Oh, what a tangled web of consonants we weave! Last night at the hallowed halls of the Kapusta Kow Palace (our gym-turned-beer-oasis, where sweat-soaked jerseys meet frosty brews), the Windsor Tomcats teetered on the brink of floor hockey history. We nearly unleashed the ultimate gimmick: a full team of players whose nicknames all slither out with the sinister hiss of the letter “S.” Soupy, Shaft, Shack, Swifty, Stilts, Snowpants, Smiley – it’s like the Sesame Street writers infiltrated our roster and decided Big Bird needed a break from vowels.
Tomcat President Rocky, ever the visionary (or just really good at spotting patterns while listening to post-game Snowpants’ stories), pointed out this serendipitous surge of S-starters among our fresh meat. “Pure chance,” he claims, but we’re suspicious – maybe he’s been secretly recruiting from a snake charmer convention. The idea hit us like a rogue hockey ball to the shins: Why not pit the S-Squad against the Non-S Nobodies? Even teams, epic rivalry, and enough alliteration to make a poet weep. But after some heated huddle (and a few eye-rolls from the vets who’ve been dodging slapshots for 25+ years), we nixed it. Balance, schmalance – turns out the S’s might’ve steamrolled us mere mortals. Fear not, fans (all three of you): A full-blown S showdown is brewing faster than our Tuesday night beers.
Instead, we settled for themed teams that screamed “surf’s up” – because why not add ocean vibes to our landlocked lunacy?
Soupy’s Sails (The Windy Wonders): Bender guarding the crease like a bouncer at a bad bar, Soupy (our VP), Swifty (faster than a midlife crisis), Killer (don’t ask about the body count), Waldo (still hiding in plain sight), Chevy (reliable as an old truck), Chico (the spice in our salsa), Shaft (smooth operator), and Shack (our human fortress).
Snowpants Surfers (The Chilly Wave-Riders): Flower in net, blooming under pressure; Snowpants (because who needs shorts in Canada?); The Professor (dropping knowledge bombs between dekes); Tonto (lone ranger no more); Rocky (prez and open-net misser extraordinaire); Matador (dodging bulls… er, balls); Animal (wilder than a Muppet on Red Bull); Smiley (grinning through the grit); and Stilts (towering over us short kings).
Game One? A goaltending masterclass that had us all checking our watches. The nets were locked tighter than a mid-50s guy’s grip on his glory days. “I’m used to popping off quickly, so taking so long to get a goal was strange,” quipped Tomcat VP Soupy – a statement we fact-checked with his better half, Serta (yes, she confirmed: he’s all about that quick release). Finally, the Surfers shattered the stalemate, riding a wave of sneaky shots to a 5-3 victory. The Sails? They just… sailed away empty-handed.
Game Two cranked the chaos to eleven – fast-paced frenzy with goalies still channeling their inner superheroes. Bodies flew, sticks clashed, and the scoreboard seesawed like a tipsy Tomcat on stilts. It all ended in a glorious tie, because why settle scores when you can share the agony?
As always, we capped the carnage with our sacred ritual: Beers on the Palace stage, celebrating friendships forged in face-offs and fortified by foam. From spry 20-somethings to seasoned 50-somethings, the Tomcats prove that age is just a number – but Tomcat nicknames? Those are forever. Stay tuned for the S-pocalypse; it’s coming, and it’ll be spectacularly silly.
And speaking of Tomcats with “S” in their name…
Stevo Asks For A Fifth Team
Stevo has asked that a fifth team be added to this year’s Tomcat tournament. He wants to put in his own team and is asking to get approval from the tournament organizers.
The line up would be:
Goaltender: Bucko
Defence: Hollywood, Finner, Cribzie and May Day
Forwards: Crispy, Hatchie, the Big Easy and Stevo
Spares: Crow, Hurricane, Beep and Tunzie (in case of injury during practices)
Management : G. M. Sealion
Coaching Staff:
Defencive Coach The Legend
Offensive Coach Rexy
Goaltending Coach Razor
Head Coach: The Bundura
“It is an unprecedented request, but I will be putting it forward to Soupy and the tournament committee,” stated President Rocky. Stay tuned.
Windsor Tomcats 