn’t safe to stare at the sun and that watching a solar eclipse without proper eye protection can make you go blind. That’s because the light from the sun is so intense that it can literally burn your eyeballs — even during a solar eclipse, when part of the sun’s disk is still visible.

Even the tiniest sliver of a crescent sun peeking out from behind the moon emits enough light to scorch your eyes, Ralph Chou, professor emeritus at the School of Optometry & Vision Science at the University of Waterloo in Canada, told Space.com. “I have seen instances where the patient has eventually shown up with crescents burned into the back of the eye, and you can almost tell exactly when they looked.”

SPARKY SCREECHED UP AND CHEVY MAKES DEBUT

August 2, 2017

By Dick Fitzwell

 

The boys were back at it in the Gordon’s gin league play at Belle View. Expected in the A four some were May Day, Stevo, Sparky and Chevy.

Sparky sent a confirmation e mail on July 30, 2017 that he will be there. While waiting on the tee, both Stevo and Chevy look at their phones. It’s Sparky, with a message saying, “Hey, I am still in Newfoundland. I thought you guys meant next Monday”.

The guys looked at each other dumfounded and concluded Sparky was hitting the Screech hard and simply got confused.

Chevy made his Gordon’s debut with a solid outing. “Wow, can he ever smack the ball. It goes about 350 off the tee. The only problem is you never know which direction those 350 yards travel”, observed May Day.

Stevo, who recently obtained his CPGA license, was on hand to provide Chevy with a lesson. He says, “Chevy. Stand up on the ball and take a nice easy swing”.

Chevy, following instructions, takes a nice easy swing and belts it about 295 and has a huge grin on his face after the shot. “I want to hug Stevo right now. My home course, Pointe West sent me a bill upping my membership because my golf cart kept running out of gas chasing my tee shots”, said an elated Chevy.

Scores for the week were Chevy with a 79, Stevo and Mayday tied at 80. Sparky was disqualified and his score card will read 125. This pretty much takes him out of contention for the Growler Cup.

Fan Favorite Sea Lion was off this week. Mrs. Sea Lion was celebrating her birthday. The Sea Lion chartered a private jet and took Mrs. Sea Lion to her favorite Italian restaurant, in Italy. Happy Birthday Mrs. Sea Lion!

Next Monday is the league’s first annual golf outing at Belle View. Over 300 golfers are expected to play.

July 25, 2017BUNDURA SUFFERS CAREER ENDING INJURY – COMMISSIONER SCRAMBLES FOR REPLACEMENT

BY DICK FITZWELL

It was reported last week the Bundura was out of league action due to a barbecue mishap. The injury is more serious than expected and the Bundura will be out of action indefinitely. After learning of the news, Gordon’s League executives scrambled into action trying to find a capable replacement player for this week’s action.

CRAW TO THE RESCUE

The Gordon’s Gin Golf League was able to purchase the professional contract of Craw from the Glasgow Senior Tour. Craw, who is the father of Tomcat all-star Crow, was a welcome addition to already laden star studded line up. Craw, who before playing golf professionally was a professional soccer player and won many championships and has many stories about his soccer playing days.

“He taught Edsel Ford how to play golf”, said Stevo, providing some interesting facts about Craw. “This guy is the real deal”! “I can’t get over how Crow looks exactly like his dad”, said Sea Lion.

“Not only can he golf, I was amazed that he provides free golf lessons on the course”, said Mayday who was the benefactor of the Pam golf lesson. “He completely saved my game”, said Mayday enthusiastically.

The Sea Lion returned to action this week after signing a new contract which limits fun interaction with fans to once every six week. “I am happy with the new deal. Now I can focus on my game and make sure Stevo doesn’t take the lead from me”, said Sea Lion.

Stevo, who was absolutely on fire during Monday’s round, is shooting perhaps the best golf of his entire career. “My caddy makes all the decisions. All I have to do is hit the ball”, said Stevo. Asked about the catching the Sea Lion in the standings, Stevo said, “It would be like Mark Messier catching Wayne Gretzky but you never know if I keep shooing like that”.

Sores for the week were Stevo with a record setting 61(not 62 Johnny Miller), Craw, 70, Seal Lion 71 and May Day, 80. There were a record number of birdies which took a big dent out of the honey bourbon mug.

After some confusion the boys are back out next week with Chevy making his Gordon’s debut. Welcome Chevy!

The Gordon’s Gin league Invitational Tournament will be held on August 7th at a location still TBD. Mayday, Stevo, Hatchie, Cribzy, Sheep Dog has all confirmed. Snowpants, Sea Lion and Chrispy are tentative entries but a final decision is expected soon. Thanks to the guys who responded to my e mail. And for the guys, who don’t reply to e mails, please reply. Rumors of potential locations include Sutton Creek, Deer run and Ambassador. Roseland Golf Course in Windsor put in a bid to host the tournament but was rejected immediately. The City of Windsor is still working on how to solve the mystery of the getting a golf round to be played under 6 hours with no beer cart service.

 

 

 

 

July 18, 2017

By Dick Fitzwell: AP

The Belle View Golf and Country Club was buzzing yesterday as word got out via a leaked e mail that Chrispy would be joining the Gordon’s Gin Golf League. “No comment”, said Commissioner Mayday before the boys were scheduled to tee off on July 17, 2017.

We know the commissioner hates leaks from his office and the staffer responsible has been fired. “I don’t tolerate that nonsense. We don’t have to make the golf league great again, the golf league is already great and winning”, said Mayday from his office in downtown Windsor.

In other news, the league has settled its labour dispute with the Sea Lion and he will be back in action next week. Violent protests erupted outside the course last week and all parties are happy a resolution could be reached. Terms of the settlement are not being released.

 

SPARKY MIFFED

A disgruntled Sparky accused Chrispy of intentionally missing birdie putts. “Look, if you are going to play in this league, you’d better be prepared to drink honey bourbon”, fumed Sparky referring to a gimmee birdie try Chrispy left on the lip of the cup. The league has a rule that if a player gets a birdie on a hole, then all players have a shot of honey bourbon. “Rules are rules”, said Sparky.

RESULTS

Scores yesterday were Chrispy with a course record 65, Stevo 73, Sparky and Mayday tied at 82. Play will resume next week with Danny and the Bundura scheduled back. The Bundura was on a rehab assignment at Woodland Hills after injuring his knee in a mishap at a barbecue.

“I love playing with these guys”, said Chrispy while being mobbed by fans for his autograph. “The fans are what make Belle View a great place”.

Chrispy, who is off to Dubai next week to golf with Arabian princes, was happy he was invited to golf in the Gordon’s Gin League. Asked about his intentionally missing birdies, Chrispy replied, “Hey, I had to drive home”.

 

AND THE WINNER OF THE MEET THE GORDON’S GUYS CONTEST IS:

The Gordon’s Gin Golf League with sponsor Gordon’s Gin held a contest for fans recently. The Grand Prize was a group picture with the pros and as an added bonus a framed autographed picture with star of the tour, Stevo.

Contestants had to produce a video for judges telling a story of why they should be selected as the number 1 fan. Whitney was chosen out of nearly 67,000 contestants in Windsor/Essex County.

Whitney, who is moving to Los Angeles after the golf season to pursue an acting career told the blog, “This is the greatest day of my life. I have been a fan of this league since I was in grade school and to be selected as the number one fan is a dream come true”, said an emotional Whitney, holding back the tears.

In addition to winning a photo session with the pros, Whitney wins an all- expense paid trip to Washington, DC, where she will meet President Donald Trump, tour the White House and be interviewed by Fox News.

NEXT WEEK

The league will honor legend Finner, who retired from golf at 33 years of age to pursue a career in mountain climbing. Finner turns 50 next week and we will honor this former hockey and golf great with some side splitting stories. You will not want to miss next week’s blog. Bagger Vance has nothing on Finner.