You’ve heard of the Malace at the Palace and the Battle of Alberta. Well now we have the Scuffle at Shotz!
What started out as a great night of laughs and drinks among tomcats and their wives, ended on a sour note with, as expected, the Tomcats coming out victorious. Just to note, no Tomcat was injured, nor did any Tomcat start the fight, we were simply there in a peacekeeping and ass kicking role.
I will not go into the details of the fight, but it was started by a Human Lizard and guy in a Parrot shirt. Tables were flying, glasses broken, and punches thrown.
Tomcat legend Sunny was right in the mix of everything, trying to keep the peace. In the chaos of it all, Sunny’s shirt was ripped from his body, exposing his Greek God physique, which was glistening in the neon lights. The floor was a puddle, not from the spilled drinks, but from the women onlooking Sunny and the other Tomcats.
Snowpants, who right before everything went down, was making great conversation with a Tecumseh Soccer Mom at the bar, came in guns a blazing. He climbed a table and from the top rope jumped on the pile of people with a flying elbow that had the crowd roaring! He was quoted afterwards saying, “I was one shot of tequila away from taking her home, and these motherf$&kers start a brawl! I was taking out anyone I could!” When talking to Snowpants after about how crazy the night was, he proclaimed, “you think this was bad? Try playing hockey against Chevy and Jingles on a Tuesday night!”
The highlight of the night was Soupy, who always has his cousins back, rescued sunny from harm in the Malay. According to Soupy, he took over a dozen punches to the face, an eye gouge and was shived multiple times in the back, however, after the fight, he did not have a scratch on his body. He protected Green Giant from a guy coming at him with broken glass, made sure Kamikaze was miles away from danger, and credited himself with stopping the brawl. He really was the saviour of the night. Not only can he stick handle thru an entire team on Tuesday nights while the rest of his team is wide open, he single handedly took control of the situation last night. He really is future President material.
Kamikaze was a huge help in all of this, as he saved Soupy’s jacket and made sure he had a distant view of all the excitement. He sent in a prepared statement, “As a CEO, my responsibility is to stay as far away from danger as possible. My security team (Green Giant) made sure I was safe so that we can continue to focus on meeting our sales figures. At (business name), we are always committed to ensuring that our team is following our diversity, inclusion, and equity policies as set out in our mission statement.” He also made us all sign NDAs to avoid any future litigation.
There was no sign of Bender while everything was going down, but word is, he was seen walking into the bathroom with an absolute rocket Tomcat Groupie. It must have been his 1970s maroon blazer…
In all seriousness, it was a great night. Everyone got home safe, and has a story to tell. I will never understand the mentality to get into a bar fight, I really hope that the individuals involved last night look in the mirror and learn from this experience; However, given my cynical view of the world, I highly doubt it.
Can’t we all just get along?
Guest Column by Haida d’Salami
Windsor Tomcats 